A submissive's say ...

"We do have a say in what happens to us."

Yes Jz you do and should have. Subs understand this I think better than many Doms. Subs who don't understand this are putting themselves in danger.

Do read Jz's recent post. She has written much of what I have been stumbling to say over recent months and years. You can find it here.

I think a good summary is contained in her words here:

"Genuine, sustainable submission comes from deep within and is based on faith and trust."

I hope that is what I have been trying to argue here.

Learning to become a Dom

Uncle Agony has recently had an email from a man whose wife is a sub with some D/s experience - yet he has problems with acting as a Dom but wants to meet his wife's needs. His email and my response are published on Uncle Agony here.

Many of you may have been in such relationships yourselves either as sub or Dom - I know personally of a few. If any of you have thoughts or advice to offer then please do read his interesting email and add a comment.

Am I experienced?

One occasionally sees on contact sites people describing themselves as "experienced Doms" or seeking them. I began to wonder what this meant. Am I experienced?

I get emails from readers asking for advice - which suggests they assume I have a level of experience to be able to help them.

Where though does one gain such experience? How and when does one become experienced?

I do not have experience and expertise of using a single tail whip - but have enough life experience to know not to use it on another human being without appropriate knowledge and experience. Before a planned wax play session with a special friend - I first arranged a wax play session with an "experienced" sub friend. It was my first time and I could discuss it with her as we went along - so as a Dom I learned and gained experience from a sub. One should not be too proud about such things. It worked well - I learned enough to make the special session I had planned work very well because I had gained enough confidence and used appropriate caution.

Experience is very comparative and is not just about expertise in BDSM skills whether they be in use of a whip, wax play or anything else. There is much information available now also on many web sites for those eager to increase their knowledge.

In the end though perhaps more important is experience of life and relationships. In addition a true consideration for the needs of others and humility at ones own lack of knowledge and experience.

A Dom may claim expertise with a particular item of equipment - but if he has not the empathy to understand how and when to use it with a sub friend then that experience is worth nothing.

We are none of us too old or too experienced to learn.

So dear readers - are you experienced?