Thursday, 19 January 2017

porn and young people

Last week we had an interesting discussion about ethical porn. But however ethical that porn may be I wonder about its effect on young people.

I guess porn may have become the main sex education influence on many young people. There are lots of reports that children now become introduced to porn on the internet at a young age. When we watch BDSM porn we understand its context. However much porn has now taken on many of the aspects of BDSM and not in a good way. Gangbangs, choking oral sex, hard spanks including face slapping, forceful anal sex and much more is represented as mainstream. Force and lack of respect for the woman is seen as normal.

I do not feel that this is a good way for boys and girls to learn about sex. Boys may think that it is normal to treat girls disrespectfully and forcefully. Girls  may believe that this is what they have to accept.

There is another movement in porn sites as well as ethical porn - and that is feminist porn. Again Googling will bring up a number of sites. The whole notion of this is anathema in some feminist circles. I wonder too if it may sometimes be somewhat bland.

So is there an answer to this? Can we have a quality of sex education that helps young people have a more balanced view of sex and relationships? Is feminist porn an answer to this and the ethical porn issue? Or as in many aspects of society do we just have to recognise and accept that the internet is as much a negative force as a positive one?

Thursday, 12 January 2017

ethical porn

Do you watch porn on the internet?

No need to answer if you prefer not but I wanted to discuss an issue about BDSM porn. It is really an isue about how one can be sure of the level of consent when one watches BDSM video clips.

I have seen a couple of sites recently that are recommending ethical porn sites. There are a number of them so rather than me typing them here you could just Google "list of ethical porn sites". Interestingly several of them list as an ethical site. It seems there are good reports from actors working for them and they have got a good reputation. This is very pleasing given that there is some quite strong stuff in there. A much older, and now quite notorious competitor, insex though closed down because of very negative reports from actors. There is a Hungarian site where there were even arrests I understand.

So if you do watch BDSM porn, please make sure you are watching performers who are acting and even enjoying their work rather than being abused.

Soon that will no longer be a problem for me as it is likely that such sites will all soon be banned in the UK. The Digital Economy Bill is likely to come into force soon.

Thursday, 5 January 2017


SwitchingFun posted a very interesting blog post in November about Primal play. Do read it here.

It is very interesting as well as being informative and offering good advice. It is not something I have been involved in but I have noticed others who say they are into Primal play. It looks as if it could be exciting and fun... though it also appears to have potential dangers. I suppose with all BDSM play the important aspect is to be aware of risks so as to minimise them as much as possible.

Although Switching Fun writes that it is not necessarily rough I have got the feeling that for many who like this kind of play it can be very rough. I wonder too if in the excitement and action of this kind of play whether it might be too easy to miss a safe word or for things to get a little out of control. Could it be a place where abusers could operate? There are also others - I am thinking in particular of the profile of a friend on Fetlife - for whom Primal is about extreme experiences and a more care-free approach. Perhaps being abused becomes almost part of that. Maybe the whole point is to no longer feel safe.

Perhaps I am just too cautious!

Have any other readers been involved in this kind of play? Is it what you are into? Is is something you would like to try?

Sunday, 1 January 2017

Happy New Year

Wishing a very happy New Year to all readers of this blog.

Whatever your kink I hope that 2017 provides lots of opportunities for exploring your desires and finding fulfillment in great relationships. Have fun - and be kind to each other!

P xx

Thursday, 22 December 2016

Festive Greetings

Just a brief post this week I'm afraid to offer seasonal greetings to all of my readers.

Have a spankingly good time.

P xxxx

Thursday, 15 December 2016

being too kind

'Tis the season to be jolly and festive and share kindness...

Peace and goodwill to all men (and women of course!)

So no spanking then?


Thursday, 8 December 2016

advice please...

Oh dear!

It's Thursday again. I've been away for a wonderfully kinky weekend in Berlin with Inès. Then much to do on my return...

... so no topic for a blog post today.

Also I have to buy Christmas presents. Advice please.

What delightfully, imaginatively kinky present can I buy for Inès?

If you have any ideas - do let me know!!!!

Thursday, 1 December 2016


A recent email to Uncle Agony (here) and the replies to it got me thinking. The submissive writer and her dominant partner were both new to BDSM. They were each exploring their needs and trying to take on their respective roles. She, the submissive, was though becoming concerned that she was being tasked to do things that were close to or beyond her limits so was  worried that the dominance might be getting close to abuse. There were some very good replies from readers offering excellent insight and helpful advice. I began to worry though about how prevalent this might be. The sub writer had developed concerns and had at least tried to get advice and support from writing to Uncle Agony.  I know others who sadly only recognised their abuse many years later when the hurt was greater and had had a huge affect on their lives not to mention their self image and self esteem.

In some cases this abuse may come from a dominant partner who is manipulative and who has no thought or care for their submissive partner other than using them for their own needs. Such a partner will lower the self esteem of their submissive by encouraging them to believe it is their own fault through not being submissive enough.

However there may well be other cases where it is just lack of knowledge on the part of both partners. A new dominant may feel that they have to express themselves in such a way to show little account of the needs or desires of their submissive partner. "It is what I want that is important." Whereas the submissive who is struggling to obey commands may feel that they are just not being a good submissive and must try harder. The effect in the end will be similar to the first scenario with lack of self esteem and an abusive relationship developing even though that was not the original intention of either of the two.

We were all new to this once. There may be those who were lucky and who met an experienced dominant who was caring and understanding and who supported their submissive through their journey. It is perhaps more unusual though for a dominant to be able to learn from a submissive in such a way. How does a new dominant gain the wisdom to guide and support  a submissive along what can be a very difficult and apprehensive path?

So how do we get started in a safe way - emotionally, psychologically and physically?

How can we encourage those new to BDSM to seek help and advice and where do we advise them to seek it?

Thursday, 24 November 2016

coming soon...

First an apology...

I had a new post in kind for this week but haven't yet had time to write it. Thar's even though I started expressing some of my thoughts in a Comment on Uncle Agony and in an email to a friend. The thoughts were stimulated by thinking through the comments to the recent Uncle Agony post. I know I will not have time to write my new post over the weekend so will try to get it here on Thursday next week.

In the meantime do pop over an have a look at that post and the helpful, interesting comments and see if it sparks any thoughts off for you too. You can find that post here.

See you soon...

Thursday, 17 November 2016

avoiding abuse when new to BDSM

I seem to have been discussing potential abuse within BDSM a lot recently so it was interesting to receive an email recently from someone describing herself as a "New Sub" which raised that issue in the email header. She and her partner are both new to the world of BDSM and are in a new relationship. That clearly brings about lots of very understandable fears.

You can read what she has to say on Uncle Agony here.

There are always difficulties in a new relationship. New BDSM relationships are no exception to that. However where both are new to BDSM as well then there is possibly potential for further difficulties and, as Blackpurse said in her header, "abuse".

Do readers have any constructive advice they can give her? If so do visit Uncle Agony and comment there. Thanks.

Thursday, 10 November 2016

Tell me another secret...

When I asked readers to "Tell me a secret" several of you were kind enough and brave enough to do so. And I kept my promise. I didn't tell anyone - well apart from all the readers of this blog - obviously!

So will you tell me another secret? Go on. Just between you and me (and all our readers.)

Is there something that you secretly wish your Dom would do but do not like to tell them. Perhaps it is just too...

Or as a Dom do you have something secret planned for your sub - when you feel they are ready for it...

Or maybe you are secretly fearful of something that your Dom might decide to do that you know will be just too difficult for you.

Again - do tell...

Thursday, 3 November 2016


The internet is not a place known for its kindness. One hears more and more reports about trolling and abuse. In fact I have suffered from it myself on different forums but fortunately not here.

When I set up this blog I expected to have to put up with a certain amount of abuse - if only from those who would regard kindness and domination as being incompatible. There are also those others who feel there is only one true way to be involved in D/s or BDSM or DD or whatever and would take exception to my views. Fortunately I have had none of that.

Instead I have found on this and my previous Beau blog nothing but kindness and friendship. Through those friendships I became involved in other online creative erotic projects such as Dragonfly Geisha. Some friendships turned into deep online and, in one case, real life relationships.

There are kind and supportive networks to be found on the internet that can be a boon to those who feel lost and alone.

I was reminded of that kindness in the response to my previous post. I have heard from readers who recognised the blogger I was referring to in my last post. They too remembered her fondly and wished her well. If she ever reads this post I hope she will know that there are old friends from the internet who remember her fondly wish her well.

Thursday, 27 October 2016


The other day I found myself thinking about a blogging friend from many years ago. She and I used to exchange comments on each others blogs, we wrote bits of erotica for each other and created online games. She had a new Dom and was revelling in the adventure. She wrote about it with excitement. She asked readers to write in with suggested scenarios they would act out and she promised to try out the most imaginative and write up what happened.

He was married from a different part of the country and his wife was unaware. My blogging friend delighted in being his plaything. He visited her city regularly for work so they had plenty of time to play.

As the relationship developed it became more serious. Her commitment was total and he took advantage of that. Things that had previously been hard limits were crossed time and time again. She recorded it all, her humiliations, her beatings and her suffering.

The beatings got more severe and with a growing variety of cruel implements. She drank his urine each morning. She carried out his email commands without question, exposing herself in public places at his command. She played with other women. They played together with other couples where she was shared with the other man and as was the other woman for sex and for pain. He made her dye her blond hair black. Later she was commanded to shave it all off. She was given a very ugly tattoo. She was lent out to other men for sex. She was lent out to many men for group sex and humiliation.

All of this was documented regularly on her blog.

She was an intelligent woman who worked in a professional job. Part of her job was to support abused woman so she was not aware of the issues.

And then he left her.

She was no longer the relatively innocent, fun loving sub who had entered the relationship. I exchanged a couple of emails with her afterwards and she had clearly learned a lot and was trying to rebuild her life in positive ways.

That was long ago. I wonder how she is now and whether she has left the world of submission and BDSM or whether she has discovered someone else more worthy of her devotion. Perhaps I should seek out her email address and write to her again in friendship.

We all change. Experiences change us. Sometimes that is for good, though not perhaps always. It is good to always try to learn from experience.

I suppose he was changed as well as her.

I have changed over the years a lot. Not from an experience like this but certainly through relationships with close and special friends. I wonder when you reflect on change in your own life what were the positive factors and can you find growth too in the negative factors.

Thursday, 20 October 2016

on breaking trust...

"i've learned that trust is like glass. once broken, no matter how you put it back together, you can still see the cracks"

I came across this quote by chance on Twitter. It had been retweeted by someone who had liked one of my tweets. She seemed to be going through a relationship break up and no doubt these words had a resonance for her.

It made me reflect on the fact that I and others often reflect in discussions here on how important trust is in a BDSM relationship. It is central to all BDSM relationships. It is perhaps essential in certain play situations and in giving someone complete control.

We are though all human. Sometimes things go wrong. We make mistakes. Sometimes we can do things we later regret. Sometimes this could have an impact on trust. If one begins to have even a doubt in relation to trust what impact might this have on a BDSM or D/s relationship?

If you have ever had your trust shaken in someone have you been able to rescue the relationship?

In a BDSM or D/s relationship if trust is once broken will the cracks always be visible or can it be completely repaired. Is it possible to continue a D/s or BDSM relationship when the cracks are still visible? Is there always doubt after trust has been shaken? Is that always the end... ?

I wonder if any readers would be prepared to share their personal experiences of this and how it was resolved?

Thursday, 13 October 2016

on receiving pleasure...

In the last post here I pondered on whether it was the role of a sub to seek out ways of pleasing their Dom or rather focus on making themselves available for the Dom to take their pleasure. A sub friend wrote to say she had found the answers in her head bouncing from one side to the other. She ended with wondering how I would have answered - from the Dom's perspective.

So here is my own view on this. However this is clearly only what I would like. Each Dom will have their own preferences - which may even be different with different submissives depending on their nature and their special skills! I may also not be at all typical.

I do like a sub to be active in seeking to please me. I hesitate to use the word "just" after Jz's great comment to the previous post. However just being available, without any active intent, I find too passive. I like strong women. Strong women don't wait to be told what to do. They seek out ways of pleasing. Their strength may occasionally need subduing. I don't seek that, as perhaps some Dom's do, but I recognise it as part of the package. And perhaps that subduing can also be made into fun for both.

Yes, as Jz implied, a sub's efforts to please a Dom may be influenced by what gives them pleasure. However I have no problem with that. I have no fear of "topping from the bottom". If that becomes an issue it soon becomes apparent and can be addressed. I want my submissive to gain pleasure. If she can gain pleasure in pleasing me then the more she will want to continue giving me pleasure. Surely that is a win-win scenario. I think any caring Dom wants their sub to be happy and fulfilled and yes, that will surely include ensuring that she gains pleasure too - though in some contexts that may be through pain!

I found Dani's comment very special when she wrote "If I have a choice, I'd rather give pleasure than receive it any day but whatever my Dom wants I'm open to explore."

I am sure any Dom would welcome that attitude and approach in their submissive. What more could one want? Though I do like my subs to be open to receiving pleasure and not feel guilty about it. If I want to give them pleasure then I will give them pleasure. I gain pleasure from that too - especially in determining the amount and intensity of that pleasure.

I think too that Dani's final sentence should apply equally to dominants and submissives,

"If you care about someone and are intimate with them their happiness and pleasure should be a focus I'd think."