Ok - I don't understand it properly. I'm a man and a Dom. I've not experienced it.
Trying to intellectualise it I guess there are different components. One may be almost chemical. The endorphins flooding the body during a session suddenly taken away at the end of it - perhaps causing a withdrawal affect like coming off drugs. Another perhaps emotional. That closeness, trust, use, care, physical contact also withdrawn. A physical reaction too. The body responding to punishment - trying to shut down unessential functions to concentrate on recovery and also to cope with pain. Perhaps also a psychological response. The contradiction between loving care and the administration of pain. How does the mind respond to such contradictions in trying to come to terms with them?
But I've never experienced it. I've never seen it as it happens. I've had it described to me - as if I do understand it.
But I don't.
... okay subs. Have I got it right? How is it for you?
brooke wrote an interesting blog post recently that discussed submission and force.
It got me thinking about Dom's "forcing" their subs into activities. brooke found it exciting at first with her previous owner. She thought of submission as submitting to his will and liked being made to do things that she felt uncomfortable with.
Now though she has a new Master who does not "force" her. She is still doing the same kind of things but no longer "forced".
(I do hope I have got that right brooke?)
It seems to me as if her new relationship is on a different level and that she has a relationship with her Master where she may end up doing things even more extreme - without having to be "forced" because the relationship is right and the trust is there.
I wonder if a sub should ever be "forced", especially if it is crossing a limit. With a Master who one trusts perhaps one can be led gently over a limit without even realising it has happened.
I can remember once in a session with a sub friend I was fingering her. She had on her profile that fisting was a hard limit. That was because a master had tried to do it with her but failed. He told her that she just had to accept the pain. She couldn't so it became a hard limit.
I had four fingers and a thumb inside her. I had been gentle. We were very close to fisting. She was surprised afterwards when I told her how close we were to her hard limit.
So surely domination is not about force but about leadership and supportive control, understanding the needs and fears of ones sub - taking responsibility oneself rather than putting it onto them.
Surely one should never "force" a sub to cross a limit. But to lead them gently across it before they have even noticed ...
"Whatever you wish to do Sir," I suppose is a reasonable answer for some. It is showing dereference to the Master for him to decide. Many subs also do not want to decide. That is why they have taken the submissive role - so that they do not have to make decisions. It releases them from the stress of the decision making process. They value the strength of their Master in being the one to take decisions for them.
"What do you want to do today?"
I think it is a reasonable question and demands a proper answer. It may be that in all truth the sub has no particular view on it and can say so.
It may genuinely be that she desires the pleasure of her Master and wants to do whatever will give him pleasure. But he did ask what she wanted to do. It may be that it will give him pleasure to know they are doing something that his sub will enjoy and not doing something that is boring her or is distasteful to her. He may need the information to enable him to make the final decision about what they do today.
"What do you want to do today?"
So I think the question deserves a truthful answer after which the Master can decide what they will do.
But it has got me wondering in general about decision making and whether it is always in a sub's best interests to be let off the hook as it were in decision making. One of the delights for a Dom in such a relationship is often the level of control - that he makes the decisions. Subs do delight in the reverse, in being controlled and having decisions made for them. But are there not times in the real world - and in the D/s part of it too - where it is right for a Dom to expect his sub to make decisions?
A friend on a bdsm contact site recently removed "mutual masturbation" from her list of fetishes.
When I was talking with a different sub friend recently she talked of how personal it could be. She was talking not of masturbating each other but for each alongside to masturbate together. She described it as such a private act that for each to do it together, sharing it - it became a very personal and intense activity.
I'm not sure I want to masturbate alongside her ... but it made me think what fun it would be to have her masturbate constantly while I played with her. To have her perform that very special, personal act just for me. Of course done insensitively it could be a disaster. But if the dynamic was right ... ?
We may never meet again - but having thought of this then perhaps I should try to ensure we do meet again!
A Dom who feels he doesn't fit into the mould of "Dom-ness" trying to explore his own nature and feelings and some thoughts about D/s.
Pygar was not a Dom. He was an angel. He was also blind. But he did get to shag Jane Fonda!
Mary emailed me again recently. Things seem to be going very well for her
but she has a problem. I'll let her explain:
I have a question that you and perha...
2 weeks ago
Me elsewhere ...
As well as Uncle Agony I do have another blog which I publish occasionally as Beau. It is intended as more light hearted and not to be taken too seriously though I used also to write occasional erotica there.
There is also some of my erotica published on Dragonfly Geisha under the names of Beau, Takumi and Katashi.