sub drop

'Sub drop' is a term that is often used for the coming down a sub feels after an intense scene.

Thoughtful Doms will spend time at the end of a scene to help a sub get back to normality, to come round from what has taken place, to feel secure and cared for. Sometimes this can be a physical reaction and sometimes a psychological or emotional reaction. It can be akin to depression or sometimes is just physical shock.

It can also be delayed - not happening immediately but striking unexpectedly a little while later.

Uncle Agony had an email about this before Christmas. Because I was very tied up in personal problems of my own and with the busy activities in the run up to the holiday season I am afraid my responses were perhaps not as full as they could have been. I am publishing the email exchange on Uncle Agony here.

If you feel able to offer help and support from your own knowledge or experience I would be grateful if you could add a comment there.

Thanks.

on being a sadist

I have often baulked at the idea of being a sadist.

I don't think of myself as a sadist. Outside of a BDSM context I am a kind and gentle person and would not wish anyone harm. On the contrary I feel strongly about issues to do with people who are harmed by others.

Of course I wish no harm to anyone - especially to someone I love and care for. I suppose I see sadism as something that sets out to cause harm. That is surely not me.

But to cause hurt rather than harm. Again I would not deliberately hurt anyone outside of a D/s relationship. Within that relationship it is only as part of control and as a response to a masochistic desires that I cause pain.

In that context though ...

... well all right. I admit it. I like causing pain. It arouses me. It arouses me when my sub asks me to cause her pain. I get pleasure when I see that talking of giving her pain arouses her. I love the connection of pain and arousal. I love searching for the connection between pain and pleasure. I love exploring all these things with my submissive woman and learning more about each other and our desires.

Before, after and alongside the giving of pain though, I give reassurance and caresses and kisses and pleasure.

She says I am a kind sadist.

Are you a sadist? Is your Master a sadist? Is kindness or an equivalent a necessary part of this for you?

Why?

Why?

Why do we do this?

Why do I like spanking her, caning her, tying her, pinching her?

Why?

Why does she like me spanking her, caning her, tying her, pinching her?

Why?

Why do you do it?

Why?

The New Year

This is not about resolutions but about new directions perhaps.

The end of the last year was full of changes for me. A new relationship with a very special woman and consequent changes to a relationship of over forty years. I started developing my writing and photography in new and exciting directions with my new partner. There is so much potential for 2013.

I plan to continue to write here and on Beau's blog. I have also other commitments of caring for a number of family members. Life will not be easy but I intend it to be creative and fulfilling. I have many friends and acquaintances here - please forgive me if I have been remiss in failing to respond to emails. I value all the kindnesses I have been shown by online friends. I will try harder this year but may fail once again.

I have two important emails from new contacts to reply to about serious bdsm issues. You may get to join in on Uncle Agony. Please feel free to write in with your own issues. I may not have many answers but there is a wealth of knowledge, support and friendship amongst my readers who make this blog worth reading.

Thank you all.

Join me on an exciting journey in 2013.

Seasonal Greetings

I am afraid life is very hectic at the momentbut normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

In the meantime I would like to wish the compliments of the season to all my readers. Wishing peace and joy to you all.

Beau will no doubt be publishing something slightly more salacious!

a final post on tears

I hadn't planned to write any more about this. However I just wanted to discuss the really interesting comments that were made to my last post, "what makes you cry?"

First - many thanks to themonkeysjourney, Collared Cassaundra, nbs, Hisprecious slave. Monica, Jen, LizLeia, and  original_me, They have written very personal accounts of what makes them cry that are very distinct. Each is fascinating in its own way. (Though girl with red nipples is receiving regular spankings for her comment. "Mushy Dom" indeed!!! Well - she is just receiving regular spankings anyway! Such fun.)

It was interesting to read how the ability to shed tears could change over time - or how different types of tears might be shed at different parts of one's life.

Such a variety of things caused tears - overwhelming feelings, gratitude, vulnerability, the hardness of life, the past, sadness and happiness, pain, internal conflict, movies and other media, love, failure, fear, trauma, gratitude, cruelty to and the suffering of others and animals, failing others, incomprehension, inability to deal with emotions, loss and grief, praise and affection, stories and so much more

Some talked of shedding tears for others rather than for themselves.

Crying could be satisfying, cathartic, with feelings of release and exhaustion  There was even the possibility of addiction to tears

Though for another crying invoked feelings of a mixture of "failure and fear" 

Trust in a Master often provided the safety of a good relationship in which tears could be shed.

One though talked very honestly of using crying as a manipulative tool. The aim was to get something rather than to express something. I wonder how many others may have used tears in this way and whether it can then almost become unconscious in its use.

It was of course all far more complicated than this - so please do try to read through the originals if you have time. Many are very moving.

what makes you cry?

We have talked a lot about tears - but what makes you cry?

Is it physical things? Humiliating things? Hurtful things? Criticism? Lack of power and influence? Failure? Relationship problems?

A friend once said she could not cry for herself. She would cry for others. She would shed tears at the thought of the suffering of those she would never meet. But she could not cry for herself and her own suffering, past and present. She wanted to cry because there was such intense hurt deep inside her. She asked me to beat her to tears. I knew though that I was not strong enough and did not attempt it. In the end though I saw her shed a tear through my kindness. Kindness can be very powerful.

It is something that often can bring me to tears - the kindness of strangers.

So what brings tears to your eyes?

an award!!!!!!

Monkey has very kindly nominated me (and Beau!) for a Liebster award. Now I'm not sure exactly what a Liebster award is but it was very good of her. She has written some very kind words about this blog and my other blog written as Beau here.

In fact she says she prefers the blog I write as Beau. That is very encouraging as I was planning to try to get it going again. I have a few posts ready to upload there so do pop in now and again.

I'm afraid I'm not very food at all teh question and answer part of these awards so I'll leave that to Beau.

Again monkey - thank you very much and good luck on your journey.

more about tears ...

LizLeia just published a kind comment on my previous post about "tears" here.

She discovered the post while researching why men find tears a sign of weakness and found it refreshing that Doms could talk of weeping and showing emotion openly. So she has presented us with the following question:

"A question to Pygar and the other Doms: what does your sub do that allows you to feel so free to express this? Question for the subs: How do you feel when your Dom cries in front of you? Thanks!"

 I will be interested to read the answers too!

at the moment ...

... I'm still in the middle of major changes to my life.

So forgive me if I am not here often. I have only occasional internet access while I am in transition. I will respond to recent comments as soon as I can. Thank you for them.

In the meantime you might be interested in this email which I recently received from The Institute of Arts and Ideas.

Dear Pygar,

I think you might be interested in a new video that's just been released, Venus in Furs. It's a discussion of BDSM relationships and pornography, and looking at some of the moral and cultural concerns that some people have with them. It's a pretty interesting and frank discussion, so I hope you enjoy it, and consider sharing a link with your readers.

Thanks very much,
Dominic Preston

It is basically a video of a very interesting discussion about bdsm and sexuality. It considers many of the ethical issues that we have discussed here and others. I hope you might find it interesting. Do let me know what you think.

Venus in Furs

changes ...

There are some major upheavals in my life at the moment. No doubt the fall-out may last some time. However in time I hope it will all be for the good - for everyone involved.

No doubt I will be blogging about it here soon!

Wish me luck.

within and without

When I know she is fully committed and is feeling secure in our relationship then I can order her to do anything, control her totally, dismiss her complaints as mere whining and berate her for her behaviour. It is what she needs.

However when she is doubting, genuinely needing more than I can give and expresses this - then at times she still may need berating and controlling - just be told how it has to be. However, I find that harder to balance. If she is not totally happy in giving herself to me then I cannot use her.

There is a danger then of a downward spiral where I am not giving her what she needs, so she doubts more so then I am even less able to meet her needs.

We need to build on an upward spiral again.

I wonder if other couples go through such times?

a comment on self harm and BDSM

I wrote about this below and had some very interesting and informative replies. Many of them were from personal experience.

melinda Sweetgirl has just commented on the post. For those of you who may have missed it - I think it deserves a read. You can find it here.

tears

Maryann Lovejoy suggested spanking a partner to tears in a comment to a post on Uncle Agony. (Do read the full comment in context here.)

I remember writing a story about this for a friend a long time ago. (I must hunt it out.) She had often said she wanted to be spanked to tears. She had so much grief and distress welling up inside her but could not let it out. She could only cry for others but not for herself.

So she wanted to be spanked or beaten until she cried.

I am not sure I would have been strong enough. I know I did not try. Though in the end I brought her to tears through kindness instead.

I am lucky in having a woman now who is mine. I can do what I want with her. I can spank her and beat her as hard as I want. I am not sure though that I could spank her to tears. She is very strong. I am not sure what purpose spanking her to tears would serve and I feel it could be cruelty. I will discuss it with her.

I know for some that tears can be a great catharsis. They can help one feel better and move on.

I have cried in front of my submissive woman but I am not sure she has cried in front of me.

It can be a strength to cry.

To be happy to shed tears in front of another can show trust and be a sign of ones closeness.

Do you cry? For some it is too easy, for others too hard. Have you been beaten to tears? Would you like to be?

Or ... do you beat your sub to tears? How do you both feel about that?

wild cat at Uncle Agony

I received an email recently from wild cat for inclusion on the Uncle Agony blog. It is an interesting question as it combines together a few different issues that others have raised. I hope you might have time to have a look and add a comment.

You will find the email and my response here.