Thursday, 15 November 2018

just so you know I am still here...

...well almost!

My parents are quite elderly and my father is very fragile at the moment and experiencing difficulties which are taking up my time and emotional energy. This happens to all of us including, I know, many who comment here.

Priorities don't become an issue - helping and supporting takes over. There is no question. But perhaps there should be.

We all need to look after ourselves to be strong enough to look after another.

So look after yourselves my friends. Be strong.

It can be hard being a "kind Dom" sometimes!

More soon...

Tuesday, 16 October 2018

Must Doms have an alpha personality?

I was talking with a friend recently, eating lunch outside a cafe bar in Berlin. (Like you do!)

She is switch and I found myself talking about the roles of Dom and sub.

I used the following example.

I am imagining a couple in a bar. Is one of them a Dom because they are alpha and always go to the bar to order the drinks or are they Dom if they task their sub to go to the bar to order the drinks? (In the UK it is normal to go to the bar rather than wait for a waiter.)

It sounds minor but I think it is at the heart of whether "Dom-ness" is being an "alpha" personality or whether it is to do with having control and getting what one wants. Sometimes that can be through being an alpha personality - but not always.

The same friend emailed me recently. She is a switch and had told me that she was currently feeling much more in sub mode. She was excited to be in a new relationship. Her new friend was eager to fulfil her wishes. "Very submissive. She's service-oriented and needs a bit of a guiding figure and she wants to do everything for me. She washes my dishes, folds the laundry, brings me lunch to work, gives me massages, takes me for dinner, and pays for everything. And she LIKES doing all these things." Coming from a kink background she recognised this as sub. So was she now Dom?

I am not sure. I like doing things for Inès. However, I am doing things for myself. I do the cooking because I like to cook and I prefer my cooking to hers. I support her life and her work because that is right but also because if she is content then that impacts also on my own happiness. Does that make me sub? I think not but for some who see "Dom-ness" as being an alpha personality then perhaps it would.

I wondered too whether her friend might really be the Dom because she was doing exactly what she wanted - and my friend was reaping the benefits but was perhaps still the sub because her new friend was the one in control?

For me "Dom-ness" is about control. I can do what I want. It has been agreed. However what I want to do may be things that Inès enjoys. Surely that is the point.

Saturday, 22 September 2018

Can we teach the vanilla world about consent?

I was listening to a programme on BBC radio about "The New Age of Consent". It was called 'Re-writing the Rules' and introduced by Jameela Jamil.

I have saved a couple of clips from the programme. The first shows how something can so easily go wrong. You can listen to it here.

However Bitsy also discusses how the BDSM scene avoids this and does it so much better through taking communication, prior discussion and agreement for granted - and can also make it sexy!

You can listen to what she has to say here.

Whoever thought making lists could be such fun? However if you look at most profiles for instance - they are full of lists of what members like and what they do not like. So perhaps we have something that we can usefully teach the vanilla world.

How sexy is your list?


Wednesday, 12 September 2018

A rulebook for Doms?

There was a thought provoking comment by Princesse to the last post about BDSM Contracts. Her comments may have been influenced perhaps by previous unhappy experiences where Doms proved not to be as experienced as they should have been or proved not to be trusted. However, whatever the stimulus, I think it does raise some important points.

A sub gives control and power to the Dom. Surely as Princesse suggests, they should be able to expect that as part of the agreement the Dom at least knows what he is doing and is going to stick to sane, safe and consensual and would only move to elements of risk when both parties were fully committed to that. It should also be expected that the Dom is fully aware of level or risks and has the appropriate knowledge and experience to engage in the proposed activities.

"Does a pilot fly a plane without his rules in head or does he just wing it?" she writes. I would no more expect someone to submit to a Dom who had no idea of sensible rules in relation to BDSM than I would to fly with such a pilot. The rules aren't just about appropriate knowledge and experience but are also about attitude. Is this someone who you can trust to take care of your emotional needs as well as your physical ones. There is as much danger of potential psychological and emotional harm as there is of physical harm. However much a Dom knows how to use rope safely or to manipulate certain implements, he needs to understand the psychological and emotional impact of such activities just as much as the physical and to regard it as his duty to supply the appropriate after-care.

This may also seem just a matter of common sense. However I am guessing the fact that Princess raised it shows that she may have had experiences where that was not the case.

So how can a sub ensure that all of this is clear? Should they really sit down with their Dom and write out a detailed list of responsibilities of the Dom as part of a joint contract?

"I'm all for a contract that clearly and excruciatingly details how the dominant will care for the submissive. ... It seems the dom needs a rulebook and chart, just as much as the sub. Bring on the ink pens, pencils, erasers and the big bottle of whichever libation of choice. Will take a while to hammer it all out. ;-)"

I think that Princesse may be right to insist that these issues are discussed in some detail. Partly it is a matter of trust. I am not sure that writing it down ensures the Dom is any more trustworthy. So are we just back to good communications, using ones instinct and taking time to build trust and respect? Can one then ever be sure that trust will never be abused or betrayed?

Wednesday, 5 September 2018

a BDSM contract...

neriche wrote this in her very interesting comment to the post Are men just wimps?

"...when might a submissive's written contract detailing limits as well as 'kinks to try' cross over into topping from the bottom? I just completed a 6-page kink preferences checklist someone shared with me at a munch. What Dom is going to want to read that? Being a newly minted fan of the idea of a contract as well makes me wonder at what point a Dom might just say, 'enough!'?"

I and many commenters on this blog constantly emphasise the importance of communication. So the logical response is to get it all written down; limits and desires; rules and consequences; what, where, when, how...

I am not one for contracts but I know some do have them. In fact that can often be instigated by the Dom. I have often thought it was part of the control aspect, a formal process of submission, part of the ritual that some enjoy. Perhaps though it could be a defensive act for the Dom. If it is written and signed that use of a single tail whip is acceptable then there can be no complaints!

I must admit that I am not one for such contracts though I can accept that they work well for others.

So, as neriche writes, "We've touched on sufficient and clear communication. Is it possible to overdo it?"

Saturday, 1 September 2018

Back from Berlin...

In a comment to my previous post below, neriche said...
"Inquiring minds are'd it go? ;) What's been your favorite kinky holiday, and was it the place or the people that made it so?"

It went very well thank you. Though not particularly kinky on this occasion. There was an event we had been invited to the day I arrived and also an international munch which we fancied going to. However...

I met Inès in a square just down the road from the apartment we booked and we went there together. Once we had been shown round the very nice place I decided as we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks that we should check out the bedroom.

After that we decided it was perhaps a bit late for the other events and we fancied a quieter evening. So we had a walk and a nice meal and then went back to the bedroom...

Inès was working during the week and I wanted to stroll and relax so we didn't seek out much else. Though I did arrange a photographic shoot with a friend from this blog while I was there which I thought worked very well.

To answer the main question though...

What was my favourite kinky holiday?

I thought first of all of a previous Berlin visit that had a number of interesting kinky events that were quite memorable. However there is another visit, a long time ago now, that stands out. I had a holiday planned staying at the house of a friend in a very scenic area. Near by lived an online friend with whom I had struck up a very close D/s relationship. I spent several days at the beginning of my stay and again at the end of my stay with her. There we explored a whole variety of BDSM and Kink in ways that helped each of us develop. Although I think most of the posts about that have now been taken down any readers of my old Beau blog may remember us writing of it. Sadly, as is often the way with these things, for various reasons it came to an end. I still remember her and that time though very fondly.

So what about my readers...

Will you share a favourite kinky holiday with us?

Wednesday, 15 August 2018


I'm off on holiday again. In a couple for days I will be meeting Inès in Berlin. We have had some fun there before and with other friends we have met there.

One of whom has invited us to a very interesting event the day I arrive. I wonder if we will manage to get there. If not I am sure we will find something else kinky to get up to while we are there. Berlin is that kind of place...

Do you add fetish to your holidays? Is a holiday also a holiday from D/s or is it a time to spice up your relationship and find new kinds of fun...?

Sunday, 12 August 2018


This post was inspired by a comment by Fondles to my previous post Are men just wimps?  You can read her comment here.

In it she writes,
"It's easy to say, hey, sure, I'll spank / whip / hit you. But women (or so I'm told) are fickle creatures, and it's not difficult to imagine how an argument could escalate into finger pointing and police reports being filed. Anything taken out of context could sound like a crime."

Whether fickle or not, people can change their minds at a later date. They can have regrets. Things might not have turned out as wonderfully as they had hoped. Or perhaps a relationship breaks down in a resentful and acrimonious way. Reporting BDSM activities out of context would certainly be seen as abuse by the authorities.

I can imagine the interview question,
"Did you on such and such a date engage in the following activities with X..."
Then the response,
"Well, yes, BUT..."

I'm not sure how well the "BUT" would play out in such a scenario. Not well I imagine.

I wonder if this plays any part at all in the questions I asked in the previous post. Or is it anyway something that Doms should bear carefully in mind?

Thursday, 2 August 2018

Are men just wimps?

I came across a profile on Fetlife today when I clicked on an email link. It raised an issue that I have come across a number of times on Fetlife and also in emails to Uncle Agony. I have paraphrased it here:
"I've always found myself fantasising but when I've ever approached it with a partner the idea has been shut down straight away. I'm looking for hints and tips to getting a partner involved in my naughty fantasies."

At one level it can be someone who has been aroused by reading (I first wrote "coming across" but wanted to avoid the double entendre!) Fifty Shades of Grey. At another level it can be someone with a deeply submissive or masochistic personality who cannot find a partner to satisfy their needs in a safe situation. Both are inherently frustrating and where it is something deep in a person's psyche that they cannot fulfil it can be agonisingly distressing.

All the examples I have are from women in this situation. Given that men tend to be viewed as more assertive and perhaps aggressive, it is surprising that women find it so hard to find a man to dominate them or even get involved in some kinky D/s play.

An online friend had tried to get her husband to spank her as part of an attempt to develop a more D/s scenario. Despite several attempts by him to meet her needs he just could not do it. He had been brought up to be kind and considerate to women and had a deeply ingrained feeling that striking a woman was wrong.

I can understand that in a way. I believe the same in a vanilla setting. However if a submissive woman desired me to meet her needs through tying her up and spanking her - then find me the ropes and the crop! Just why do I never meet these women?

Though even I have my limits as a Dom. I would find it impossible to deliver the kinds of beating that some masochistic women crave.

Perhaps after all we men are just wimps.

Wednesday, 25 July 2018

TOO busy

It is official - I'm too busy.

Too busy and I don't like it.

I now have unread emails going back for a month. If I owe you a reply - please forgive me.

More importantly, personal life suffers and relationships can be strained.

It is important to take time for relationships. It is important to take time to talk, to take time to relax together, to take time to have fun together, to take time for kink, to take time for sex, to take time to investigate (and instigate!) new and exciting things you would like to do together and new adventures you would like to have.

It is important.

Is it just me? Life seems to have got like that now.

How is it impacting you? How do you survive? How do you prioritise?

Having prioritised - how do you make it happen?

I know, I'll write an email.

     "Dear Uncle Agony, Please can you help me with an urgent question..."


Wednesday, 27 June 2018

on being judgemental...

There was an interesting discussion on my last post 'being judgemental...'

I was prepared to receive some flack in the comments but it developed some interesting points. For instance Neriche had experience of women who had been abused in the past discovering a safe place in the BDSM world. Jz made it clear she felt it was fine to be speak ones mind about things one believes to be wrong and that was not the same as "being judgemental". So that gives me my justification!

One of the issues I was trying to address was that of lifestyle relationships in particular. I suppose I am worried about where the line lies between genuinely happy and caring BDSM relationships and those where the dynamic might be manipulated by a Dom and has an underlying abusive element. Abby had something to say about that and also Bleue though she also pointed out the abuse she has seen in play settings.

One of the things that prompted my post was having had long conversations with women who had come to recognise that their BDSM lifestyle relationships were in fact abusive and walked out. This is not a simple and easy action for a sub, both emotionally and physically. It can have a long term impact in many ways.

Dani was one such and has posted her response here. She is a strong and brave woman who has suffered a lot in many ways and who was in extreme danger at more than one time. I suppose I worry about those subs who may not be as strong, brave and determined as she was.

Wednesday, 30 May 2018

being judgemental...

OK this one may be controversial so after I press "Publish" I may go and hide behind the sofa for a while. But here goes...

I was going to start with, "I try not to be judgemental...".

But - no - I don't consciously try not to be judgemental about other people's lifestyles. I hope that I am genuinely NOT judgemental about other people's lifestyles as long as they are not harming others. In fact I try to be positive about their rights to live their lives in a way that is fulfilling to them, that makes them happy, content, satisfied, fulfilled, replete.

However, I did say, "as long as they are not harming others." 

*Sighs and takes a deep breath before daring to continue*

I know that within that I have always included, "as long as they are not harming each other."

And there is the rub. My definition of that may be very different to others. I know from emails from readers that they have reassessed their relationships after reading this blog. (I am sure that was not the only factor.) In fact I know of two women who have divorced their husbands after coming to a recognition that their relationships were not appropriately D/s but were in fact abusive.

My definition of "harm" may be different from that of others. We have discussed abuse on here lots and had recent discussions for instance about body modification, etc. There are demands from a Dom that can be just wrong. They may be in terms of physical demands. How strong does a beating have to be before it becomes abusive? Who gets to decide that? Do take into account the power dynamic within the relationship and emotional bonds before answering.

What about the relationship itself? Where something is happening within a "play" setting, it can kind of be switched on and off. One can discuss afterwards to point out where things went wrong and expect that not to be repeated. Guidelines and limits can be set out clearly in advance and revised when necessary. But if it is a lifestyle choice then how do the limits work then? Who makes the decisions? Always the Dom? But if it is a Master/slave or Domestic Discipline/1950s household type of relationship then how does that work?

When I believe that people being slaves or being controlled and beaten within a relationship is wrong in a vanilla setting then what makes it right if it appears to be exactly the same dynamic but has been given a label of Kink or BDSM or D/s or M/s or whatever? Can those labels themselves become an excuse for unscrupulous people to abuse others? That should also apply to emotional/psychological control and in relation to equality issues.

If I think a certain lifestyle situation is not ethical am I not right to call it out whether or not it is being self classified as BDSM? I know regular readers will see this post in the the context of what has gone before over many years. However I appeal to new or passing readers to recognise that this is not an attack on the BDSM scene from outside but a genuine attempt to address important issues within the community.

(Whilst I have written here with the implication of male dominant and female sub, as always I recognise the situations arise in gender relations of all sexual orientations.)

*Rushes now to hide behind the sofa.*

Sunday, 20 May 2018

power dynamics...

I have recently watched a film, 'The Duke of Burgundy'. I had not heard of it before and was surprised at this as it has had some good reviews. It describes a lesbian D/s relationship and investigates the power play within it in a very interesting way.

I wondered if any readers of this blog had seen it and what they thought of it. I wondered too if others might have found the issues about the dynamic interesting and thought provoking?

Friday, 11 May 2018

more thoughts on objectification...

I'm just going to add a few more thoughts to my previous post about objectification.

Inès sometimes works as an artists' life model. Most of her work is naked. Her body is just there to be drawn or painted. She is just a still life, an object. Quite literately as it is important to the artists that she maintains that exact position without moving. For some artists it is just a technical challenge to try to represent what they can see with some accuracy and expression.

For the model it is slow torture. Keeping a still pose for hours creates pain - even in a simple sitting pose. The bones start to press through the flesh into the seat. Imagine a standing pose with a twist, or a pose where one part of the body is pressing into another. Imagine doing it for hours. Imagine not being able to move. She is not just an object but also in pain - not recognised by most of the artists.

Then of course there are the final drawings, concentrating on all the interesting bits - the folds of flesh, the jutting bones, sometimes making one look quite grotesque. It can be humiliating.

So - a perfect job for a masochistic exhibitionist who enjoys being objectified and humiliated. Perhaps a perfect job for submissives everywhere. Any takers?

Sunday, 29 April 2018


I am not particularly a fan of latex and rubber or that particular kink. However I was recently introduced to a website which included some well shot short video clips of women dressed in tight fitting rubber latex mostly with a BDSM theme.

I found the tight figure hugging and figure forming nature of the clothing attractive. What got me thinking though was that with the face masks that were part of it - there was a dehumanising aspect to it which created a strong objectification. That made me wonder whether rather than a fetish for the materials themselves it was that objectification aspect which made it so attractive in a D/s or BDSM context. Though for me BDSM is very personal, that is part of the point and the pleasure of it.

I wonder if others have thoughts about this. Do you have experience of this kind of fetish wear? Do you find it attractive in others? Do you find it erotic? Does this come from the look and feel of it - or is the objecification aspect part of the pleasure?