Thursday, 26 May 2016

on being released

There is a new post on Uncle Agony where Graham asks if he should release his sub. You may like to pop over an read it and add your thoughts here.

It got me thinking though about the concept of a submissive being "released". It isn't a word I have come across recently but I remember a few years ago hearing it used quite commonly, certainly amongst a group of friends at that time. It might be because of relationship problems a couple of submissive friends were having whee they were released or asked to be released. Being released by a Dom was basically being dumped.  Whereas if the sub wanted to dump her Dom she had to ask permission! I am sure if permission hadn't been granted they would have gone anyway.

Though soon after that my online submissive at that time suggested I release her because of a real time relationship that was becoming more intense for me togehter with the fact that she was having problems. I'm still working out whether I had been dumped or not! LOL

What about readers. Have you ever released a sub or asked a Dom to release you? Did it feel like being dumped?

Thursday, 19 May 2016

Excitement...

The last three posts discussed keeping the excitement in BDSM play. It was interesting to read the different comments from readers. It got me wondering though about excitement.

Is excitement something that people crave at all? Does it matter if it is no longer exciting? Perhaps the whole point of bdsm and D/s is just that it becomes incorporated into the fabric of your daily life. It just is.

How is it for you? Do you crave excitement or do you just want bdsm and/or D/s to be a routine part of your life?

Thursday, 12 May 2016

The excitement has gone - 3) Safety

The third point that was raised (if you have not already, do see the previous posts here and here) related to safety. Safe words are of course very important in bdsm play. However she suggested that she and her partner negotiate so much to the point where she knows exactly what he is going to do to her. In doing so she came to realise that even as a bottom she was in complete control of the situation.

She is a performer and does scenes in public. In performance she recognises the need to discuss detail but in public and private scenes she found that was the case as well. Where then is the excitement in that? Where is the submission in it? She can stop it at any time. She no longer feels vulnerable. She continues to enjoy it of course but ...

It no longer touches her soul.

Do readers find this? Do safe words put the submissive in control? Does negotiation take away the excitement of the unexpected?

How does one ensure safety whilst being able to build feelings of vulnerability, anticipation and excitement?

Thursday, 5 May 2016

The excitement has gone - 2) The first time

Following from the previous post, the second reason that was described as having contributed to the lack of excitement was repetition. What had initially been so very exciting and edgy though constant practice now became closer to the norm.

That very special experience of the first time when it was somehow edgy, out of the normal, almost extreme and certainly on the edge of her comfort zone was somehow lost. She had done it so often that whilst she still got pleasure from it that specialness of it being edgy and new had gone forever.

Doing something for the first time, going to a new and special club, being suspended for the first time when one was anxious about it, having one's first flogging, anything for the first time that is gong to cause anticipation and possibly anxiety. One cannot perhaps get those feeling back. You can only do it for the first time once and that first time will have its own special excitement.

In longer term the perhaps one finds the edgy excitement of bdsm is dulled by repetition. Do you recognise any of this? Are you feeling jaded? Do you sometimes long for something new? Is there a way around it? How can one keep it feeling fresh and exciting?

Thursday, 28 April 2016

The excitement has gone - 1) Taboo

I was reading a post recently by a very experienced sub who is into bondage and posts some excellent photographs. What was particularly interesting was that she desribed how the thrill had gone.

The first reason she gave was related to taboo. So much had now become mainstream. Bondage was now commonplace and no longer a very special acquired taste. If it is now ok in mainstream books, cinema and TV then where is the thrill? That very special experience of it being somehow edgy, out of the normal, almost extreme and certainly on the edge of her comfort zone. She bemoaned the fact that now bondage had become almost mainstream, while she still got pleasure from it, that specialness of it being taboo and edgy had gone forever.

I wonder if other readers have this feeling. Do you like what you are doing to be slightly forbidden, not the kind of thing that most people would do, something that society might frown upon? Is it boring if it is mainstream?

Thursday, 21 April 2016

still wanting more

I have been thinking further about Janet's dilemma - her email is published on Uncle Agony here. She feels a need to be fulfilled through having more than one partner. She found that it enhanced her relationship with her boyfriend - until he found out about it. It is clear that this is more than a selfish desire for more partners and more sex with no consideration of her boyfriend. If it was that then surely she would have just left him and followed her urges.

She describes this need as something she has been aware of since long before she met her boyfriend. It is only though since engaging with it that she has discovered that it is truly satisfying and something she needs. Though that may destroy her relationship with someone she loves.

I have had emails from many who have found this dilemma in a D/s context. It is perhaps more unusual in the context of polyamory. Or am I just unaware?

Is it the case that some people just cannot be satisfied through only having one partner? Is it just a feeling of being trapped with one partner - whereas having more partners gives a freedom, excitement and greater fulfillment just through the experience of having more than one lover? If one has such a nature then how easy is it to create a polyamorous or polysexual relationship? To be completely fulfilled does it need to be polyamorous rather than polysexual - or does this depend on the needs of the individual? Is polysexual actually less free than having true, loving relationships with more than one person?

Sorry - so many questions here. Is this something readers have come across or have experience of? Do you have a view on any of this - or advice for Janet who is desperately trying to find a way through it?

Thursday, 14 April 2016

wanting more

I have published an email from Janet on the Uncle Agony site. You can read it here.

She describes herself as very lost and cannot see a way forward. She loves her boyfriend but she needs more. Experiencing more enhances her relationship with her boyfriend. However he cannot understand her need for others and different experiences. I have tried to discuss on the post whether it may be possible to journey together or whether she may need to set of on her new journey alone.

Do add your thoughts to the discussion.

I wondered too if others had ever to come to the decision to leave someone they loved because they knew that their own desires were not being met leaving them unfulfilled and unhappy.

Thursday, 10 March 2016

guilt

I have been in conversation with Graham and have just published his recent email on Uncle Agony here. To me the issue at the heart of it is the guilt his partner feels at having an extra-marital relationship to meet her submissive needs.

Over the years I have known a lot of submissive married women who have not been able to get their needs met by their husbands. Many of them have sought help and solace on the internet often developing close online relationships. Some have gone on to have real life affairs with Doms or have had temporary real life experiences.

I know that many of these submissives who comment on the blog have positive real life relationships where their primary partner is able to meet their needs? But what about those who do not? Many are in a real dilemma that they do not wish to hurt those closest to them who they dearly love. However a core need of their very being is not being met. I am sure there are some who carry on with their life with a deep unhappiness and regret. Those who decide to have online or real time affairs though may well feel guilty that this is secret, behind their husbands back and a kind of betrayal.

How does one get round this?

Thursday, 3 March 2016

trauma

In a comment to my recent post about spanking Anonymous wrote, "I'm pretty certain that everyone in this lifestyle has some childhood trauma that motivates them, even if they don't remember it."

He sounds very certain about that and is a psychologist and has had twelve years in therapy himself, so perhaps he knows what he is talking about.

Though Marijke Vonk wrote here, "SM is not correlated with physical abuse, sexual abuse, childhood trauma, symptoms of PTSS, personality disorder, sexual disorder, mood disorder, anxiety disorder, or, well, anything really. We’re as healthy (or ill) as the rest of the population." This is from her blog at marijkevonk.com.

She also sounds very certain, is also a psychologist and provides some references though they all seem to be from the same journal in the same year. So I suppose she also knows what she is talking about.

Though as Anonymous also points out, "I'd have to say that it appears nobody really KNOWS anything with certainty."

So what is the opinion of my readers? Is there any evidence that BDSM is correlated with childhood trauma or abuse?

Thursday, 25 February 2016

Barcelona

Sorry to have left you talking amonst yourselves all week but I'm afraid I'm going to do it again. I do have a post ready to publish that I hope you will find interesting. I also hope it will stimulate some discussion that I would like to be part of. However I am off to Barcelona tomorrow until early next week so will have little time to be online. So I am going to delay it a little further until next week so I can see what discussion develops and perhaps join in.

Sorry to tease!

And if you are in Barcelona - just say "Hi"!!!

Thursday, 18 February 2016

Thursday

I just got in from a busy day and was reminded that it is Thursday.

Thursday!!!

I try to post on a Thursday but I haven't today. What can I write about?

What CAN I write about???

Just talk among yourselves while I go somewhere quiet and have a think...

Thursday, 11 February 2016

spanking - what does the spankee get out of it?

Spanking is a part of many D/s relationships. Perhaps especially in domestic discipline relationships. Taken further in bdsm activity it can include quite severe beatings with implements.

So I was wondering ...

... just exactly what does the spankee get out of it? Is there sometimes genuine pleasure and enjoyment? How does that come about? To say they are masochistic just describes that they do get pleasure or satisfaction from it. It does not explain why or how.

Many years ago a sub friend sent me an article that claimed there was a nerve connection to the clitoris from the bottom that was stimulated by spanking. Sadly I can no longer find the article. Are there readers who experience this? Does a spanking arouse you in a physical way or is the arousal psychological?

Some may find the psychological aspect of spanking, the submission, humiliation or degradation arouses them or gives them pleasure and satisfaction in different ways.

For many the fulfillment may be totally about the submission - the giving oneself completely into another's hands to do with as they please.

But I am clutching at straws here. So spankees. Put me right. What do you get out of receiving a spanking? Is there an erotic or sexual aspect to it? Is it purely about submission? Does it meet some other deep need? Is it a need to accept punishment to expunge a misdemeanor. Does it have to be severe enough to get the endorphins working? Do please shed a light on this question for me.

Thursday, 4 February 2016

When a D/s marriage turns to abuse

A long time ago I wrote about a woman who had contacted me to say she had realised that her D/s marriage was not really D/s but was in fact abuse. Part of her coming to that level of awareness was through reading this blog. My recollection is that they had not been part of a scene and most of what she knew about D/s and BDSM she had learned from her husband. The last I heard from her she had divorced her husband, had a couple of Dom friends and was enjoying her life.

Recently another online friend has left her Dom husband and is currently seeking divorce. The situation is similar to the first in that much of her knowledge of D/s had originated from her husband though she has more recently been eagerly reading more. They were both quite young when they married. This case is slightly different in that her husband's behaviour has recently clearly changed from domination into abuse and she has been able to recognise that a line has been crossed.

We have discussed on here before the difference between D/s and abuse. I wonder though how easy it is to recognise if one is in a long term committed relationship? It might be especially the case if, like in these examples, the sub has learned much of what they know about D/s from their partner. Perhaps the crossing of that line between D/s and abuse is difficult to recognise when one is so closely and emotionally involved as part of ones whole lifestyle.

Might there be many subs who believe they are in a D/s relationship but are actually being abused - or perhaps it only becomes abuse once one recognises it, then the consent is withdrawn. Does anyone else recognise any of these issues or are they in truth very rare?

Thursday, 28 January 2016

polyamorous or polysexual?

I have had a look back through the archive and discover I have written six previous posts about polyamory . This is an interesting topic that is worth revisiting. However I have been stimulated to return to it following an email from a friend. She pointed me in the direction of a very interesting article by Dennis Najee. You can find it here: Poly And BDSM.

He argues that true polyamory is more prevalent outside the bdsm world than in it. I was particularly interested in his distinction between polyamory and polysexual behaviour. He believes that in the BDSM lifestyle there are a high proportion that play with multiple partners. However he would define this as polysexual rather than polyamorous. I think there may be something in what he writes.

It is much more intensive and committed to commit to a polyamorous relationship as opposed to a polysexual one. So is there an implied rebuke in his assertion - that we in the BDSM world are not as prepared to give that commitment? That would seem strange as the whole nature of a D/s relationship involves a high level of commitment. I have previously seen it argues that polyamory is more rife in the BDSM lifestyle because of our openness to different sexual practices. Though does this just support his suggestion that we are polysexual rather than polyamorous?

He also argues that bringing an additional submissive into a D/s relationship is doomed to failure as it is likely to be based on the Masters desire for a polysexual relationship with a resultant lack of commitment.

Do you have experience of this or strong views about it? I would love to know what others think and I know my friend would do too.



Thursday, 21 January 2016

The vanilla perspective

I often get emails from submissive women who are frustrated that they cannot get their vanilla husband or boyfriend to dominate them. Then a few days ago I got an email from John. He is in danger of losing his kinky girlfriend and is looking for advice. You can read his email and my response on Uncle Agony here.

I would be interested to hear the thoughts of readers.