a sense of humour

I think a sense of humour is important in all parts of our life.That includes D/s and BDSM play. Yes - I know one has to take it seriously, that is important. However there is a danger in taking anything too seriously - especially oneself. I fear that some can take themselves far too seriously in this world in a way that can lead to pomposity.

My woman has a habit of giggling at inappropriate moments. That is okay, I just spank her a little harder. That has on occasions resulted in yet more giggles. However I am very patient and spank just a little harder still. It is fun discovering how hard I need to spank to turn the giggles into yelps.

Such fun.

Do you like to have fun like this - or should it all be more serious?

competition

Is there a competitive element between subs?

Who can take the hardest spanking, the most strokes of the cane, the longest flogging, the heaviest paddle? Do Doms delight in having a sub who can take the most pain and in showing her off? Do Doms encourage it in subs with dismissive remarks such as, "Oh ... you're not a real sub if you don't/can't/won't ... "?

I have come across it in comments on some BDSM networking sites. LM talks of it eloquently in her comment here.

Surely BDSM is not a competitive sport?  I certainly believe it should not be.

Have you ever been compared in this way? Encouraged to compete? Felt under pressure as a result of it?

Or do you delight in being the BEST sub ever? But you can't be. Mine is the best. Really!

Looking for a Dom

In the discussion in comments to my previous post, No Limits, I became struck not just by the importance of the trust that must develop between Dom and sub, as I am very concious of that, but also of the difficulty that poses for couples seeking to develop a new D/s relationship.

Desireous gave an example of a prospective "Dom" who communicated totally inappropriately. However I know from bitter experience that it can be difficult as a Dom (perhaps especially a kind Dom!) trying to project an appropriately "Domly" image. It is easy to get it wrong. My woman initially rejected me during our initial online conversation. I was far too nice. She was looking for someone cruel and heartless!

LM also commented on the difficulties as a sub in starting a new D/s relationship. Clearly there may need to be strict limits and guidelines at the start of a relationship until an understanding develops.

So in particular it struck me how hard it must be for a sub to find a Dom who will be compatible and truly meet their needs. Typically a sub will be looking for a Dom who is strong, who can control and use them. They may be looking even for a frisson of anxiety of what might take place when they have given up control. So as well as someone who can impress them by their psychological as well as physical strength they will be looking for someone who is also respectful - who will respect their limits and keep them safe.

I cannot imagine how it must feel to be tied up alone, for the first time by someone who they are still getting to know and trust. There must always be a fear that the initial trust could be misplaced.

I wondered if there is advice that those more experienced at this than me can give to others who may be "looking", who want to experience being controlled and used but who naturally want to stay safe. How do you avoid the idiots, charlatans, wannabes and psychopaths?

No Limits

This is a follow up to my previous post on 'limits'. That post stirred a very interesting discussion. If you have not read it please do take time to have a look.

There was an implication from lil, if I interpret her correctly, that if we take out of the equation things that are just sick or would cause harm then the limits are held by the dominant rather than the submissive.

I wonder how many subs feel enough trust in their Doms to accept no limits. To trust in their Dom completely and submit to ANYTHING for them.

And how many Doms would be happy to accept the responsibility?

the scene ...

We're back from our trip to London. My woman and I have had a great time. It has been good just to have lots of time together to ...

... well I'm sure you don't want to know all about that!

At the weekend we went to an alternative fetish market and also to the "after-party" in the evening. We had great fun and met some very nice people. I wish I'd thought to give out some contact details to some. It is not often that we can get to such events. It has not really been part of my life in the D/s world but my woman and I are interested to explore it further. ( I may write on Beau's blog about what my woman got up to there!)

We were interested though to note the orientation of people there. It seemed as if we were just about the only male Dom / female sub (Mf) couple there. There appeared to be lots of Fm and Ff couples. Why so few Mf couples, we wondered? Adverts we had seen for other events and clubs seemed also to be oriented very much at Fm

Is this typical? Is it just London? Had we just not found the right places to go? Are places that attract Mf couples less friendly and inviting?

I wonder how much others are attracted by scene events or whether, like us until now, you tend to keep your fun between yourselves or with a small group of close friends?

Easter Greetings

Have fun this Easter weekend!

I shall be in London (UK) with my woman for a break after Easter. If anyone has any fun or kinky recommendations for while we are there do let me know.

helpless

I'm not sure if the following is more a post for Beau rather than here. I'd saved it here some time ago for future publication so will post it now. 

She loves to be helpless.

To be tied tightly, unable to move, naked, vulnerable, available to my every wish and desire, knowing I can do anything.

Anything.

But not knowing what ...  I want her helpless for me again soon.

I hope you may find yourself deliciously helpless - or have  the one you care for delightfully helpless for you soon.

Have fun over the Easter weekend.

On "no" meaning "no"

I have just published an exchange on Uncle Agony with a husband who believes his wife wants him to take the initiative in sex and to control her. You can read the post here. (Do please add any thoughts or advice for my correspondent there.)

It has got me thinking though about the wider issue of consent in sexual play.

In the example J believes his wife wants him to tame her. She is strong and controlling herself but he believes she desires to be tamed, for him to fight for control of her in a sexual context. Clearly if the scenario was agreed and discussed beforehand then this could take place as a play scene and they could have fun with it.

However that would remove the reality from it. She would no longer be being taken as she had already given her consent.

Many women have a "rape fantasy" though none would want ever to be raped. Some couples engage in "rape play" scenarios. These can even be contrived into very sophisticated scenarios. However for some women they are wanting their husband to truly take control and decide when, where and how sex should take place.

In such cases how can consent be assumed? How does one avoid it turning into real rape?

I would be interested in reading general comments here and ones specific to J on the Uncle Agony blog post.

Do any readers have direct experience of this?

Aftercare

I wrote a little while ago about sub drop here and also on Uncle Agony here. I did not go into a lot of detail there about aftercare though it was raised. In any case it is not something I am an expert on. However I have just come across a series of posts by ara that discuss aftercare.

You can see ara's posts here and here. They include some poetry. Do read the posts if you have time. They are well written, interesting and informative.

ara writes from a personal perspective but also shows knowledge and deep thought about the issues of sub-drop and aftercare. She points out that aftercare can be necessary for Doms as well as subs and that it is just as essential online as in a face to face context.

In preparing for a scene how much do you plan also for the aftercare? What if something goes wrong - are you prepared then for the appropriate support? Following impromptu play are you ready to provide aftercare?

Do most Doms take this seriously enough? Is it something subs expect when they give their submission? Have you had good experiences of aftercare that have helped you recover from a difficult scene, from sub-drop or even from a scene that went well but was just very intense?

These are just a few of my questions but I am sure reading ara's posts will stimulate many more thoughts and ideas.

on Beau's blog ...

A few months ago my woman was worried that she might have a vaginal infection. She went to the sexual health clinic to have it investigated. Not the stuff of romance you might think but I have written of it with a twinkle in my eye in my alter ego Beau's blog here.

guilt

A correspondent mentioned a couple of times in an email to me recently that neither she nor her Domme felt any guilt in what they do. Nor should they. While some of what they do many might find extreme they play safely to ensure no harm is caused. It is consensual with care and trust.

So I wonder why guilt was mentioned at all.

Is because we cannot get away from how we believe others might perceive our activities?

bonkers or caring support?

I've just written on Uncle Agony about a recent email. It was a fascinating description of the after care being given by a Mistress to her sub after the break up of their relationship. This was because of the belief that a submissive would need additional support to survive - over and above that needed in the break up of a vanilla relationship.

You can read all about it here.

Do pop over and tell me what you think. I had not heard anything like that before and would love to know the views of others.

My Valentine

I wrote one word -

Mine!

She wrote one word -

yours!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Limits

On an earlier post "new to all this" there was a comment from Kitty who wrote:

... I'm a little late to this post as I am new to your blog, but I can very much relate to this post. As a new sub, I struggle a lot with knowing what my true limits are and when to use my safeword. One side of me thinks, this is not just for him, but for both of us. And, like a previous poster said, if its not fun, it should stop. Another side of me thinks, if I only do things that are fun for me where is the submission in that? If I dont push my limits, how do I grow? Its a delicate balance, I believe. Sir has been amazing in helping me find it.

I am sure I have written about limits before but I was intrigued by the way Kitty presents the dilema. On the one hand,

One side of me thinks, this is not just for him, but for both of us. And, like a previous poster said, if its not fun, it should stop.

But then again ...

Another side of me thinks, if I only do things that are fun for me where is the submission in that? If I dont push my limits, how do I grow? 

Is it, as Kitty says, a delicate balance - or do you come down strongly on one side or the other?

sub drop

'Sub drop' is a term that is often used for the coming down a sub feels after an intense scene.

Thoughtful Doms will spend time at the end of a scene to help a sub get back to normality, to come round from what has taken place, to feel secure and cared for. Sometimes this can be a physical reaction and sometimes a psychological or emotional reaction. It can be akin to depression or sometimes is just physical shock.

It can also be delayed - not happening immediately but striking unexpectedly a little while later.

Uncle Agony had an email about this before Christmas. Because I was very tied up in personal problems of my own and with the busy activities in the run up to the holiday season I am afraid my responses were perhaps not as full as they could have been. I am publishing the email exchange on Uncle Agony here.

If you feel able to offer help and support from your own knowledge or experience I would be grateful if you could add a comment there.

Thanks.