The third point that was raised (if you have not already, do see the previous posts here and here) related to safety. Safe words are of course very important in bdsm play. However she suggested that she and her partner negotiate so much to the point where she knows exactly what he is going to do to her. In doing so she came to realise that even as a bottom she was in complete control of the situation.
She is a performer and does scenes in public. In performance she recognises the need to discuss detail but in public and private scenes she found that was the case as well. Where then is the excitement in that? Where is the submission in it? She can stop it at any time. She no longer feels vulnerable. She continues to enjoy it of course but ...
It no longer touches her soul.
Do readers find this? Do safe words put the submissive in control? Does negotiation take away the excitement of the unexpected?
How does one ensure safety whilst being able to build feelings of vulnerability, anticipation and excitement?
"But why?"
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Recently a couple of very long comments were posted by Anonymous to A Kind
Dom in response to the post punishment and domestic discipline. The
questions sh...
6 years ago
6 comments:
I have found that safe words are very important when the Dom has desires that the sub may not. There is also the issue that if she has issues that she has not told him about they may arise during the play and this may cause trust or even mental issues to begin.
Thank you Fenris. Yes - what you describe of the Dom having desires that the sub may not reciprocate leads to a situation where a safeword may seem essential.
However if one adds to that mix - trust, care, respect, communication, concern ...
then might it be possible, even in the scenario that you describe, for play to take place where a safeword may not be needed?
As you say though, there may be issues that have not been communicated. The responsibility of a Dom are very hard and being aware of the possibility of deeper, hidden issues with a sub can perhaps be impossible. So ultimately does that mean a safeword is always necessary?
- P
Things go wrong, in the best of situations, regardless of trust, length of time together, however deep and close the relationship. Things still go wrong- and to my experience, you need either a safeword in place to be able to stop the scene when things go askew off the treadle, or you need a very considerate and discerning top able to assess the situation and stop it if need be, and there still needs to be an emphasis on communication between the top and the bottom. The excitement, the fear, the helplessness is still there- you have a person tied up/cuffed/etc. being beaten, electroshocked, stuck with needles, etc. so the danger is always there, regardless of whether the bottom perceives it or not. Maybe instead of playing without a safeword he/she should try new things, playing with new people or being co-topped, and instead of negotiating every single step, leave the top some room to be wicked and leave the element of surprise in there- with the understanding that should something go wrong, they do still have the safeword. Safewords don't take the excitement or helplessness or surprise out of a scene, they are just a "last resort" for people when something is wrong- and I can't imagine how that's ever a bad idea to have in place.
Thank you Tamar for your very thoughtful and insightful reply. I think I agree with all you say. Your last sentence sums it up really well, 'Safewords don't take the excitement or helplessness or surprise out of a scene, they are just a "last resort" for people when something is wrong- and I can't imagine how that's ever a bad idea to have in place.'
All the best
P xx
It might be difficult to explain my thoughts but I'm going to give it a go anyway...
I feel that bottoms have a choice, not control...or maybe with choice comes control? Either way, we have the choice to do or not do, to stop or not stop, we can end it all just as tops can, etc., etc.. Sure, there may be consequences, but we still have a choice. Personally, I feel that's where submitting and surrendering come in. Following when you have a choice not to, following because you don't want the choice (for many reasons), that's part of what makes it exciting, for me. Of course, if someone's safety is at risk, all things need to stop regardless, which has nothing to do with control--it's just being safe! For us, Daddy needs to trust that I will stop things if I'm going to be damaged, I think that gives him the confidence to keep going, if he wishes.
Thanks for "giving it a go anyway..." Misty!
I think you make a good point when you describe things having to stop because safety is at risk being nothing to do with control. As you say, it is just about being safe. You make a very interesting point too when you explain that Daddy has to trust you. So often when trust is talked about in this situation it is the need for the sub to trust the dom, however this is an excellent explanation of when the dom needs to trust the sub. It describes well how that gives him confidence to keep going.
It is good too to hear about what makes it exciting for you,
" Following when you have a choice not to, following because you don't want the choice (for many reasons), that's part of what makes it exciting, for me."
Thank you very much Misty.
I wonder what keeps it exciting for other readers... ?
P xx
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