Tuesday, 17 January 2012

abuse and bdsm

I know I have discussed the difference between abuse and bdsm often before. However I recently saw a discussion on a UK bdsm contact site that had been stimulated by an article that I think refers to the writers experiences in the US scene. The original article can be read here.

The writer claimed that she had been subject to abuse - safe word ignored and limits crossed - on numerous occasions while playing with Doms in the scene. It is clear from my reading of the article that there were times when she may have put herself unnecessarily in vulnerable situations. However it may be that for some inexperienced young women who want to be part of the scene that they feel this is necessary to be accepted.

The thread on the UK site in the main said that people did not recognise that as something that would happen over here. I have little experience of the "scene" in the UK, never mind the US. However from friends I have heard that the UK scene is fairly safe and friendly if one uses sensible caution. Two female sub friends found a New York spanking club similarly friendly and safe - and one of them enjoyed a nice spanking!

I wonder if any readers have experience of "the scene" either in the UK or elsewhere to know how safe it is for female subs - or male subs for that matter. In any situation there can be manipulative Doms. However, I would have thought that members of "the scene" would look after others and ensure safety - otherwise it would get a bad name and eventually disintegrate.

7 comments:

nancy said...

I have only limited experience in "the scene" in the US. Perhaps I've gone to a dozen or so clubs or events.
I've never felt the least bit threatened at any of the clubs or events I've attended. I always felt that there were enough people around who would help me if any problem arose.

Naga-bot said...

I know that the Baltimore area is pretty self-policing: if we see unsafe play, we generally correct it and I know there's a lot of educational series in the area that address things like safety, but most people don't utilize the tools available. People who don't adhere to SSC (safe, sane, consensual) or RACK (risk aware consensual kink), they usually don't last long. This only really applies to those to come out into the public community. I can't really say much else for people who engage in BDSM in private.

That being said, I think abuse is a two way street. Tops and bottoms alike can be abused because negotiation isn't a skill that seems to be stressed. Tops and bottoms may feel 'abused' or pressured into doing stuff they don't want to do.

Pygar said...

Thanks nancy and Naga-bot.

What you each say seems to confirm my own thoughts. Thanks for that.

I'm interested also Naga-bot in your idea that abuse can operate both ways. I think there is a lot in that.

P xx

aisha said...

Abuse can happen anywhere, and i think BDSM walks a careful line between ttwd and abuse. In my community, we work hard at keeping things safe, making sure people know that consent is the key, and what to do if they have a problem.

Like Nancy, i've never felt threatened, and i've gone to kink events alone fairly frequently, both here and in other cities.

That doesn't mean it never happens.

Interesting point Naga-bot makes about tops being abused... i would have thought the power differential had to be the other way for it to be "abuse" but certainly the Top can be mistreated and pressured and all kinds of things... More things to think about.

Thank you.

aisha

P.S. My word verification is veradom - i think that's too cool!

Lily said...

There are a few groups that have great scenes but they are few and far between. For example there was one we were part of on the east cost and it turned out to be one of the best groups we have been a part of, but where we are now the scene is small. We do have a "club" but its highly populated with "players" and we don't "play" at this. There are a few that we would take advice from but our east coast friends would be more likely to be asked for help if the blog community was not able to help!
~Hugs~
Lily

Pygar said...

Thanks aisha and Lily.

I think aisha you are right that the community tries to be supportive and safe but as Lily says - I guess each community is different. Finding a good community for support in ones own area can often be hard - perhaps especially outside the main cities.

P xx

sarah thorne said...

It CAN happen anywhere. Anytime you have some kind of power exchange, the door is open for the one with the power to abuse the other.

I have written about it on several occasions, becoming more vocal after someone I was once associated with had abused different girls (some I knew, and some I knew after the fact) using scene speak and a D/s or M/s dynamic, usually on newbies or inexperienced girls who had no support system or way of really knowing if this was 'how things are done' in the community.

Most of these people are easily weeded out, but there are a few who are good enough at it to manipulate those who don't know by painting themselves as the victim of rumors. Then they jump to another 'group' that has not yet experienced them yet, and the whole cycle starts over.

http://sarahthornewrites.blogspot.com/2011/03/safety-in-scene.html

http://sarahthornewrites.blogspot.com/2011/04/emotional-vulnerability-and-scene.html

http://sarahthornewrites.blogspot.com/2011/08/aesopian-depravity.html

To check out if you so desire....

However, I believe this is possible anywhere. I know some in the UK who have told me tales of uber-Doms.

sarah