Thursday 28 January 2016

polyamorous or polysexual?

I have had a look back through the archive and discover I have written six previous posts about polyamory . This is an interesting topic that is worth revisiting. However I have been stimulated to return to it following an email from a friend. She pointed me in the direction of a very interesting article by Dennis Najee. You can find it here: Poly And BDSM.

He argues that true polyamory is more prevalent outside the bdsm world than in it. I was particularly interested in his distinction between polyamory and polysexual behaviour. He believes that in the BDSM lifestyle there are a high proportion that play with multiple partners. However he would define this as polysexual rather than polyamorous. I think there may be something in what he writes.

It is much more intensive and committed to commit to a polyamorous relationship as opposed to a polysexual one. So is there an implied rebuke in his assertion - that we in the BDSM world are not as prepared to give that commitment? That would seem strange as the whole nature of a D/s relationship involves a high level of commitment. I have previously seen it argues that polyamory is more rife in the BDSM lifestyle because of our openness to different sexual practices. Though does this just support his suggestion that we are polysexual rather than polyamorous?

He also argues that bringing an additional submissive into a D/s relationship is doomed to failure as it is likely to be based on the Masters desire for a polysexual relationship with a resultant lack of commitment.

Do you have experience of this or strong views about it? I would love to know what others think and I know my friend would do too.


Loki Taviel said...

I also separate the concepts of polyamoury, and polysexuality when talking to others, mainly because for the longest time, I identified as monoamourous, but polysexual. Having some form of relaxed open dynamic and the trust involved to have play or sex with someone other than a signifcant other was necessary for me, whether or not I indulged in it.

I however, never felt like it made me less comitted to a partner though. If anything, the communication it necessitates, and the care and respect it involves made me more committed to my partner emotionally.

Recently though, I've managed to accidentally (it's a long story) find myself a second partner and discover myself to be polyamourous. I have separate dynamics with each of my wonderful boys, and have actually decided that due to my more demisexual nature, I'm not looking for more sexual partners, but only the occasional person to play with (I separate kink and sex in many cases) as they are both long distance right now. This involves constant communication and work to ensure I balance the two of them, which again, requires a ton of commitment so that I can take care of them both as best as possible.

Polyamoury for me is the ability to have a romantic love for more than one person at a time. Not a crush, but legitimate feels. Polysexuality is the desire to have a physical relationship with more than one person. It is very possible to have either one of these without the other, or both, or neither.

Pygar said...

Thank you very much Loki for sharing your perspective and your experiences. I think you describe the distinction between polyamoury and polysexuality very clearly.

I am amused at you "accidentally" finding yourself in love with a second partner. Perhaps many of us have had a similar experience of finding oneself in love even when trying to actively avoid such a thing happening. For some though if it is with a second partner it can then have an impact on the first relationship. Perhaps comparisons come up or perhaps some cannot cope with the emotional aspects of being in love with two people at the same time. You seem to have taken it in your stride. So well done, and I hope things continue to go well for you. Though I do recognise the difficulties of long distance relationships.

Thanks again and good luck

P xx