Anger

I suppose we all get angry at times - about the injustices we see around us, the actions or inactions of those with power in the world or just the latest memo from our boss. Like everyone else I get angry about these things. I even have an ongoing anger about the way a member of my family is being treated currently.

But I don't feel this anger in my heart. I might get mildly cross at times. Sometimes, very rarely, I may snap - and it is only then that I realise I was angry.

In another context a colleague was talking to me about anger recently. He is a very mild mannered man but he says that he gets angry. He sees it as a positive emotion that can spur one to action about injustices. I wasn't sure I recognised my anger enough for it to influence my behaviour in this way. Until recently.

I became so angry. I was in a rage. I didn't recognise it at first. Where had it come from? What did it mean? Why did I feel like that?

It came at the time of the parting of myself and my sub. I wasn't angry at her. How could I be? I loved her. She'd done nothing wrong. It just hadn't worked out. But I was so angry. I wanted to beat someone. If she had been there would I have beaten her?

I don't think I've ever hit anyone in anger even though I have been hit in that way. I know that a Dom should never, ever hit his sub in anger. It would be a betrayal of their whole relationship.

In trying to work it out I wrote a kind of poem. It implied that if I had a sub near by I would beat her, that any future sub would need to be strong as I would be very hard in future.

Where had all that come from? That wasn't me. I didn't recognise this person I had become. Where had this rage appeared from? How could I control it? I had never ever felt like this.

I didn't know where the emotion was directed. At my sub? At myself? At the whole situation? Or just at my own failure?

In the end I think that was it. I was angry at how it had turned out. It was probably nobody's fault but I was angry with myself for failing. Within that anger the whole world - including my sub - got caught up.

I wondered if I really would have beaten a sub or my sub if they had been to hand. I don't think I would because it is so far from my nature. It frightened me though that I could even feel like that.

Anger felt a very destructive emotion at that time - not the positive one my friend had talked of.

I wondered too of those in close D/s relationships - collared, owned, 24/7, tpe, etc. When the Dom gets mad what happens? There are many Doms much more prone to anger than me I think. What happens to their subs then I wondered. That I suppose is where D/s can turn into domestic abuse.

I wasn't ready at first to write this post. It has taken me a long time to be able to do so. As the poem was so awful I later tried it out as a story. Sometimes creativity can be a great way of expressing and investigating our feelings.

You can read that story here.

Do you get angry? How do you release that emotion?