Thursday, 11 February 2016

spanking - what does the spankee get out of it?

Spanking is a part of many D/s relationships. Perhaps especially in domestic discipline relationships. Taken further in bdsm activity it can include quite severe beatings with implements.

So I was wondering ...

... just exactly what does the spankee get out of it? Is there sometimes genuine pleasure and enjoyment? How does that come about? To say they are masochistic just describes that they do get pleasure or satisfaction from it. It does not explain why or how.

Many years ago a sub friend sent me an article that claimed there was a nerve connection to the clitoris from the bottom that was stimulated by spanking. Sadly I can no longer find the article. Are there readers who experience this? Does a spanking arouse you in a physical way or is the arousal psychological?

Some may find the psychological aspect of spanking, the submission, humiliation or degradation arouses them or gives them pleasure and satisfaction in different ways.

For many the fulfillment may be totally about the submission - the giving oneself completely into another's hands to do with as they please.

But I am clutching at straws here. So spankees. Put me right. What do you get out of receiving a spanking? Is there an erotic or sexual aspect to it? Is it purely about submission? Does it meet some other deep need? Is it a need to accept punishment to expunge a misdemeanor. Does it have to be severe enough to get the endorphins working? Do please shed a light on this question for me.

Thursday, 4 February 2016

When a D/s marriage turns to abuse

A long time ago I wrote about a woman who had contacted me to say she had realised that her D/s marriage was not really D/s but was in fact abuse. Part of her coming to that level of awareness was through reading this blog. My recollection is that they had not been part of a scene and most of what she knew about D/s and BDSM she had learned from her husband. The last I heard from her she had divorced her husband, had a couple of Dom friends and was enjoying her life.

Recently another online friend has left her Dom husband and is currently seeking divorce. The situation is similar to the first in that much of her knowledge of D/s had originated from her husband though she has more recently been eagerly reading more. They were both quite young when they married. This case is slightly different in that her husband's behaviour has recently clearly changed from domination into abuse and she has been able to recognise that a line has been crossed.

We have discussed on here before the difference between D/s and abuse. I wonder though how easy it is to recognise if one is in a long term committed relationship? It might be especially the case if, like in these examples, the sub has learned much of what they know about D/s from their partner. Perhaps the crossing of that line between D/s and abuse is difficult to recognise when one is so closely and emotionally involved as part of ones whole lifestyle.

Might there be many subs who believe they are in a D/s relationship but are actually being abused - or perhaps it only becomes abuse once one recognises it, then the consent is withdrawn. Does anyone else recognise any of these issues or are they in truth very rare?

Thursday, 28 January 2016

polyamorous or polysexual?

I have had a look back through the archive and discover I have written six previous posts about polyamory . This is an interesting topic that is worth revisiting. However I have been stimulated to return to it following an email from a friend. She pointed me in the direction of a very interesting article by Dennis Najee. You can find it here: Poly And BDSM.

He argues that true polyamory is more prevalent outside the bdsm world than in it. I was particularly interested in his distinction between polyamory and polysexual behaviour. He believes that in the BDSM lifestyle there are a high proportion that play with multiple partners. However he would define this as polysexual rather than polyamorous. I think there may be something in what he writes.

It is much more intensive and committed to commit to a polyamorous relationship as opposed to a polysexual one. So is there an implied rebuke in his assertion - that we in the BDSM world are not as prepared to give that commitment? That would seem strange as the whole nature of a D/s relationship involves a high level of commitment. I have previously seen it argues that polyamory is more rife in the BDSM lifestyle because of our openness to different sexual practices. Though does this just support his suggestion that we are polysexual rather than polyamorous?

He also argues that bringing an additional submissive into a D/s relationship is doomed to failure as it is likely to be based on the Masters desire for a polysexual relationship with a resultant lack of commitment.

Do you have experience of this or strong views about it? I would love to know what others think and I know my friend would do too.

Thursday, 21 January 2016

The vanilla perspective

I often get emails from submissive women who are frustrated that they cannot get their vanilla husband or boyfriend to dominate them. Then a few days ago I got an email from John. He is in danger of losing his kinky girlfriend and is looking for advice. You can read his email and my response on Uncle Agony here.

I would be interested to hear the thoughts of readers.

Thursday, 14 January 2016

language and submission

I wonder if I am a stickler when it come to language. For instance, I am forever scolding Inès for saying "I want" rather than "please Sir may I have". (Yes, I know. I clearly don't beat her hard enough!) The use of the correct words somehow seems very tied in with the dynamic.

It came back to me recently. A good online friend who I have been emailing recently wrote that if we ever got to meet she would let me spank her if I so desired. It was a kindness. A gift to a friend. We are just friends after all. So why did I rankle at the words "let me"?

Of course she was right to give permission but the words hinted at a holding on to power. That in "letting me" she would be the one in charge.

When trust has been gained though one then moves into a situation where the power can be given over to the other, putting them in charge. That power exchange has created a new situation, the beginning of a D/s relationship.

Then it would no longer be a matter of giving permission as that had already been given.

Imagine though an alternative. That instead of saying if I desired to spank her then she would let me, she were to say "please will you spank me." Using language in that way is giving permission, yet also passing control over to the other. The power has been given through the request in a way that saying "I will let you" does not. It is also making it clear that there is a desire to be spanked. It is not the mere giving of a favour but a submissive desire that gives so much more.

To me a submissive woman asking prettily for me to give her a spanking is so much more interesting and tempting than her giving me permission to do it.

Or is it all just language ... ?

Thursday, 7 January 2016

a friend from Shanghai

When we were in Shanghai, Inès and I were remarkably fortunate to meet the amazing Quest. Quest is larger than life in lots of ways - an inspirational character. Several projects ensued. For one of them I took some photographs as Beau. You can see the results on Quest's website here. Do let me know if you like them - or those by the other photographer.

Quest's website, Consensual Roughness, is "part education, part experience. At CR we explore the possibilities of a kinky lifestyle, embracing the curious, the simple, and the quirky." She has the challenging aim to "revolutionize the popular perception of sex and sexuality by creating a safe, inclusive space to discuss erotic interests. We break barriers in the bedroom, confronting taboo sexual expression head on, inviting others to share in our open-dialogue."

To this end Quest is looking for writers and artists to contribute to the site. She writes, "Hey guys! I'm looking for writers (and artists, actually) to write for my website. Shoot me an email at"

If you think you might be interested drop her a line and don't forget to say "Hi" to her from Pygar/Beau.

Friday, 1 January 2016

Happy New Year

Wishing all of my readers a very happy and peaceful New Year. I hope you have all the spanks you desire in the New Year - giving or receiving depending on your preference!

Thank you for reading and commenting throughout the year. Good luck to you all.

Thursday, 24 December 2015

Festive Greetings

I'm planning to spend the next few days with family enjoying Christmas together. I hope it works out like that!

I hope too that it is good for all of you who are celebrating Christmas. I trust all of you female submissives have been a "good girl" or Santa may not come. Alternatively you may get a spanking instead but perhaps that is what you wrote to him to ask for... !


Happy Christmas

- Pygar and Inès xxxx

Monday, 14 December 2015

fantasy and reality

(Sorry, I had this post ready to go up last week but some family health issues took over. Better late than never  I hope ...)

There has recently been a considerable amount of reporting about an adult actress who on Twitter accused her porn star boyfriend of raping her. If you missed it there is an article here.

There is an interesting discussion following from it by Aurora Snow here. Aurora was herself an adult actress. In the article she discusses how diffficult it is for some male performers to turn off work mode when it comes to real relationships. She writes,
"Lines between porn work and home life can become blurry, especially when you’re dating a fellow performer. I know. What’s approved of and/or normalized at work isn’t necessarily OK to do at home, too—a fact I’ve had to remind former boyfriends of far too many times. It’s part of the reason I stopped dating fellow performers altogether. What I convincingly “enjoyed” for work is not what I wanted at home.
I wonder how many men have difficulty in distinguishing between fantasy and reality when it comes to relationships and sexual activity. To what extent might the same problems that the male actors are having be replicated in those who watch violent porn or bdsm movies. What looks sexy and exciting on screen could well have a very different outcome if attempted to act out in real life. Is this particularly an issue for young men who may have more online experience than in real life?

Do any readers have experience of this? I don't mean in an acting context (though actors are welcome to join in!) but where inappropriate fantasy is attempted to be played out with problematic results.

Thursday, 3 December 2015

doubting ...

I wrote a short post on doubts a couple of weeks ago. I expressed the fact that I occasionally had doubts about my role as a dominant and I suppose about the whole dynamic. It isn't an ongoing doubt. Perhaps it had just passed through my mind again which was why I posted about it. Maybe when our lives are taken over by the day to day stuff and whatever passes for "normal" in vanilla land a different perspective can try to take over.

So is that common? Is it a good thing to reflect? Is it more of an issue for subs than Doms? If so should it perhaps be the other way around? These were perhaps some of the questions in my mind. There was a good response with a number of answers.

The overwhelming response from subs who replied was "yes." There was just one Dom who replied and he said "no." That isn't a very large sample from Doms but the different response from all of the subs is interesting. Though to be fair Lea did say that her Sir also had doubts.

The doubts ranged from a simple unadorned "yes" to more detailed responses. For most it seemed to be occasional but for His slut and mc kitten it was "all the time". Misty and lindy thomas put a positive slant on doubting, that it was "just another way of seeing how we can better ourselves..." and "makes us think more about situations."

The thread got me wondering whether they were right and that doubting is a positive part of our personality that enables us to reflect and improve or whether there was an issue that all the subs seemed to doubt, some of them constantly. Does that become an issue if Doms are confident and subs doubting - or is that just what one would expect?

Monday, 30 November 2015

Developments on the "life change" post below

I published a post here on the Uncle Agony blog with a dilemma from Mary. There was a very supportive discussion that resulted from it and it also stimulated discussion on another post on this blog here. Those of you who followed those discussions might be interested in reading a new email from Mary which I have published here.

Friday, 27 November 2015

Thursday ...


I try to post on a Thursday. I had some thoughts in mind based on last week's post. Thank you by the way to all who responded last week. It was fascinating to find it hit a spot and many wanted to respond even if only with one word. I'll try to write properly about that next week.

I'm just so busy with several projects at the moment. (Sadly not kink oriented!) Though it is good to be busy. (Well, kind of!)

Sorry to neglect you - I'll be back next week.


Thursday, 19 November 2015


I wonder ...

Is it just me?

Or do others ...

Do you?


... have doubts about all of this?

Of your submision?

Of your role as Dom?

Just sometimes ...

... have doubts?

Do you?

Thursday, 12 November 2015

vulnerability and fragility

There was a very supportive response to the email from Mary published here on Uncle Agony. Thank you to all who made such insightful and helpful comments.

In the email Mary described how she was suffering from grief and depression. This got me thinking about the potential vulnerability and fragility of subs at such times.

Many say that is not good to make life changing decisions at such a time. However it is can be at these times that one feels impelled to do something different. There can be a desire for change given a belief that anything must be better than the current situation. Some supported, guided change might be just the thing.

However is this a time when someone manipulative can take advantage of such vulnerability? There may be a strong need for love, kindness and support. It could be easy to fall into the whims of a person purporting to offer such support when they might have a different more manipulative agenda.

Though perhaps the biggest difficulty is for those closest. How does a Dom respond when his sub is going through such a difficult time? Is a time-out from D/s and bdsm appropriate - or is it just the thing that can take the sub away from her cares and help improve her mood through distraction and with the creation of endorphins. This is something a Dom can easily get wrong with the best of intentions. When a sub is in a fragile state perhaps such mistakes could be emotionally or psychologically harmful.

I wonder if you have been there as Dom or sub?

Thursday, 5 November 2015

life change

Is a time of major personal distress and crisis the time to make major life changing decisions - including one to newly embrace ones submission?

Mary has written to Pygar asking for advice via the Uncle Agony blog. You can read her full email and my response here.

I know she is eager for advice from readers. If you have any suggestions as to her best way forward please do comment on that post.