Thursday, 5 June 2008

Anger

I suppose we all get angry at times - about the injustices we see around us, the actions or inactions of those with power in the world or just the latest memo from our boss. Like everyone else I get angry about these things. I even have an ongoing anger about the way a member of my family is being treated currently.

But I don't feel this anger in my heart. I might get mildly cross at times. Sometimes, very rarely, I may snap - and it is only then that I realise I was angry.

In another context a colleague was talking to me about anger recently. He is a very mild mannered man but he says that he gets angry. He sees it as a positive emotion that can spur one to action about injustices. I wasn't sure I recognised my anger enough for it to influence my behaviour in this way. Until recently.

I became so angry. I was in a rage. I didn't recognise it at first. Where had it come from? What did it mean? Why did I feel like that?

It came at the time of the parting of myself and my sub. I wasn't angry at her. How could I be? I loved her. She'd done nothing wrong. It just hadn't worked out. But I was so angry. I wanted to beat someone. If she had been there would I have beaten her?

I don't think I've ever hit anyone in anger even though I have been hit in that way. I know that a Dom should never, ever hit his sub in anger. It would be a betrayal of their whole relationship.

In trying to work it out I wrote a kind of poem. It implied that if I had a sub near by I would beat her, that any future sub would need to be strong as I would be very hard in future.

Where had all that come from? That wasn't me. I didn't recognise this person I had become. Where had this rage appeared from? How could I control it? I had never ever felt like this.

I didn't know where the emotion was directed. At my sub? At myself? At the whole situation? Or just at my own failure?

In the end I think that was it. I was angry at how it had turned out. It was probably nobody's fault but I was angry with myself for failing. Within that anger the whole world - including my sub - got caught up.

I wondered if I really would have beaten a sub or my sub if they had been to hand. I don't think I would because it is so far from my nature. It frightened me though that I could even feel like that.

Anger felt a very destructive emotion at that time - not the positive one my friend had talked of.

I wondered too of those in close D/s relationships - collared, owned, 24/7, tpe, etc. When the Dom gets mad what happens? There are many Doms much more prone to anger than me I think. What happens to their subs then I wondered. That I suppose is where D/s can turn into domestic abuse.

I wasn't ready at first to write this post. It has taken me a long time to be able to do so. As the poem was so awful I later tried it out as a story. Sometimes creativity can be a great way of expressing and investigating our feelings.

You can read that story here.

Do you get angry? How do you release that emotion?

5 comments:

vixen said...

Is failure really failure or accepting you cannot change things?

I at times feel like I have failed but if you look past the obvious there is always a lesson there waiting for you.

Anger can be a gift and yes it can motivate one but often for the wrong reasons. And it can also be extremely destructive for you and those involved.

Failure on the other hand is another form of acceptance that you tried and you did your best and for that no one can fault it.

If I get angry I fight internally, I talk, I rant, and I write, I try to keep that part of me away from people as it can be quite intense. Even dangerous as in that state we often say and do things we regret.

Beautiful story and very thought provoking x

Pygar said...

Thank you vixen for your ideas about failure. I find those thoughts very helpful and supportive.

Like you though I find anger a destructive emotion.

I'm pleased you liked the story.

xPx

Anonymous said...

If beating me would help, I wish I could be there for you to do it. I would lay down before you...

~W~

NewToThisLife07 said...

came back here to read after your most recent post, then proceeded to Dragonfly -it still strikes a chord with me and pulls at my heart's strings...
I know this post must've been real hard for you to write, I am glad the new post was of another situation.

Just wanted to remind you that you are a good man -we all get angry, it's how we deal with it that shows who we are (and that's where you and I differ).

Many hugs to you my friend xx

Pygar said...

Thank you NewToThisLife07 for your very kind words.

I have just re-read this post and the story I wrote for Dragonfly Geisha. I am surprised by my own words in both. I think my emotions at that time were very intense for a number of reasons. Perhaps that stimulated the creativity in my words.

More recently I had another break up. My emotions were deeper but resulted more in a great sadness than anger if that makes any sense? Though I know there was still some anger there. Perhaps I need to find the confidence to express it.

There are also connections between the two occasions that are too complex for my own thoughts to get round!

Your hugs and friendship are appreciated. :)

P xxxx