Goodbye for now

Forgive me - this is a sudden decision. I need to reflect and refocus.

I am going to cease my main blog activity for a while.

There will be no more posts or comments by Pygar or Beau for the time being. I have a post ready for the Uncle Agony site that I will post soon. After that I may copy any new emails to there but without my comments.

I had thought of closing the sites completely. I did that a few years ago on another blog of mine that was popular then. I had a huge reaction from upset readers. So this time I will leave the blogs open for others to continue to read or comment on. It is just that I will be taking no part for the time being.

I do apologise to all my readers. This has become a popular blog that continues to grow in its readership - and I know that is in part because of the very articulate and knowledgeable contributions in the comments. Thank you all. Thank you for your involvement, your patience and your kindness.

I apologise to friends. I am not far away but I may be a bit quieter for a while.

Again - thank you all

Love

Pygar xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The insecurities of a Dom

When I commented on another blog recently and mentioned my occasional insecurities as a Dom the writer expressed her surprise that Doms to could feel this way.

But we are only human and at times, like anyone else, will feel unsure and even some trepidation. To assume we can automatically fulfil any sub's needs smacks of arrogance. I believe an arrogant Dom can easily become a dangerous Dom.

Uncle Agony has recently received a letter from a new Dom. It is quite a fascinating and honest piece about trying to help his wife awaken her submissive desires whilst developing his own Dom nature. I think it has great potential. He is keen though to have some views from other subs that might help him in wakening his wife's submissive tendencies.

So if any of you who can remember the awakening of your own submissive nature would like to offer advice I know he would be grateful to hear from you - or from others who have supportive comments.

same sex sex

Why is it that many of the most beautiful women on BDSM contact websites all seem to be lesbians? It's not fair!!! If there is such a thing as incarnation then next time round I think I want to be a lesbian. No worries then about whether that erection is going to fail at just the wrong moment! See - even we Doms have our moments of insecurity and self doubt.

Though of course I too would then need to be a very beautiful lesbian to hope to compete with those whose pictures I have seen on the contact websites!

Although I think of myself as being quite adventurous sexually I am though turned off by the notion of male/male encounters. I have more than once had a threesome with two females - and find two women together very arousing. I was once at a group scene where there were just two women and many men but the contact between the men was very limited. So my experience of sex with another man is almost non existent and even the thought of it makes me shudder a little!

However ...

A little while ago I had a scene with a very attractive woman. We did not have full penetrative sex but there was a lot of intimate contact as well as BDSM fun. We'd spent some time together during the day before our intimate time and had lunch, drove around together and chatted about all sorts. We'd shared lots of emails over a period of time. There must have been lots and lots of clues but I didn't pick up on any of them.

It was only later that evening at home that I came to realise that she was a post-op transsexual. It was obvious really. I don't know how I could have missed it. When I realised I felt quite queasy for a while. Some very strange sensations went through me that I feel partly ashamed of. It was my innate prejudices about having sex with a man coming through in a very physical way.

But she wasn't a man. To all intents and purposes she was a fully functional woman. A beautiful woman. But ...

Although I am happy to remain a friend I could not bring myself to be intimate with her again.

It is a failing in me perhaps - something that I should try to get over. If I could come to enjoy sex with men as well as women ... well then that's twice as much fun I suppose. But I'm afraid the thought still makes me shudder.

Another friend has said to me that the transsexual woman should have been open with me about the fact. Part of me agrees (the part that still winces slightly as I recollect my time with her) but part of me thinks that she is proud now to be a woman and should make no apologies for her past male life. I wonder what others think.

guilt and inhibitions

I recently published a letter on Uncle Agony. Christina seems eager to explore new directions but finds she has many inhibitions and hang-ups that make it difficult for her. She feels this is caused by guilt as a result of her upbringing.

I have responded there briefly. I feel that she could be helped to do this if she has a patient and understanding lover and Master. However I have no direct experience of this scenario. If any of you have ideas perhaps you might comment there.

Thanks

- P

variety ...

... is the spice of life they say!

I thought soon after I had started this blog that I had written a post about how I would refer to Doms and subs on here. However I have looked back and can't find it so I'll try to write it now.

I am a male Dom who is attracted to female subs. However I am well aware that there are many situations where the Domme is female and where the the sub is male. Sometimes these may be same sex relationships.

Yes ... I know I am stating the bleeding obvious. However I decided when starting this blog to write in the language of male Dom and female sub. It is because that is my own situation and it avoided having to always write "Dom/Domme", "He/She" and "he/she". That just seemed clumsy and unnecessary. However, I know that I have a number of readers who may be a male sub or a female Domme and who may be in a same sex relationship. My use of language is not intended to show any disrespect to them and those close to them. If any readers do find my use of language problematic I hope they will contact me. I intend that all may feel welcome in this blog.

I hope readers know that I am not making any assumptions about the gender of Doms or subs in what I write here. I am assuming that the issues raised are the same whatever the sex mix of a relationship. But that may be an incorrect assumption - I know I have much to learn. There may be huge differences. In our society it is more traditional and perhaps accepted for the male to be more dominant and the female less so. I wonder if this has implications for relationships where the female is dominant and the male submissive. Can it cause problems in the way they are perceived by others? Is this the same with same sex relationships or is the gay community more accepting of a variety of sexual and relational proclivities?

pain

"Pain is the body releasing weakness."

This statement or something similar was displayed in a training area for soldiers undergoing special training. I suppose there are areas other than D/s where pain has to be seen as positive.

A switch friend wrote in her blog,

"... pain is extreme sensation, and is not necessarily bad or best avoided."

I reminded her of this, much to her chagrin, shortly before I started to beat her! We discussed the kinds of situations in which pain might be embraced and even requested.

But pain is in reality the body's way of warning of danger - that one could become or have already become injured. People who do not experience pain are in serious danger of coming to real harm.

But somehow BDSM has reclaimed pain as a positive thing - not necessarily bad or best avoided. An extreme sensation - to be embraced as with erotic sensation. Are these sensations so different? The look on the face of a woman experiencing ecstasy though orgasm is so similar to that when she experiences pain. I wonder if that is part of why I can enjoy inflicting pain whilst being a gentle person in other contexts?

I suppose we all have our own reasons for enjoying giving or receiving pain. Some switches enjoy both! I wonder how much my readers have pondered on their reasons for enjoying giving or receiving pain?

schoolgirl role play

I wrote a post last week entitled "age play". It was pointed out, correctly I think, that what I was discussing was not really age play. I think this may not be either but is perhaps related to it.

There are many - not necessarily of the BDSM community - who enjoy schoolgirl role-play. Escort friends have told me it is a popular request from clients. Many men seem to find the schoolgirl look - or the thought of spanking a "naughty schoolgirl" erotic. I have read discussions of this on escort message board sites. Punters and escorts seem to be at pains to insist that it is nothing to do with fantasies about having sex with or spanking real schoolgirls.

But ...

... it is something I am still very uncomfortable about.

Part of the reason is that in a previous area of my professional work I had to attend case conferences occasionally to discuss and decide action in relation to suspected cases of child abuse. Yes I know that in D/s role play and other fantasy role play it is not abuse or anything related to it ... but the connection is in my mind so I cannot use it as an erotic fantasy. It is the opposite - a real turn-off for me.

Maybe I am just missing something.

age play

I know there are many subs who like to call their Masters "Daddy". I suppose part of it is the feeling of care and support that they get from this.

I am not being critical of such couples but it is not for me. I would feel very uncomfortable if a sub called me "Daddy" - though I suppose honoured as well that they were perhaps expressing a deep level of love and trust towards me.

Does it help to explain my difficulties with this if we put it the other way round. Would others not be discomforted if I were to call a sub "daughter"?

age and experience

I sometimes wonder when I see female subs advertising themselves on contact sites who are still only eighteen or nineteen yet describe "several years" of "experience" on the "scene". Perhaps it is because I was much, much older before I felt mature enough and experienced enough to dip my toes so very tentatively into this area of life.

Can one know one is a sub at that age? Perhaps as with gender assignment or hetero/gay/bi sexuality some do know their true nature at that age ... but there is something about it that worries me a little. These are such complex areas of emotions and relationships where many very mature subs and Doms still struggle to understand their own feelings and nature. Perhaps it is a gift to be so very clear at such a young age.

Perhaps I am being overprotective of young women who truly know their own mind and nature.

But look at it the other way round. Would you be happy to submit to an eighteen year old Dom?

I suggest perhaps not ... but does not a sub also need experience and maturity as much as a Dom?

being lent to a stranger

The novel "The Story of O" starts with O being taken to a place where she will be used by strangers. It is a fantasy held by many perhaps and for most it will always remain just that.

toy wrote in her blog recently of being lent to a friend of her Owners. You can read it here: my Owner's friend. For the moment it is a fantasy or a threat. I guess though she is prepared for it to happen and would acquiesce as she is such delightfully obedient slut to her Owner.

First I should make something very clear. I do not normally discuss individuals here. I am interested in the discussion of ideas not of personalities. So what follows is not intended in an sense as any criticism of toy or of her Owner. I have known toy online for a long time. I regard her as an online friend. We have even played strip scrabble together online! (She beat me!) So my comment on her blog was spurred by my friendship rather than any negative thoughts.

It did make me think abut the principle of lending out a sub. I can imagine that frisson of fear and anticipation going through a sub if that was hinted at. I have remembered I once lent a sub to stranger - but in a very different way. This was a couple of years or so ago. I was going away for a long while and knew I would not be able to maintain regular contact with my online sub of that time for quite a few weeks. She was going through a difficult time and would miss my support. So I told her I was going to lend her out. I actually did so but it was to a female sub friend who we both knew. She managed to maintain giving my sub that helpful support while I was away - so there was no abuse involved in that - other than, possibly, the fright my sub had when I told her she was to be lent out!

Let us though get back to the scenario of a sub being lent to a stranger for his use.

A sub could refuse, walk away from it and even the relationship if necessary. To that extent it is consensual.

But if it is being done purely to please her Master - then is the act truly consensual? I have my concerns about the morality of this and the emotional security of the sub.

I hope I am not being "holier than though" about this for I have been involved myself in a similar situation. I was the "other man". I was given a woman to use for the afternoon. In that situation though it was the woman who wanted to be used by strangers. It was part of a journey of submission and humiliation that she craved for herself and was organised carefully by a Master and Protector.

I ensured first that the woman was totally happy with the arrangement. I hugged her at the start and made it clear she could leave then or at any time. I tried to make her feel safe. We had a good time and later she wrote of it in her online journal making it clear she had enjoyed it. I quoted it on my own blog then. She has become a friend and we correspond and meet occasionally.

So these things can work out well.

However the situations are slightly different. I was engaged in an activity that she had requested. That she wanted. It wasn't something that she did not want and was only enduring through pressure from her Master. As a responsible man I could not have "used" her if it had not been her wish - because she wanted it, not because she wanted to please her Master. If it had just been to please her Master I would have felt I was an abuser or even a rapist.

So I worry not just about an instruction to serve a stranger which may be designed to test loyalty and levels of submission but also about the position of the other man who may be prepared to abuse the sub with no questions asked.

For if it happens in the real world - not a blog fantasy - then is that not close to rape?

violence

In my last post "A contradiction" I found myself in the comments discussing the word "violence". It seemed the wrong word for what we do. "Violence" seems to include in its meaning an emotional connotation that is negative and the opposite of what is intended for instance in a spanking or beating in a D/s or BDSM context.

Tristan wrote "It's not the same thing as violence. ... It's just different."

Selkie emphasised the importance of motivation and the need for it to become a dynamic.

I continued to feel uncomfortable with the word "violence" and wondered whether it was possible to deny that a beating, a caning, a flogging or a spanking is actually a violent act within certain contexts. Then by chance I came across the following by Lady Alpha as I was looking through notes for future posts.

"By definition, 'violence' involves aggressive behaviour. By definition, 'aggressive' involves hostile behaviour. Therefore to be be violent, one must also be hostile.

"Clearly in consensual D/s, even if that consent is for subsequent non-consensual action, or is for behaviour which is challenging and painful, maybe even degrading, hostility is not present. The moment it is, D/s becomes abuse. So violence and 'D/s' as we know it cannot co-exist."

This seems to argue very articulately that if such an act take place within a consensual BDSM context then it cannot be said to be "violence".

I am tempted by this argument but still have some concerns. I would be interested in the views of others.

A contradiction

On Uncle Agony I recently published an excerpt from a new ebook by Vivian called "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better.

In it she explains why many women who crave a spanking may find it difficult to persuade their husbands do it. She writes that, "... modern men have, by and large, been raised to believe it’s wrong and abusive to hit a woman for any reason at all. Period. End of discussion. This is probably where your man’s head is."

A sub friend of mine who could not persuade her husband to dominate her described the issue to me in exactly the same way.

But I am a "modern man" in that sense. I was brought up like that too. I still believe it is wrong to hit a woman - or a man or a child. It is not something I would do. Except ...

Am I not the same man who wrote a recent post about how much I wanted to beat a woman, to watch her wriggle and squirm? A blogging friend wrote and told me she had been surprised by the post. Had she forgotten I was a Dom?

So can I be both a "modern man" and a Dom? How do I resolve the contradiction?

youth versus experience

In a comment to my last post about Gor, Selkie wondered what happened to the middle aged women of Gor as all the women there seemed to be young, nubile slaves. It got me thinking again about how the supposed ideals of female beauty automatically seem to include youth. I know that men are often attracted to younger women and I cannot totally deny this in myself. Of course I can find young women attractive. However for me the ideal of female beauty is certainly not a very young woman. A chubby faced youngster cannot be beautiful as she has not the character on her face that is drawn by a few lines and creases. For me there needs to be that character for true beauty - so in this, older women can truly have the advantage. Perhaps one should search too for wisdom in a woman as well as physical beauty. Experience certainly helps to provide that.

This can apply the other way around. A couple of women have recently mentioned to me how attractive they find a particular young, male singer who is tall, dark and handsome and has a very fit and toned body. Of course I am not jealous (much!!!!) as I am sure they both also appreciate the lines of character and experience on my own face (written more in hope than expectation!)

So whilst any offers to me of a nubile, young Gorean slave would certainly not be turned away (if only!) I could be even more happy to accept an offer of a beautiful, middle aged slave!

Gor

When I was much, much younger I used to read science fiction novels occasionally. By chance I came across the novels of John Norman on the library shelves. Though many libraries have now removed them as some people found them offensive. They described the world of Gor where most women are slaves to their Gorean Masters. I enjoyed this element of the books though wished they had been slightly more explicit.

Gor was an imaginary planet many light years away but there are many today who try to live their lives according to Gorean principles. There are even some Gorean communities.

I find some of the Gorean ideas interesting and have used some at times. However for me living my life according to the dictates of a series of novels would feel much too limiting. I hate being bound by a series of rules - it is what makes me a Dom rather than a sub I suppose.

I am not trying to criticise those who do organise their lives in such a way. Part of me is jealous. I would love my own beautiful Gorean slave girl! But for me the is something just a bit too "Treckie"about the whole thing.

Thank You

Thank you to all who have now linked to Uncle Agony - and especially to those who have added such helpful comments there.

Now if any of you have a problem ...

... you know what to do!