Thursday, 1 December 2016


A recent email to Uncle Agony (here) and the replies to it got me thinking. The submissive writer and her dominant partner were both new to BDSM. They were each exploring their needs and trying to take on their respective roles. She, the submissive, was though becoming concerned that she was being tasked to do things that were close to or beyond her limits so was  worried that the dominance might be getting close to abuse. There were some very good replies from readers offering excellent insight and helpful advice. I began to worry though about how prevalent this might be. The sub writer had developed concerns and had at least tried to get advice and support from writing to Uncle Agony.  I know others who sadly only recognised their abuse many years later when the hurt was greater and had had a huge affect on their lives not to mention their self image and self esteem.

In some cases this abuse may come from a dominant partner who is manipulative and who has no thought or care for their submissive partner other than using them for their own needs. Such a partner will lower the self esteem of their submissive by encouraging them to believe it is their own fault through not being submissive enough.

However there may well be other cases where it is just lack of knowledge on the part of both partners. A new dominant may feel that they have to express themselves in such a way to show little account of the needs or desires of their submissive partner. "It is what I want that is important." Whereas the submissive who is struggling to obey commands may feel that they are just not being a good submissive and must try harder. The effect in the end will be similar to the first scenario with lack of self esteem and an abusive relationship developing even though that was not the original intention of either of the two.

We were all new to this once. There may be those who were lucky and who met an experienced dominant who was caring and understanding and who supported their submissive through their journey. It is perhaps more unusual though for a dominant to be able to learn from a submissive in such a way. How does a new dominant gain the wisdom to guide and support  a submissive along what can be a very difficult and apprehensive path?

So how do we get started in a safe way - emotionally, psychologically and physically?

How can we encourage those new to BDSM to seek help and advice and where do we advise them to seek it?

Thursday, 24 November 2016

coming soon...

First an apology...

I had a new post in kind for this week but haven't yet had time to write it. Thar's even though I started expressing some of my thoughts in a Comment on Uncle Agony and in an email to a friend. The thoughts were stimulated by thinking through the comments to the recent Uncle Agony post. I know I will not have time to write my new post over the weekend so will try to get it here on Thursday next week.

In the meantime do pop over an have a look at that post and the helpful, interesting comments and see if it sparks any thoughts off for you too. You can find that post here.

See you soon...

Thursday, 17 November 2016

avoiding abuse when new to BDSM

I seem to have been discussing potential abuse within BDSM a lot recently so it was interesting to receive an email recently from someone describing herself as a "New Sub" which raised that issue in the email header. She and her partner are both new to the world of BDSM and are in a new relationship. That clearly brings about lots of very understandable fears.

You can read what she has to say on Uncle Agony here.

There are always difficulties in a new relationship. New BDSM relationships are no exception to that. However where both are new to BDSM as well then there is possibly potential for further difficulties and, as Blackpurse said in her header, "abuse".

Do readers have any constructive advice they can give her? If so do visit Uncle Agony and comment there. Thanks.

Thursday, 10 November 2016

Tell me another secret...

When I asked readers to "Tell me a secret" several of you were kind enough and brave enough to do so. And I kept my promise. I didn't tell anyone - well apart from all the readers of this blog - obviously!

So will you tell me another secret? Go on. Just between you and me (and all our readers.)

Is there something that you secretly wish your Dom would do but do not like to tell them. Perhaps it is just too...

Or as a Dom do you have something secret planned for your sub - when you feel they are ready for it...

Or maybe you are secretly fearful of something that your Dom might decide to do that you know will be just too difficult for you.

Again - do tell...

Thursday, 3 November 2016


The internet is not a place known for its kindness. One hears more and more reports about trolling and abuse. In fact I have suffered from it myself on different forums but fortunately not here.

When I set up this blog I expected to have to put up with a certain amount of abuse - if only from those who would regard kindness and domination as being incompatible. There are also those others who feel there is only one true way to be involved in D/s or BDSM or DD or whatever and would take exception to my views. Fortunately I have had none of that.

Instead I have found on this and my previous Beau blog nothing but kindness and friendship. Through those friendships I became involved in other online creative erotic projects such as Dragonfly Geisha. Some friendships turned into deep online and, in one case, real life relationships.

There are kind and supportive networks to be found on the internet that can be a boon to those who feel lost and alone.

I was reminded of that kindness in the response to my previous post. I have heard from readers who recognised the blogger I was referring to in my last post. They too remembered her fondly and wished her well. If she ever reads this post I hope she will know that there are old friends from the internet who remember her fondly wish her well.

Thursday, 27 October 2016


The other day I found myself thinking about a blogging friend from many years ago. She and I used to exchange comments on each others blogs, we wrote bits of erotica for each other and created online games. She had a new Dom and was revelling in the adventure. She wrote about it with excitement. She asked readers to write in with suggested scenarios they would act out and she promised to try out the most imaginative and write up what happened.

He was married from a different part of the country and his wife was unaware. My blogging friend delighted in being his plaything. He visited her city regularly for work so they had plenty of time to play.

As the relationship developed it became more serious. Her commitment was total and he took advantage of that. Things that had previously been hard limits were crossed time and time again. She recorded it all, her humiliations, her beatings and her suffering.

The beatings got more severe and with a growing variety of cruel implements. She drank his urine each morning. She carried out his email commands without question, exposing herself in public places at his command. She played with other women. They played together with other couples where she was shared with the other man and as was the other woman for sex and for pain. He made her dye her blond hair black. Later she was commanded to shave it all off. She was given a very ugly tattoo. She was lent out to other men for sex. She was lent out to many men for group sex and humiliation.

All of this was documented regularly on her blog.

She was an intelligent woman who worked in a professional job. Part of her job was to support abused woman so she was not aware of the issues.

And then he left her.

She was no longer the relatively innocent, fun loving sub who had entered the relationship. I exchanged a couple of emails with her afterwards and she had clearly learned a lot and was trying to rebuild her life in positive ways.

That was long ago. I wonder how she is now and whether she has left the world of submission and BDSM or whether she has discovered someone else more worthy of her devotion. Perhaps I should seek out her email address and write to her again in friendship.

We all change. Experiences change us. Sometimes that is for good, though not perhaps always. It is good to always try to learn from experience.

I suppose he was changed as well as her.

I have changed over the years a lot. Not from an experience like this but certainly through relationships with close and special friends. I wonder when you reflect on change in your own life what were the positive factors and can you find growth too in the negative factors.

Thursday, 20 October 2016

on breaking trust...

"i've learned that trust is like glass. once broken, no matter how you put it back together, you can still see the cracks"

I came across this quote by chance on Twitter. It had been retweeted by someone who had liked one of my tweets. She seemed to be going through a relationship break up and no doubt these words had a resonance for her.

It made me reflect on the fact that I and others often reflect in discussions here on how important trust is in a BDSM relationship. It is central to all BDSM relationships. It is perhaps essential in certain play situations and in giving someone complete control.

We are though all human. Sometimes things go wrong. We make mistakes. Sometimes we can do things we later regret. Sometimes this could have an impact on trust. If one begins to have even a doubt in relation to trust what impact might this have on a BDSM or D/s relationship?

If you have ever had your trust shaken in someone have you been able to rescue the relationship?

In a BDSM or D/s relationship if trust is once broken will the cracks always be visible or can it be completely repaired. Is it possible to continue a D/s or BDSM relationship when the cracks are still visible? Is there always doubt after trust has been shaken? Is that always the end... ?

I wonder if any readers would be prepared to share their personal experiences of this and how it was resolved?

Thursday, 13 October 2016

on receiving pleasure...

In the last post here I pondered on whether it was the role of a sub to seek out ways of pleasing their Dom or rather focus on making themselves available for the Dom to take their pleasure. A sub friend wrote to say she had found the answers in her head bouncing from one side to the other. She ended with wondering how I would have answered - from the Dom's perspective.

So here is my own view on this. However this is clearly only what I would like. Each Dom will have their own preferences - which may even be different with different submissives depending on their nature and their special skills! I may also not be at all typical.

I do like a sub to be active in seeking to please me. I hesitate to use the word "just" after Jz's great comment to the previous post. However just being available, without any active intent, I find too passive. I like strong women. Strong women don't wait to be told what to do. They seek out ways of pleasing. Their strength may occasionally need subduing. I don't seek that, as perhaps some Dom's do, but I recognise it as part of the package. And perhaps that subduing can also be made into fun for both.

Yes, as Jz implied, a sub's efforts to please a Dom may be influenced by what gives them pleasure. However I have no problem with that. I have no fear of "topping from the bottom". If that becomes an issue it soon becomes apparent and can be addressed. I want my submissive to gain pleasure. If she can gain pleasure in pleasing me then the more she will want to continue giving me pleasure. Surely that is a win-win scenario. I think any caring Dom wants their sub to be happy and fulfilled and yes, that will surely include ensuring that she gains pleasure too - though in some contexts that may be through pain!

I found Dani's comment very special when she wrote "If I have a choice, I'd rather give pleasure than receive it any day but whatever my Dom wants I'm open to explore."

I am sure any Dom would welcome that attitude and approach in their submissive. What more could one want? Though I do like my subs to be open to receiving pleasure and not feel guilty about it. If I want to give them pleasure then I will give them pleasure. I gain pleasure from that too - especially in determining the amount and intensity of that pleasure.

I think too that Dani's final sentence should apply equally to dominants and submissives,

"If you care about someone and are intimate with them their happiness and pleasure should be a focus I'd think."

Thursday, 6 October 2016

on giving pleasure...

If you are a submissive, do you like to please? Is that not what you are for?

Do you go out of your way to please? Do you constantly think of ways to please your dominant? Are you imaginative in seeking out new ways to give pleasure?

Or are you just there, available, for your  dominant to take their pleasure whenever, however, they want?

Thursday, 29 September 2016

how to please a sadist... ?

I recently had a new comment to an old post about sadism. You can read the thread here.

In the comment Anonymous asked, "Is there any advice on how to please Master when He isn't hurting me?"

There will be lots of ways sumissives find to please their Master. Perhaps any or all of these would suffice. However I wonder if readers have any specific suggestions for ways a masochist could please her sadistic Master...

Thursday, 22 September 2016

Tell me a secret...

Go on.


I won't tell anyone.

I promise.

Do you have a secret sign to celebrate your dominance or submission that is private between the two of you? Something that only you would understand the significance of? For instance a tattoo, or a piece of jewellery. For example I have known subs who wear a certain necklace or choker as a symbol of a collar, a special ring, a charm on a chain that is a lock. Or perhaps it is something hidden beneath clothes.

Do tell...

Thursday, 15 September 2016


Often discussions on this blog, including some recent ones, seem almost to predispose a loving D/s relationship as being key. I know I often talk about trust and communication as being so important. Also central seems to be an empathy and care for the needs of another. This has often seemed to imply a loving relationship and many commenters are fortunate in having such a relationship within which they can explore their needs safely.

But surely a "loving relationship" isn't really necessary. I have played with friends successfully where we were "just good friends". Yes, trust and understanding have to be built up, but not necessarily love.

It would be unusual nowadays to presume love before a sexual relationship started so is it not just the same for a BDSM or D/s relationship? Cannot BDSM buddies exist in the same way as sex buddies? Perhaps I am stating the obvious but it has recently struck me that some of my discussions on here seemed to imply love as part of what made D/s possible in a serious context. Surely that is not the case?

Or is it that the aftercare needed following an extreme session needs truly loving care? Does love make so much more possible? Is it possible to have a 24/7 non-abusive relationship that is not loving?

Ae you in love with your Dom or your sub? Does it matter?

Wednesday, 7 September 2016


In a comment to my previous post humiliation, needs and likesLea wrote,"It takes quite a person indeed to be able to humiliate but still retain the loving part of the relationship."

That has had me thinking about a few things.

The D/s lifestyle and BDSM activities include many things that would be anathema in normal society. How can one humiliate or cause physical, emotional or psychological pain to someone on a regular or ongoing way and call it a loving relationship?

From the outside it must seem impossible or at the very least peculiar and strange. I am sure many would assume such relationships are abusive - and in some cases I know they truly are from correspondents who came to realise that was the nature of their relationship and then chose to do something about it.

For many perhaps such activities are kept within boundaries and the trust and respect and desire to meet each others needs in an equal way is what characterises them as loving relationships. Many though live D/s (and other classifications that better describe the full nature of their relationship) on a daily basis. It is then not a separate activity with clear boundaries but an essential part of the relationship.

How in 24/7 relationships does one ensure that the barriers between respect and abuse are not crossed? The Dom has clear responsibilities here. But he is the one with the power. And, as Lea wrote, it takes quite a person indeed...

Many relationships, like mine, are on a continuum between in the bedroom only and 24/7 lifestyle. That may be from choice or from practical constraints such as family, social contacts and employment. I wonder though if the closer one is towards the 24/7 lifestyle end of the spectrum the harder it may be to retain that essential love and care and the more danger of it degenerating into abuse.

I have found it hard to find the right words for this post. Do I have it totally wrong? How can one ensure that love, care and respect are truly there when activities of hurt and humiliation are also key parts of the relationship?

Thursday, 1 September 2016


I'm away at the moment.

Back next week, all being well.

Thursday, 25 August 2016

humiliation, needs and likes

The most visited post on this blog is titled Humiliation. That in itself is fascinating.

I started to think about it in terms of our recent discussions about needs and likes. Can someone actively like being humiliated? Where it is desired is it because if fulfills some deep down need? Is humiliation a way of creating a deep feeling of submission to another? Is humiliating another a way of exerting power and control in a strong way? Is it a psychological equivalent of a severe beating?

Are there any readers who like or need to be humiliated? There were several in response to the first post.