Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Tomorrow ...

... I catch the plane to Shanghai via Istanbul.

I am not sure how easy access to Blogger is from there or how much time I will have for posting. So I may be saying cheerio until the end of November. Do pop in occasionally though in case I have found an opportunity to post.

I had planned a special post to keep you thoughtful and active while I am away but I'm afraid that preparations and other complications have not left me time. Who knows though - perhaps I will write it in Shanghai. I think you will find it interesting.

If you are in Shanghai - then drop me a line.

Have fun while I am away.

P xx

Sunday, 3 August 2014

fetish

Hey - I'm not in Shaghai yet, but I am going to Hamburg for a week. While I'm away any thoughts on the topic of 'fetish'?

BDSM seems inextricably linked with domination and submission. How though does fetish link in to this? Some fetishes - like a foot fetish for instance - seem to have little directly to do with D/s. However feet kissing for instance could be seen as a very submissive act.

Is is sometimes to do with the sensuality of things like leather, latex, rope, chains that are often used in a BDSM scenario?

Is fetish part of your relationship? Is it intrinsically linked to the dominant/submissive or BDSM nature of your relationship or is it totally separate?

Friday, 25 July 2014

gifts

I read a piece on Fetlife recently where a sub was wondering why submission was often said to be a gift. Surely, she wrote, subs submit because they get something out of it. In that sense they are doing it for themselves. D/s relationships exist because each is getting satisfaction and fulfilment from it.

Her argument seemed very sound but part of me felt that there was something so powerful about submission that it at least felt like a gift. I wrote a comment to that effect and I finished by wondering if domination was then a gift too.

Then I looked back on this blog and discovered I had written almost exactly the same thing three years ago here. Then many subs described domination as a gift also. What do readers think now. Is there something special about submission that makes it a unique gift - or can dominance be a gift too?

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Shanghai

In a few weeks I am hoping to be going to China for most of the following 12 months. I am not planning to keep my blogs active while I am away. If you are from Shanghai or know the city well do write to say hi!

I have only one draft post ready before I go. So if there are any topics that you would like to see discussed here or old topics that you feel could be revisited then do write and let me know.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

trust, intensity and safety

I had a number of interesting conversations at a recent munch. In one I was chatting with two guys. I agreed with one who said that the nature of trust in D/s relations made for a high level of intimacy and commitment. However the other disagreed.

I had described the trust necessary to allow someone to tie you and place yourself totally in their power. However he argued that was no more trusting than inviting a stranger in for a coffee after a few drinks in a bar having met for the first time. He felt this was possibly even more trusting. After all - are not those in the D/s scene actually more trustworthy people?

So would you trust a Dom more than any other passing psychopath? Is trusting a Dom no more dangerous than the trust needed to be alone with someone after one or two meetings? So is the level of trust in D/s no greater than in other relationships and therefore the intensity of the relationship no greater?

Thursday, 3 July 2014

style ...

Perhaps it is all a mater of style.

I was thinking about this initially because of a question I was asked about brattiness by libby which I answered here. I have written previously specifically about brattiness and you can read my thoughts here and here. However on this occasion I found myself comparing styles of submission. There are those who like to be forced into submission. This is not exclusive to those who describe themselves as brats or who are into brattish styles of behaviour. There are others who enjoy the experience of being forced, who like to have their will challenged and broken, who like the element of fight before they are overpowered, who enjoy a battle of wills and seeing their own controlling instincts broken down. Some just like to be broken.

I am not sure though that I am the kind of Dom who enjoys this fight. Don't get me wrong - I do like strong women. Most of my subs have been strong and powerful women in their own way and often very controlling themselves in their instincts. However I do not want constant battles.

Rather than being forced into submitting to my desires I want them instead to plead to be allowed to try to meet them. I love a sub who learns to plead prettily to meet my needs and does so eagerly with enthusiasm.

Is this just a matter of style or is it a more fundamental difference?

Thursday, 26 June 2014

revisiting "shame"

I wrote about 'shame' earlier this year here. It was stimulated from comments to a post about humiliation. In the comments two subs, Missus Whore and ara, wrote about how they got off on shame as part of the D/s dynamic. It was seen as being almost a positive feeling, state or experience that they worked through.

In comments to a more recent post, Ana H. and Lea also wrote about shame. However their thoughts about shame were more related to shame about themselves or about themselves as a submissive.

This seemed very different. There seems to be a contrast between shame as part of submission rather than being shameful about one's submission. The former seemed to have the potential to be a positive fulfilling part of play whereas the latter seemed to have an inherent negative character.

For myself I would prefer if shame had no part in the dynamic. I would love D/s to be a positive and life affirming activity for all who engage in it. I am though too idealistic and realise that many people's lives and personalities are far more complex than that. Perhaps because of my own desire that I want my sub to be shameless I find it hard to get my head around the nuances here. Have I got it right? Is there a positive as well as a negative aspect of humiliation that can come to the fore in D/a play? Can a Dom understand these distinctions and help alleviate negative aspects of shame yet emphasise positive ones?

...

 Ana has beat me to it in a comment this morning to the previous post here.

I will copy her thoughts into a new comment to this post to help continuity and perhaps inspire further discussion.

- P

Thursday, 19 June 2014

can D/s help support those with a desire to self-harm?

Ana wrote two very interesting comments about self-harm here and here.
"In my case, I crave the pain. I dream of it, I write of it... but I am in a strictly vanilla relationship. I will never get what it is that I really want, so I find other ways. I can only imagine the high one must feel when one combines the joy of pain with the ecstasy of an orgasm. Submission is intriguing to me in a literary way but it doesn't please me as much as it does some of my friends. We all have different needs. I'm curious as to how a dom has handled a sub who wants to self-harm and needs the pain? "

and

"The challenge I see is that one self-harms for a number of reasons. For me, it is an escape from reality, but at the same time a reconnection. Odd, I know. The escape is from the overwhelming emotions I feel. The reconnection is to stop feeling numb and start feeling pain. It is an incredible release but at the same time I know how wrong it is. I've often wondered if a Dom had a Sub who felt this way, how he would control it, would he even try to? Would he replace it with pain that he delivers? If a Dom is supposed to know and take care of all of a Sub's needs, I'd think that taking care of her self-harm urges would be part of that. I'm also curious that if a Sub was destructive in a mild way - not sleeping, not eating well, self-harming, small elements of self-abuse - how would a Dom deal with that? Punishment would only please the Sub who felt that way, as one of the reasons she would act out would be to be punished. I realize that there is a bevy of punishments that are not painful, but when one self-harms, it's not *just* about the pain. It's also about the failure, the punishment, and the redemption. It's an interesting grey area, one that could be dangerous if not handled well. In that way, the Sub could not be trusted, if she could not even take care of herself at a base level. Late night musings from someone who should know better yet doesn't. Kindly, Ana "

I do see a difference between this and self harm. I have discussed it a few times on the blog. I have found such posts here, here and here.

 It is a very difficult area and I think the points Ana makes are very apposite.

I am interested too in finding answers to the questions she asks as I know I certainly do not have them all. I would be very interested to find the views of others who may have direct experience.

Ana seems to be hoping that a D/s relationship might help her meet her desire to self harm but in a more constructive way? Is this a realistic expectation? Have others found it worked for them?

Thursday, 12 June 2014

slave or submissive?

On  previous post here Ana wrote an interesting comment about terminology.
"Pygar - as a long time lurker, I look forward to your next post. One thing I'd like to ask is are there Doms/Subs who don't like the Master/Slave title/role? For me, there is something very demeaning about the slave title or role, not criticizing those who thrive in it, but I can't imagine it for me. My exposure comes mostly from stories and porn, both of which are notoriously inaccurate. Still I wonder are there people out there who see a D/S relationship as more than just a Master/Slave? Perhaps it is just titles, but slave to me implies leaving everything behind, including my intellect and desires. Being completely out of control. Whereas Submissive means I give my control to my Dom - freely and happily, not as a slut (again, apologies to those who like the term, I don't) but as a highly intelligent, educated, skilled woman who wants to give her Dom the greatest gift she can. Perhaps it is all just terminology? Ana "

I think of my relationships as Dom/sub rather than Master/slave. I have written about slavery before here.  I also found a draft post that I never finished which described how I felt almost captivated and possessed by the beauty and submission of someone I was very close to at the time. Then I found another draft post about ownership. I tend to promote self-ownership rather than the kind of ownership by another that can lead to damage or harm.

The slave/sub debate may, as Ana suggests, just be terminology, However language is important and using different words can represent real differences in attitude, commitment and behaviour.

I think that Ana's descriptions of the differences between slave and sub are very perceptive and to my mind pretty accurate. It would be interesting to know the views of others - particularly perhaps those who would describe themselves as 'slave' rather than 'sub'.

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

being open about our needs

There was an interesting response recently to two posts about physical and also psychological and emotional aspects of bdsm - here and here. In comments to the first post there was unanimity in emphasising the importance of the psychological and emotional aspects - that they somehow made the physical possible. In the second post though there was a strong admission of the power of the physical aspect. However, some suggested that they sometimes found "owning up" to their physical needs quite hard.

All this got me thinking about whether there is something in all of us that makes it hard to be open about our deepest needs. Might we in some way feel ashamed or guilty about them? Do we need the excuse of being made to do it or perhaps we are frightened to just open up and admit it.

Are some needs and desires just too dark or deeply hidden in our psyche for us to be open about them?

Do you have needs and desires you have never dared share? If so, why not?

Have you needs and desired you are even frightened to own up to yourself about?

Do tell. We would love to know!

(PS Pleased do also look at and contribute to the very interesting discussion about controlling or being controlled here.)

Sunday, 1 June 2014

controlling or being controlled ...

Lauren posted a question here to an earlier post about submission, pain and masochism. I have published it on Uncle Agony here in the hope that readers may have some thoughts.

Thursday, 29 May 2014

next post ...

... is coming soon.

I got diverted a bit by replying to questions from libby and Des. You can read my replies to their questions on Beau's blog here.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Awards ...

It must be the award season again. I have just received an email from libby. In it she has let me know that she nominated me for a blog award here. Thank you libby. I am honoured and you are too kind.

By chance I have discovered that a very long standing blogger friend, Desireous, recently also nominated me for the same award here.

It is not the first time I have been nominated for this. I wrote previously about it here.

Alas, as with all good things - they seem to come with duties and responsibilities. It seems I have some questions to answer and other tasks. I think I will pass these over to my alter ego Beau where you can read all about it. Thank you very much libby and Des.

(Questions now answered on Beau's blog here.)

Thursday, 22 May 2014

physical

In my previous post I discussed the relationship between the physical and psychological or emotional aspects of bdsm. There was unanimity from commenters that the psychological came to the fore. That however much one may crave the sexual or other physical aspects, in the end it was the psychological and emotional aspect that won out. They were what made the physical possible, they were what made the physical work so well.

Beau had published a link to Domina Kat's recent post confession. In it she writes very powerfully of her physical needs. So I thought I might use that as an example of real physical need as opposed to psychological. However on re-reading it the psychological element does come out from it. And Kat herself wrote in a comment, "The emotional/mental is what leads the way in our relationship."

nbs joined in the comments to the last post to point out that however much she may have recently changed and become more masochistic that did not imply that the psychological need was not at the core of her relationship. 

I suppose all needs must have a psychological element. The very word 'need' has a psychological power to it.

However surely some needs just are deep physical needs. I wonder if we may be frightened of owning up to them. Is it too dangerous to give ourselves up to our animal instincts? Surely some of what we do is to explore this aspect of ourselves ... to explore those animal needs.

No?

Thursday, 15 May 2014

psychological and emotional... or just physical?

I was talking with someone last week who said he had been into masochism and now was into sadism and masochism. However he wasn't into submission or dominance. That side didn't interest him - it was purely the physical aspect that he was there for.  The same evening someone else said to me in relation to D/s and BDSM, "It's all just about sex, isn't it?"

On the post below nbs commented, "... I've found myself much less submissive and more masochistic." So is she too finding she is mostly into the physical aspect?

So how important is the physical aspect to you? If you had to chose between the psychological relationship or the physical one, which would you chose?