Tuesday, 19 April 2011

anger

I read a post on a message board on a contact site a few days ago.

It was titled "Angry Play".

Basically it was asking if any Doms took it out on their subs when they were angry.

My response was that "Angry Play" isn't play - it is abuse.

I did receive some support for this view and for similar views. However there were many who supported approaches to playing when one was angry.

I have written about anger before here. (It was several years ago and on reading it again found it more articulate than my present thoughts!)

I was surprised though on the message board thread that so many were accepting about different approaches to "angry play". There was a strong feeling that play could help with dissipating anger.

I wondered what my readers think. Is angry play therapeutic or abuse?

13 comments:

Velvet said...

I think it depends so much on the dynamics of the relationship. In my marriage my ex was not really a Dom but I found he could channel anger and negative emotions into canings or spankings. Usually I had to provoke him to enable him to do that. Looking back I think there was a fair amount of topping from the bottom, but I can also remember the thrill of being with him in that mood.

The relationship I am in now is very very different. So much more of this relationship is about what is in the mind, both His and mine. There has never been any anger, agression or abuse in this relationship. Just control and deep submission. Needless to say, I think I have found out more about myself this way, and dug much deeper to understand myself and my need to serve.

That is not to say I always get it right, old habits are hard to break... but now the punishments are considered and measured and never delivered in anger.

Velvet <3

nancy said...

I can't imagine angry play..the two words don't seem to fit together.

IMO Anger has no place when one is playing with a submissive.
I was hit once in anger; thankfully, that made me so angry that I knew it would never happen again.

I can't imagine how angry play would help with dissipating any anger.

If Sir were angry with me, he would talk with me long before he'd even dream of anything else.

I suppose it is personal and the response is different for everyone.

I'm curious to see what other people think. Interesting topic~

NewToThisLife07 said...

Again I find myself agreeing with you Pygar; "play" whilst angry is no longer play. During play the Dom has to be in control, perceptive and always be able to look ahead and take action if something would change during the course of the scene -is there anything that clouds the mind more than anger? Apart from substances obviously. How many of us would play with someone that was completely off his head? I know I wouldn't.
For the same reason I don't think punishment should be given whilst angry, sure you could still be angry for something, still be stressed out, but you shouldn't feel anger. Punishment should be thought out, appropriate for the situation and have a meaning behind it. Anger does only one thing; deprives you of control.

Dannah Bridger said...

There's a big difference between pretending to be angry for a scene (which can be exciting) and really being angry when interacting (abuse).

Just my .02

Regards,
Dannah

K said...

I agree with you and the others, couldn't put it better. I told him once I wanted him to take his anger out on me. Thankfully he didn't oblige..

K

Mindset said...

Daddy would never strike me in anger, but I have requested to be flogged when I am angry about work as it relieves my tension.

nilla said...

i'm agreeing with you as well, Sir...anger and play are not a(imho) good mating.

My Master has never been truly angry with me, but when i annoyed Him, we talked about it.

He would never use me as a way to dissapate his anger.

The other day, i used my humor to relieve his pissy mood (during a phone call..)...after teasing and laughing and playing...he felt better, lighter, he said...and i felt like i had served my purpose..in being there for him(and in a really positive way...)

nilla

Neo Dom Tom said...

I agree--it's abuse. That simple.

Pygar said...

Thank you all so much for the comments. Please forgive me again if I do not respond to each of you individually.

There seemed to be strong agreement overall that anger and play do not combine. As Nancy says "I can't imagine angry play..the two words don't seem to fit together." She also was hit in anger - and of course responded angrily.

So I was interested that Mindset found some relief of her tensions when angry through being flogged. I think sometimes the catharsis of BDSM play can help many frustrations. There were one or two other subs on the message board thread I mentioned who expressed similar thoughts. Though I would hope that a Dom would provide additional support other than just a flogging!

However I think NewToThisLive07 gets to the heart of it when she says, "is there anything that clouds the mind more than anger" and "Anger does only one thing; deprives you of control."

Control is so important for a Dom. if he is not in control then the situation could become dangerous. In any case isn't the whole dynamic about the Dom being in control? Anger to me implies a loss of control. Interestingly the message board thread discussed the extent to which one could be angry but maintain control. Like other commenters on here I am not convinced by that.

But some have wanted to allow their Master to be angry with them to help him get rid of these negative emotions. Velvet perhaps suggested that and implied it was topping from the bottom. Perhaps it was - but with a loving and positive reason. K also once put herself in this situation. The danger though is that like nancy one might find onself in a situation where, "I was hit once in anger; thankfully, that made me so angry that I knew it would never happen again."

Subs want to please their Masters. They see it as their purpose. So for instance as nilla described, "The other day, i used my humor to relieve his pissy mood (during a phone call..)...after teasing and laughing and playing...he felt better, lighter, he said...and i felt like i had served my purpose..in being there for him(and in a really positive way...)"

I think she describes service of a sub to alleviate her Master's bad mood - a caring and loving activity.

This is very different from a sub accepting anger and abuse.

Thank you all again for all of your individual fascinating insights.

P xxxx

Eden said...

I was going to blog about this, and still am. I don't believe one should beat a submissive in anger. If some dominant is telling you that's their reasoning behind it, I'd run in the opposite direction.

B'Man said...

"Playing angry" is different from "angry play". The latter has too much potential for an unwilling exercise and is too close to the thin line that separates the exercise from abuse. The former is an exercise of the will.

A top must have exemplary self-control to maintain trust.

Pygar said...

Thank you Eden and B'Man.

I think it is good Eden to know when to run - and yes B'Man, I agree on the importance of self-control to maintain trust.

- P

Southern Sir said...

I'm a bit late to the party but I feel that this is a very important subject. Anger should have no place between and Master and their sub. IF you really think about it goes against everything the lifestyle stands for, "safe, sane, and consensual" I'm going to put the emphasis on the "sane" as in the heat of anger things not meant to be said can fall from ones lips and things that shouldn't be done could happen.

When a sub submits to their om, they put their lives in that person's hands, honor, respect, honesty, all those aspects are imperative to the relationship working. Anger does not have a part in that.

Velvet made a good point in that "I think I have found out more about myself this way" I firmly believe that it is a Dom's responsibility to make his sub more than what they are to build them up to be the best they can possibly be.

When I first met my girl she was very impatient, she wanted things now. I firmly and gently worked with her teaching her the meaning of patience. In our time she has learned much and she sees in her heart that from the things I have been teaching her she is becoming a better person for it.

Anger breeds anger, if you train a dog with anger it becomes an angry dog and bites. IF you train a dog with love, strength, firmness and understanding it becomes a faithful companion. The same goes for people.