Wednesday, 31 December 2014

BDSM 101

If you would like to have a go at this perhaps you might like to copy it into the comments section or onto your own blog. I would be very pleased to have responses emailed to me (at beaudejournee@yahoo.co.uk please.) I will try to reply to any that I receive (with assessment and grading of course!)

Good luck


BDSM 101
End of Semester examination paper
Answer all questions

Time allowed: 90 minutes

Section A

1. RACK or SSC?
a) What do these acronyms mean? Explain in detail.
b) Why are they important?
c) What are the advantages and disadvantages, strengths and weaknesses of each?
d) Which do you adhere to? Justify your decision.

2. Trust is key to any BDSM relationship. Give an example from your own experience of where trust has broken down and describe the consequences.

3. Overheard at a munch. "In the end it is all about sex isn't it?" What do you think he meant? Was he right?

4. Sarah and James were in a close BDSM relationship for 5 years. Sarah suffered from bipolar disorder which was mostly controlled through medication. Before meeting James, Sarah used to self-harm, often through cutting herself. Whilst in the BDSM relationship with James she no longer felt a need to do this. Their BDSM play was somewhat extreme. It involved needle play, stress bondage positions and heavy beatings including use of a whip. Eventually the relationship broke down. Some months later Sarah went to a police station with her lawyer. She claimed she had been restrained, whipped and beaten by James and although she acquiesced at the time, that because of her mental condition she was unable to give informed consent. She showed photographs of scars on her back and breasts. How should the police respond?

Section B

1. Write a haiku about pain.

2. Complete this paragraph, "I am a submissive/switch/dominant (delete as appropriate) because ... The final paragraph should contain EXACTLY 100 words.

3. Write a short story or poem that illustrates the sensuality of submission.


Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Festive Reading

If the festivities all get too much for you ...

... then why not find a quiet corner and browse through some of the "Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2014".

There are many that I know but also lots that I don't. It looks like fun reading.

Monday, 22 December 2014

Festive Greetings

Wishing all of my readers the compliments of the season. I hope you find some peace and tranquility as well as lots of fun. Beau has posted slightly more scurrilous festive greetings here.

I will not have time to write much more before I return to Shanghai straight after Christmas.

I have however drafted and scheduled one more post. It is in the way of being a New Years quiz which many UK newspapers often set at this time of year. However I have done it in the style of a college examination paper. It is intended as a bit of fun but has a serious element to it. If you would like to have a go then you could write your response in the comments or on your own blog if you have one. If you would prefer to email it then send it direct to me at beaudejournee@yahoo.co.uk (my gmail accounts work less well in China but should now divert to the yahoo account anyway.)

I have scheduled the post to appear on New Years Eve.

If you write your response on your blog I would be very grateful if you were able to send me a copy as Blogger and Wordpress are difficult to access in China.

Good luck

Pygar/Beau


Thursday, 18 December 2014

back from Shanghai

Not had time to discover much of kink in Shanghai though I am sure it exists. There is a group on Fetlife. I haven't mastered the software yet though to get through the new Great Wall of China - of Internet control and censorship.

Since I got home I have exchanged a few online words with some Shanghai kinksters so maybe I will get up to some more fun there soon. I also started a discussion with a Shanghai blogger. Do check out her very interesting blog Consensual Roughness with lots of good discussions. (You can find the discussion section by clicking on Rough House.) I think you might like it ...


Wednesday, 17 December 2014

being really scared

Bitch recently commented as anonymous on a previous post scared.

I was interested to reread the previous comments on this post. It was quite fascinating. The notion of fear within the bdsm dynamic could possibly be quite central. I don't want Inès to fear me but by coincidence I found myself a few days ago fantasising about causing fear to a sub.

Bitch also brought into the discussion the issue of being strong but wanting to totally let go into submission.

I may post her question soon on Uncle Agony.



Thursday, 4 December 2014

some sad news

I am sorry to start my first post on my return from Shanghai with some sad news

An online friend wrote to me a few weeks ago to let me know that David who wrote the blog DSinVegas - A View From The Top had sadly passed away. I did not know David well but we had corresponded a few times over the years.

I know of others who have disappeared from the internet and close online friends have never go to know what was the reason. So if you think you have readers of your own blog who may have known David perhaps you might pass on the sad news.

Thank you.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Tomorrow ...

... I catch the plane to Shanghai via Istanbul.

I am not sure how easy access to Blogger is from there or how much time I will have for posting. So I may be saying cheerio until the end of November. Do pop in occasionally though in case I have found an opportunity to post.

I had planned a special post to keep you thoughtful and active while I am away but I'm afraid that preparations and other complications have not left me time. Who knows though - perhaps I will write it in Shanghai. I think you will find it interesting.

If you are in Shanghai - then drop me a line.

Have fun while I am away.

P xx

Sunday, 3 August 2014

fetish

Hey - I'm not in Shaghai yet, but I am going to Hamburg for a week. While I'm away any thoughts on the topic of 'fetish'?

BDSM seems inextricably linked with domination and submission. How though does fetish link in to this? Some fetishes - like a foot fetish for instance - seem to have little directly to do with D/s. However feet kissing for instance could be seen as a very submissive act.

Is is sometimes to do with the sensuality of things like leather, latex, rope, chains that are often used in a BDSM scenario?

Is fetish part of your relationship? Is it intrinsically linked to the dominant/submissive or BDSM nature of your relationship or is it totally separate?

Friday, 25 July 2014

gifts

I read a piece on Fetlife recently where a sub was wondering why submission was often said to be a gift. Surely, she wrote, subs submit because they get something out of it. In that sense they are doing it for themselves. D/s relationships exist because each is getting satisfaction and fulfilment from it.

Her argument seemed very sound but part of me felt that there was something so powerful about submission that it at least felt like a gift. I wrote a comment to that effect and I finished by wondering if domination was then a gift too.

Then I looked back on this blog and discovered I had written almost exactly the same thing three years ago here. Then many subs described domination as a gift also. What do readers think now. Is there something special about submission that makes it a unique gift - or can dominance be a gift too?

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Shanghai

In a few weeks I am hoping to be going to China for most of the following 12 months. I am not planning to keep my blogs active while I am away. If you are from Shanghai or know the city well do write to say hi!

I have only one draft post ready before I go. So if there are any topics that you would like to see discussed here or old topics that you feel could be revisited then do write and let me know.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

trust, intensity and safety

I had a number of interesting conversations at a recent munch. In one I was chatting with two guys. I agreed with one who said that the nature of trust in D/s relations made for a high level of intimacy and commitment. However the other disagreed.

I had described the trust necessary to allow someone to tie you and place yourself totally in their power. However he argued that was no more trusting than inviting a stranger in for a coffee after a few drinks in a bar having met for the first time. He felt this was possibly even more trusting. After all - are not those in the D/s scene actually more trustworthy people?

So would you trust a Dom more than any other passing psychopath? Is trusting a Dom no more dangerous than the trust needed to be alone with someone after one or two meetings? So is the level of trust in D/s no greater than in other relationships and therefore the intensity of the relationship no greater?

Thursday, 3 July 2014

style ...

Perhaps it is all a mater of style.

I was thinking about this initially because of a question I was asked about brattiness by libby which I answered here. I have written previously specifically about brattiness and you can read my thoughts here and here. However on this occasion I found myself comparing styles of submission. There are those who like to be forced into submission. This is not exclusive to those who describe themselves as brats or who are into brattish styles of behaviour. There are others who enjoy the experience of being forced, who like to have their will challenged and broken, who like the element of fight before they are overpowered, who enjoy a battle of wills and seeing their own controlling instincts broken down. Some just like to be broken.

I am not sure though that I am the kind of Dom who enjoys this fight. Don't get me wrong - I do like strong women. Most of my subs have been strong and powerful women in their own way and often very controlling themselves in their instincts. However I do not want constant battles.

Rather than being forced into submitting to my desires I want them instead to plead to be allowed to try to meet them. I love a sub who learns to plead prettily to meet my needs and does so eagerly with enthusiasm.

Is this just a matter of style or is it a more fundamental difference?

Thursday, 26 June 2014

revisiting "shame"

I wrote about 'shame' earlier this year here. It was stimulated from comments to a post about humiliation. In the comments two subs, Missus Whore and ara, wrote about how they got off on shame as part of the D/s dynamic. It was seen as being almost a positive feeling, state or experience that they worked through.

In comments to a more recent post, Ana H. and Lea also wrote about shame. However their thoughts about shame were more related to shame about themselves or about themselves as a submissive.

This seemed very different. There seems to be a contrast between shame as part of submission rather than being shameful about one's submission. The former seemed to have the potential to be a positive fulfilling part of play whereas the latter seemed to have an inherent negative character.

For myself I would prefer if shame had no part in the dynamic. I would love D/s to be a positive and life affirming activity for all who engage in it. I am though too idealistic and realise that many people's lives and personalities are far more complex than that. Perhaps because of my own desire that I want my sub to be shameless I find it hard to get my head around the nuances here. Have I got it right? Is there a positive as well as a negative aspect of humiliation that can come to the fore in D/a play? Can a Dom understand these distinctions and help alleviate negative aspects of shame yet emphasise positive ones?

...

 Ana has beat me to it in a comment this morning to the previous post here.

I will copy her thoughts into a new comment to this post to help continuity and perhaps inspire further discussion.

- P

Thursday, 19 June 2014

can D/s help support those with a desire to self-harm?

Ana wrote two very interesting comments about self-harm here and here.
"In my case, I crave the pain. I dream of it, I write of it... but I am in a strictly vanilla relationship. I will never get what it is that I really want, so I find other ways. I can only imagine the high one must feel when one combines the joy of pain with the ecstasy of an orgasm. Submission is intriguing to me in a literary way but it doesn't please me as much as it does some of my friends. We all have different needs. I'm curious as to how a dom has handled a sub who wants to self-harm and needs the pain? "

and

"The challenge I see is that one self-harms for a number of reasons. For me, it is an escape from reality, but at the same time a reconnection. Odd, I know. The escape is from the overwhelming emotions I feel. The reconnection is to stop feeling numb and start feeling pain. It is an incredible release but at the same time I know how wrong it is. I've often wondered if a Dom had a Sub who felt this way, how he would control it, would he even try to? Would he replace it with pain that he delivers? If a Dom is supposed to know and take care of all of a Sub's needs, I'd think that taking care of her self-harm urges would be part of that. I'm also curious that if a Sub was destructive in a mild way - not sleeping, not eating well, self-harming, small elements of self-abuse - how would a Dom deal with that? Punishment would only please the Sub who felt that way, as one of the reasons she would act out would be to be punished. I realize that there is a bevy of punishments that are not painful, but when one self-harms, it's not *just* about the pain. It's also about the failure, the punishment, and the redemption. It's an interesting grey area, one that could be dangerous if not handled well. In that way, the Sub could not be trusted, if she could not even take care of herself at a base level. Late night musings from someone who should know better yet doesn't. Kindly, Ana "

I do see a difference between this and self harm. I have discussed it a few times on the blog. I have found such posts here, here and here.

 It is a very difficult area and I think the points Ana makes are very apposite.

I am interested too in finding answers to the questions she asks as I know I certainly do not have them all. I would be very interested to find the views of others who may have direct experience.

Ana seems to be hoping that a D/s relationship might help her meet her desire to self harm but in a more constructive way? Is this a realistic expectation? Have others found it worked for them?

Thursday, 12 June 2014

slave or submissive?

On  previous post here Ana wrote an interesting comment about terminology.
"Pygar - as a long time lurker, I look forward to your next post. One thing I'd like to ask is are there Doms/Subs who don't like the Master/Slave title/role? For me, there is something very demeaning about the slave title or role, not criticizing those who thrive in it, but I can't imagine it for me. My exposure comes mostly from stories and porn, both of which are notoriously inaccurate. Still I wonder are there people out there who see a D/S relationship as more than just a Master/Slave? Perhaps it is just titles, but slave to me implies leaving everything behind, including my intellect and desires. Being completely out of control. Whereas Submissive means I give my control to my Dom - freely and happily, not as a slut (again, apologies to those who like the term, I don't) but as a highly intelligent, educated, skilled woman who wants to give her Dom the greatest gift she can. Perhaps it is all just terminology? Ana "

I think of my relationships as Dom/sub rather than Master/slave. I have written about slavery before here.  I also found a draft post that I never finished which described how I felt almost captivated and possessed by the beauty and submission of someone I was very close to at the time. Then I found another draft post about ownership. I tend to promote self-ownership rather than the kind of ownership by another that can lead to damage or harm.

The slave/sub debate may, as Ana suggests, just be terminology, However language is important and using different words can represent real differences in attitude, commitment and behaviour.

I think that Ana's descriptions of the differences between slave and sub are very perceptive and to my mind pretty accurate. It would be interesting to know the views of others - particularly perhaps those who would describe themselves as 'slave' rather than 'sub'.