pain

"Pain is the body releasing weakness."

This statement or something similar was displayed in a training area for soldiers undergoing special training. I suppose there are areas other than D/s where pain has to be seen as positive.

A switch friend wrote in her blog,

"... pain is extreme sensation, and is not necessarily bad or best avoided."

I reminded her of this, much to her chagrin, shortly before I started to beat her! We discussed the kinds of situations in which pain might be embraced and even requested.

But pain is in reality the body's way of warning of danger - that one could become or have already become injured. People who do not experience pain are in serious danger of coming to real harm.

But somehow BDSM has reclaimed pain as a positive thing - not necessarily bad or best avoided. An extreme sensation - to be embraced as with erotic sensation. Are these sensations so different? The look on the face of a woman experiencing ecstasy though orgasm is so similar to that when she experiences pain. I wonder if that is part of why I can enjoy inflicting pain whilst being a gentle person in other contexts?

I suppose we all have our own reasons for enjoying giving or receiving pain. Some switches enjoy both! I wonder how much my readers have pondered on their reasons for enjoying giving or receiving pain?

schoolgirl role play

I wrote a post last week entitled "age play". It was pointed out, correctly I think, that what I was discussing was not really age play. I think this may not be either but is perhaps related to it.

There are many - not necessarily of the BDSM community - who enjoy schoolgirl role-play. Escort friends have told me it is a popular request from clients. Many men seem to find the schoolgirl look - or the thought of spanking a "naughty schoolgirl" erotic. I have read discussions of this on escort message board sites. Punters and escorts seem to be at pains to insist that it is nothing to do with fantasies about having sex with or spanking real schoolgirls.

But ...

... it is something I am still very uncomfortable about.

Part of the reason is that in a previous area of my professional work I had to attend case conferences occasionally to discuss and decide action in relation to suspected cases of child abuse. Yes I know that in D/s role play and other fantasy role play it is not abuse or anything related to it ... but the connection is in my mind so I cannot use it as an erotic fantasy. It is the opposite - a real turn-off for me.

Maybe I am just missing something.

age play

I know there are many subs who like to call their Masters "Daddy". I suppose part of it is the feeling of care and support that they get from this.

I am not being critical of such couples but it is not for me. I would feel very uncomfortable if a sub called me "Daddy" - though I suppose honoured as well that they were perhaps expressing a deep level of love and trust towards me.

Does it help to explain my difficulties with this if we put it the other way round. Would others not be discomforted if I were to call a sub "daughter"?

age and experience

I sometimes wonder when I see female subs advertising themselves on contact sites who are still only eighteen or nineteen yet describe "several years" of "experience" on the "scene". Perhaps it is because I was much, much older before I felt mature enough and experienced enough to dip my toes so very tentatively into this area of life.

Can one know one is a sub at that age? Perhaps as with gender assignment or hetero/gay/bi sexuality some do know their true nature at that age ... but there is something about it that worries me a little. These are such complex areas of emotions and relationships where many very mature subs and Doms still struggle to understand their own feelings and nature. Perhaps it is a gift to be so very clear at such a young age.

Perhaps I am being overprotective of young women who truly know their own mind and nature.

But look at it the other way round. Would you be happy to submit to an eighteen year old Dom?

I suggest perhaps not ... but does not a sub also need experience and maturity as much as a Dom?

being lent to a stranger

The novel "The Story of O" starts with O being taken to a place where she will be used by strangers. It is a fantasy held by many perhaps and for most it will always remain just that.

toy wrote in her blog recently of being lent to a friend of her Owners. You can read it here: my Owner's friend. For the moment it is a fantasy or a threat. I guess though she is prepared for it to happen and would acquiesce as she is such delightfully obedient slut to her Owner.

First I should make something very clear. I do not normally discuss individuals here. I am interested in the discussion of ideas not of personalities. So what follows is not intended in an sense as any criticism of toy or of her Owner. I have known toy online for a long time. I regard her as an online friend. We have even played strip scrabble together online! (She beat me!) So my comment on her blog was spurred by my friendship rather than any negative thoughts.

It did make me think abut the principle of lending out a sub. I can imagine that frisson of fear and anticipation going through a sub if that was hinted at. I have remembered I once lent a sub to stranger - but in a very different way. This was a couple of years or so ago. I was going away for a long while and knew I would not be able to maintain regular contact with my online sub of that time for quite a few weeks. She was going through a difficult time and would miss my support. So I told her I was going to lend her out. I actually did so but it was to a female sub friend who we both knew. She managed to maintain giving my sub that helpful support while I was away - so there was no abuse involved in that - other than, possibly, the fright my sub had when I told her she was to be lent out!

Let us though get back to the scenario of a sub being lent to a stranger for his use.

A sub could refuse, walk away from it and even the relationship if necessary. To that extent it is consensual.

But if it is being done purely to please her Master - then is the act truly consensual? I have my concerns about the morality of this and the emotional security of the sub.

I hope I am not being "holier than though" about this for I have been involved myself in a similar situation. I was the "other man". I was given a woman to use for the afternoon. In that situation though it was the woman who wanted to be used by strangers. It was part of a journey of submission and humiliation that she craved for herself and was organised carefully by a Master and Protector.

I ensured first that the woman was totally happy with the arrangement. I hugged her at the start and made it clear she could leave then or at any time. I tried to make her feel safe. We had a good time and later she wrote of it in her online journal making it clear she had enjoyed it. I quoted it on my own blog then. She has become a friend and we correspond and meet occasionally.

So these things can work out well.

However the situations are slightly different. I was engaged in an activity that she had requested. That she wanted. It wasn't something that she did not want and was only enduring through pressure from her Master. As a responsible man I could not have "used" her if it had not been her wish - because she wanted it, not because she wanted to please her Master. If it had just been to please her Master I would have felt I was an abuser or even a rapist.

So I worry not just about an instruction to serve a stranger which may be designed to test loyalty and levels of submission but also about the position of the other man who may be prepared to abuse the sub with no questions asked.

For if it happens in the real world - not a blog fantasy - then is that not close to rape?

violence

In my last post "A contradiction" I found myself in the comments discussing the word "violence". It seemed the wrong word for what we do. "Violence" seems to include in its meaning an emotional connotation that is negative and the opposite of what is intended for instance in a spanking or beating in a D/s or BDSM context.

Tristan wrote "It's not the same thing as violence. ... It's just different."

Selkie emphasised the importance of motivation and the need for it to become a dynamic.

I continued to feel uncomfortable with the word "violence" and wondered whether it was possible to deny that a beating, a caning, a flogging or a spanking is actually a violent act within certain contexts. Then by chance I came across the following by Lady Alpha as I was looking through notes for future posts.

"By definition, 'violence' involves aggressive behaviour. By definition, 'aggressive' involves hostile behaviour. Therefore to be be violent, one must also be hostile.

"Clearly in consensual D/s, even if that consent is for subsequent non-consensual action, or is for behaviour which is challenging and painful, maybe even degrading, hostility is not present. The moment it is, D/s becomes abuse. So violence and 'D/s' as we know it cannot co-exist."

This seems to argue very articulately that if such an act take place within a consensual BDSM context then it cannot be said to be "violence".

I am tempted by this argument but still have some concerns. I would be interested in the views of others.

A contradiction

On Uncle Agony I recently published an excerpt from a new ebook by Vivian called "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better.

In it she explains why many women who crave a spanking may find it difficult to persuade their husbands do it. She writes that, "... modern men have, by and large, been raised to believe it’s wrong and abusive to hit a woman for any reason at all. Period. End of discussion. This is probably where your man’s head is."

A sub friend of mine who could not persuade her husband to dominate her described the issue to me in exactly the same way.

But I am a "modern man" in that sense. I was brought up like that too. I still believe it is wrong to hit a woman - or a man or a child. It is not something I would do. Except ...

Am I not the same man who wrote a recent post about how much I wanted to beat a woman, to watch her wriggle and squirm? A blogging friend wrote and told me she had been surprised by the post. Had she forgotten I was a Dom?

So can I be both a "modern man" and a Dom? How do I resolve the contradiction?

youth versus experience

In a comment to my last post about Gor, Selkie wondered what happened to the middle aged women of Gor as all the women there seemed to be young, nubile slaves. It got me thinking again about how the supposed ideals of female beauty automatically seem to include youth. I know that men are often attracted to younger women and I cannot totally deny this in myself. Of course I can find young women attractive. However for me the ideal of female beauty is certainly not a very young woman. A chubby faced youngster cannot be beautiful as she has not the character on her face that is drawn by a few lines and creases. For me there needs to be that character for true beauty - so in this, older women can truly have the advantage. Perhaps one should search too for wisdom in a woman as well as physical beauty. Experience certainly helps to provide that.

This can apply the other way around. A couple of women have recently mentioned to me how attractive they find a particular young, male singer who is tall, dark and handsome and has a very fit and toned body. Of course I am not jealous (much!!!!) as I am sure they both also appreciate the lines of character and experience on my own face (written more in hope than expectation!)

So whilst any offers to me of a nubile, young Gorean slave would certainly not be turned away (if only!) I could be even more happy to accept an offer of a beautiful, middle aged slave!

Gor

When I was much, much younger I used to read science fiction novels occasionally. By chance I came across the novels of John Norman on the library shelves. Though many libraries have now removed them as some people found them offensive. They described the world of Gor where most women are slaves to their Gorean Masters. I enjoyed this element of the books though wished they had been slightly more explicit.

Gor was an imaginary planet many light years away but there are many today who try to live their lives according to Gorean principles. There are even some Gorean communities.

I find some of the Gorean ideas interesting and have used some at times. However for me living my life according to the dictates of a series of novels would feel much too limiting. I hate being bound by a series of rules - it is what makes me a Dom rather than a sub I suppose.

I am not trying to criticise those who do organise their lives in such a way. Part of me is jealous. I would love my own beautiful Gorean slave girl! But for me the is something just a bit too "Treckie"about the whole thing.

Thank You

Thank you to all who have now linked to Uncle Agony - and especially to those who have added such helpful comments there.

Now if any of you have a problem ...

... you know what to do!

The progress of Uncle Agony

Thank you to those of you who recommended that I start the Uncle Agony blog. It seems to have started off quite well.

Thank you especially to my friend Dragonfly who recommended it to readers of her Sisters in Submission blog here.

Two other blogging friends have linked to it. They are Bette Noir and Daddy's cutesypah. If any others have done so that I have missed - please let me know. I would be grateful though for more links from other blogging friends to hep increase its readership.

There are quite a number of letters of advice that have been published now with responses. A new one was published yesterday and another will be published later in the week.

The purpose of the blog was that those asking from advice would receive advice from a number of people. It was because I knew that I was not a font of wisdom that I thought of it - so that those who were troubled could benefit from a range of advice. So please, please if you visit Uncle Agony then feel free to comment. I can understand reluctance. It is difficult to set oneself up as having the right answer. I think we know that often there is no right answer - but support and good wishes from others in the community can often be so helpful. So do try to comment on the posts as you pass by.

Thank you.

not such a kind Dom ...

I want to beat her.

I'm not feeling angry or cross. I don't want to take out any frustrations on anyone.

No

I just want to see her bottom wriggle and her legs kick as it starts to get harder for her.

I want to take her close to that point where given a choice between saying "please hit me harder" and "please stop" she is almost ready to plead, "please stop." Perhaps I will take her right up to that point.

Then I will stroke and caress her bottom and kiss it gently.

I will take her in my arms and hold her tight and hug her close.

I will look into her sparkling eyes and bask in her beautiful smile.

training and conditioning

I just want to come back to the arguments I was struggling to make in my earlier post about conditioning. I'm not sure I have managed to express myself well - or can do so any better now.

I think I was wondering whether "training", which is a concept often taken on board in D/s relationship, whilst often appropriate within such a relationship could become a problem if that relationship were to end. I discussed it earlier in relation to conditioning that might be difficult to undo at the end of a relationship. But is that just a risk one has to take within a committed D/s relationship? Is it any different from someone having the name of a loved partner tattooed onto their arm?

I think for me it was the psychological and emotional nature of the conditioning that seemed a problem - but why should this be the case more than a physical modification?

Perhaps in the end if there is a commitment then there may be risks that one has to accept. But I think too that in "training" or "conditioning" - as with instructions for permanent physical change - that a Dom should recognise implication of what he is doing. Permanent modification of any sort is not to be taken lightly - whether it is physical, emotional or psychological.

emotional sadism

A recent writer to Uncle Agony got me thinking about emotional sadism.

I recognise there is some inherrent sadism in me - that I can get enjoyment from inflicting pain in certain rcumstances. But those circumstances are a scenario within which the person receiving the pain is also gaining some fulfillment from the activity.

I am not sure though that a person receiving emotional sadism can get fulfillment in the same way - or if so whether it is healthy.

There are I am sure emotional masochists - but is that a healthy place be? Should a kind Dom feed emotional maochism?

conditioning

I have just published a new post on the Uncle Agony blog here.

It is an email from a woman who has been conditioned by her Dom so that she can only have an orgasm when given permission. She has now left her Dom and finds that she cannot break that conditioning. She finds herself unable to orgasm and is finding that very stressful.

Having to ask permission before coming to orgasm is something that many Doms require of their subs. That control of a sub's sexuality is something that many Doms and subs find erotic and satisfying. It can be seen as part of a sub's "training".

The emails from my sub friend have made me wonder about the ethics of this if it goes so far as to become conditioning. A sub may be parted permanently from her Master not just through a breakdown in the relationship but also for instance through a tragic bereavement. Would a Dom really want his sub to be left unhappy, frustrated and unsatisfied in such a way?

There may well be other aspects of training becoming conditioning that could prove equally problematic.