Instruction and extreme activity

A couple of weks ago a few thoughts came together in discussions with several online submissive friends.

It had to do with something which is at the heart of my thoughts about the role and responsibilities of a Dom.

A Dom has a responsibility to his sub. If she is to trust him to make serious decisions that might test or push a sub's limits he must ensure that important decisions such as this are in her long term interest. Limits may sometimes be pushed or boundaries stretched but that is a sensitive thing. I wrote a blog comment recently in relation to an issue about a sub being lent out to another Master:
"... In fact it is probably beyond the limits or boundaries for most subs. Isn't D/s about something a couple does together and lending someone out - unless it was clear that it was something the sub secretly desired - would break that sense of trust. Sometimes instructing a sub to do something extreme is instead actually giving her permission to do it. ..."

I once wrote something to a sub (not my own) suggesting an activity in a fantasy context that would have involved extreme pain and permanent marking. It was intended as a fantasy but I knew she was going to take such fantasies to her Dom and that one would be carried out.

I became quite worried. I was fearful that she might actually do it. I was frightened of being responsible for such a thing and realised I was not playing a game and that my words could have consequences.

The activity did not take place. That was a long time ago. Recently though that sub has been looking into the possibility on her blog. It might happen after all.

Although the activity to me would have been quite extreme I can imagine discussing it with a sub. A little fear can be an exciting and even erotic thing. However the most important part of any D/s relationship for me is trust. I hope that no sub of mine would ever believe I could do something to her that would harm her in any way. So if we were discussing something extreme it would be within that context. That is not to say such an extreme thing could not happen but it would clearly be something that we had both come to desire and knew was right at that time.

Only at that time could I instruct it.

Only at that time would it be right to instruct it.

In a sense my "instruction" would be more like "giving permission" for something we both desired. For something that the sub needed instructing to do to be able to find the strength to go through with it.

a strong sub and a kind Dom

On a previous blog two of my earlier posts were about my idea of a strong submissive and a caring Dom. I wrote them a couple of years ago so the words reflected my ideas at that time. I will repeat them here.

submissive women

I like strong women.

A submissive woman should be strong.

When I talk of submissive women I'm not talking of women who just let their men walk all over them because they know no better.

I'm not talking of those who simper and whimper to get their own way pretending they are weak and ineffectual.

I'm not even talking of those who really are weak and ineffectual.

To give yourself in a consensual power exchange to someone you trust to do with what they will requires real strength.

Physical and emotional.

A truly submissive woman is a strong woman.

A very well known submissive blogger wrote the following comment:

i see myself here, of course that doesn't matter, you knew that

It's what He says i am, that matters. But...
By day, i feel i am a strong confident woman.
By night, i am His weak little slut.
How true this is. Thanks for bringing it up.
Told you i'd stop by.

This was the next post:

dominant men

Having already described my idea of a submissive woman I decided I should also give an ideal of the dominant man. Any thoughts are welcome.

A dominant man should be kind and thoughtful. A Master is not just a man who has ultimate power over a woman to use as he pleases. If this is the case he has huge responsibilities.

He needs to know exactly how far he can take a scene with his slave. He has total responsibility for her safety and pleasure. Her welfare is in his hands. His first thoughts need to be for her rather than himself.

It is the balance of the strong submissive and the caring Master. A Master must be kind enough to give His slave the confidence and strength to give herself totally into His care and power.

With power comes responsibility.

I think the posts still represent my views.

the view of a sub friend

Recently I met a sub friend for the first time. We had known each other for a long time via email but had not yet met.

She is an experienced sub and has engaged in activities that some could regard as quite extreme. She is a strong willed, intelligent, professional woman. I respect her professionally and personally. We met just for lunch so no ~A~ I didn't "have her" as you so delicately put it! (The minds of some subs!!!!)

It as lovely to meet - to put a face to all the thoughts we had exchanged, to get a feel for the real personality rather than that projected by the written word. The demeanour, the tone of voice ...

We talked openly and honestly about so many things - most unconnected to bdsm or D/s.

However we did talk a little of D/s.

I was interested when she talked negatively and disparagingly of Doms who felt it inappropriate to show their emotions - as if this was somehow a weakness that conflicted with their "Dom" image. (Is this inability to show emotion not actually itself a sign of weakness?) She was also critical of Doms who had no interest in the pleasure of their sub - ones who said the sub should gain all her satisfaction from knowing that her Dom was gaining pleasure. She was clearly very unimpressed by such Doms and found this unacceptable even in a play setting.

I was struck by how much this coincided with my own views about the need for openness, honesty and mutual respect and care.

An ideal Dom?

Dragonfly has written a post about what she thinks a Dom should be - called "It takes a strong man".

In it she gives guidance as to the skills and qualities that she believes a Dom should posses. I find it hard to disagree with her - but she sets a standard that will be very challenging to live up to.

so what is this all about then ... ?

It is a place for me foremost. I am not making a big deal about publicising but have told a few friends. If word spreads as they and others find it interesting then so be it - if not then that is fine too.

I hope that writing down my thoughts will be a discipline that will help me formulate and understand them better and also some of the feelings that lie behind them.

It is ultimately about the issue of "a kind Dom". Can there be such a thing or is it a contradiction in terms? For me it is essential but for others it may seem a nonsense.

There are many subs who write about some of the issues and contradictions in being a submissive in contemporary society. I have found few Doms who do so - and would be interested in links if others know of this. I fear that instead of taking on board such issues most Doms are merely happy to accept the benefits.

So there may be things I say that readers may find critical at times. I am not setting out with that intention but if people take my words as criticism of their relationship with someone closest to them I am sorry. I am also aware that people will tell me that I don't understand, that I am naive, that I am not a Dom, that the issues I raise are of no consequence - and much more. But I suppose if I put my head above the parapet I have to be prepared if people start to throw things at me.

I actually welcome comment - especially that which takes my remarks seriously.

Pomposity

I often find that men in 'Dom mode' can sometimes sound very pompous.

Does that go with the territory?

Is it not possible to have a lighter touch?

What was that?

Me too?

Oh!

Right then ...

a start

A look at contradictions, morality, relationships, feelings, society, love, respect, trust, freedom, need, and control as the beginning of developing a new D/s ethic.

Is that pompous enough for a start?????