Thursday, 17 April 2014

online friends

In the previous post commenters explained how the internet had influenced their lives in relation to D/s and BDSM and also pointed out possible pitfalls.

There are some for whom the internet provides most if not all of their activity in this. It can be through blogging and social networking sites though there are many who have developed relationships that are wholly or mainly online.

Some yeas ago when I was more active in visiting other blogs and writing more fantasy on Beau's blog and on Dragonfly Geisha I developed a number of online friendships some of which developed over time into online relationships. These relationships can become very intense. There is something quite powerful in communicating mostly through the written word. While a couple of these developed into real time relationships it was the online aspect that established the relationship and in some ways was even more powerful.

I have met new friends through social networking sites such as the now defunct Informed Consent, the rightly maligned CollarMe and the popular Fetlife. In fact I met my own sub Inès through Informed Consent. I still have a profile on Fetlife though I visit rarely. If you follow this blog and are on Fetlife feel free to introduce yourself and send a friendship request there (

Are there readers who have found online can be very intense, have ongoing online relationships or have met their perfect D/s match through the internet?

Thursday, 10 April 2014

online ...

How important is the internet to you in relation to D/s and BDSM?

It can be a wonderful place to discover new things and to research areas one wants to know more about. It is a great place too to find out about other's experiences. There is a proliferation of blogs where people are describing their journey's into and through this world.

Would you have got into D/s without the internet? Is your relationship enhanced through knowledge you have gained from the net?

Thursday, 3 April 2014


How important is the community of others who share a love of this way of life to readers I wonder?

Many I believe are in stable relationships that can be very independent. However a feeling of community and belonging can be very important. It can give an affirmation of one's views and lifestyle. It is good to know that others share one's approach to life. It is good not to feel alone.

So how do you get that feeling of community and affirmation? Some may be active in the "scene". There are munches and events galore. Some delight in being part of the scene whereas others avoid it like the plague. Some may perhaps get their feeling of belonging from an online community - of bloggers perhaps or through social networking sites like Fetlife.

So what about you? Is a sense of community important to you? Do you seek it out eagerly in real life or does an online community fulfil that need? Perhaps though you have no need of being part of a community and do not need a feeling of belonging.

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Having got into it ...

Following on from my last post, "How did I get into this?" then - what next?

If it is a new relationship or a new character to an existing relationship then at least there is someone to explore with. That can still be an issue though. Couples can sometimes feel a little alone and lost in the same way as individuals when they begin to explore areas as seemingly deep and scary as this. They too may need support. So communities form. One can feel no longer alone, discover new and exciting things, learn and grow with the support and friendship of others. Sometimes this can be online as well as in real life.

For the individual it can be even more difficult. I often get emails from people who have discovered their submissiveness and wonder how they can find someone who will help them fulfil their hopes and dreams and meet their desires in a safe and caring environment. This can of course be fraught with danger so is very difficult. Those dangers can be emotional as well as physical. So it can be difficult to offer good advice other than through similar suggestions to those above. Real life and online communities of like minded people can be a good and safe place to make new friends and to begin to explore one's needs.

I do wonder though if it can be even harder for a dominant person. There can be the fear that to ask for help, to appear insecure in ones nature, is undomly and the antithesis of what one is trying to present. How can one be a Dom yet be insecure in searching for new relationships and one's role within them? A Dom is perhaps expected to emerge fully formed with a possy of submissives in tow.

So - next steps. Having got into this world how do you develop and flourish? Perhaps those who have blossomed might share the secrets of their success.

Thursday, 20 March 2014

How did I get into this?

One of the interesting questions that Sh asked in her email to Uncle Agony was "... how do you begin to get into this type of relationship? "

So just how did I get into this? This relationship in particular seems almost by chance. An internet contact, two people with complimentary needs and it is working out very well.

But how did I get into wanting, desiring, searching for a BDSM relationship? With me it came gradually I think. The desire had always been there - an awareness of the sensuality of BDSM play which I found attractive. It was some time though before I felt the need for a relationship - which is essential I think in real power exchange. For me that was at first online which in turn led to real play and face to face relationships.

For others I know that this search or development has been from within a pre-existing relationship which in many ways is all the more fascinating.

So how did you get into this anyway?

Thursday, 13 March 2014

BDSM and Sex

In an interesting email to Uncle Agony (which can be read here) Sh raised a lot of interesting points. You can read two very thoughtful replies by Petals MJ here and by Lyoness here. It got me thinking about a number of issues.

One of them is whether sex in a BDSM context is more intense, more satisfying, more exciting, more fulfilling - just better, I suppose! Betsy T wrote in a comment here that she thought women in BDSM relationships had higher sex drives - and that BDSM had certainly had that effect on her.

So does BDSM increase your sex drive? Has it improved desire and satisfaction? Is sex in a BDSM context just better?

Thursday, 6 March 2014

BDSM and sexual satisfaction

Sh has never been fully sated by a sexual encounter. Might a D/s relationship or BDSM be the answer for her? She wrote about it to Uncle Agony. Do pop over to read her email here and let us know your views.

Thursday, 27 February 2014

becoming a Dom

In my last post, changed, I asked about the change inherent in becoming a submissive and received some wonderful responses from subs describing how that change had affected them. It got me wondering if there was anything similar in the development of a dominants personality.

One would expect that a Dom has a dominant personality. But just having a dominant personality does not make one a Dom. In fact being domineering might be seen as very different from the skills and attitudes needed in a good Dom. There are also couples who have negotiated and developed a D/s relationship where the Dom did not fall into the role naturally but had to work at it. I have come across subs whose husbands while being strong characters found aspects of the D/s relationship hard to embrace. It was something they had to work on together as a couple.

Myself? I don't think of myself as domineering and am often seen as kind and gentle. Perhaps I have though always been good at getting my own way without making a big deal about it. Perhaps I have been quietly manipulative! On becoming part of D/s relationships though I have certainly discovered a side of me that revels in being in control. The power certainly feeds my self confidence and self-esteem. It arouse me and fulfils me in special ways. There is something very special in having a woman have such trust in you to give herself up completely to your wishes and desires - and of course an accompanying responsibility of care.

There are more subs who tend to respond to my posts than Doms - but I wonder if there are readers who have found themselves changed through becoming a Dom. Or subs - what about your Master? Have you seen such changes?

Thursday, 20 February 2014


Diving into submission, being immersed in the delights of it, giving yourself over totally to the use of another ... it is a heady and extreme experience.

It can be life-changing.

How changed are you? Do you delight in those changes? Are they all positive? Do you ever miss the old you?

Thursday, 13 February 2014

public display

In a comment to my recent post on humiliation nbs wrote,
"I'm often made to show myself off in private places to strangers..who are generally delighted. I hate it.. and love it and of course, do it for Sir."
It makes her nervous and ashamed ... and she loves it!

There are some though who delight in showing themselves off to strangers. I suppose if one has such an exhibitionist streak then there is no shame or embarrassment but just the thrill, even power perhaps, of public display.

Then there is the display at pubic events where couples may play in front of others. I know many subs get off on being played with in public in this way. I wonder if it is their exhibitionist streak or the delight in the humiliation of being restrained and used in front of others for their pleasure.

Do you get off on public display? If so is it because of a feeling of humiliation and display that feeds your submission or is it the power of exhibitionism?

Thursday, 6 February 2014


I have written some time ago on the topic of "shameless" here and here. However I am surprised to find I have not previously written about shame. I suppose that was because I have deliberately and purposefully tried to eliminate any concept of shame from my relationships. I want a submissive to be completely open to me without shame. I have regarded it as essential to the nature of our D/s relationship. I have always tried to make my subs shameless.

So it was extremely interesting to read the contributions on my previous post by Missus Whore and ara. I was writing about humiliation. Both Missus Whore and ara wrote that for them humiliation and shame were inextricably linked. I am worried that in trying to précis their words I will misrepresent their views as I am still trying to comprehend them fully. So do read their original comments here and here.

What do other readers think? Is shame and the struggle to get beyond shame part of the thrill and excitement of D/s? Is shame or shamelessness an integral part of your relationship?

Thursday, 30 January 2014


I have written some time ago about humiliation.

It is not something that I am particularly in to. In fact I perceive a contradiction between  respecting someone and accepting their trust and then humiliating them. There is a kind of mental cruelty that it is against my nature to dole out.

On reflection though that seems strange when I am happy to bind, beat and use my woman. Is that not also a humiliation?

Do other Doms have similar feelings? Do subs who are into humiliation find it harder to get their Dom to humiliate them than to dominate them in other ways?

Or perhaps it is just me!

Thursday, 23 January 2014

a sore bottom

I am sure that most 'Agony Aunts' mget questions about people having bits that are sore. However Uncle Agony got an email from LL complaining that her bottom was not sore. You can read it here. If you have any suggestions for her please do respond there.

I was wondering though dear subbies. Would you be secretly very pleased if your bottom became numb so that you didn't feel as much pain when being spanked - or like LL, do you want to feel the full effect of every stroke?

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Being Dominant

Discussing learning about dominance here and here I found myself thinking again about the concept of dominance - and 'domliness' if there is such a thing.

I was wondering whether the usual image of it in a person may be quite wide of the mark. That may be why so many 'pretend' or 'wannabe' doms just don't quite manage it. They perhaps invest too much on the outward trappings without having the inner qualities.

Some Doms may have all the alpha qualities that perhaps fit the image of a powerful, dominant, controlling personality. I don't think they are necessary though. Other doms may be quiet, unassuming, friendly, kind, almost reticent - yet somehow they always seem toget their way, to be in control, often without one even noticing it.

Is that not also dominance?

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Learning about dominance

How does one learn about dominance? Is it something that one just knows, that is part of one's very being, or is it rather something to be taught and learned? What about the ethical dimension? Are there things a dominant needs to learn before he can safely take control of a submissive?

These thoughts came to the fore when reading a recent email addressed to Uncle Agony. You can read the full exchange here.