I have written on here many times before about various issues to do with BDSM and abuse. An online friend who has enjoyed reading this blog wrote to me recently. She shared an experience about that topic. I found it very interesting and powerful and have asked her permission to share it with you. She wrote,
"Also about abuse in BDSM relationships and use of BDSM. I used a BDSM scene to recreate a situation from my childhood where I was abused. I requested someone to beat me in a similar way as I was beaten then and found it very healing."
I think this is something that many might regard as emotionally or psychologically risky with potential dangers. I certainly wouldn't recommend it and I am sure there are many who would with good reason advise strongly against it. However it worked for her. She found it healing. And that surely is great and to be celebrated.
I tried to imagine how it had worked for her and felt it must have been to do with her taking power and control. She wrote to me again clarifying this,
"But to expand on this. I found it healing because I was in control and set it up and asked the person. I also knew it could stop at any time I wanted it to stop . Then I could examine my own feelings that were related to this experience that were still unprocessed until this scene happened. While it was happening I connected to the event and could really allow myself to feel a shock related to this -as I did not expect this to happened when I was a pre-teen. Also could connect to my helplessness and feeling of betrayal. Feeling of not being loved and accepted. Also feeling the pain and receiving it. I was able to process it all so now this incident from my childhood doesn't cause me to experience many emotions . I am neutral about it now."
It is good she is able to articulate this so well which helps to explain it clearly.
However, as I started off, I am certainly not recommending this as a therapeutic tool!
I wonder if any readers have had similar experiences. (Please feel free to comment as Anonymous.) Have you ever had the desire to act out a previously abusive experience? If you have been abused in the past can you imagine this might be helpful or is this anathema to you?
Whatever your responses I am still so very pleased that my online friend found the experience "healing". Good luck to her.
COVID-19
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No, I am not a health expert or a scientific expert. So I will not try to
offer you any of my own advice. Instead I am going to shamelessly pinch
from Fetl...
4 years ago
7 comments:
I don't know, this is so hard to even consider. I had a lot of abuse as a child at the hands of my mother, and a lot of spankings from my father because he believed her lies of things I'd done that I hadn't. Sometimes a memory will put me right back in the abuse, and I have to fight to get out. I can't imagine purposefully putting myself back there. But, maybe there could be healing, because this time my husband would be there, offering me encouragement and love while he spanked me. He could tell me the truths against the lies I was told as a child. I'm just not sure. I do know I couldn't have repeated the things my mother did for abuse. I'm head shy to this day, even with my loving husband of many years. So, as you said, it may work for some, but I think it could be dangerous for others. BUT, in saying this, I really think it is great that this woman thought it could help her and went after it. That is very brave, considering what she was trying to work through. I'm very impressed with her idea on it. I never would have come up with that on my own.
Yes to this! I figured out very recently that I'm into BDSM for exactly this reason - not so much to revisit and heal physical, but sexual abuse. It might be dangerous on some level but to be honest, being a sexual abuse survivor I got retraumatised so many times, even with "vanilla" sex, that I seem to have no more options left. I personally feel confident that it's the right path for me. The only problem I find is finding someone to do that with. People are usually either scared to go down that road or they don't want to go there because it removes the "fun" element from the whole thing. I think the person you are talking about is really lucky to have found someone so loving to do something like that for her.
Weird coincidence, but I wrote my own experience of BDSM and trauma recently and it's scheduled to be published tomorrow as a guest post on someone else's blog.
Thank you both for adding your comments. Two such different responses! Fascinating.
I will respond to each of your comments separately. However I have things I must do now and I want to take the time to reply to each of you individually and thoughtfully. So please excuse me if I take a little longer before replying.
I am very grateful to you both for sharing your thoughts about such a difficult area of your lives.
Best
Pygar xx
Thank you again Anonymous 1 for your strength in describing the abuse you have suffered and the long term effect it has had on you. I hope that sharing it with us has been a positive experience for you. I understand totally your fears that putting yourself back into that space could be very detrimental. I think you are wise to be very cautious about such an idea. It is very open and brave of you to even imagine it. Thank you though for recognising in such a positive way how it worked for my correspondent.
I hope in time you find your own positive ways that help you resolve your issues and to move on from the past. Wishing you good luck and very best wishes
Pygar xx
Thank you too Anonymous 2 for your openness about your own experience. It is interesting that you have analysed that you are into BDSM as a result of earlier abuse. I do hope that BDSM is helping in a positive way and that you are finding it helpful. You seem to be in the early stages of this journey into BDSM so do take care and explore safely. If you have been retraumatised by vanilla sex there is a danger that BDSM play could have a similar or even more severe effect.
Make sure that you feel in control throughout such play - even where you are with someone who you trust. As you say though the difficulty can be in finding that person. You are certainly not alone in that.
When your blog post in published, I would be very interested to read it (as may my readers.) Perhaps you could let us know the link here, or if you prefer to keep it anonymous then email it to me privately.
Take care, keep safe - and have fun!
Best wishes
Pygar xx
Hi Pygar, thank you for your response!
A bit of a late reply but here is the article (it's anonymous too):
https://www.girlonthenet.com/2019/01/31/bdsm-trauma/
I hope you are well. And keep writing, I have been enjoying your blog :)
Thank you very much Anonymous. I have just published a brief post about it with a link here.
Good luck
P
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