Wednesday, 27 June 2018

on being judgemental...

There was an interesting discussion on my last post 'being judgemental...'

I was prepared to receive some flack in the comments but it developed some interesting points. For instance Neriche had experience of women who had been abused in the past discovering a safe place in the BDSM world. Jz made it clear she felt it was fine to be speak ones mind about things one believes to be wrong and that was not the same as "being judgemental". So that gives me my justification!

One of the issues I was trying to address was that of lifestyle relationships in particular. I suppose I am worried about where the line lies between genuinely happy and caring BDSM relationships and those where the dynamic might be manipulated by a Dom and has an underlying abusive element. Abby had something to say about that and also Bleue though she also pointed out the abuse she has seen in play settings.

One of the things that prompted my post was having had long conversations with women who had come to recognise that their BDSM lifestyle relationships were in fact abusive and walked out. This is not a simple and easy action for a sub, both emotionally and physically. It can have a long term impact in many ways.

Dani was one such and has posted her response here. She is a strong and brave woman who has suffered a lot in many ways and who was in extreme danger at more than one time. I suppose I worry about those subs who may not be as strong, brave and determined as she was.

Wednesday, 30 May 2018

being judgemental...

OK this one may be controversial so after I press "Publish" I may go and hide behind the sofa for a while. But here goes...

I was going to start with, "I try not to be judgemental...".

But - no - I don't consciously try not to be judgemental about other people's lifestyles. I hope that I am genuinely NOT judgemental about other people's lifestyles as long as they are not harming others. In fact I try to be positive about their rights to live their lives in a way that is fulfilling to them, that makes them happy, content, satisfied, fulfilled, replete.

However, I did say, "as long as they are not harming others." 

*Sighs and takes a deep breath before daring to continue*

I know that within that I have always included, "as long as they are not harming each other."

And there is the rub. My definition of that may be very different to others. I know from emails from readers that they have reassessed their relationships after reading this blog. (I am sure that was not the only factor.) In fact I know of two women who have divorced their husbands after coming to a recognition that their relationships were not appropriately D/s but were in fact abusive.

My definition of "harm" may be different from that of others. We have discussed abuse on here lots and had recent discussions for instance about body modification, etc. There are demands from a Dom that can be just wrong. They may be in terms of physical demands. How strong does a beating have to be before it becomes abusive? Who gets to decide that? Do take into account the power dynamic within the relationship and emotional bonds before answering.

What about the relationship itself? Where something is happening within a "play" setting, it can kind of be switched on and off. One can discuss afterwards to point out where things went wrong and expect that not to be repeated. Guidelines and limits can be set out clearly in advance and revised when necessary. But if it is a lifestyle choice then how do the limits work then? Who makes the decisions? Always the Dom? But if it is a Master/slave or Domestic Discipline/1950s household type of relationship then how does that work?

When I believe that people being slaves or being controlled and beaten within a relationship is wrong in a vanilla setting then what makes it right if it appears to be exactly the same dynamic but has been given a label of Kink or BDSM or D/s or M/s or whatever? Can those labels themselves become an excuse for unscrupulous people to abuse others? That should also apply to emotional/psychological control and in relation to equality issues.

If I think a certain lifestyle situation is not ethical am I not right to call it out whether or not it is being self classified as BDSM? I know regular readers will see this post in the the context of what has gone before over many years. However I appeal to new or passing readers to recognise that this is not an attack on the BDSM scene from outside but a genuine attempt to address important issues within the community.

(Whilst I have written here with the implication of male dominant and female sub, as always I recognise the situations arise in gender relations of all sexual orientations.)

*Rushes now to hide behind the sofa.*

Sunday, 20 May 2018

power dynamics...

I have recently watched a film, 'The Duke of Burgundy'. I had not heard of it before and was surprised at this as it has had some good reviews. It describes a lesbian D/s relationship and investigates the power play within it in a very interesting way.

I wondered if any readers of this blog had seen it and what they thought of it. I wondered too if others might have found the issues about the dynamic interesting and thought provoking?

Friday, 11 May 2018

more thoughts on objectification...

I'm just going to add a few more thoughts to my previous post about objectification.

Inès sometimes works as an artists' life model. Most of her work is naked. Her body is just there to be drawn or painted. She is just a still life, an object. Quite literately as it is important to the artists that she maintains that exact position without moving. For some artists it is just a technical challenge to try to represent what they can see with some accuracy and expression.

For the model it is slow torture. Keeping a still pose for hours creates pain - even in a simple sitting pose. The bones start to press through the flesh into the seat. Imagine a standing pose with a twist, or a pose where one part of the body is pressing into another. Imagine doing it for hours. Imagine not being able to move. She is not just an object but also in pain - not recognised by most of the artists.

Then of course there are the final drawings, concentrating on all the interesting bits - the folds of flesh, the jutting bones, sometimes making one look quite grotesque. It can be humiliating.

So - a perfect job for a masochistic exhibitionist who enjoys being objectified and humiliated. Perhaps a perfect job for submissives everywhere. Any takers?

Sunday, 29 April 2018


I am not particularly a fan of latex and rubber or that particular kink. However I was recently introduced to a website which included some well shot short video clips of women dressed in tight fitting rubber latex mostly with a BDSM theme.

I found the tight figure hugging and figure forming nature of the clothing attractive. What got me thinking though was that with the face masks that were part of it - there was a dehumanising aspect to it which created a strong objectification. That made me wonder whether rather than a fetish for the materials themselves it was that objectification aspect which made it so attractive in a D/s or BDSM context. Though for me BDSM is very personal, that is part of the point and the pleasure of it.

I wonder if others have thoughts about this. Do you have experience of this kind of fetish wear? Do you find it attractive in others? Do you find it erotic? Does this come from the look and feel of it - or is the objecification aspect part of the pleasure?

Sunday, 22 April 2018


This post is triggered by radio segment I was listening to recently. There was a discussion of domestic abuse and when and how to intervene.

If a friend or a work colleague had a black eye one would be concerned and ask how they got it. The "walked into a door" answer may well be true but can sometimes cause suspicion. A sympathetic response is all that may be needed. However if facial bruising starts to occur with increasing frequency then one may feel a need to offer greater support - just the person knowing you are there to listen if necessary, perhaps, or maybe a more questioning response expressing concern and offering advice and/or support.

Within many domestic abuse cases the, abuse if not actually consensual, is recognised as part of a relationship which they need or value. One cannot make the person seek help or leave the relationship. Offers of support may often be rejected.

But what if the marks are not on the face but elsewhere on the body. Most often they would not be noticed. Regular bruising to the buttocks would only be noticed in a more intimate relationship. Yet these bruises may be nothing to worry about but part of a loving BDSM or D/s relationship. We have heard from subs who enjoy being marked or bruised to show off  their submission. So we would presumably regard that as being ok.

In an earlier post I discussed a woman who'd had significant cosmetic surgery as part of her BDSM relationship. This was I assume completely consensual at the time. However in the comments the discussion tended to take the view that this was not acceptable.

Which gets me to my question - "when..."

When should one be concerned? When should one start to express such concern? All these cases have a large element of consent though may not be enjoyed at the time. Even scenes in BDSM relationships may not be 'enjoyed' at the time. So is that then all ok? Some are clearly unacceptable and wrong. Surely there comes a time when one is concerned, worried and wondering how best to offer support. Or are we just then being nosy and interfering?

When should we risk the rejection of a friend or colleague and express serious concern?

And how should one go about it?

Sunday, 15 April 2018

the inquisitiveness of the vanilla world

In an earlier post I talked of some questions from the vanilla world. There was a part of the thread of comments that wondered if the original correspondent who had many questions secretly desired to experience the world of BDSM.

However Jz in her comment here wrote:
I actually have been peppered with questions by more than one of my friends who aren't kinky but aren't afraid to ask why I am... which is why I did, I'll admit, get a bit twitchy at the assumptions that Anon's curiosity must be based in a secret desire to try it. That may often be the case but it is not invariably so. Some people are naturally of a curious bent. (As one friend said, "We aren't nosey, just interested!")

Which got me wondering about the interest of the vanilla world about the world of Kink and BDSM.

I am sure there are some who are curious because they wonder if there might be aspects that they would enjoy. Much of the edge of BDSM and kink is finding its way into popular fantasy through the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon. Perhaps some people's sexual interest has been piqued. I think also for some BDSM is a fantasy but may always remain just that.

There will be others though like the correspondent and Jz's friends who have no interest in partaking but are fascinated completely because of the fact that they just don't get it. Their interest is not because they think they might like it but exactly the opposite - they can't understand why anyone would like it! A friend watched the Lars Von Trier film Nymphomaniac and thought that the masochistic beating scene was what typically happened in a BDSM relationship so we were keen to disabuse her of that mistake! There may be many other misunderstandings - or just a complete incomprehension of the psychology and emotional aspects of it.

Or perhaps there is a continuum between those who are secretly interested and those who are horrified by the thought of it.

Have you ever discussed it with vanilla friends? Where did they fit onto this spectrum?

Tuesday, 3 April 2018

marks of submission...

As a submissive do you enjoy something to mark your submission? As a dominant to you enjoy your sub being marked in a way that shows her submission? These signs can be important to some.

Sometimes it may be just pleasure in the marks left from a scene - rope marks perhaps or the weal left by a stroke of the cane.

Perhaps you have something more permanent, a collar or other special thing you wear constantly. For some they may be just worn when alone to help move into that mind-space.

Might it be something more permanent? A tattoo perhaps?

Who has been marked? Does it give you pleasure?

Tuesday, 27 March 2018

body modification again

When I wrote about humiliation recently I pointed out that my original post on Humiliation was one of the most visited on the blog. The next most visited, interestingly is about body-modification.

There are quite few quotes and some discussion but the examples given were mostly of piercings and weight control. The most extreme was perhaps the weight loss of a sub who I knew whose Dom had her reduce her weight extremely dramatically.

There seemed general agreement that plastic surgery was a hard limit. I wonder then what readers think of this from a profile on Fetlife,

"I Must Live With the Results of Several Forced Cosmetic "DOLL" Surgeries:
Bondage and whippings, CP, (but not beatings), when deserved, are essential to a Sadistic Master and sub relationship built on trust. Punishment and discipline may be necessary to encourage me to do as I am told, or for his pleasure. But, when trust is abused, so is the submissive. A relationship that leaves one with irreversible cosmetic “DOLL” surgeries utters abuse as well. Since I cannot change what was done to me, I now am a living doll whore.

I have learnt to accept my modified DOLL body and face. I am trying my best to keep it acceptable and that activity, like a job, occupies much of my time, and helps define my life except for my sometimes annoying fake rubber doll BOOBS and permanent RINGS."

Though the sub concerned seems again to have put herself in a very vulnerable position, yet seems to revel in that situation. So there is part of her perhaps who likes being that "doll whore".

She describes what was done to her as abuse - and I think it was. I wonder if there are readers who have had plastic surgery as part of their D/s relationship or other serious body modification - or are a Dom who has required it?

Can this ever be justifiable or is it always abuse?

Sunday, 18 March 2018


In a previous post a little while ago about humiliation Jz wrote here that while humiliation just didn't work for her in a scene, "vulnerability works ever-so well!"

That got me thinking about vulnerability. I'm not sure I have completed my thoughts on it so perhaps readers can help me with their own thoughts.

From a Dominants point of view a sense of vulnerability in a partner can be very attractive. Perhaps it is just the fact that they have trusted you so deeply as to put themselves in that situation in relation to you. It somehow seems to imply a strong emotional bond. I suppose any one to one bondage play provides this situation. However there can be something just in demeanour at any time that can give this impression of vulnerability and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Though in a wider sense it can be a problem. Where someone is described as 'vulnerable' it may be that we are worried about them - that perhaps they are in danger of being take advantage of or even abused. Perhaps it is this danger in being vulnerable that gives it its power when placed in a context of trust and perceived safety. Or to truly be 'vulnerable', does there have to be a slight fear that things might not go exactly as one planned or hoped?

How does it feel though to be vulnerable. What is the attraction for Jz and others who can delight in its frisson? What does it feel like? Can it turn from a positive feeling to a negative one? How does one keep the positive feeling and avoid the negative one? It is important for a Dom to have some awareness of this. It is clearly important that a delightful sense of vulnerability in a scene does not suddenly turn into fear and distress.

Any thoughts?

Saturday, 10 March 2018


I have been thinging about this a lot recently in a variety of contexts.

I am sure I have written on here before about the importance of touch. I have been thinking about it recently and discussing it with friends partly in relation to the variety of discussion that has led from the #metoo movement and consequences in the UK at least where allegations of inappropriate touching - interpreted as sexual harassment or assault - have led to serious consequences for the people concerned, I am not wanting to get into that debate in this post. However I think it has made people more concious of the way they touch others and the appropriateness of that.

There is a positive side to that in that men in particular need to understand that there are occasions where physical contact is not welcome or appropriate and may be extremely unwelcome. However there is a negative side where touching can become forbidden in many contexts as a way of ensuring that no physical contact is inappropriate.

This has been developing in the UK for decades - and much of it for very good reasons. Where one is working in a professional context with children, vulnerable people or with the opposite sex on a one to one basis there has been a focus on such issues. Though truly it refers to any human reaction with another - though where there is a power relationship it becomes more of an issue.

Last year I had to have a slightly uncomfortable medical procedure. Whilst it took place a nurse placed her hand on my shoulder and I found that very comforting. Fortified by the medication coursing through my system I made a point of telling her that as I was aware that in some contexts that might have been thought of as inappropriate - perhaps especially if it had been a male nurse and a female patient. The nurse asked me to repeat my thoughts in the comments form I would receive to fill in later as she had already had discussions with the doctor about this.

Perhaps the issue about touching is where it is inappropriate because of a power relationship...

But I will leave that for now. I have gone on far more than intended. I think physical contact between people is important. It is comforting and supportive. I recognise that many women in particular may have had experiences where such hugs have become too intimate and inappropriate. However I think it is important that we find ways of working round that and recognising the value of touch. Hugs are good.

Do read this article that prompted me to write again about this issue:

No hugging: are we living through a crisis of touch?

Wednesday, 7 March 2018

hypnosis and control

Recently I came across a some adult oriented videos about hypnosis. In several of them the hypnotist brought the subject to orgasm just through the power of suggestion. The subjects all seemed to have enjoyed themselves (some of them very much so!)

There was one site I cam across though where the hypnotist was promoting private videos he had made with a number of women where they were hypnotised to orgasm, many of them in a bdsm type of context. Interestingly he used some of the techniques of a Dom - such as saying "good girl" etc, though he was trying to create a D/s context.

It might just be because I found him slightly sleezy that I was a little uncomfortable about the videos. Some years ago I was at a performance where one of the acts was a hypnotist. There was nothing adult about this performance but again I found myself a bit uncomfortable about it. All the participants were volunteers but I did not like the way that they were being made foolish. For instance one man was asked to say something special to his girlfriend. He got down on one knee and proposed marriage to her. At this she was very shocked and clearly unhappy about his proposal! In some of the adult videos the hypnotist encouraged (tricked?) the subjects into intimate contact with him. I am sure parameters will have been discussed beforehand and if the subjects had been unhappy with the final product no doubt he would not have wanted to publish it. He was also using techniques to encourage women to orgasm that helped him get past their natural reticence. For some this may have been great - and was in some achieving a quality of orgasm they said they had not experienced before. I can imagine it might be brilliant to help some women achieve orgasm who may not have been able previously for psychological reasons.

There is a but though...

... or maybe it is just a question.

D/s and much BDSM is about different levels of control. It can be about giving oneself completely into the control of another. It is what "power exchange" is all about. This level of hypnosis seemed to be the ultimate in 'control'. The subject has consented to be hypnotised so where is the problem? I think it is that however much it is discussed beforehand the subject cannot know fully all that is going to be done. Once under hypnosis there is no safe-word. Once hypnotised one can no longer give or retract consent. I think given this, some of his actions could have been regarded as sexual assault.

I wonder if I am just being too over the top about this. After all If a sub allows herself to be bound and gagged by her Dom to be used by him in a scene then surely this is no different?

Any thoughts???

Tuesday, 6 March 2018


Ooops - is it really so long since I posted?

You will think I have forgotten you. No of course I haven't done that, just been remarkably busy with other things.

New post tomorrow, I promise.


P xx

Saturday, 10 February 2018

questions from the vanilla world...

I recently had a long comment written in response to an earlier post punishment and domestic discipline. The questions asked seemed to be too far reaching to respond to in another comment - and also worthy of wider discussion. So I posted the comments as an Uncle Agony post here.

I was a bit overwhelmed at first by the range of questions and issues raised. However the core one seems to be about the acceptance of punishment in a Domestic Discipline relationship. It boiled down to her last two words...

"But why?"

The questioner is from the vanilla word, has just discovered BDSM and seems genuine in her eagerness to understand it better. Some of her questions though are interesting and challenging in themselves. I hope readers may find time to pop over to Uncle Agony and read the post and perhaps help to start a discussion which may go some way to enlightening her.

Or as I suggested there - perhaps she just needs to dip in her toe to test the water for herself...

Thursday, 8 February 2018

keeping up

It's been a bit difficult keeping up at the moment but there was a really interesting comment on the Humiliation post I referred to in my last post here.

It was by northierthanthou and you can read his full comment here. My response was here.

In brief he was, I think, looking at the motives of 'humiliation' from both sides and came up with the notion of "making someone feel badly about themselves."  That was something we both felt at least uncomfortable about. I liked his thought about whether it was ok when he asked the question "Is the submissive individual actually humiliated or are they still strong and proud after all?"

A proper post will follow soon - but I would be genuinely interested in any further thoughts on this topic.