being judgemental...

OK this one may be controversial so after I press "Publish" I may go and hide behind the sofa for a while. But here goes...

I was going to start with, "I try not to be judgemental...".

But - no - I don't consciously try not to be judgemental about other people's lifestyles. I hope that I am genuinely NOT judgemental about other people's lifestyles as long as they are not harming others. In fact I try to be positive about their rights to live their lives in a way that is fulfilling to them, that makes them happy, content, satisfied, fulfilled, replete.

However, I did say, "as long as they are not harming others." 

*Sighs and takes a deep breath before daring to continue*

I know that within that I have always included, "as long as they are not harming each other."

And there is the rub. My definition of that may be very different to others. I know from emails from readers that they have reassessed their relationships after reading this blog. (I am sure that was not the only factor.) In fact I know of two women who have divorced their husbands after coming to a recognition that their relationships were not appropriately D/s but were in fact abusive.

My definition of "harm" may be different from that of others. We have discussed abuse on here lots and had recent discussions for instance about body modification, etc. There are demands from a Dom that can be just wrong. They may be in terms of physical demands. How strong does a beating have to be before it becomes abusive? Who gets to decide that? Do take into account the power dynamic within the relationship and emotional bonds before answering.

What about the relationship itself? Where something is happening within a "play" setting, it can kind of be switched on and off. One can discuss afterwards to point out where things went wrong and expect that not to be repeated. Guidelines and limits can be set out clearly in advance and revised when necessary. But if it is a lifestyle choice then how do the limits work then? Who makes the decisions? Always the Dom? But if it is a Master/slave or Domestic Discipline/1950s household type of relationship then how does that work?

When I believe that people being slaves or being controlled and beaten within a relationship is wrong in a vanilla setting then what makes it right if it appears to be exactly the same dynamic but has been given a label of Kink or BDSM or D/s or M/s or whatever? Can those labels themselves become an excuse for unscrupulous people to abuse others? That should also apply to emotional/psychological control and in relation to equality issues.

If I think a certain lifestyle situation is not ethical am I not right to call it out whether or not it is being self classified as BDSM? I know regular readers will see this post in the the context of what has gone before over many years. However I appeal to new or passing readers to recognise that this is not an attack on the BDSM scene from outside but a genuine attempt to address important issues within the community.

(Whilst I have written here with the implication of male dominant and female sub, as always I recognise the situations arise in gender relations of all sexual orientations.)

*Rushes now to hide behind the sofa.*

power dynamics...

I have recently watched a film, 'The Duke of Burgundy'. I had not heard of it before and was surprised at this as it has had some good reviews. It describes a lesbian D/s relationship and investigates the power play within it in a very interesting way.

I wondered if any readers of this blog had seen it and what they thought of it. I wondered too if others might have found the issues about the dynamic interesting and thought provoking?

more thoughts on objectification...

I'm just going to add a few more thoughts to my previous post about objectification.

Inès sometimes works as an artists' life model. Most of her work is naked. Her body is just there to be drawn or painted. She is just a still life, an object. Quite literately as it is important to the artists that she maintains that exact position without moving. For some artists it is just a technical challenge to try to represent what they can see with some accuracy and expression.

For the model it is slow torture. Keeping a still pose for hours creates pain - even in a simple sitting pose. The bones start to press through the flesh into the seat. Imagine a standing pose with a twist, or a pose where one part of the body is pressing into another. Imagine doing it for hours. Imagine not being able to move. She is not just an object but also in pain - not recognised by most of the artists.

Then of course there are the final drawings, concentrating on all the interesting bits - the folds of flesh, the jutting bones, sometimes making one look quite grotesque. It can be humiliating.

So - a perfect job for a masochistic exhibitionist who enjoys being objectified and humiliated. Perhaps a perfect job for submissives everywhere. Any takers?