Friday, 27 February 2009

have I learned anything?

swan asked in a comment below if I had learned anything from the failure of the relationship that I described here. She wondered if I would do things differently if the circumstances arose.

I do want to learn from this. It is important to always continue to learn. I am sure I will do and I have been reflecting upon it. I wrote last year about a previous parting. I reflected a lot on that and wrote about some of it in this blog - last May I think if you want to look back. I did learn from that a lot. It also made me a little more cautious about my emotions and protecting them. But that is hard in such relationships.

If one does not give an emotional commitment then it cannot work. So there is bound to be sadness. I am pleased that my friend asked for release now rather than in some months time - when our emotional commitment would have grown so strong. Then I know I would have been badly hurt - and may have badly hurt another. If it was not going to work then I am grateful to her for having the common sense and strength to stop it before we both became damaged by it.

The thing I have reflected upon is the intensity of the relationship - and the extent that might have been created by my approach or whether it is just inherent in the D/s dynamic. I know that previous online relationships I have been involved in have also become very intense very quickly. That is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be very seductive and give extreme pleasure. In a sense it is what it is all about. But if it catches one unawares then problems can arise. I was aware that such intensity could arise quickly and warned my sub of this at the start. That is not to say that I shouldn't have perhaps realised she was getting caught up in it more quickly than she had believed possible at the start. But we are all adults - and when she did realise she sensibly put a stop to it. However if she hadn't then perhaps she could have been damaged by the experience, rather than enhanced by it in the way I had hoped.

So I have had reinforced the dangers of how such relationships can become so very life affecting - and my own responsibilities in ensuring a sub who has given herself to me to care for is not hurt by the experience. I need to reflect on my responsibilities to ensure I do not harm someone who has put her trust in me.


kitten said...

It sounds like we are going through similiar experiences only wearing the hats of different roles. It's nice to hear someone mention how intense the passion and emotions can be... so intoxicating at times.

Take care,

swan said...

I wonder if their are foundational or initiatory processes that one might go through in the beginning of getting to know someone so that the intense emotional attachment might be forestalled or delayed until parties had time to contemplate and consider. I don't know what that might be. I am aware that our relationship began with friendship and progressed from that to more sexual and sensual depths. It wasn't something that we planned particularly, that is simply the path we ended up following. I'm not trying to prescribe, I only hope to offer some (perhaps helpful) direction to explore.

All the best,

mina said...

I have found your place through Tristan. Though, I'm sure I have seen your name floating around. "A Kind Dom" that is how I would describe my Sylvanus. I am positive I will be enjoying reading you.

vanimp said...

You know full well the difficulties I experienced regarding the long distance relationship I had last year via private conversations :)

Yes, it can and does get intense and in an odd way I sat there reading what you wrote and could see myself doing what she was doing. I did. I didn't ask for release it was forced due to circumstances and now looking back it was the best thing that happened.

It's part of a risk we take when we venture into online relationships. It's also my reason I avoid online these days as it did cause damage. At least you both made the decision and kept each other intact in the process xxx

Charli said...

The bottom line then is, as you have mentioned......if there is no intensity, there is no point; that is, in my view, what differentiates a D/s union from a vanilla, that level of intensity; I think for the partnership to be all that it can be and to reach that exquisite height that is only (again in my opinion) possible within a D/s relationship, that closeness, that intensity, is necessary. Both parties are adult and presumably emotionally stable so my question then becomes (and this question is aimed at myself)........"why the hell am I doing it"? If, for whatever reason, I am not able to be with the person in a "real-life" way, why would I want to put myself out there in virtual land to grow some incredibly emotionally intense bond with someone that I can never have (fleshly)?

Lately, I am thinking that if I need this "relationship" so very badly, and I am not able to "obtain" it, there are other more important fish to fry if this type of relationship is so essential to my wellbeing, what the heck do I need to change in my own life to acquire what I so badly need, and what consequences am I willing to suffer through to get it?

I know, I know.....I am making it sound black and white......and it is anything but.

But I ask you, if that level of "closeness" is necessary, and I think that we both agree that it is, how can you, as the Dominant partner, ensure that no ill effects will occur over the course of it?? You cannot, it is impossible. I don't care how kind you

Pygar said...

You take care too kitten. I hope things work out well for you.

I'm really not sure swan about the possibility of finding structures that can delay the intensity. It may be possible. I know I have not learned those skills yet. Perhaps I cannot control my own impatience.

Good to see you here mina - I am pleased you have Sylvanus as your own kind Dom.

Yes vanimp - I know you were badly hurt. But perhaps that was also because something had been hidden. I suppose it can be too easy with online relationships for people to hide things, if only at first. However that negates the whole basis of trust necessary for a successful D/s relationship.

Thank you Charli for your thoughtful and thought provoking response. I do take your point and if the perceived need or desire is so strong should one not reassess ones life? But for many of us things remain very complex even after such a reassessment.

You are right of course that no Dominant, however kind(!), can ensure that no ill effects occur. We are human beings - but also adults with a responsibility to ourselves. However I believe a Dom has a special responsibility because of the nature of D/s relationships to try his utmost to ensure no harm comes to his sub.

Selkie has also been moved by these recent posts to write at some length about her own feelings in relation to submission and whether it can be "put back in the box" as I discussed in the comments to the previous post. I recommend you visit her blog and read her thoughtful posts. The last one is here with links to the previous parts.