Thursday, 10 March 2016

guilt

I have been in conversation with Graham and have just published his recent email on Uncle Agony here. To me the issue at the heart of it is the guilt his partner feels at having an extra-marital relationship to meet her submissive needs.

Over the years I have known a lot of submissive married women who have not been able to get their needs met by their husbands. Many of them have sought help and solace on the internet often developing close online relationships. Some have gone on to have real life affairs with Doms or have had temporary real life experiences.

I know that many of these submissives who comment on the blog have positive real life relationships where their primary partner is able to meet their needs? But what about those who do not? Many are in a real dilemma that they do not wish to hurt those closest to them who they dearly love. However a core need of their very being is not being met. I am sure there are some who carry on with their life with a deep unhappiness and regret. Those who decide to have online or real time affairs though may well feel guilty that this is secret, behind their husbands back and a kind of betrayal.

How does one get round this?

11 comments:

little monkey said...

You don't get around the guilt, you learn to live with it if you can.

Pygar said...

Thank you little monkey. I hope it continues to work for you.

Good luck.

P xx

little monkey said...

It's not an issue anymore, not since David died. It WAS a big enough issue that I will not look for another D/s relationship until after I make a permanent decision about my marriage.

Pygar said...

Thank you for the clarification little monkey. It is interesting that the feeling was strong enough to prevent you even thinking about the possibility of a future relationship at this time. You must though have many internal struggles at times.

Kind regards

P xx

nbs said...

I asked , begged and pleaded for my husband to be my Dominant.
He tried and found it was not for him.
After several years of insane frustration I decided to put myself first. A big change in our relationship.. and a good one for me.

I am for the last 5 years in a wonderful caring sadistic dominant who is also married whose wife cannot go as far as he wants to go....so he chooses me to go farther and farther.

Two weeks ago, I was almost sure I'd never be able to go back to him as he had pushed me so far to that "edge".

I got over that in record time...( ruefully and thankfully!).

This has worked for my husband and myself... but every case if different.
In my case, I just got tired of being the LAST one who ever came first and got what she wanted.

Now I feel that my needs are validated and I am not some freak who should be shut up in an insane asylum. No , he never said that but I know he felt it now and then.

You never know til you try!

n

Pygar said...

That is very powerful nbs. Thank you.

Can I pick from it a couple of lines that resound with me ...

"After several years of insane frustration I decided to put myself first"

and

"I just got tired of being the LAST one who ever came first and got what she wanted."

We all need to look after our own needs. However when we get used to looking after others and being there for them they can get used to that, expect it even, so that when we decide to look after our needs then we are the ones seen as being selfish. It takes great strength to break from that cycle. It is essential though for personal fulfillment.

I am pleased you are finding that fulfillment now nbs.

Take care though...

P xx

Olivia Hisservant said...

i'm at the beginning of exploring those possibilities for myself. i've been waiting a couple of years for my significant other to be step back into the role of my dominant, and just recently let go of that hope. So far, it's a great weight lifted off me, to not be hoping and waiting and talking about and even pushing for something that isn't going to happen. i started a new blog - told him i was going to, but haven't sent him the link - but haven't started any new relationships. And maybe i won't. And maybe i'll feel too guilty if i do. We'll see.

Thanks for asking the question.

Pygar said...

That sounds very positive that having let go you feel a great weight lifted off you. It gives you the freedom and possibility of making new decisions and finding new directions. As you say, maybe you will or maybe you won't start a new relationship. Only you will know when the time is right. Will you feel guilty? I suppose you won't knoiw yourself until you try. However if it does feel right then I hope you don't.

Good luck on your journey and also with your new blog. Feel free to post it on a comment here if you want to advertise it or email it to me and I will put it on the sidebar. I really need to sort out those old links anyway!

All the best

P xx

Mala said...

I have been in vanilla relationships where I considered going outside for what I needed... I was never courageous enough to do it. Looking back, I am glad I didn't; I have enough guilt as it is. Some people can cope with such guilt... some people feel no guilt at all... I think it is a catch 22 for many -- feel like crap because you are in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs, or (possibly) feel like crap because you are stepping out to have one that does. IMO I think there is no clear win for these situations unless some kind of open relationship is agreed upon. Perhaps I am digressing, though.

Pygar said...

Thank you Mala - no you are not digressing. The whole point of the question was to look at how one can get round that feeling and in the end perhaps you are right that the only way is to agree on some kind of open relationship. That itself though may be impossible for many.

Your catch 22 comment that whichever way one goes one can still feel crap is very illuminating. Thank you.

Good luck

P xx

Mala said...

Oh... I'm glad it made some kind of sense after all :)