Breaking up in any relationship can be very hard.
Is a break-up in a BDSM relationship more intense than other relationship break-ups?
I was talking with a friend a little while ago who had recently split from her partner. She was taking it very hard and finding it very difficult to get over. This was despite it being almost on the cards from the very start as her partner had a very volatile temperament.
It was though a BDSM relationship. My friend was the sub. So she had given her love as in any vanilla relationship. However she had opened herself totally in her submission, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Her partner knew her so intimately; owned her body and soul almost. Now she was gone...
Perhaps that can be the same in a vanilla relationship but I wondered if the nature of a BDSM relationship further heightened the feelings of distress and despair.
Do readers have a view on this, perhaps from their own personal experience?
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No, I am not a health expert or a scientific expert. So I will not try to
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from Fetl...
4 years ago
12 comments:
I haven't gone through a BDSM breakup (And I hope not to!). But I believe that because I feel such a deeper connection to my Sir through BDSM compared to the vanilla relationships I have had, the breakup would be more intense as well. A greater loss for a greater connection.
Thank you Lea. I hope you don't go through one too!
Yes, I too feel the intensity of the relationship might well be mirrored in the intensity of feelings at a break-up.
P xx
Hmm..luckily I have not tested your theory as far as a BDSM relationship. Bur for me, I am sure it would be so much harder, there is so much trust and openness ...hugs abby
I imagine it would be awful. I think the level of trust in a BDSM r/p is way beyond a vanilla one. And trusting someone with your pain includes the pain that they could inflict on your heart too. i don't know what will happen with me and bikss in the long run, but i'm hoping it isn't a BAD break up if it does happen.
Thanks abby - and for the hugs!
I'm certainly not suggesting you should test it out!
P xx
Thanks Fondles.
Your comment that trusting someone with your pain includes the pain that they could inflict on your heart is very striking and thoughtful.
I hope a break-up doesn't happen to you at all - and certainly not a bad one.
P xx
Fifty-eight years as a single woman gives a person a LOT of time for relationships and breakups, both of the vanilla and kink natures. So, from my vantage point as Survivor of Numerous Breakups of Many Assorted Flavors, I’m gonna do a Little Britain on you for this one.
”Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no…”
I want to say we’re conflating the issues of flavor and quality here, but that’s not strictly fair - because if the only place you’ve ever found that kind of deep connection is in BDSM, then for you, those breakups will inevitably hurt more.
Nonetheless, quality and dynamic are two different things. If you had trust, openness, and intimacy in your relationship, it hurts like HELL to lose that, no matter what the dynamic was. I did have one vanilla relationship that, even to this day, out-connects anything else I’ve ever found - and that was the single worst breakup I’ve ever had.
I think BDSM is certainly a way to achieve those deeper levels of trust and openness…, I even think it’s probably easier to achieve them in BDSM than in the vanilla world…, but I disagree that it’s the ONLY way to get those connections.
Thank you Jz for sharing this. That sounds like a LOT of relevant experience. I am sorry some of it has been painful but I suppose that is in the nature of having relationships and we have all been there to some extent.
I think the bottom line is that from your own experience you believe that a vanilla relationship can be just as intense, giving, trusting, open and intimate as a BDSM. Then when that is the case a break-up will be just as devastating.
I agree with you that it may be easier to achieve those deeper levels of trust and openness in a BDSM relationship. I suppose my question was whether that was something peculiar to BDSM relationships. I am happy though to accept your assurance that it is NOT the ONLY way to get such connections.
Until someone comes up with a counter example of course...
!
Thanks Jz and good luck
P xxxx
Only had an almost BDSM affair break up. As the break-up involved trust issues, what we did share was a concern for both of us I think. Luckily, the aftermath passed.
I’m pleased it was only “almost” a break-up northierthanthou. I hope that resolving the issues has perhaps made your relationship stronger.
Good luck
P
Taking this conversation a little elsewhere I´m thinking: What about loosing BDSM in a relationship. Is that more painful, than loosing some other quality or connection in a relationship?
I've followed Olivia through the pain and loss of becoming un-kinked at Olivia Submits. It mirrors my own life in certain ways and I too mourn the loss of that special connection and intense intimacy that is inherent in a (good) BDSM relationship. And I think that is the core to your question about break-ups and loss in relation to BDSM. Its the intensity and feelings of having laid yourself bare, that bring out the depth of the loss, more than the actual layout of the relationship.
LadyP
Thank you Lady P
That is a very interesting observation. Over the years I have come across other situations too where someone's partner no longer wanted or was able or prepared to maintain a previously existing BDSM element in their relationship. So this may not be a rare occurrence.
Readers who want to find out about Olivia's loss can find more on her excellent blog here.
I would be interested if other readers have experience of this or any thoughts or comments.
P xx
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