Thursday, 20 October 2016

on breaking trust...

"i've learned that trust is like glass. once broken, no matter how you put it back together, you can still see the cracks"

I came across this quote by chance on Twitter. It had been retweeted by someone who had liked one of my tweets. She seemed to be going through a relationship break up and no doubt these words had a resonance for her.

It made me reflect on the fact that I and others often reflect in discussions here on how important trust is in a BDSM relationship. It is central to all BDSM relationships. It is perhaps essential in certain play situations and in giving someone complete control.

We are though all human. Sometimes things go wrong. We make mistakes. Sometimes we can do things we later regret. Sometimes this could have an impact on trust. If one begins to have even a doubt in relation to trust what impact might this have on a BDSM or D/s relationship?

If you have ever had your trust shaken in someone have you been able to rescue the relationship?

In a BDSM or D/s relationship if trust is once broken will the cracks always be visible or can it be completely repaired. Is it possible to continue a D/s or BDSM relationship when the cracks are still visible? Is there always doubt after trust has been shaken? Is that always the end... ?

I wonder if any readers would be prepared to share their personal experiences of this and how it was resolved?

Thursday, 13 October 2016

on receiving pleasure...

In the last post here I pondered on whether it was the role of a sub to seek out ways of pleasing their Dom or rather focus on making themselves available for the Dom to take their pleasure. A sub friend wrote to say she had found the answers in her head bouncing from one side to the other. She ended with wondering how I would have answered - from the Dom's perspective.

So here is my own view on this. However this is clearly only what I would like. Each Dom will have their own preferences - which may even be different with different submissives depending on their nature and their special skills! I may also not be at all typical.

I do like a sub to be active in seeking to please me. I hesitate to use the word "just" after Jz's great comment to the previous post. However just being available, without any active intent, I find too passive. I like strong women. Strong women don't wait to be told what to do. They seek out ways of pleasing. Their strength may occasionally need subduing. I don't seek that, as perhaps some Dom's do, but I recognise it as part of the package. And perhaps that subduing can also be made into fun for both.

Yes, as Jz implied, a sub's efforts to please a Dom may be influenced by what gives them pleasure. However I have no problem with that. I have no fear of "topping from the bottom". If that becomes an issue it soon becomes apparent and can be addressed. I want my submissive to gain pleasure. If she can gain pleasure in pleasing me then the more she will want to continue giving me pleasure. Surely that is a win-win scenario. I think any caring Dom wants their sub to be happy and fulfilled and yes, that will surely include ensuring that she gains pleasure too - though in some contexts that may be through pain!

I found Dani's comment very special when she wrote "If I have a choice, I'd rather give pleasure than receive it any day but whatever my Dom wants I'm open to explore."

I am sure any Dom would welcome that attitude and approach in their submissive. What more could one want? Though I do like my subs to be open to receiving pleasure and not feel guilty about it. If I want to give them pleasure then I will give them pleasure. I gain pleasure from that too - especially in determining the amount and intensity of that pleasure.

I think too that Dani's final sentence should apply equally to dominants and submissives,

"If you care about someone and are intimate with them their happiness and pleasure should be a focus I'd think."

Thursday, 6 October 2016

on giving pleasure...

If you are a submissive, do you like to please? Is that not what you are for?

Do you go out of your way to please? Do you constantly think of ways to please your dominant? Are you imaginative in seeking out new ways to give pleasure?

Or are you just there, available, for your  dominant to take their pleasure whenever, however, they want?

Thursday, 29 September 2016

how to please a sadist... ?

I recently had a new comment to an old post about sadism. You can read the thread here.

In the comment Anonymous asked, "Is there any advice on how to please Master when He isn't hurting me?"

There will be lots of ways sumissives find to please their Master. Perhaps any or all of these would suffice. However I wonder if readers have any specific suggestions for ways a masochist could please her sadistic Master...

Thursday, 22 September 2016

Tell me a secret...

Go on.


I won't tell anyone.

I promise.

Do you have a secret sign to celebrate your dominance or submission that is private between the two of you? Something that only you would understand the significance of? For instance a tattoo, or a piece of jewellery. For example I have known subs who wear a certain necklace or choker as a symbol of a collar, a special ring, a charm on a chain that is a lock. Or perhaps it is something hidden beneath clothes.

Do tell...

Thursday, 15 September 2016


Often discussions on this blog, including some recent ones, seem almost to predispose a loving D/s relationship as being key. I know I often talk about trust and communication as being so important. Also central seems to be an empathy and care for the needs of another. This has often seemed to imply a loving relationship and many commenters are fortunate in having such a relationship within which they can explore their needs safely.

But surely a "loving relationship" isn't really necessary. I have played with friends successfully where we were "just good friends". Yes, trust and understanding have to be built up, but not necessarily love.

It would be unusual nowadays to presume love before a sexual relationship started so is it not just the same for a BDSM or D/s relationship? Cannot BDSM buddies exist in the same way as sex buddies? Perhaps I am stating the obvious but it has recently struck me that some of my discussions on here seemed to imply love as part of what made D/s possible in a serious context. Surely that is not the case?

Or is it that the aftercare needed following an extreme session needs truly loving care? Does love make so much more possible? Is it possible to have a 24/7 non-abusive relationship that is not loving?

Ae you in love with your Dom or your sub? Does it matter?

Wednesday, 7 September 2016


In a comment to my previous post humiliation, needs and likesLea wrote,"It takes quite a person indeed to be able to humiliate but still retain the loving part of the relationship."

That has had me thinking about a few things.

The D/s lifestyle and BDSM activities include many things that would be anathema in normal society. How can one humiliate or cause physical, emotional or psychological pain to someone on a regular or ongoing way and call it a loving relationship?

From the outside it must seem impossible or at the very least peculiar and strange. I am sure many would assume such relationships are abusive - and in some cases I know they truly are from correspondents who came to realise that was the nature of their relationship and then chose to do something about it.

For many perhaps such activities are kept within boundaries and the trust and respect and desire to meet each others needs in an equal way is what characterises them as loving relationships. Many though live D/s (and other classifications that better describe the full nature of their relationship) on a daily basis. It is then not a separate activity with clear boundaries but an essential part of the relationship.

How in 24/7 relationships does one ensure that the barriers between respect and abuse are not crossed? The Dom has clear responsibilities here. But he is the one with the power. And, as Lea wrote, it takes quite a person indeed...

Many relationships, like mine, are on a continuum between in the bedroom only and 24/7 lifestyle. That may be from choice or from practical constraints such as family, social contacts and employment. I wonder though if the closer one is towards the 24/7 lifestyle end of the spectrum the harder it may be to retain that essential love and care and the more danger of it degenerating into abuse.

I have found it hard to find the right words for this post. Do I have it totally wrong? How can one ensure that love, care and respect are truly there when activities of hurt and humiliation are also key parts of the relationship?

Thursday, 1 September 2016


I'm away at the moment.

Back next week, all being well.

Thursday, 25 August 2016

humiliation, needs and likes

The most visited post on this blog is titled Humiliation. That in itself is fascinating.

I started to think about it in terms of our recent discussions about needs and likes. Can someone actively like being humiliated? Where it is desired is it because if fulfills some deep down need? Is humiliation a way of creating a deep feeling of submission to another? Is humiliating another a way of exerting power and control in a strong way? Is it a psychological equivalent of a severe beating?

Are there any readers who like or need to be humiliated? There were several in response to the first post.

Thursday, 18 August 2016

enjoyment and submission

I found it really interesting to read the comments to the last couple of posts about spanking. (You can read them here and here.) It was fascinating reading different people's perspective on what worked for them. There were some for whom spanking was a very deep experience which filled a real need and was something they desired.

As Dani wrote, "...need is indeed what one feels. The connection at a base level of humanity. ... Why is the desire so strong?" and "...they can be divine or torture. In the end the outcome is the same, fulfilling a need, want and desire on many levels both physically and mentally."

There were others like Jz who liked them but didn't need them, "It's a liking. I like cookies, too... but I don't need them."

Some though didn't particularly like receiving a spanking but still felt a strong need for one. little monkey wrote, "Yes, I do. The part that I need most is the intention in the mind that drives the hand that strikes. I need that. So much so it borders on desperation at times."

This was developed further by Wilma Rubble who wrote, "... I NEED dominance. In our house, often submitting to a spanking is the ultimate form of submission. Why? Because physically I do not LIKE spankings."

So for some, like Wilma, the need for spanking is to help them feel submissive.

I wonder how much this is the case with lots of BDSM activity. Does a submissive often need not to enjoy the activity in order for it to make her feel submissive. That is the point. If she enjoyed a spanking or another painful or restrictive activity then it would no longer be submissive. The point of it not being a pleasant experience is to help her feel submissive to the needs and desires of another and to feel their dominance in making her do something unpleasant. Does then submission to the will of another imply being prepared to do things or accept things that one does not enjoy, or perhaps actively dislikes, for the pleasure of another or doing it quite simply because they command it, however unpleasant it might be? The stronger the dislike, the greater the feeling of submission.

But many (most? all?) submissives do enjoy BDSM activities. They are fun and fulfilling and help create the dynamic. They can be full of desire and wanting (and, yes, needing too.) They can be playful and fun ... and still within the dynamic. So perhaps a sub can enjoy an activity, revel in it even, and still be submissive.

So is there a contradiction here?

Are you truly submissive if you enjoy all you are commanded to do and all that is done to you?

Thursday, 11 August 2016

another spanking...

Thank you to all who answered the question in my last post a spanking...

I asked the question, "Do you need a spanking?"

There were many very interesting replies. The impression I got from those who said they did indeed need a spanking was that it was because of the way it made them feel submissive and emphasised the dominance of their partner. They might not like the spanking itself but it met some other deep need.

I was taken to task by a correspondent for writing "who claim not to need it - but who do actually like it". It was the use of the word "claim" as if I might disbelieve those who said they do indeed like a spanking that annoyed her! She went on to write, "I was surprised that almost no one else would cop to simply liking a spanking, rather than needing it. I think I can understand the point that spanking is a quick and easy way to feel dominated, but it's not the trigger for me." The implication is that there must be many who want, desire, like and even enjoy a spanking.

So that is this weeks question...

Do you like a spanking?

Thursday, 4 August 2016

a spanking...

Do you need a spanking?

Thursday, 28 July 2016

play and relationships

A recent post here on play resulted in a number of responses and an interesting discussion.

It stimulated Misty to write her own post about it which you can read here. In turn that has generated a fascinating discussion about the nature, role and importance of play in relationships. Do pop over to read it and perhaps join in.

Thursday, 21 July 2016


There are so many labels in BDSM and so many interpretations of each. Just that one for a start. There are people who will give different words for the letters B,D,S or M.

Where does one start with the rest? D/s, Dd, M/s; submissives, slaves and dominants; Daddies and babygirls; sadists and masochists...

I'm sure we could compile a huge list. Perhaps that just shows the huge variety in what we do. In fact many call it "This thing that we do". Perhaps that is a recognition of the huge diversity in what we do but also the fact that there are common threads. Perhaps it says that there is more that unites us than divides us in all of our differences.

I worry sometimes though that people can get too hung up on a particular label and what it means to adhere to that concept. I like things to be inclusive rather than exclusive. I don't like to feel that I'm not quite part of a particular scene or group because my profile doesn't fit with a particular definition. I think it may be that I just don't like being labelled. Not just in this world but across my life.

But can labels be positive? Do they bring a sense of community? Does it help with identity, self image and self esteem? Or can labels exclude as well as include? Is this how cliques form and criticisms of outsiders becomes justified?

Personally I tend to avoid identifying myself with particular labels but I recognise how helpful it can be to help others understand.

What about you? Do you like to adhere to a particular label? Does it help identify you as a person and give you strength in this world? Or can they be a negative thing?

Friday, 15 July 2016


My last post smoke and mirrors, inspired by a comment from Anonymous, stimulated a very interesting discussion.

Anonymous also wrote here
My rumination on this topic comes from the term 'play' for intimate time spent between dom and sub, or master and slave, etc. It seems far too cavalier a term for something so intense and intimate.
That too hit home and got me thinking. We bandy about the term "play" about activities that as Anonymous writes are so "intense and intimate". Perhaps it chimes with discussions about the appropriateness of the word "fantasy" in comments on my previous post. However the word "play" is used commonly and is a useful word to describe much of what we do.

Is it too important, central to the dynamic, essential to a relationship, to be called just "play"?