A Kind Dom

Suki

2012-01-30T07:42:00.000Z

I seem to have acquired a new sub.

:)

She is strong, demanding, bossy, controlling, self assured, devouring, selfish, insatiable, manipulative, sluttish, talented, greedy, self centred, bad, grasping, needy, dominating ...

... but eager to learn.

I like a challenge!

Wish me luck.

brats

2012-01-25T20:45:00.000Z

On D/s contact sites I have often seen subs describe themselves as 'brats' or their behaviour as 'brattish'. I think it is more of an American term but certainly seems to have found its way to the UK in this context.

They tend to do this with some pride and conviction as if it is a positive characteristic. Perhaps making it clear that they are not a push-over. Or rather that their submission is not to be presumed or guaranteed.

To me though it seems in contrast with their submission. Not something to brag about. It is an admission that they cannot submit completely - or at least like to top from the bottom. They seem to be looking for conflict with their Master. A battle for control where he has to prove himself.

I am afraid I could not be doing with it. For me a D/s relationship is based on respect for my control and a real desire to submit. "Brattishness" does not fit in with such a true desire.

I am currently meeting with a friend who is controlling. She knows it and wants to change. She wants a Dom to take control of her instead. I am trying to be that Dom.

It is not easy and there is a long way to go. However she is not being a 'brat' as she genuinely wants to learn to give up control - though she may not find it easy (and neither may I in training her! Though more of that soon.)

abuse and bdsm

2012-01-17T17:10:00.000Z

I know I have discussed the difference between abuse and bdsm often before. However I recently saw a discussion on a UK bdsm contact site that had been stimulated by an article that I think refers to the writers experiences in the US scene. The original article can be read here.

The writer claimed that she had been subject to abuse - safe word ignored and limits crossed - on numerous occasions while playing with Doms in the scene. It is clear from my reading of the article that there were times when she may have put herself unnecessarily in vulnerable situations. However it may be that for some inexperienced young women who want to be part of the scene that they feel this is necessary to be accepted.

The thread on the UK site in the main said that people did not recognise that as something that would happen over here. I have little experience of the "scene" in the UK, never mind the US. However from friends I have heard that the UK scene is fairly safe and friendly if one uses sensible caution. Two female sub friends found a New York spanking club similarly friendly and safe - and one of them enjoyed a nice spanking!

I wonder if any readers have experience of "the scene" either in the UK or elsewhere to know how safe it is for female subs - or male subs for that matter. In any situation there can be manipulative Doms. However, I would have thought that members of "the scene" would look after others and ensure safety - otherwise it would get a bad name and eventually disintegrate.

bondage and hugs

2012-01-09T15:14:00.002Z

I like hugs.

Both receiving and giving.

A hug isn't sensual or sexual. That perhaps is a cuddle. Though hugs can turn into cuddles which in turn can ...

But a hug is there to be reassuring, to offer comfort and friendship. It offers physical and emotional warmth. The fact it is non-sexual can help bring trust. The ability to hold someone close for comfort without ulterior motives.

A correspondent some time ago wrote to me comparing bondage with a hug in a delightfully sensual way,

“It’s like a hug that you can’t get out of, an insistent embrace that won’t fail and won’t be denied.”

I know bondage, particularly predicament bondage, can be uncomfortable, painful even, and challenging. It can also emphasise vulnerability and acceptance of control.

However I liked this comforting description of bondage as being in an embrace. I wonder if others ever find it so?

developing trust

2012-01-03T16:43:00.000Z

It is always said - well by me anyway! - how important trust is in a D/s relationship. Clearly it is important in any relationship. However there can be special concerns about safety - physical, emotional and psychological - that are even more apposite in a D/s relationship and especially where that also involves BDSM.

However I have been surprised in relationships of my own and those of friends how quickly D/s relationships develop and how intense they can become very quickly.

It is as if the length of time it takes to build trust in a vanilla relationship does not apply in a D/s relationship. That trust seems to be accepted so quickly. Perhaps it is because some of the activities demand such trust that it is established so quickly. However shouldn't it be the other way round? That trust is established first before a sub puts herself in risk of potential danger.

Perhaps there are many who are prepared to take the risk. It could even be part of the thrill of the developing relationship.

I worry though that there are unscrupulous or inept Doms out there who need to be identified before they can cause harm. There are also manipulative men who are merely pretending to be Doms to gain power over vulnerable women.

Am I being over-cautious? How do you establish trust at the start of a relationship?

* Happy New Year *

2012-01-01T01:38:00.003Z

I just wanted to say it

to all of you ...

... and to one who will not hear it.

Happy New Year

I'm sure we all deserve one. Very best wishes for 2012 to you all.

P xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Seasonal Greetings

2011-12-23T11:17:00.001Z

Wishing all my readers an enchanting, spellbound and magical festive season.

Pygar xxxx

enchantment

2011-12-12T15:16:00.001Z

I came across this word a little while ago - I forget the context but it was on a bdsm chat site.

The word - enchantment - jumped out at me as if it held a special meaning. I have looked at he dictionary definitions that in no way begin to describe what the word meant to me.

I thought back to two relationships where I felt I may have fallen love - whatever that may mean. I know they were special times with special women where my heart was captured and I may have been tempted to behave irrationally at times.

Perhaps I had been enchanted. There is magic and power in the word that seemed to better describe how I had felt.

There is something in the word too that has a feeling of possession and being possessed. I wondered if that powerful aspect might make it even more applicable to descriptions of relationships that had domination and submission at its heart.

Have you ever been enchanted?

- Or perhaps you are skilled at enchanting others . . .

cookie recipes

2011-12-07T12:23:00.000Z

It is time for the second annual Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza organised by Jz.

I have published my recipe on my Beau blog here.

Happy cooking and eating.

erotica and porn

2011-11-28T15:15:00.001Z

Chatting with a friend the other day she said that she could deep-throat and often enjoyed it. However she hated it when a man held her head and forced himself into her mouth.

I wondered if the easy availability of so much porn with this kind of activity has made some men believe that behaviour like this is acceptable without having gained consent. Has porn made too many men confuse the line between fantasy and reality?

This is even more the case in BDSM. There is so much porn available of women being seriously hurt and appearing to enjoy it and get off on it. It is of course fantasy but is presented as reality. Yes there are many subs who can get off on pain in certain circumstances but as with vanilla porn what appears in videos is very different from what goes on in most peoples bedrooms.

I am worried that in a BDSM context it could cause inexperienced Doms to have inappropriate expectations that could put their subs at risk.

In terms of presenting unrealistic fantasy I am guilty of that myself. Some of my fantasies have appeared in writing in my Beau blog and the Dragonfly Geisha blog as well as elsewhere. They are fantasies and there is nothing wrong with that - unless of course readers expect real life to be like that. Then it can get dangerous.

Have any readers had experience of unrealistic expectations possibly caused by porn? Do any of you have views about the good and bad use of pornography?

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T16:09:00.003Z

Wishing all readers from the other side of the Atlantic a very Happy Thanksgiving.

If any of you are still unsure about how to prepare the turkey I have published a video of a novel approach on my Beau blog here. Have fun!

and ...

2011-11-22T21:26:00.003Z

... thank you also to Southern Sir who nominated my Uncle Agony blog for a VBA. Much appreciated.

more thanks (and an apology)

2011-11-22T17:49:00.002Z

I had not noticed that at least two other bloggers had also nominated me for a VBA award. They were Sky and Sweet girl.

Again thank you very much to you both for your kindness. Please accept my apologies from missing you out on the previous post.

P xx

2011-11-21T14:42:00.001Z

Thank you to thesubmissivebf and to subrosanomore for nominating me for the VBA (versatile blogger award.) You are very kind and it is appreciated.

More soon.

Pxx

wickedness

2011-11-17T18:54:00.001Z

The desires expressed in comments to my previous post by subs - for Doms with at least a degree of wickedness, if not downright evil, reminded me of some posts written several years ago. There I bemoaned the fact that it was the bad guy who always seemed to get the girl.

If you missed them then do look back here, here and here.

kind or evil ... or a little bit of both?

2011-11-14T15:34:00.003Z

In the comments to my last post Shadow described himself as an evil Dom. I wondered whether subs would be attracted more to an evil Dom than a kind one. Shadow felt that the evil Dom definitely had an advantage. Anna also recognised the appeal of a evil dom.

I am sure there may be times when I have a glint in my eye when I may play the part of the evil Dom - but deep down I hope I cannot be truly evil but instead my kindness will ensure my subs know they are safe.

However I do wonder whether many subs secretly crave the danger of an evil Dom and whether or not it is important to know if they scratch the surface that there is some care and kindness there also.

a "bit of fun"

2011-11-07T22:12:00.003Z

blossom has recent published a post here asking readers to say what kind of 'slut' they are. So far readers have suggested ideas such as "faithful slut", "submisive slut" and "obedient slut".

It got me thinking about applying the same idea to Doms when I recollected I called this blog "a kind Dom". After my first meeting with a sub friend she described me as "a sensual Dom". I rather liked that and have used it since.

So I wonder if other Doms have a characteristic they use to describe themselves or whether subs have a word they would use to describe their Dom.

So I am "a kind Dom" or "a sensual Dom". What about others?

The Light in Things

2011-11-04T16:05:00.002Z

A good online friend kirana has started a new blog here. I hope it may shine a ray of light for us.

Do pop in and say hello.

power

2011-10-25T15:50:00.000+01:00

Some of you may know that for a few years I used to visit escorts. I had been faithful to my wife throughout my marriage until then. I needed something else and knew I could not handle an affair so ...

My first Beau blog - beau de jour - was about those experiences.

The power exchange part of an escort encounter is interesting. Most would assume the power is held by the man - the client. He is paying for sex so has the power. However I feel it is - and perhaps has to be for safety - the opposite. The escort lays down the rules on what can and cannot take place. She sets the boundaries - the hard limits if you like. These are necessary to protect her emotional safety as well as her physical safety. On the escort websites there are long lists in the services often of what they do or do not provide. The FAQ pages emphasise this even more. Very, very few escorts advertise themselves as submissive though many will provide Domme services.

They are the ones who need to be in power in this exchange. If the man (client) was in charge - then why would he have to pay? LOL

So much of relationships is about power and our interpretation of this. That I guess is what D/s and BDSM is all about. Even in D/s and BDSM there are long disputes about power - for example discussions on "topping from the bottom". Perhaps all relationships are about power but D/s is more open about it. Perhaps also D/s is the only one where one partner claims to desire to be the one to relinquish all power to the other.

Is D/s just different ends of a continuum of power exchange within all relationships?

dominance and obedience

2011-10-17T13:07:00.004+01:00

A couple of weeks ago I published an email question here on Uncle Agony. I was a little surprised to see it generated only one comment whereas the previous post had provoked a much larger response. Clearly some questions are seen as more interesting than others or can give rise to more ideas of support.

Perhaps it was because the question seemed to be more of a domestic issue than a D/s issue. However for me there were some key D/s points.

To summarise briefly signed loving has fallen out with her husband's (also her Dominant) family. He wants her to go and make up with them. She finds that difficult. Her husband rather than instructing her to do so has not pushed her but wants her to resolve it when she is ready.

I think there is an issue as to whether in a domestic discipline situation her husband should instruct her to resolve the problem. It is clearly distressing to him and she has promised obedience. So should he not just tell her to sort things out and expect it to be done. He seems to be being very reasonable, recognising the consequences of forcing an issue that might be very important to his wife. However isn't the point of a domestic discipline relationship that the husband takes responsibility and should decide what needs to be done and instruct it to happen?

Also from the wife's point of view as she wants to please her husband and not spoil the "bliss" of their current relationship - should she not instigate what is necessary to resolve the situation from her own initiative? Does she not have a duty to bow to her husbands wishes rather than putting her own feelings first?

It just seems to me that the response to the question might be different in a domestic discipline relationship as opposed to in a vanilla relationship.

Any thoughts?

while I am away ...

2011-09-30T14:11:00.001+01:00

I shall be away for a couple of weeks.

To keep you busy while I am away I have published a new email exchange here on Uncle Agony.

Do visit and add your comments.

Thanks

P xx

bondage

2011-09-26T14:58:00.001+01:00

I seem to have revisited a number of topics so was surprised when I realised I had not talked yet of bondage.

Bondage fits so well with domination and submission that I am surprised if most such relationships do not incorporate it at least occasionally.

It fits in perhaps with the "helpless" post below. It creates an immediacy of power and control - and of course helplessness. There is a sensuality to it also and some subs just love the feeling of being held close by the ropes, challenged by positions and even the marks the ropes can leave.

There is beauty too in some ties. Japanese Shibari and Kinbaku can be regarded as art forms. I do enjoy that, however for myself I do not want the aesthetic of it to take away from sensual and dominance aspects of it.

I once tied a sub when naked in a lovely body harness that left her arms and legs free. She then got dressed over the top and we went out for the day. The feel of the rope moving on her skin and holding her close as well as pressing into intimate areas reminded her throughout the day of her control and submission. We had a lovely time when we returned home!

I wonder how it is for readers. Do Doms enjoy the control and power that bondage can bring? Do subs enjoy the sensuality and acceptance of control and the helplessness of being in bondage? Are there others who do not like it at all or who may even be fearful of it?

humiliation and the approach of Doms

2011-09-19T13:14:00.000+01:00

My recent post about humiliation was partly inspired by a recent email from a correspondent. She wanted to know if use of a humiliating task by a Dom as a test of her submission was an appropriately thing for a Dom to do.

You can read her email and my response on Uncle Agony here. Please do visit and add your own comments if you have a view.

Humiliation

2011-09-13T12:53:00.003+01:00

I am not into this in a big way at all. Perhaps in small ways that help enhance a sub's feelings of submission. However I know there are subs who get off on this in a big way - and also Doms who love to humiliate.

A recent correspondent told me of a very humiliating task she was expected to carry out. She could not do it - it was completely out of her nature and potentially dangerous as well as humiliating and degrading. It was the end of their relationship. He "released" her saying she was a wannabe and not a sub. I rather feel that he was the "wannabe" and would not have given a task to his sub that she could not complete if he truly understood her and cared for her.

However there are subs who thrive on humiliation. A sub friend of mine is such a one. A previous Master made her submit to and have sex with strangers, take photographs of herself masturbating in a male toilet, masturbate in her car at a lay-by with traffic passing, urinate wearing tight jeans standing in a busy shopping mall and probably far worse she has never told me of or I have forgotten! She is a mature, strong and intelligent woman. However she thrives on this.

I wonder how readers respond to this area. Can you enjoy being humiliated or humiliating another? Does it strengthen the D/s dynamic for you? Or rather, is it just in danger of removing respect and trust and destroying the dynamic.

Is submission itself a humiliation?

helpless

2011-09-05T21:50:00.001+01:00

I can't remember how the word came into my mind recently.

Now I can't get rid of it as I have the Neil Young song relentlessly going through my mind.

However it seemed to me a counter balance to my previous post about fear. I was thinking of the positive and erotic aspect of helplessness. Who of us Doms does not find that aspect of submission so special - to have another helpless, totally under our control unable to do anything except submit to our desires?

And is that not also what many subs seek - to experience exactly that from the other side. To be truly "helpless".

Do you seek helplessness?

I wonder if lack or fear helps you find it - or whether you seek it to experience that frisson of fear?

fear

2011-08-22T15:05:00.001+01:00

My previous post discussed punishment and domestic discipline and asked questions of when this might be regarded as abuse.

A very interesting discussion followed - and thank you again to all who contributed. Sweet girl contributed the interesting suggestion that the difference between dd punishment and abuse was fear.

But can fear have a role in D/s? Certainly a sense of heightened anticipation can add greatly to a BDSM scene. Perhaps this can amount to genuine fear in certain circumstances. After some discussion of this Sweet girl made it clear that she meant fear of the person rather than fear of the act. I agreed with this. Surely BDSM is built on trust - and can one trust someone who one fears?

But others may feel that even fear of the person might be part of a scene.

Have you been frightened in a scene? Have you been frightened by a Dom? Are they experiences you might wish to repeat?

punishment and domestic discipline

2011-08-17T14:43:00.001+01:00

Yes - I know I said I wasn't going to write any more about punishment. I got tempted!!!

I was wondering about punishment and domestic discipline. Presumably in a domestic discipline relationship the sub should not enjoy the punishment - otherwise it would not help enforce the discipline. Some subs from relationships that they would not describe as domestic discipline have made similar points in comments on earlier posts.

But if the punishment is of a physical nature and the sub dislikes it - then is that getting close to abuse? yes - I know consent has been given as part of a relationship freely entered into. However there are relationships that clearly are abusive where the person abused does not remove herself from the relationship that she has freely entered into.

Intuitively I think we can all sense the difference. However I am still finding it hard to articulate the difference clearly and precisely.

a gift

2011-08-09T14:32:00.001+01:00

Is submission a gift?

I have often described it such - as a precious gift from a sub to a Dom. Something that when given deserves care, respect and loyalty in return at the very least.

However this was recently questioned on another site. The writer - a sub herself - questioned why it should be described in this way. She wondered why was domination not a gift? She did not describe other attributes and skills in a vanilla relationship in this way. So why was submission a gift?

I still think it is but it has left me confused!

punishment, D/s and BDSM

2011-08-02T17:17:00.002+01:00

Forgive another (final?) post on this topic.

I do use "punishment" as part of a D/s relationship. However it is not with the intention of punishing as such. It is because I want to! There is something of the sadist in me. So it would really be part of BDSM play rather than a serious approach to training. I still believe that praise is more effective for that. Though punishment can be fun.

However I want it to be fun for both of us. Though perhaps then it is no longer punishment.

I recognise that punishment forms part of the D/s dynamic and may even help a sub to feel more controlled and submissive. I think that is its justifiable purpose in D/s rather than as a means of control. A true Dom would have no need of punishment in a trusting and loving D/s relationship to maintain control. However it could be fun!

So perhaps my use of punishment is much more related to my BDSM interests than the need to use it to enforce my dominance. I feel no such need.

Though I have twice felt a strong desire to punish a sub severely and painfully. Both occasions were at a time of break up. Each time I felt I had been badly treated and let down. It made me angry. On the most recent case I have even fantasised about beating the said sub. However if she came to me now to make up I would feel no real need to beat her. The anger has passed and in any case a Dom should not discipline a sub when angry.

Does any of this hang together? I guess I'm just a crazy mixed up Dom!

praise

2011-07-27T09:13:00.000+01:00

I have been offering some mentorship to a sub friends. She had recently come out of a long term relationship and was missing her submission. So I have been providing her with some support and tasks to help her maintain and develop her submissive feelings until she feels ready for a new relationship.

As I am not her Master - and also I suppose because I am standing back a little - I have not felt it appropriate to "punish" her. Instead I have used lots of praise for when she has done well - which is most of the time as she is committed and trying very hard.

So she has had lots of praise and encouragement as a sub and no punishment ...

... and she is doing very, very well. She is blossoming into her submission and feels that herself as well as it being my perception.

So I have a couple of questions.

1. Is it possible to have a D/s relationship where training relies totally on praise?

and

2. Am I misleading her by providing a regime that may be very different from a more punishment based one with a future Dom?

punishment

2011-07-25T11:36:00.000+01:00

I have written a number of times before about punishment. However Uncle Agony recently received an email on this topic and I have published it here. Do please add your own comments.

It was a coincidence as I had planned to write a post about praise instead of punishment within D/s. I will publish it in a couple of days.

waxing

2011-07-21T08:50:00.001+01:00

Subs - do you wax? Do you like to be smooth for your Master?

Dom's - do you like your sub to be smooth?

Is it an issue for you?

What if it was something that was particularly special. An issue for you. What if it was an issue for you both? What if it was a major issue for one of you one way - but equally so for the other in the opposite direction.

Is it always the Dom's call? How should it be resolved?

star has this as a real problem and has written to Uncle Agony here.

Do let her know what you think.

road block

2011-07-16T23:38:00.002+01:00

Trance has written to Uncle Agony.

She is in a relationship where they are both new to D/s and keen to move forward. However they have hit an early road block. How do they get past it? If you think you may be able to help then please do comment here.

the role of submission in shamelessness

2011-07-13T20:56:00.003+01:00

On a comment to an earlier post "submission and sex", Remittance Girl wrote ...

"I'm about to say something that will probably be considered very politically incorrect. I've come to believe that, for a great many women who take on the roll of submissives, submission is, ironically, a liberation that allows them to be sexual beings in a way they find more difficult in a vanilla situation. It becomes a very sexualized transition for them - even if it doesn't specifically involve sexual acts.

We live in a very strange time. Ostensibly, society encourages women to be equals, play the part of sexual aggressor, be proud of their sexual appetites, etc. But we are labouring under the weight of history - and our culture is steeped in a much older Judeo-Christian aesthetic that has, for 4000 years, drilled into the very fabric of our language that women with sexual appetites are bad, dangerous, evil, immoral.

And traditional feminism would have us believe that in the space of 40 years, all that earlier cultural conditioning can be negated with the click of the fingers. It's just not realistic.

Being submissive allows women to be hypersexual beings - to admit, explore and express that hunger - with 'permission'. This relieves them of the burden of being responsible because it is the Dom who acts as authority. And he, in essence, takes responsibility for when and how she gets to be sexual. But within that boundary, she usually gets to be very sexual indeed.

That's why I've argued very strongly that deciding to be a submissive is an intrinsically feministic act. It allows women to be who they want to be, without doubt or the subconscious guilt born of thousands of years of conditioning.

I do think, for most submissive women, sex is a pretty major part of being submissive. Even if that sexuality is not always explicit."

I am interested in her comments about being "politically incorrect" and on "feminism". I may come back to those issues in another post. However here I would like to discuss her view that being submissive frees their sexuality from restraints and gives them permission to be shameless. Because a submissive is no longer in control of her own actions - having given that responsibility to their Dom - they no longer have responsibility for them. In this way all guilt and social conditioning is removed. In its place is developed a new sexualised conditioning implicitly agreed with the Dom.

Many commenters to my previous post "shameless" also wrote of how their submisive relationship helped them to become "shameless". Sophia Anne wrote about "finding my sexual freedom in slavery" which led her to becoming more and more debauched and a libertine.

So does the argument hold water? Does the very act of submission help remove sexual inhibitions? Does submission make one shameless?

shameless

2011-07-02T15:49:00.002+01:00

So powerful to feel totally shameless.

Though I wonder how much society can make some feel shame is aspects of their behaviour. A sub friend I know once felt some shame in her promiscuity and also in her submissive desires. I was so pleased with her when she wrote on her blog that our time together had helped her cast aside her feelings of shame.

Can you do that? Be strong and proud and cast aside your shame?

Are you shameless?

macho Doms

2011-06-23T19:29:00.000+01:00

Perhaps the title I gave to this blog (A Kind Dom) was a reaction to any assumption that Doms needed to be macho. Yes a Dom needs to be confident and at times assertive. Perhaps that is "macho". But I have heard sub friends talk of of Doms who feel the need to express their machismo to the extent of not really being interested in the response of their subs.

It can come across often as posturing. As if the Dom feels the need to present themselves in a dominating role. Many of you may have seen this kind of thing - and it is an image that seems to present itself often.

However if a Dom has the character to lead and support and offer control to a sub does he need the machismo posturing - or does that come from those who would pretend to be Dom?

displays of submisson

2011-06-15T20:54:00.000+01:00

I have been interested that many subs enjoy having a physical display of their submission. The wearing of a collar is a very popular example of this and I know many subs find wearing a collar very powerful.

Others take if even further into marking of their body. Many enjoy the marking that can come from a beating and enjoy it when these marks last for a while. Perhaps that too helps maintain the memory of a special time. Though I am really thinking here of examples such as tattoos. There are those who have a slave registration number or bar-code tattooed on their body. Clearly this emphasises their total commitment to their role.

Though perhaps in that case Doms should also do something similar!

Physical manifestations can be a powerful reminder and I have occasionally used items such as jewellery, chains etc in this way with a sub.

I wonder though if many Doms wear anything as a reminder of their dominance and commitment and whether that is as powerful a reminder for them.

holiday reading

2011-06-06T20:53:00.001+01:00

I'm back!

Yes thank you to the commenters on my previous post. My break was a little rest and relaxation and it was very enjoyable.

I read a very popular thriller while I was away. It had me gripped - it was well written and exciting and I liked the characterisation. However there was one aspect that troubled me. Sadistic violence and abuse of women was part of at least three separate threads in the story. Each of the evil and violent men had their comeuppance as was dealt with severely. So the moral was that such behaviour was evil. However given that this was used gratuitously in the novel I felt there was a hypocritical approach in almost using it as titillation to draw in the reader. It had the opposite effect on me when I read one such event and I really felt for the woman concerned - who I had begun to like a lot in the novel. Perhaps also I did not like the fact that some things used in a consensual bdsm context were described here used in such a seriously abusive way. At the end of the book there was a short extract from the follow up book in the series. What did it contain? Yes another scene of violence on my favourite woman in the book! This just reinforced to me that the violence against women was being used in a gratuitous and titillating way and turned me off wanting to buy the next book. Before that I had wanted to because most of the book was about journalistic research, finance and computer hacking in a thrilling way and described some interesting characters and relationships.

I also fell in love.

No - not for real but with one of the women in the novel! Perhaps it was that mixture of intelligence, strength and vulnerability. Or perhaps it was that she reminded me strongly of someone with whom I was once very close. In most ways they are totally different - but there were some qualities that I felt were very alike.

So when I found her bound and prepared for torture in the excerpt from the next book - I wanted to do serious violence to the author for putting her in such a situation again!!!!!

Pause

2011-05-28T14:46:00.000+01:00

I shall be away all of next week. However I will be thinking of something to post on my return!

Back soon.

P xx

submision and sex

2011-05-23T16:45:00.000+01:00

I have written before that for me BDSM is intimately connected with sensuality. But what about sex?

There is no direct connection between D/s and sex or BDSM and sex. For many, D/s is separate from sex and a BDSM scene may have no sexual content. Indeed many professional Dominatrices and submissives specifically exclude sexual contact from their services.

I do not have to have sexual contact as part of a scene - however I do like it. The submission of a woman to me has a erotic charge. It has often happened when I have read an email from a woman submitting to me where they have written nothing salacious - yet I have found myself become physically aroused. So yes, for me there is a direct connection between D/s and sex.

How is it for you? Do other Doms become aroused by someone submitting to them? And what about subs? Do you become aroused by another dominating you?

love

2011-05-18T20:38:00.002+01:00

There is a great discussion taking place on Uncle Agony about love in the lifestyle. I am almost afraid to join in - in case I will put people off! Thank you to all who have contributed. If you haven't joined in yet or even read it then do get over there quickly!

love and the lifestyle

2011-05-16T13:17:00.000+01:00

I have just published an interesting email about this on Uncle Agony. Do add your comments.

the importance of control

2011-05-11T21:23:00.000+01:00

The last two posts have been to do with who has control in a relationship. Daneswood told me of an example of her own,

"I had someone offer to pay me £23k a year to be his Mistress. All I had to do is torture him and work him hard as a slave 24/7 and attend the odd business meeting on his behalf. He’d tailored his business to work online 99% of the time. I turned him down because I didn’t feel I’d have all the control, it would be him."

Daneswood felt that despite some of the things he wanted to experience being quite extreme - it was his list of activities not hers. She wouldn't be using her imagination and getting her pleasure from using him. In the end he still had the control as she was carrying out his instructions. Perhaps the financial aspect also gave him some control.

I suppose it was an extreme case of topping from the bottom. I think she was very virtuous to turn down the money though!

leading and being led

2011-05-05T15:05:00.002+01:00

This is related to my previous post about who is in control and whether if is okay for a sub to sometimes take the lead and even control in order to give pleasure to her Dom. In this case though it is whether it is okay for a sub to take the lead in order to improve - or even create the necessary dynamic to make the relationship work. The idea came from little one in a comment on Uncle Agony. There was an interesting discussion about whether a sub should perhaps take the lead in emphasising her submission in the hope that it might awaken her husbands dominant side. little one felt this might create a dilemma when ultimately she wanted to be led rather than to lead.

(You can read the full discussion here.)

What do readers think? Is it sometimes good for a sub to take the lead or ultimately might that result in an unfulfilling relationship?

Domination, service and submission

2011-05-02T17:40:00.000+01:00

I wrote some time ago about active and passive submission. I explained there how I prefer a sub to actively seek out ways of ensuring my pleasure rather than waiting passively to be used or commanded.

I was reminded of this recently by a post on a message board. The writer who was a Dom said that he sometimes felt submissive if he was passive while his sub was actively pleasing him. I think if a Dom is confident in his dominance then there should be no reason for him to feel submissive. Surely it is the role of a sub to serve and that is what she was doing. However I did get part of his point.

I can remember some years ago receiving a relaxing massage from a platonic friend. It was delightful but I somehow felt almost guilty lying there placidly and receiving pleasure when I felt I should be returning it in some way.

In a sense being serviced by a sub, allowing her to give pleasure, is giving up control and giving the control over to the sub. It is she who is in control of the pleasure giving. Isn't control a key part of the D/s dynamic? Should it not be the Dom who remains in control?

I see no problem with allowing my sub to take control of pleasuring me. However I wonder if other Doms feel it is not appropriate to give up control in this way and whether any subs feel uncomfortable about taking such control?

introducing your submisive needs to your husband part 2

2011-04-28T19:34:00.000+01:00

The second similar email was from "London". We discussed whether she would be better discussing it openly with her husband or instead almost trying to seduce him into dominating her. You can read the emails here.

If you have a view then do please add to the comments there.

introducing your submissive needs to your husband

2011-04-26T15:09:00.002+01:00

I know a number of subs who have tried to introduce their submissive needs to their husband but who have met with incomprehension or hostility. I occasionally get emails from subs who ask for advice on how to raise their needs with their husband in the hope that he will discover his Dom side and try to meet these needs. Sadly it does not always work out so well. Many husbands find it difficult to overcome their understandable desire to care for and respect their wife and find D/s and BDSM activities an anathema.

I have had two such emails recently. I have published the first on Uncle Agony here. I will publish the other in a few days. If you have similar experiences or some suggestions it would be great to read your comments over there.

anger

2011-04-19T21:49:00.003+01:00

I read a post on a message board on a contact site a few days ago.

It was titled "Angry Play".

Basically it was asking if any Doms took it out on their subs when they were angry.

My response was that "Angry Play" isn't play - it is abuse.

I did receive some support for this view and for similar views. However there were many who supported approaches to playing when one was angry.

I have written about anger before here. (It was several years ago and on reading it again found it more articulate than my present thoughts!)

I was surprised though on the message board thread that so many were accepting about different approaches to "angry play". There was a strong feeling that play could help with dissipating anger.

I wondered what my readers think. Is angry play therapeutic or abuse?

kneeling

2011-04-12T11:57:00.001+01:00

I am not a religious person. I do not have a religious faith.

But I do find some old churches very special, calm, peaceful places where I can reflect and consider or perhaps dream. I can even indulge myself in ritual or symbolism. A few days ago when I was visiting another city I popped into a favourite historic church. I lit a candle, thinking of some current family issues and those of a close friend. There is something appropriate (comforting?) about such rituals.

Later I remembered two others in the church who were kneeling - perhaps praying and in deep contemplation of things very close and precious to them. I thought about the symbolism of kneeling. This made me think also of subs kneeling for their Master.

In a religious sense it is a symbol (or aspect) of worship. Very powerful. Very intense. Is it this powerfulness and intensity of feeling what is being searched for in the different context of D/s? For the sub as well as for the Master. Or is it something different. Why is kneeling often used in a D/s context?

I have always asked subs to kneel for me. It has given a closeness and preciousness to our relationship - and emphasised the power relationship.

I have read suggestions that as our society becomes more secular many people who no longer have religion are looking for alternatives - such as astrology, meditation, almost anything to fill the gap left. I wondered too whether D/s or BDSM might for some be such an alternative?

A new question for Uncle Agony

2011-04-06T20:34:00.000+01:00

Uncle Agony has received a question from puppy. She is a young sub having difficulty in finding a Dom to give her real time experience. You can read her email here.

If you have any suggestions I hope you may add a comment.

Thanks.

punishment

2011-04-04T22:22:00.006+01:00

I have been struggling with another post all week ... and want to get it right before publishing - or perhaps just discard it. Perhaps it will be less controversial than I think but I need to word it correctly.

OK - then this is off the top of my head following on from the last post about pain and punishment.

So ...

Why punishment?

What has it got to do with BDSM and D/s?

Is it just an excuse for a sadist to administer pain or for a sub to accept pain? Is it really necessary to use punishment to express control? Surely if a Master has to punish to maintain control then he is not really in control?

How does it fit into Domestic Discipline? Positive reinforcement of acceptable behaviour has been shown to work better than punishment of bad behaviour. I would never condone spanking as an appropriate way of disciplining a child - so why for a wife (or husband)?

How does the concept of "punishment" fit in to BDSM relationships? Surely one can enjoy D/s and BDSM within their own structures and "punishment" need play no part. If I want to beat my sub or she wishes to be beaten then let's do it ... in which case it isn't punishment for either of us.

Please forgive any lightness in the argument here - just to keep you on the ball until the next post!!!!

Thank you all though for continuing to read and comment. I've had some lovely mail and thoughtful comments recently. I really do appreciate all the kind support.

pain and punishment

2011-03-28T17:20:00.000+01:00

I have written a number of posts below relating to pain. The one aspect I have perhaps not addressed though is pain in relation to punishment.

It is partly because I have a problem with punishment. Yes - being punished can form part of a play scene - but I would never punish a sub with a beating for instance because she had displeased me. If she felt it would help her to suffer retribution for a misdemeanour then I might be prepared to carry out such a punishment but it would have to be at her request - or even pleading - and only if I judged it would really help her.

So you will have guessed already that I am not into domestic discipline. However I know there are readers of this blog who are part of such relationships. There will be others in different kinds of D/s relationships where pain is used as a punishment for certain behaviours.

But as I have described in other posts below - I want (need?) my sub to gain some satisfaction, fulfilment and even pleasure from pain I administer. Perhaps some subs in a DD relationship will say that they do get satisfaction from a painful punishment.

But therein lies the problem. If one comes to enjoy being punished - then surely it ceases to be a punishment?

A question for Pygar.

2011-03-18T17:09:00.001Z

I have just received an email from Naughty Monkey. She has asked me a question as part of Q&A month.

As Uncle Agony has had few questions to answer recently I have published my answer to her interesting question on that blog. You can read it here.

Do pop over and let us know what you think.

Intimacy

2011-03-14T18:14:00.004Z

When I was a college student I bought a book by Jean Paul Satre called Intimacy.

Why did I buy it?

Perhaps I was tempted by the picture on the cover. Or was it the phrase "corruption of love" in the description. There was certainly the pretension of pseudo-intellectualism in carrying it around with me unread!

But there was too something powerful about the word.

Intimacy

Perhaps it was something I craved but didn't have. It seemed to imply something erotic and special - a depth of experience I had not had then. I doubt I knew the meaning of intimacy at that time and I wonder if I do now.

It is not a word I use often. Certainly not recently. In thinking over the last few days about its meaning I found my immediate response to be very physical. To talk of an intimate relationship or encounter seems almost synonymous with describing a sexual one. Is that not how the word is most often used? Intimate contact seems to imply sexual contact, genital contact - a purely physical act.

However the more I thought of the word the more those earlier feelings returned. Intimacy seemed to imply something special - certainly more than fumbling sexual contact. There is an emotional context to it as well. There is emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy. "Intimacy" itself seems to imply a physical and emotional connection that is much more subtle.

The more I have thought about it the more I feel that it implies a very special relationship that is not love or sex or affection or physical contact. There is something sensual about the word but something that implies a closeness that cannot be described by those other words.

I found myself thinking about this having read Jz's post about her relationship and some difficult thoughts and decisions.

In it she wrote,

"It is in that loft, however, where the intangible thing comes out to play.
It's not love - I've had that with people who never made it through the hallway. But it is nearly as visceral.
Because those who've run the gamut win my trust and together, we generate intimacy. True, profound, binding intimacy."

The word within that very powerful phrase held me. True, profound, binding intimacy.

I still don't think I fully understand "intimacy" or what it means. However, I have been reminded of the power of it and feel I should search it out once more.

I write of it here because it seems central to a bdsm relationship. What could be more intimate?

domination, pain and sadism

2011-03-09T17:27:00.001Z

This is a follow up post to my previous post on submission, pain and masochism and its follow up pain.

My thoughts started with a combination of each but felt it might be better to try to raise issues from each side of the Dom/sub and sadist/masochist divide separately.

Dominance does not imply violence. In my day to day life I hate violence. I could not countenance hitting another person.

Unless.

Unless ...

... it was part of a consensual BDSM relationship.

How about if it were part of a consensual D/s relationship? Perhaps.

Perhaps?

Well ... it could be part of administering control and establishing dominance. It clearly would be with consent - but not necessarily with desire though I would treat it differently in each case.

The acceptance of pain can be a way that a sub can express her submission and a Dom can emphasise the element of control. However a Dom needs to take care here. The pain should not be in itself the controlling characteristic. A Dom should not control through the threat or administration of pain. In such cases it may cease to be Domination and become abuse.

No - it is rather through the acceptance of pain that within a trusting D/s relationship a sub may express the depth of her submission. This might seem like "topping from the bottom" but I believe it has to be the sub's acceptance of pain rather than the Dom's administration of pain that is the key in a non-masochistic relationship.

My key enjoyment is the combination and contrast of pleasure and pain. The exploration of the sensuality of sensation - whether pleasure or pain. The discovery of sensuous and sexual desire though exploration of sensation that could be either or both at the same time. As a switch friend once said to me, "pain is merely extreme sensation and not necessarily to be avoided - and sometimes even to be embraced."

But what if she is merely accommodating my own sadism? Am I a sadist if I enjoy the administration of pain? Does that matter? Does that make me cruel? Does that matter?

I enjoy administering pain as long as it is within a trusting D/s setting - where I know that on some level my sub partner is getting as much from it as me. Indeed I enjoy it all the more if I know that she is enjoying it too. I love masochists!

If she wasn't - I'm not sure I could do it.

But ...

I was interested in something Jz wrote on a recent post. She quoted a conversation with a Dom friend when he said ...

"That is really how I am, You must whimper because you are really whimpering, so that it is completely for my pleasure, and knowing that is what has to give you pleasure."

He wants her to whimper. To really whimper. Only for his pleasure. There is real sadism there. But he wants her to gain her own pleasure from knowing that it is giving him pleasure. In the end it will only work if she has pleasure too.

Part of me would like to search for that woman who will willingly whimper for me through knowing that it gives me pleasure. But part of me wants more than that - I want her to gain pleasure from the physical aspect too. I worry that the psychological pleasure of knowing she has pleased me could be so easily manipulated by some that it could come close to abuse.

I want most of all the sensuality of the connection of pleasure and pain.

pain

2011-03-02T21:31:00.004Z

I had planned to move on from my last post about "submission, pain and masochism" to discuss it from the Dom's perspective. However the fascinating comments to the previous post have raised a few more points I would like to discuss first.

♥LETRENTEAVRIL♥ mentioned emotional pain. That seemed to bring in a whole new dimension which probably deserves - and, who knows, one day may get - a post all to itself. Emotional pain seems a very harsh thing to inflict on a sub - more so than physical pain. In many ways physical pain is easier to control - to recognise the impact of what one is administering. But emotional pain? That could be damaging in ways one could never see. Emotional or psychological bruises are invisible unlike physical ones.

I would be wary of administering emotional pain - but I recollect a meeting with a sub friend some time ago. We used to play together occasionally and I used to try to have a theme to make each meeting different. For one I chose pain and told her beforehand. I imagined she would expect it was about different kinds of physical pain - and of course it was - but also about other kinds of pain. I forget now what I had planned but remember introducing the pain of denial, the pain of rejection and of humiliation. I suppose these are kinds of emotional pain but they were intended in gentle ways where the effect was not intended to last outside the time of our meeting - but who can tell?

The other point that came from the comments was the lack of admission of masochism. In the main pain was tied up with the notion of submission - a gift to one's master. A few talked of their occasional enjoyment of pain and how this had developed, perhaps leading into masochism. However there was no detailed comment from someone who was able to describe enjoying pain for its own sake - or for what pain alone could bring to her fulfilment.

I suppose there are few who eagerly seek out pain but there are those who do gain great satisfaction from it. Sometimes they can be the same person. A sub friend - who I have not played with - told me of how she had a low pain threshold. She did not enjoy it at all. But she was seeking a master who could beat her severely. Once a dom had beaten her until she went into subspace. She said he was skilled and knew what he was doing and stayed with her holding her gently and close as she took some hours to come back down from that special place. She longed to find it again.

I wonder if others have had such experiences?

submission, pain and masochism

2011-02-22T20:51:00.000Z

I have written about pain before here. However a conversation with an online friend has got me thinking about it again.

There is a big difference between a submissive and a masochist. There is no reason why a submissive should enjoy pain whereas a masochist revels in it.

Few of us will seek out pain except under special circumstances. However the masochist - and also the sub who begins to learn the pleasure of pain - know of the endorphins that are released that can take one to a special place.

That can be rare for many. It is also different from submission. I think though that the acceptance of pain can be enjoyed by a submissive without the endorphine rush as part of the submissive act. The fact that one would normally avoid pain (after all it is a natural sensation to warn us of danger and potential damage) makes it a very submissive act to accept pain from one's Dom. It can become a measure of the submission - a proof of the depth of it - an acceptance of control and the will of their Master.

So the pleasure in pain can be just a delight in one's own acceptance of control and the will of one's Master. If it were pleasureable in itself then perhaps it would not show and illustrate that acceptance of control and domination - the will to please one's Master despite the pain.

So the pain for a sub who is not naturally a masochist may be very different. However I wonder if this pleasure in accepting pain for a Master turns eventually into accepting pain as a pleasure in its own right. The fact that one is pleasing one's Master though accepting pain gives pleasure and satisfaction that leads one to seek it out ...

... does one then become a masochist?

For a sub in domestic discipline perhaps it is different again. In such cases a spanking or other beating is to control - to punish inappropriate behaviour. If one began to enjoy the spankings ... then surely it would no longer be a punishment and the discipline has gone?

Forgive these initial fumblings. It is a complex subject and I am eager to hear from readers. I have tried to write this from the perspective of the sub - and I have no experience of this. I will try to write later from the perspective of the Dom.

But for now - the sub's perspective. Am I wide of the mark?

struggle

2011-02-20T13:20:00.002Z

I am struggling with a new post at the moment. I started writing a new post about pain - but am having difficulty with it. While I whip it into shape you might be interested in the following.

I wrote a little while ago about "topping from the bottom".

I have just discovered that someone has used it as the basis for a discussion on Fetlife. If you are a member you can read the fascinating discussion here.

I may try to publish a brief synopsis of it in a comment - unless anyone else feels the urge to do so!

Thank you HisSoleProperty for using my thoughts to engender further discussion of this topic. It is interesting to see how a different group of people have responded to it.

More about 'pain' soon!

lonely heart

2011-02-14T11:40:00.000Z

Searching for that special sub ...

face slapping

2011-02-09T14:12:00.000Z

I read a story by an online friend. In it, early on a first meeting the Dom slapped the sub across the face. He later repeated it. My friend confided that it was actually a true story.

I wrote to her that I was not sure I would have been so courageous as a Dom on a first meeting. There is something so very powerful and dramatic and potentially humiliating in a face slap - apart also from the pain and potential damage! Unless of course it had been agreed before the meeting as appropriate play. She told me that before the meeting she would have considered it a hard limit but at the time it moved her and created a passionate arousal.

It is not always like this though. I have seen two bdsm video clips where face slapping had clearly not been discussed beforehand. In each the actress - despite being involved in other very intense play - was upset and shaken by the face slapping to the extent that the scene had to be adapted.

I wonder what it is about this particular act that is somehow so personal and powerful? Any ideas? Do you enjoy/accept/endure face slapping as donor or recipient?

protection

2011-02-01T13:36:00.004Z

I mentioned in my earlier post about mentoring that I was also thinking about "protection". I had been discussing this with blossom. She has written a post about it here.

There has been some discussion about it in the comments. I tend to agree with Dauntless Vitality in his comment here that it is most often seen on social networking sites. Sometimes a sub will even describe herself as "under Protection" as a way of avoiding too much unwanted and unsolicited mail from Doms.

Alice in her comment speculated on whether another sub could be a protector. I can imagine some scenarios where this would work but blossom was more dubious. I wonder what other readers feel about that?

By coincidence I had an email the other day from a sub who had recently been 'placed "Under Protection" '. With her agreement I have published it on Uncle Agony here. I feel her protector was overstepping the mark - I would be interested to know there whether others agree. However his description of the role of a protector seems very good.

So - what does protection in this sense mean to you? Is it something completely different? Is there a place for this in D/s?

mentoring

2011-01-26T18:58:00.004Z

Sometimes on BDSM social networking and contact sites one sees subs describing themselves as being mentored by or under the protection of a Dom friend. I was discussing this recently with blossom. She posted about it here.

I have tended to assume just common sense interpretations of these words and corresponding roles. But is there more that comes with it from the D/s dynamic? blossom suggests there may be different levels that could even lead into a training role. For me though a training role would lie outside a mentoring role and be distinct from it. But where the line lies between them I am not sure. For mentoring is a kind of support which is close to teaching ... which in turn can come close to training.

Have any readers felt themselves officially or unofficially mentoring a sub or being mentored by a Dom? Is it more structured than I have described and should it be? Should training form any part of mentorship?

I was going to develop this further into the area of "protection". But that will perhaps be better as a separate post.

100

2011-01-20T13:02:00.003Z

Thank you Marc_oo - or perhaps I should say "merci".

Mark_oo is the 100th follower of this blog. Thank you also to the 99 others. Please forgive me if I don't mention you all by name!

Some time ago David told me here that I also had 100 readers on Google Reader.

So thank you to those readers too.

All I need to do now is to think of something worth writing for all of you!

No pressure there then ...

PS - Anyone care to accept 100 spanks to celebrate? No? Oh well - it was worth a try! :)

woman

2011-01-17T13:03:00.002Z

As well as her being a "good girl" I want her to be a woman.

A real woman - with a woman's strength, a woman's sensitivity, a woman's body, a woman's sensuality, a woman's sexuality, a woman's desires and a woman's needs.

Give me a real woman to love, care for, play with and use.

"good girl" - again

2011-01-12T22:34:00.004Z

I was writing a comment in response to the lovely comments I had to my "good girl" post below. However the responses were all so personal and interesting that I decided to write a follow up post instead.

Thank you all! How wonderful to get so many responses. I suppose it shows how powerful those words were as I had suggested.

Forgive me if I don't thank you all by name - please consider yourselves thanked. "Good girls"!

(And hyvä tyttö to one who hasn't commented yet but also to any others who may understand it - including one who I think might!)

I understand how many of you have found it a term of praise and recognition and thus gives you great pleasure. But wouldn't "well done" do the same? Part of me thinks not.

There is something about "good girl" that seems more powerful Indeed is it not to do with power? The ability for a man to say to a grown woman "good girl" and for her to delight in it? For a strong woman in other circumstances - running a home, a job, taking on so many responsibilities ...

To be described as a "girl" - it might seem demeaning.

But as a "good girl" - then the contrast of the praise with that.

Can that be part of it?

thesubmissivebf mentioned the recollections of its use in our youth. Perhaps that is part of it too.

Mindset talks of the "inner child". Is there not an inner child in all of us that longs to be cherished?

nancy also mentioned the childhood associations.

So is there an element of feeling small and cared for that is part of this that fits in with the D/s dynamic?

NewToThisLife07 values the fact that a Dom also takes pleasure in these words.

Perhaps that completes the circle of domination and submission formed by those two simple words:

"Good girl"

But thank you all for the expressive way in which you wrote of those words moving you ... it was moving also to read of them.

P xxxx

"good girl"

2011-01-10T15:23:00.000Z

Why are these two words so powerful?

I have used them twice recently with online friends - but not in a serious way. I am not the Dom of either of them. Indeed one has a Dom of her own. I intended no disrespect to him.

With each of them it was kind of an in-joke. It recognised their alignment as sub and mine as a Dom. It was intended as a kind and light hearted remark in the context of a friendly conversation. I was concerned each time in case I had overstepped the mark. It can be a very special comment between a Dom and their sub.

On each occasion the sub took it in the way intended - but also commented on the pleasure they had gained from me using those two words.

What is it about those two words that makes them so powerful?

So to all subs reading - thank you for visiting the blog. You are a "good girl". (Or "good boy"!)

tenderness

2011-01-05T16:57:00.000Z

I have just published an email from George on Uncle Agony. Here is a small part of it.

"I am afraid "converting" to a D/s-type relationship will ... I don't know, ruin things? How do I balance dominating this girl who I love very much, and by whom I am so perfectly loved, with a D/s sexual relationship? I think that she truly needs to be dominated to be sexually fulfilled. She had a very difficult upbringing in that she was forced to grow up early. Giving up her control and surrendering to the world gives her the relief from her responsibility she needs. I am more than happy to do this for her. But I don't want to lose the hand-holding, kissing, laughing sweetness of a traditional relationship which I take so much pleasure in."

It got me thinking about tenderness, D/s relationships and BDSM.

There are some Doms who are stern and subs who want them to be like that. They appear strict all the time and may enjoy humiliating as well as beating their sub. From the outside there seems little tenderness and the love may appear to take a harsher form. However it may seem very different from the inside.

To me love, care and tenderness are an important constituent part of D/s and BDSM. I remember loving walking hand in hand with the sub who I have been closest to in real life. I enjoyed smiles, snatched kisses and looks - all the things that lovers enjoy. There seemed no contradiction between this and our D/s relationship. It was part of the glue that helped make it work.

Is tenderness not also a constituent part of BDSM? What else is the caress before or after the stroke of an instrument? Without such caresses, contrasts between gentle and fierce, would it not just be a punishment? Just the S without the BD and M.

At then end too of a demanding, intense, painful or emotional scene the helping to bring the sub back to the real world. The holding, hugging, caressing, kissing ...

Perhaps there is more need for true caring and comforting in such a relationship than in other relationships.

Surely tenderness is an essential part of BDSM?

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T00:10:00.002Z

Happy New Year everyone.

I hope you all find happiness and fulfilment - as well as a host of sensual delights - in 2011. I hope I do too!

And who knows - we may even find some interesting topics to discuss!

I can hear fireworks going off around me as I write - so once again Happy New Year!!!!

A submissive's say ...

2010-12-13T22:23:00.003Z

"We do have a say in what happens to us."

Yes Jz you do and should have. Subs understand this I think better than many Doms. Subs who don't understand this are putting themselves in danger.

Do read Jz's recent post. She has written much of what I have been stumbling to say over recent months and years. You can find it here.

I think a good summary is contained in her words here:

"Genuine, sustainable submission comes from deep within and is based on faith and trust."

I hope that is what I have been trying to argue here.

Learning to become a Dom

2010-12-08T20:17:00.000Z

Uncle Agony has recently had an email from a man whose wife is a sub with some D/s experience - yet he has problems with acting as a Dom but wants to meet his wife's needs. His email and my response are published on Uncle Agony here.

Many of you may have been in such relationships yourselves either as sub or Dom - I know personally of a few. If any of you have thoughts or advice to offer then please do read his interesting email and add a comment.

Am I experienced?

2010-12-06T22:29:00.001Z

One occasionally sees on contact sites people describing themselves as "experienced Doms" or seeking them. I began to wonder what this meant. Am I experienced?

I get emails from readers asking for advice - which suggests they assume I have a level of experience to be able to help them.

Where though does one gain such experience? How and when does one become experienced?

I do not have experience and expertise of using a single tail whip - but have enough life experience to know not to use it on another human being without appropriate knowledge and experience. Before a planned wax play session with a special friend - I first arranged a wax play session with an "experienced" sub friend. It was my first time and I could discuss it with her as we went along - so as a Dom I learned and gained experience from a sub. One should not be too proud about such things. It worked well - I learned enough to make the special session I had planned work very well because I had gained enough confidence and used appropriate caution.

Experience is very comparative and is not just about expertise in BDSM skills whether they be in use of a whip, wax play or anything else. There is much information available now also on many web sites for those eager to increase their knowledge.

In the end though perhaps more important is experience of life and relationships. In addition a true consideration for the needs of others and humility at ones own lack of knowledge and experience.

A Dom may claim expertise with a particular item of equipment - but if he has not the empathy to understand how and when to use it with a sub friend then that experience is worth nothing.

We are none of us too old or too experienced to learn.

So dear readers - are you experienced?

a passionate Dom

2010-11-30T13:25:00.000Z

I noticed that a Dom who commented on a post a little while back described himself as a passionate Dom. I joked in an email exchange that I would steal the phrase from him!

On Beau I originally described myself as "a hopeless romantic". Then after a discussion with an online sub friend changed it to "a hopeful romantic". On this blog I described myself as "a kind Dom". It was intended as an apparent contradiction - to try to emphasise that the D part of D/s could be caring and affectionate. A sub who I met described me after an encounter as "a sensual Dom". I liked that very much and have quoted it often. But then the notion of "a passionate Dom" came up.

Yes - "a passionate Dom"!!!! That seemed to be something to aspire to.

However I came across a thread on a message board a little while ago where the writer bemoaned the fact as a female sub that she no long had passionate sex. That her partner as her Dom always had to be in control and therefore could not let himself go in the wild way needed to create a truly passionate encounter.

So I wonder - is she right? Is "a passionate Dom" even more of a contradiction than "a kind Dom"? What do readers think?

feeling needed

2010-11-24T19:50:00.002Z

An "ex" said to me a few days ago that she believed I had to feel needed. Unlike much else she said of me (it was a somewhat heated exchange!) I pondered on the possible truth of this. I wondered also if it was a Dom thing.

I do know that it is true that I enjoy affection - don't we all. It is quite lovely to have someone express strong affection for oneself, love even, but do I want to be needed? I wondered whether having someone need me is too much of a stress. It may not even involve the affection. Need is a very powerful thing - and trying to meet the expectations of such need could be very demanding.

However, is that part of what Domination and submission is about? That a sub needs the control of her Master which is the reason for her submission to him? There is something in that which frightens me a little though. I would rather it came from affection than need in that sense - where it was me personally that was needed as opposed to the control and other aspects of domination that I could give. Perhaps it is the personalisation of such need that I shirk away from.

But still I wonder if the desire for power that may be part of domination includes a desire to be needed. I would be interested in how other Doms and subs perceive this.

Beau's blog

2010-11-22T10:37:00.004Z

I have another blog which I write under the name of Beau. Many readers may have first known me there. It started as a bit of fun following from an earlier Beau blog which I closed. I used it for writing erotica and for some tongue in cheek playfulness with some online blogging friends.

My erotica then moved to the Dragonfly Geisha blog where I wrote as Takumi, Katashi and Beau but have not written there for well over a year. Beau's blog became a place where I mainly posted silly or erotic things I found on the web mostly with a BDSM slant. I do write very occasionally there or publish occasional photos of my own.

Recently I published a poem - Mannequin - by an online acquaintance. She was thrilled to be asked for permission to publish her poem and a photograph and I was very pleased to do so. It made me wonder if there may be other creative readers out there who might like to have a poem, photograph or some other creative work published there.

If you are interested please do get in touch.

"hugs heal"

2010-11-15T11:42:00.001Z

"Hugs heal." I read this on a message board recently in relation to a bereavement. Two people at least subscribed to the kind thought.

I am a firm believer in hugs - whether needed or not! They are definitely needed after (and sometimes before) a BDSM play session. A sub needs to know she is loved and cared for and a hug is a physical manifestation of friendship and care.

I like hugging friends, both male and female. There is nothing sexual in it. If there is then it turns into a cuddle, a caress which can lead delightfully to other things. That is fine but it is good to know a hug can be non-sexual. Just there to offer care and friendship and support. As such it can be very, very, very powerful.

But ...

Hugs don't heal ... though they can ease the pain.

Uncle Agony

2010-11-10T17:10:00.001Z

I have just published a new letter, "a virgin sub", on the Uncle Agony blog.

If you have any supportive comments to add there I am sure they will be welcomed.

Religious Spam

2010-11-08T21:11:00.000Z

I know other BDSM and D/s bloggers have at times been inundated with critical comments from a Christian perspective. I recently received a comment of this nature that was just spam. It all seemed very pointless. If anyone wants to engage in serious debate with me then I am prepared to listen and respond - within reason!

But this comment seemed to be very pointless. I include the content here - and my response:

Anonymous said...

1 John 1:9-10
9. If we confess our sins, he (God) is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

10. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him (God) a liar, and his (God*s) word is not in us.

Read the Holy Bible, praying to The Holy Spirit ((refer to John 14:26 in the Holy Bible)).***The Holy Bible is the ocean of
unlimited spiritual treasures; gifts; blessings; rights and privileges & unlimited spiritual inheritance of grace, righteousness, merits and rewards FOR FREE TO EVERYONE ***&&& EVERYONE! EARN AS MUCH AS, WISHES TO EARN.

http://4justice.org/

N.B. Please send this to ten or maximum people you can.

November 5, 2010 6:53 PM

Pygar said...

Hello Anonymous

I am not really sure how to respond to your comment. It is clearly spam - and intended to create more spam through asking others to pass it on.

Personally I am not religious though I know some of my readers are. There are issues that many with a strong religious faith - not just Christian but of a variety of faiths - may have with BDSM. However there are Christian and Muslim saints who have used flagellation to achieve religious experiences.

If you are unhappy with aspects of this site then please join in with relevant comments and we can have an intelligent discussion.

That is what this blog is all about.

xPx

PS Can I spank you?

November 5, 2010 9:42 PM

I would be interested in the views of readers.

humour

2010-11-01T11:58:00.001Z

Shouldn't it be fun?

Yes this is serious but perhaps it is not always to be taken too seriously.

I love to to smile and laugh and yes - to see a sub smile and laugh, as well as her expressions of agony and ecstasy.

I will never forget a certain sub giggling, gurgling and growling as I dripped hot wax all over her naked body ...

Do you too like to have fun ... or is it all too serious a matter for that?

active vs passive submission

2010-10-22T15:16:00.001+01:00

I was reminded of this by a recent post by David in A view from the Top. He wrote of exactly this issue here.

I was sure I had written about this before at least once. However when I looked back I could just find one post of mine that remained in draft, never having been published. It looks still unfinished. I wrote it in February 2008!!!! My thoughts then were:

"Many Dom's expect their subs to be passive. They should not use their initiative but wait to be told what to do. In extreme cases their lives can be micro-managed by their Dom. This can be useful in training situations to emphasise and embed the control of a Master or just as a helpful discipline on occasions. However for much of the time I prefer more active submission. Is it not the purpose of a sub to provide for the pleasure and happiness of their Master? Should they expect to have to be told before knowing that he would like a cup of tea, or to have her display herself gracefully or offer herself for a spanking just in case it should be necessary?"

In response to David's post on this subject I responded with the following:

"Thank you David. "Active vs passive submission." It is a hobby horse of mine. I thought I had written about it and on searching have discovered I did two years ago but it is still in draft! I am afraid I am often too long getting my brain into gear. As a Dom my own personal preference is for active submission. That is not to say that a sub should not be obedient and at times passive - but I am not so interested in that model. I do not want a doormat. I want an intelligent, bright, enthusiastic sub. Surely the role of a sub is to please her Master. Is that not active rather than passive? Perhaps I am just lazy but I do not always take my pleasure through ordering my sub around. Rather I would delight in her constantly searching for ways to please her Master. I have always tried to "train" my subs in that way. It can be difficult to do so. For many subs submission can be an easy way out. No longer do they have to think for themselves - their Master will decide. Submission should not be intellectually easy. A sub should be thoughtful and dedicated to the pleasure of her Master. I am sure she could delight herself in such activity and in doing so give great pleasure to her Master. Yes of course - there is a place for passivity. The Master will take control and direct. It is central to the dynamic. But subs should not neglect the active service in searching for ways to please their Master."

So what do my readers think?

Internal Enslavement

2010-10-18T10:30:00.000+01:00

I have just come across this concept recently by chance. There is a webpage here if you want to investigate it further. I don't think there is anything specifically new about it in the theme of D/s. It is just at one end of the notion of control and emphasises the psychological aspect.

I found a fetlife thread about it here. (Sorry non-members may not be able to see it all.)

However, this quote from it seems to sum it up well,

"Internal Enslavement is a particularly intense (OK, that's a controversial word, but I can't think of a better one, "extreme" sounds pretentious) version of the Master/slave/Owner/property dynamic where the Master/Owner uses conditioning techniques to sculpt and change the mind of the property. Some aims of the conditioning may be: Making it psychologically impossible for them to disobey or leave. Helping them to like things the didn't like before. Helping them to get over their psychological issues. Getting them to the point where they center their entire life unthinkingly around the master/owner. Changing all their reactions to "I'm doing this to please my master" to "I'm doing this because it's the way it should be done; was there ever any other way?"

Ideally this is all done in collusion with the slave - i.e. the slave understood and consented in the beginning, and thought that this conditioning was a Good Idea, and willingly went along with it. The process takes years and years; it's not quick and there is usually a long period in the beginning where the slave can bugger off if they change their minds. The conditioning has to be kept up, as the slave can slide out of it if nothing happens for years.

IE is Not For Everyone. It's waaay at the far end of the M/s/O/p dynamic spectrum. The slave has the rights that their owner grants them, and that's all. The owner holds the rights for the slave, because the slave has (after the IE is in place) has no recourse and can't leave unless the owner decides that they can. Again, it's Not For Everyone. Anyone who is made uncomfortable by the idea Should Not Be Doing This."

I suppose there are a number of 24/7 D/s lifestyle practices that are not for me and that I could have some concerns about. But this in particular somehow worries me a bit more.

Perhaps it is the "consensual" part. A sub would enter into this in a consensual way - wanting to be moulded in this way to be a better sub. In that way it is no different from any other D/s model of "slavery". Except for one thing. In any other model a slave in our modern society could tear up her slave contract and walk out having exacted whatever retribution she felt appropriate! (Ouch!!!)

But the whole point of IE seems to be to develop the control in a specifically psychological way. It is conditioning or brain-washing.

Most D/s relationships include development and discovery of finding deeper aspects of submission and domination. There is a journey that many wish to travel together and explore. However that seems different from one person messing with the mind of another in quite a deliberate way to control her. We are messing with each others minds in close relationships all the time - mostly unintentionally.

But perhaps it is just me being too queasy about people wanting to develop a real and true vision of slavery in modern society ...

I'm still queasy about it though.

sadism, masochism and sensuality - revisited

2010-10-11T17:16:00.000+01:00

A little while ago I posted a discussion about this as a result of an interesting email I had received. I wrote about it here and also on Uncle Agony here. The comments are also relevant.

I have found this an interesting discussion and was pleased when S wrote at length in response as a blog post here. I wrote my response to S there as a comment.

I will summarise some of the issues here from my point of view but would urge you to read the full text on S's blog. She may see it from a very different perspective.

I think I am having difficulty with the distinction between sensuality and sexuality. When does a sensual pleasure become a sexual pleasure? I believe that some of the things S seeks I would describe as sensual pleasures. Yet she needs to ensure they are not sexual pleasures to maintain her commitment to someone very close to her. I know others who have struggled in this way.

So how can it be resolved?

Is S right - that she can have a close D/s and BDSM relationship without threatening her primary relationship as long as this new relationship is non-sexual? Am I right that such a relationship is as close as a sexual relationship?

Are we both right? Are we both wrong ...

... or perhaps somewhere in between!!!!

Do tell us what you think - either here or on Mind / Body / Spirit

new to submission

2010-10-07T20:42:00.002+01:00

t wrote here to Uncle Agony. She is becoming aware for the first time of her submissive nature and desires ... trying to come to terms with them alongside her day to day personality and wondering where next.

I wonder how many readers can think back to when they were trying to come to terms with realisations of their submissive needs and desires and how to meet them? How difficult was it? Was it a shock? Were you frightened or confused? How did you come to terms with accepting the new you? How did those closest to you?

spanking and depression

2010-10-01T14:31:00.002+01:00

I have written about depression and submission before here.

However I have received an email about spanking and depression which I have published on the Uncle Agony blog here. I hope some of you may visit and add helpful comments.

However it got me thinking about another aspect. I wondered if the act of receiving a spanking - or even a different kind of beating or serious BDSM pain - could act as an antidote to depression? Can the endorphins released in such activities act relieve depression? Is it better than prescription medication? Does the closeness inherrent in such activity provide an effective emotional support that can help alleviate depression?

I would be interested in the views of subs and Doms about this.

Is sensuality too vanilla?

2010-09-27T12:31:00.000+01:00

I suppose this is linked to my last post but was inspired from a different place. I was commenting on another blog - forgive me I have lost the link now even though it is a rare activity for me! The blogger seemed to have lost her desire for sex though she still craved BDSM activity. Her use of rubber and latex seemed to be almost as much a barrier to prevent skin to skin contact as a sensual fabric in its own right.

In my comment I mentioned the delight of sensual erotic massage. She responded that she did not enjoy that as it was "too vanilla".

I see sensuality as a continuum across BDSM, fetish and vanilla and am happy to embrace all of its aspects. Though what about my readers? Do you find some sensual activity too vanilla to be fun? And where does one draw the line? If I tied her up before the erotic massage would that make it okay?

sadism, masochism and sensuality

2010-09-16T22:23:00.000+01:00

Uncle Agony recently received an email asking for advice. The question is published here so please do comment there if you have any thoughts.

It got me thinking though about sadism, masochism and sensuality. I read a post on a message board recently that was arguing strongly that if you were into BDSM activity it should not matter whether your partner was male or female whether you were top or bottom. It argued that BDSM was about control, D/s and the administration of pain; that sex or sensuality was something completely different to be kept apart.

S, who has written to Uncle Agony would have some sympathy with this in their own case. S is not interested in sex, sensuality or fetish in this context - but finds that it seems to be inextricably linked in most places, perhaps especially the fetish aspect. I have tried to reassure S that there are many who share these feelings. It got me to wondering whether that was the definition of a sadist or masochist. It could be just the pleasure in administering or receiving pain with no regard for relationship, feelings, sensuality or sex. In such cases if it was just the administration or receipt of pain that was important. It would not matter much who the partner was as long as issues of safety had been taken into account.

I confess for myself I find that difficult but am struggling to accept it. I know someone who I care about was beaten recently by someone who describes himself as a sadist. She enjoyed it very much. If it had been me I would have beaten her with love and consideration for how the scene was going for her. But perhaps she and others wish to remove such activity from the realm of affection and personal relationships.

For me sensuality is inextricably linked with BDSM play. It is what makes it so delicious. But it would be a boring world if we all had the same needs and desires.

Links

2010-09-14T21:32:00.002+01:00

I am very aware that my links list is out of date - there are many that are no longer active. Whereas there are other people who comment regularly on here and yet more who link to me who I have not linked to. I would like to link back to friends.

I will try to rectify this soon. So do let me know if you would like a link from me. To help does anyone know of a simple Blogger gadget I can use which will identify blogs that link here? Or any other suggestions?!?!

absent ...

2010-08-30T13:11:00.000+01:00

I'm away for a few weeks but will be back here on my return. In the meantime do feel free to look at earlier posts and comment. I love reading all you have to say.

subdrop

2010-08-23T13:02:00.000+01:00

Ok - I don't understand it properly. I'm a man and a Dom. I've not experienced it.

Trying to intellectualise it I guess there are different components. One may be almost chemical. The endorphins flooding the body during a session suddenly taken away at the end of it - perhaps causing a withdrawal affect like coming off drugs. Another perhaps emotional. That closeness, trust, use, care, physical contact also withdrawn. A physical reaction too. The body responding to punishment - trying to shut down unessential functions to concentrate on recovery and also to cope with pain. Perhaps also a psychological response. The contradiction between loving care and the administration of pain. How does the mind respond to such contradictions in trying to come to terms with them?

But I've never experienced it. I've never seen it as it happens. I've had it described to me - as if I do understand it.

But I don't.

So ...

... okay subs. Have I got it right? How is it for you?

force

2010-08-16T15:29:00.000+01:00

brooke wrote an interesting blog post recently that discussed submission and force.

It got me thinking about Dom's "forcing" their subs into activities. brooke found it exciting at first with her previous owner. She thought of submission as submitting to his will and liked being made to do things that she felt uncomfortable with.

Now though she has a new Master who does not "force" her. She is still doing the same kind of things but no longer "forced".

(I do hope I have got that right brooke?)

It seems to me as if her new relationship is on a different level and that she has a relationship with her Master where she may end up doing things even more extreme - without having to be "forced" because the relationship is right and the trust is there.

I wonder if a sub should ever be "forced", especially if it is crossing a limit. With a Master who one trusts perhaps one can be led gently over a limit without even realising it has happened.

I can remember once in a session with a sub friend I was fingering her. She had on her profile that fisting was a hard limit. That was because a master had tried to do it with her but failed. He told her that she just had to accept the pain. She couldn't so it became a hard limit.

I had four fingers and a thumb inside her. I had been gentle. We were very close to fisting. She was surprised afterwards when I told her how close we were to her hard limit.

So surely domination is not about force but about leadership and supportive control, understanding the needs and fears of ones sub - taking responsibility oneself rather than putting it onto them.

Surely one should never "force" a sub to cross a limit. But to lead them gently across it before they have even noticed ...

... what a delight.

decisions

2010-08-09T15:36:00.000+01:00

"What do you want to do today?"

It is a reasonable question is it not?

"Whatever you wish to do Sir," I suppose is a reasonable answer for some. It is showing dereference to the Master for him to decide. Many subs also do not want to decide. That is why they have taken the submissive role - so that they do not have to make decisions. It releases them from the stress of the decision making process. They value the strength of their Master in being the one to take decisions for them.

"What do you want to do today?"

I think it is a reasonable question and demands a proper answer. It may be that in all truth the sub has no particular view on it and can say so.

It may genuinely be that she desires the pleasure of her Master and wants to do whatever will give him pleasure. But he did ask what she wanted to do. It may be that it will give him pleasure to know they are doing something that his sub will enjoy and not doing something that is boring her or is distasteful to her. He may need the information to enable him to make the final decision about what they do today.

"What do you want to do today?"

So I think the question deserves a truthful answer after which the Master can decide what they will do.

But it has got me wondering in general about decision making and whether it is always in a sub's best interests to be let off the hook as it were in decision making. One of the delights for a Dom in such a relationship is often the level of control - that he makes the decisions. Subs do delight in the reverse, in being controlled and having decisions made for them. But are there not times in the real world - and in the D/s part of it too - where it is right for a Dom to expect his sub to make decisions?

mutual masturbation

2010-08-02T23:16:00.004+01:00

A friend on a bdsm contact site recently removed "mutual masturbation" from her list of fetishes.

When I was talking with a different sub friend recently she talked of how personal it could be. She was talking not of masturbating each other but for each alongside to masturbate together. She described it as such a private act that for each to do it together, sharing it - it became a very personal and intense activity.

I'm not sure I want to masturbate alongside her ... but it made me think what fun it would be to have her masturbate constantly while I played with her. To have her perform that very special, personal act just for me. Of course done insensitively it could be a disaster. But if the dynamic was right ... ?

We may never meet again - but having thought of this then perhaps I should try to ensure we do meet again!

pleading prettily

2010-07-20T15:44:00.002+01:00

I was reminded about this today through an online conversation with a sub friend. It is a phrase I have used occasionally with subs in an almost a joking way. Though I have had some difficulty I must admit in getting previous subs of mine to plead as prettily as I would wish. Either I have far too high standards or have had subs of an inferior quality! (That is intended as a joke. I am still fond of all of the women who have submitted to me and they have my genuine respect.)

I can imagine some Doms not liking pleas from their subs. Perhaps it could seem to some like whining. (I certainly do not like that.) Others may see it as topping from the bottom. However I want to know the needs and desires of my sub. If she has in mind something she would enjoy and wants to try to persuade me then it could be that I may find I enjoy it too.

Also if the pleading becomes very persuasive in delightfully sensual and erotic ways then why should I complain? I have always said that submission should be active rather than passive.

So my dear subs ... you now know how to get round me - as long as you plead prettily enough!

love and affection

2010-07-09T14:17:00.004+01:00

I have just posted a new query on Uncle Agony. If you have any thoughts please do add a comment there.

It got me thinking about the emotional intensity of D/s relationships. In my own experience even online relationships can become very intense very quickly.

Rather than Doms having no feelings for their subs and an inability to love as has been suggested there, I find the opposite. There is something so very special about the act of submission. There is a great power in that precious gift such that I then feel a need to nurture and care for the sub who has given herself to me so fully. It is a huge responsibility and surely cannot be carried out properly without affection, care, trust, respect ... and yes, love.

I cannot imagine not feeling some love for a woman who gave herself to me so totally.

sixty

2010-07-08T19:22:00.004+01:00

Thank you to all those who commented on the post below and to those who wrote to me. I will add a response very soon.

But hay!!! I'm sixty!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

Lets look forward positively.

So I guess for now I am not retiring and not making any major life changing decisions just yet. Though I guess if not "retired" I am at least "resting" - having no close sub friend to play with just at the moment. Though when I do perhaps I will reverse the normal birthday etiquette and give her sixty birthday spanks rather than the other way around. I am imagining the delightful eroticism of the occasion as I speak just in case there were any volunteers ...

No?

Oh well!

Lots more here soon.

changes

2010-06-25T17:50:00.000+01:00

I hope I am not upsetting too many of my readers when I own up to the picture of Pygar at the head of this blog not being me. The Picture is of John Phillip Law in the film Barbarella.

I am much older than he was in that photograph. Though with age one gathers experience and expertise. Together with a little kindness and sense of perspective it has helped me be fortunate on a few occasions to have received similar kindness from some wonderful female friends.

I was faithful to my wife for over 27 years. For reasons I still do not fully understand I decided soon after turning fifty to have my mid-life crisis before it got too late. Since then I have had some wonderful experiences and relationships that have enriched my life. The gifts of submission I have received have been dauntingly humbling. There have been sensual pleasures and delights I had hardly dreamed of. One relationship in particular is burned on my heart and soul forever.

At the start of this I imagined that ten years on it might be time to stop. That when I reached sixty it might be time to return to the quieter, more insular existence I had before.

I will be sixty in a few weeks.

But I am still reasonably fit and active and kind friends say I still look much younger. There are a surprising number of young (to me!) women who like older men. So ...

Part of me wonders if I should just let my new and secret life continue to develop or should I "retire" from my salacious activities or ...

... or should I go for a more major change in my life? A completely new direction throwing the whole of myself into it rather than it being at the fringes of my existence?

As a beautiful female friend used to say to me often:

life is for living

Uncle Agony

2010-06-21T19:35:00.002+01:00

The Uncle Agony blog still continues. It is a space where readers can share questions and offer solutions.

Recently a commenter to this blog asked "... as a newbie sub, I would appreciate any advice you could give as to how to avoid the abusers...especially when the starting point is meeting online?"

I have published it as a question on Uncle Agony. Do please feel to offer your own perspectives and advice.

caned

2010-06-17T16:48:00.000+01:00

She had not been caned for two years. Her previous parter had turned out to be a sadistic abuser and had caused her harm. But she wanted to experience being caned again.

I felt honoured that she trusted me as a "real Dom" to administer it. They were her words rather than mine! I would not presume to describe myself in such a way.

I sent her to fetch the cane and started counting slowly. I got to twenty three before she returned with the cane. We spent a couple of hours in a variety of play activities before we came back to the cane. She was a little concerned. She had lost weight over the last couple of years. Less "padding" on her bottom! We played a little with the cane - tapping her playfully as she gave me oral before I laid her on her front on the bed and started again just administering gentle taps with an occasional firmer stroke. Then I told her I would administer 23 strokes to match the count of the time for her to find the cane. After each stroke she would count and ask for a harder stroke or a softer stroke or for me to stop. She asked if she could ask for a stroke that was the same strength and I agreed.

I started with a light stroke. I expected her to ask for a harder stroke to please me. She asked for another the same. Each time she asked for another the same. They were gentle strokes but enough to mark her sensitive bottom. I perhaps increased the strength of the blows a little but not much.

When we got to 23 she did not ask for more. I asked if she would take two more to make it 25 strokes. She was unsure at first then agreed.

I asked if she wanted them quickly together to get them over with or one at a time. She asked me to decide. I gave her two quickly then stroked her bottom, took her into my arms and held her.

But she was eager to get up, to see the marks, to have them photographed!

She seemed thrilled with her achievement. It was a delight to see.

But if there is a next time I will suggest harder strokes or more strokes ...

... or both!

avoiding abusive Doms

2010-06-14T20:38:00.003+01:00

An online friend left her husband because she came to realise that she was not in a D/s relationship but in an abusive relationship. She said that reading this blog had helped her come to realise the truth. That gave me some concerns about the power of words written here over a glass of wine.

But things seemed to work out well. There were of course teething troubles but she had found her life again and relished it.

It was not long before she found another Dom and fell in love. It all seemed to be going fine until ...

Well - until it became apparent that her new Dom friend was not all he seemed. He was telling lies, had a number of subs who were all the "special one".

There were further complications from both these men of psychological control and abuse. It saens and angers me that there are men out there who pretend to be Doms but who are just manipulative abusers. A true Dom would recognise the precious gift of submission, cherish it and love and care for his sub.

But how does a sub distinguish the true Dom from the abuser? I know many who have struggled with this problem and been hurt. The trouble is that many "Doms" are not aware of the distinction between domination and abuse.

fakes ...

2010-05-12T14:52:00.002+01:00

I occasionally visit the CollarMe.Com site. I'm not sure why as I've mostly found it to be a complete waste of time but it can become strangely addictive. It is notorious for having lots of scams on it and also as being a bit of a "meat market". I know of some who have been hurt by people met there but of others who made real friendships. I have made one or two friends through it in the past.

At the weekend I had far too much time on my hands and found myself responding to profiles. I exchanged a few messages with one sub who was far too young and beautiful to really be interested in me.

Finally I received the following message:
"Hiya. Its a fake profile to attract idiots and scammers. Doing it for a giggle an getting loads of 'KNEEL BITCH U R MINE!!!' messages... You sound sensible so sorry, please ignore the profile X I have been active in the scene for nine years, know the ropes in and out and am a pro domme. Take care.X"

C'est la vie I suppose!

I wonder what experience readers have had of this and similar contact sites?

a comment from a Dom

2010-04-30T13:10:00.002+01:00

I received this comment from an anonymous Dom recently to my earlier post about "training and conditioning". I am posting it here as I think it deserves a wider audience.

I just found your blog, it is very intresting and well writen, I will spend more time here in the future!

I would like to throw in my 2 cents, I am a Dom in a relationship with a long time sub.

I used to have two subs, and I learned a valuable lesson with regards to "educating" (as I prefure that word) When you take power away from a sub completely it doe snothing but make the relationship boring and predictable, when you train a sub to only take pleasure on command or with you alone you strip them of something that makes them exciting, especailly if your relationship involves other people, why would I want to watch my sub take no pleasure at all with another person, what type of power would I get from that, not healthy power.. that's for sure.

I used to treat subs as "objects" etc, and found that failed. Not only did it fail for my sub in her confidence and charisma, it failed for me becuase she failed to be charismatic and became an automation. She has since left and is now happy and I am happy for that.

It helped me learn that lesson, my second sub who stayed with me, I still require her to bow in submission to me and state a daily mantra that stats she is an object in the mantra, BUT, I make sure to never treat her as such, I see it as a "symbolic" submission of her own self to my power with out actually mentally doing it, as I treat her as a person who serves me, not an object that I use as a tool.

Education of my subs for me involves having her self dress as I like, have her hair as i like, etc, things that do not permently alter her for life (A sub may choose to take on my mark as a tattoo upon her but that is somthing that must be earned so it is not taken lightly)

The only sexual education I enforce on my subs is I train them to orgasm as quickly as possible until they become cluster orgasms, as I greatly enjoy watching them almost pass out from immense pleasure. I train them riguriously to orgasm as quickly as possible as many times as possible, but I have never had a complain about that particular training 8*laughs*

As always being Dom or sub is an evolution, I have come along way, and I enjoy reading other sub's opinions to further my evolution, as the sub is the one giving me the honour of service, it is my job to deserve that honour.

A Kind Dom

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