Thursday, 23 June 2016

Romance

When I started writing the Beau blog many years ago I used the strapline "a hopeless romantic". Following a long discussion with a reader I changed it to "a hopeful romantic". I wonder if I am still a romantic or whether I am growing cynical as the years pass.

I am in the middle of a conversation at the moment with a submissive woman who described to me how she had become hopelessly infatuated with her top. Sadly it was unrequited as she (her top) had a separate romantic partner. However, they remained good friends and play partners. She wondered how often it was the case that bottoms developed such strong feelings for their top.

I wrote back with the following thoughts,
Bottoming, submitting, giving yourself for another's use is a very intimate activity. It involves huge levels of trust. Where one's trust is respected and paid back so that you feel safe and cared for as well as used then one surely cannot help a bond forming. This would be magnified hugely if it became regular play. How could one not become close to one's top? I wonder how one could not feel strong emotions for them following such play. Perhaps the stronger the play - the stronger the emotion. And when aftercare is given then this must feel very loving.

So perhaps your unrequited crush is more common than we realise!
She wrote back agreeing with what I had said but still felt that a romantic attachment was something different. She is happy to share her top's body but wants her heart all to herself.

I've been thinking this through for over a week now - she must think I have forgotten her. I suppose part of me is reflecting on the nature of this romantic love, that is desperate for the heart of another in a way that is perhaps even stronger than the bond formed by total submission.

So help me out romantics. How do I respond to her?


Thursday, 16 June 2016

ethical sluttishness

In the previous post I discussed the redefining of sluttishness. The word "slut", typically used to describe women, is most often used as a negative description. Whereas calling a man a "stud" can be seen as a positive description. What is the difference? Each is someone who may have a number of sexual partners. Why is that seen as something to celebrate in a man but something to denigrate in a woman?

A friend some time ago gave a copy of The Ethical Slut to Inès though I am not sure if she has read it all. I am afraid I have only browsed it quickly. Wikipedia has an article about it here in which it summarises the theme of the book like this,
The authors define the term slut as "a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." The term is reclaimed from its usual use as a pejorative and as a simple label for a promiscuous person. Instead, it is used to signify a person who is accepting of their enjoyment of sex and the pleasure of physical intimacy with others, and chooses to engage and accept these in an ethical and open way—rather than as cheating.
The Ethical Slut discusses how to live an active life with multiple concurrent sexual relationships in a fair and honest way. 
Is this not a positive and ethical approach to having multiple partners? Can it be done? Can I be a slut and still be a moral person?

Any more sluts out there?

Thursday, 9 June 2016

redefining sluttishness

I wrote some years ago about "on being a slut" here.

I just came across a great article about Helen Mirren's views here.

(To digress, I once met Helen Mirren in a France Telecom office in Provence but that is another story!)

Helen is reported as having praised "'shameless women' who are redefining beauty, citing Pussy Riot and Kim Kardashian as role models who have rejected labels such as slut..."

She goes on to say, "I love shameless women. Shameless and proud!"
and
"They all raise their middle fingers to this epithet of ‘slut’. They wear what they want to wear, behave as they want to behave.’"

I know there are many as part of their bdsm activity may delight in being a slut with the person who dominates them - whilst appearing perhaps almost demur to the real world. There are perhaps others who delight in their sluttishness whatever the context.

I wonder about my readers. Do some express their slutishness just with the one close to them? Is it only for private or also in public? And what about Doms. Do you like your subs to express their sluttishness in public or do you want it kept just for yourself?

Are you a slut and proud of it? Or - do you have one for your pleasure and to show off?

Thursday, 2 June 2016

Desire...

On my post about excitement Innerdeamons commented (I paraphrase slightly)

...i realised that this is what i wanted; the excitement would fade and desire and want would slowly start to consume me; i feel for me personally that the desire is more powerful than excitement and that in its own way is exciting.

It got me thinking about desire and bdsm. It also got me thinking about the power of desire and whether it was more consuming than excitement. I think it is difficult to compare the two. As Innerdeamons implied, the power of desire itself can be exciting. Perhaps desire is just a very powerful kind of excitement.

I know too that bdsm causes desire in me as well as giving me excitment. I want Inès. Her submission causes desire. Exerting my power over her causes desire.

So of course - that is exciting!

Does bdsm cause desire in you too?

Thursday, 26 May 2016

on being released

There is a new post on Uncle Agony where Graham asks if he should release his sub. You may like to pop over an read it and add your thoughts here.

It got me thinking though about the concept of a submissive being "released". It isn't a word I have come across recently but I remember a few years ago hearing it used quite commonly, certainly amongst a group of friends at that time. It might be because of relationship problems a couple of submissive friends were having whee they were released or asked to be released. Being released by a Dom was basically being dumped.  Whereas if the sub wanted to dump her Dom she had to ask permission! I am sure if permission hadn't been granted they would have gone anyway.

Though soon after that my online submissive at that time suggested I release her because of a real time relationship that was becoming more intense for me togehter with the fact that she was having problems. I'm still working out whether I had been dumped or not! LOL

What about readers. Have you ever released a sub or asked a Dom to release you? Did it feel like being dumped?

Thursday, 19 May 2016

Excitement...

The last three posts discussed keeping the excitement in BDSM play. It was interesting to read the different comments from readers. It got me wondering though about excitement.

Is excitement something that people crave at all? Does it matter if it is no longer exciting? Perhaps the whole point of bdsm and D/s is just that it becomes incorporated into the fabric of your daily life. It just is.

How is it for you? Do you crave excitement or do you just want bdsm and/or D/s to be a routine part of your life?

Thursday, 12 May 2016

The excitement has gone - 3) Safety

The third point that was raised (if you have not already, do see the previous posts here and here) related to safety. Safe words are of course very important in bdsm play. However she suggested that she and her partner negotiate so much to the point where she knows exactly what he is going to do to her. In doing so she came to realise that even as a bottom she was in complete control of the situation.

She is a performer and does scenes in public. In performance she recognises the need to discuss detail but in public and private scenes she found that was the case as well. Where then is the excitement in that? Where is the submission in it? She can stop it at any time. She no longer feels vulnerable. She continues to enjoy it of course but ...

It no longer touches her soul.

Do readers find this? Do safe words put the submissive in control? Does negotiation take away the excitement of the unexpected?

How does one ensure safety whilst being able to build feelings of vulnerability, anticipation and excitement?

Thursday, 5 May 2016

The excitement has gone - 2) The first time

Following from the previous post, the second reason that was described as having contributed to the lack of excitement was repetition. What had initially been so very exciting and edgy though constant practice now became closer to the norm.

That very special experience of the first time when it was somehow edgy, out of the normal, almost extreme and certainly on the edge of her comfort zone was somehow lost. She had done it so often that whilst she still got pleasure from it that specialness of it being edgy and new had gone forever.

Doing something for the first time, going to a new and special club, being suspended for the first time when one was anxious about it, having one's first flogging, anything for the first time that is gong to cause anticipation and possibly anxiety. One cannot perhaps get those feeling back. You can only do it for the first time once and that first time will have its own special excitement.

In longer term the perhaps one finds the edgy excitement of bdsm is dulled by repetition. Do you recognise any of this? Are you feeling jaded? Do you sometimes long for something new? Is there a way around it? How can one keep it feeling fresh and exciting?

Thursday, 28 April 2016

The excitement has gone - 1) Taboo

I was reading a post recently by a very experienced sub who is into bondage and posts some excellent photographs. What was particularly interesting was that she desribed how the thrill had gone.

The first reason she gave was related to taboo. So much had now become mainstream. Bondage was now commonplace and no longer a very special acquired taste. If it is now ok in mainstream books, cinema and TV then where is the thrill? That very special experience of it being somehow edgy, out of the normal, almost extreme and certainly on the edge of her comfort zone. She bemoaned the fact that now bondage had become almost mainstream, while she still got pleasure from it, that specialness of it being taboo and edgy had gone forever.

I wonder if other readers have this feeling. Do you like what you are doing to be slightly forbidden, not the kind of thing that most people would do, something that society might frown upon? Is it boring if it is mainstream?

Thursday, 21 April 2016

still wanting more

I have been thinking further about Janet's dilemma - her email is published on Uncle Agony here. She feels a need to be fulfilled through having more than one partner. She found that it enhanced her relationship with her boyfriend - until he found out about it. It is clear that this is more than a selfish desire for more partners and more sex with no consideration of her boyfriend. If it was that then surely she would have just left him and followed her urges.

She describes this need as something she has been aware of since long before she met her boyfriend. It is only though since engaging with it that she has discovered that it is truly satisfying and something she needs. Though that may destroy her relationship with someone she loves.

I have had emails from many who have found this dilemma in a D/s context. It is perhaps more unusual in the context of polyamory. Or am I just unaware?

Is it the case that some people just cannot be satisfied through only having one partner? Is it just a feeling of being trapped with one partner - whereas having more partners gives a freedom, excitement and greater fulfillment just through the experience of having more than one lover? If one has such a nature then how easy is it to create a polyamorous or polysexual relationship? To be completely fulfilled does it need to be polyamorous rather than polysexual - or does this depend on the needs of the individual? Is polysexual actually less free than having true, loving relationships with more than one person?

Sorry - so many questions here. Is this something readers have come across or have experience of? Do you have a view on any of this - or advice for Janet who is desperately trying to find a way through it?

Thursday, 14 April 2016

wanting more

I have published an email from Janet on the Uncle Agony site. You can read it here.

She describes herself as very lost and cannot see a way forward. She loves her boyfriend but she needs more. Experiencing more enhances her relationship with her boyfriend. However he cannot understand her need for others and different experiences. I have tried to discuss on the post whether it may be possible to journey together or whether she may need to set of on her new journey alone.

Do add your thoughts to the discussion.

I wondered too if others had ever to come to the decision to leave someone they loved because they knew that their own desires were not being met leaving them unfulfilled and unhappy.

Thursday, 10 March 2016

guilt

I have been in conversation with Graham and have just published his recent email on Uncle Agony here. To me the issue at the heart of it is the guilt his partner feels at having an extra-marital relationship to meet her submissive needs.

Over the years I have known a lot of submissive married women who have not been able to get their needs met by their husbands. Many of them have sought help and solace on the internet often developing close online relationships. Some have gone on to have real life affairs with Doms or have had temporary real life experiences.

I know that many of these submissives who comment on the blog have positive real life relationships where their primary partner is able to meet their needs? But what about those who do not? Many are in a real dilemma that they do not wish to hurt those closest to them who they dearly love. However a core need of their very being is not being met. I am sure there are some who carry on with their life with a deep unhappiness and regret. Those who decide to have online or real time affairs though may well feel guilty that this is secret, behind their husbands back and a kind of betrayal.

How does one get round this?

Thursday, 3 March 2016

trauma

In a comment to my recent post about spanking Anonymous wrote, "I'm pretty certain that everyone in this lifestyle has some childhood trauma that motivates them, even if they don't remember it."

He sounds very certain about that and is a psychologist and has had twelve years in therapy himself, so perhaps he knows what he is talking about.

Though Marijke Vonk wrote here, "SM is not correlated with physical abuse, sexual abuse, childhood trauma, symptoms of PTSS, personality disorder, sexual disorder, mood disorder, anxiety disorder, or, well, anything really. We’re as healthy (or ill) as the rest of the population." This is from her blog at marijkevonk.com.

She also sounds very certain, is also a psychologist and provides some references though they all seem to be from the same journal in the same year. So I suppose she also knows what she is talking about.

Though as Anonymous also points out, "I'd have to say that it appears nobody really KNOWS anything with certainty."

So what is the opinion of my readers? Is there any evidence that BDSM is correlated with childhood trauma or abuse?

Thursday, 25 February 2016

Barcelona

Sorry to have left you talking amonst yourselves all week but I'm afraid I'm going to do it again. I do have a post ready to publish that I hope you will find interesting. I also hope it will stimulate some discussion that I would like to be part of. However I am off to Barcelona tomorrow until early next week so will have little time to be online. So I am going to delay it a little further until next week so I can see what discussion develops and perhaps join in.

Sorry to tease!

And if you are in Barcelona - just say "Hi"!!!

Thursday, 18 February 2016

Thursday

I just got in from a busy day and was reminded that it is Thursday.

Thursday!!!

I try to post on a Thursday but I haven't today. What can I write about?

What CAN I write about???

Just talk among yourselves while I go somewhere quiet and have a think...