Thursday, 23 June 2011

macho Doms

Perhaps the title I gave to this blog (A Kind Dom) was a reaction to any assumption that Doms needed to be macho. Yes a Dom needs to be confident and at times assertive. Perhaps that is "macho". But I have heard sub friends talk of of Doms who feel the need to express their machismo to the extent of not really being interested in the response of their subs.

It can come across often as posturing. As if the Dom feels the need to present themselves in a dominating role. Many of you may have seen this kind of thing - and it is an image that seems to present itself often.

However if a Dom has the character to lead and support and offer control to a sub does he need the machismo posturing - or does that come from those who would pretend to be Dom?

11 comments:

Neo Dom Tom said...

I recently posted about how I like to listen to my lizard tell me about her day, and was surprised by a comment from a sub that some Doms don't listen. that's kind of a scary thought to me. If you don't listen, then you are flailing in the dark. You might as well get a blow up doll.

SubRosaNoMore said...

I can't say I've met a lot of Dom/mes, but the ones who impress me the most are the ones who listen with their ears, eyes and hearts. They respond to a sudden intake of breath, a shift in body posture, to the tone behind the words, and can recognize significant moments both verbal and non-verbal. I admire and respect the effort that this takes on their parts. To watch it playing out during a scene can be breathtaking and heart-warming.

blossom said...

What a beautiful description SubRosaNoMore has given, she has said it all as far as i am concerned, i think she has captured it beautifully.

blossom xx

nancy said...

I have to agree with blossom, SubRosaNoMore said it so well...
a Dom who listens as she describes is one to be treasured.

I've met my share of men who don't know how to listen.

The man I call Sir knows how and when to listen.. and when to act.
I'm blessed to be know him.

Sweet girl (aka NewToThisLife07) said...

I think the Dom's who finds the need to be macho haven't really found they're place as a Dominant yet. I think many hasn't gotten past that illusion of what a Dom "should be". They still thinks it's about control by harshness. I think many of these are macho outside of their Dom role too. Isn't being macho a way of not having to show your true self, your inner core? Some do it out of fear of letting people in, some may not have found that inner core for themselves yet. And maybe s further few think it's what women want. I think you have written about it before (i've been in such a conversation before at any rate)that women say that they want men like yourself but still always "lust" after the macho men. I think women like the excitement of macho men, "bad ass" men, but in the end it's a kind and considerate man they want to spend their life with.
A macho Dom however can be a bit of a danger in my eyes. Not one that is just a bit "naturally macho", but the ones that feel the need to assert themselves by being hard (and no not in that way *L*)can lead to damage; to the relationship, to the sub and then ultimately to themselves.
Being a Dom is so much about being perceptive to the sub and I think it's easy to miss the little things if you are constantly concentrating on maintaining a certain image of yourself.

DauntlessVitality said...

I have written about this to a degree, several times on my blog. I personally feel that if you are Dom, it will and should be shown by your actions. Someone should submit to you because you deserve it and they respect you for being Dominant. It should never be because someone says I am Dom, therefore submit.

If someone feels the need to "posture" and act that way, then that is a sign they are insecure about who they are. they are posturing to convince themselves of their position, as much as anyone else. The real Doms, in my opinion, have no need to do this. It will show naturally to the ones that need to know the most. A Dom needs to earn his Dominance over someone and be respected for that position. He DOES NOT need to demand it from anyone.

Just my humble opinion! :)

DV

Goddess Aphrodite said...

Good post and great comments. I see it as a difference in people...Dom or not. There are jerks in vanilla relationships too, who don't listen and act macho. So that is not exclusive to being Dome or not.

A man who can listen and intuit and cares for his woman is a blessing to both, and appreciated in both D/s and vanilla.

But I concur that this posturing as macho is a often a sign of insecurity or uncertainty in the relationship or generally with one's self.

Personally, a kind Dom, who is assertive and confident is a treasure as far as I'm concerned. No need to be macho 24/7.

Thanks for the post and great blog by the way. :)

vanillamom said...

My Master is a macho man to me, to be sure.

He is terrifically strong.

and amazingly controlled with it.

and He listens. Learns me. Gets me. Loves me. This sounds like all about me, and it's not, really! But he took ownership of me very seriously.Like ND Tom said, i;m not his blow up doll, and he is not my rubber dildo. We have interaction, attraction, and he has scoffed at Doms who posture the way You describe, Pygar.

During a playdate last month, forehead to the wall, i listened for him moving around the room. He is silent, you see. I said to him..i'm listening for when you are in the bathroom. Or not looking at me.

Nilla, he said, his tone patient and amused....I am *always* watching you. Did you not notice the mirror on the wall? And where I put you in relation to it? I can see you from *anyplace*...

*shivers*

He sure fills my definition of "macho"...

nilla,
smiling

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Pygar said...

Thank you all for responding. I am sorry it has taken me a while to add my contribution.

Listening seems to be a common thread and something that subs respect more than any amount of posturing. As SubRosaNoMore says - "with their ears, eyes and hearts." It seems to carry more weight than any macho posturing.

I did touch on this in a different way some time ago when I talked about the trouble with being a 'kind dom'. I have been reminded of a beautiful and moving response here from a good friend. I hope she does not mind me redrawing your attention to it.