A public demonstration of a BDSM relationship might be as little as wearing a collar or other symbol in public. Though recently I have seen a number of women wearing collars when I have not been sure whether it was worn as a fashion item rather than as a true demonstration of a BDSM commitment or lifestyle.
An example sprang up recently when I was in Germany. This was at the main large railway station in Leipzig. There was a shopping mall as part of the station facilities. This included a nice bookshop with a pleasant coffee shop. We had some time to spend at the railway station and had spent a little while in one cafe so moved on to the coffee shop in the bookshop. It was very pleasant and we had some very nice coffee and cake. While we were sitting there I notice three young women in the corner. They were perhaps late teens or early twenties. They were dressed in a goth style. I noticed at first that one of them, a young woman with long red hair, was wearing a collar. A little later I realised that there was a lead attached to the collar, held by her friend who looked a little more butch with shorter black hair. Another woman with long dark hair looked on. They were there for some time just drinking their coffees as we were. Being in the corner they were not very noticeable and nobody seemed to pay them much attention. I wondered when they left whether the short haired woman would lead her friend out with the chain attached.
She did!
:)
This was a very public, very vanilla space. These young people did nothing other than dress as they wished and made a slight statement through one leading out the other attached by a chain. They made no big deal of it.
So why am I?
Well, I was wondering I suppose whether this was a genuine BDSM relationship, perhaps poly. Or rather was it just a fashion statement? Some young people enjoying dressing up and being different in a way that might have been seen to be slightly edgy.
It doesn't matter really which it was. Though it made me wonder if they were happy to do this - should we not all be happy to do much the same?
I have led Inès by a chain in public in a club space, but not in public in a vanilla setting. If these young people are happy to do it then why not me?
Have you displayed BDSM trappings in a vanilla environment? Would you?
If not - then why not?
COVID-19
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No, I am not a health expert or a scientific expert. So I will not try to
offer you any of my own advice. Instead I am going to shamelessly pinch
from Fetl...
4 years ago
4 comments:
I've come back to this several times, trying to sort out exactly what it is I want to say.
Because while I quite like the idea of removing guilt, shame, or self-consciousness from any non-standard behavior (harmful ones excepted, of course), I also very much believe that you don't go around shoving your beliefs down another persons throat... and the line between those two things is very fine indeed.
The inner pragmatist also can't help wondering if they'll regret being so public some day. Like the photos of drunken foolishness that come back to haunt you when you're searching for a job, or hoping for a security clearance. People have sort of lost sight of the maxim that "just because you can do something doesn't mean you should."
Just because you're not hiding something doesn't mean you have to flaunt it.
Moderation in all things, maybe?
Thanks Jz, your ideas are very thought provoking. It has got me thinking hard too. I'm wondering if it really is, "shoving your beliefs down another persons throat..."
That might be the case if the behaviour is regarded as contentious or upsetting to others or generally regarded as unacceptable. However, such views change over time. On this occasion I saw no reaction, even curiosity, from others around but then I only saw them leaving briefly and they were out of the way before that in a corner.
It might be that some years ago public displays of affection by gay couples, whether male or female might have been regarded as more unacceptable than by heterosexual couples and even shocking. I can imagine that some people might have been very upset by such activity. Whereas today, in the main, that might be much less the case. (Though that might depend on which country, state, town or neighbourhood you were in!)
I suppose part of what I am discussing is that it may be a matter of the perceptions of the general public rather than the activities of those individuals. The young women in my example did nothing that I could see as being outrageous or designed to provoke. Well, I think they may have been trying to provoke interest but certainly not outrage. I am perhaps suggesting that perhaps society may be moving to an acceptance of such behaviour, especially in certain vanilla places.
If that is becoming the case should it give us all confidence to show such signs in our dress and behaviour - because no longer are people outraged?
Or am I being too optimistic? I do recognise that it may still be some time before you are happy being led in chains through your local shopping mall!
;)
P xxxx
I certainly hope (and am equally as optimistic as you) that society may be moving towards more acceptance. Just to reach a place of neutrality about seeing such things...though not too neutral because obviously part of the appeal to many kinksters is precisely the interest/shock/horror/amusement on peoples' faces and part of the humiliation aspect of the bottom (if that is the intention for that particular scene). I suppose I refer to neutrality more in the sense that such a display might spark funny looks, but it won't elicit abuse and harassment from bystanders. So there is a reaction, but what people see is not vilified.
I think WHO engages in such display, subtle or less subtle, is also a big factor. Seeing a group of three goth girls with a collar and a lead may be dismissed by some as nothing more than youthful folly and attention-seeking, a phase they will soon grow out of. Perhaps this is 'okay' for the public precisely because it operates in the grey zone that, Pygar, you also found yourself pondering: Was it kinky or was it fashion or something else altogether? Whereas if that were, say, an older couple who is otherwise normally dressed and simply leading the other with a leash, they may be more recognizable as 'real BDSMers' and evoke different, and perhaps less accepting, reactions from people.
Honestly, I'd just be happy if curiosity on the part of bystanders remains but all negativity, harassment and danger ceases to be present.
Thank you very much D,
First of all please do accept my apologies for the very tardy reply. I have had quite a lot of other things on recently. However, I was also pondering one of the issues in particular that you raised. It made me wonder if I may have been somewhat patronising in my attitude to the three young women.
Would my attitude have been the same in the scenario that you suggest, had it been an older couple more normally dressed? The short answer is, I don't know. However that is a bit of a cop out. Yes, of course, it would have been a different scenario and my response could probably have been different. I would have been interested to have seen whether the response (or lack of it) from others might also have been different.
I think that there is an aspect that may be positive rather than patronising in accepting the openness, experimentation and carefree nature that can be more apparent in the young. That is something that we perhaps regret we may no longer have - though some of us continue to try to maintain some of it! There is something in greater maturity where society perhaps expects you to behave in a more normal fashion. Are the young allowed more freedom? Does being more mature necessitate fully conventional behaviour? Might society's attitude to a middle-aged couple with one leading the other by the leash be very different? I hope and expect I would have been similarly positive but wonder whether everyone else would have been in the same way.
Though this was Leipzig! So perhaps the others would still have tolerant and accepting. I wonder if it would have been different in Leicester, Louisiana or Limoges.
So thank you again for sending my thoughts off in interesting directions and for your thoughtful contribution.
P xxxx
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