Friday 19 July 2013

On having your cake and eating it

Recently at a munch I met a sub who was married but whose husband would not dominate her in the bedroom. She travelled on business and when she was away from home she would go to munches hoping to meet a Dom who could meet her needs. I know other subs online whose husbands will not dominate them and who have searched elsewhere to have their needs met.

I received an email a little while ago from a sub with a question for Uncle Agony. Her boyfriend will not dominate her and she asks whether she can have her vanilla boyfriend and her Master at the same time. You can read her email and my response here. So can she have her cake and eat it?

I know there are readers of this blog who have a husband or vanilla partner who will not dominate them but also a Master as well. For some it is with and for others without the knowledge of their partner. So how did you come to this situation? How do you make it work? What do others think? Is this an appropriate solution to the problem of a partner who will not meet your needs or is it a betrayal of trust?

This has some parallels to our recent discussions on polyamory. There have been some very interesting recent comments on the most recent here. So if you are interested in the topic do go back and read them.


tori said...

It is a very common issue i think, in many cases i think its because these desires are not really realised until perhaps one is older and married.

I have blogfriends that are married/in relationships that also have a dominant in their lives....its not for me to judge.

I personally before meeting my Master was involved with a dominant that was married.

However yes being honest, considering trust is something which i consider so very important in a D/s relationship...and from how i felt when i was with the married dom...

i kept and keep coming back can you genuinely trust someone when they are deceiving another?

and i dont mean that in any way to cause offence to those in these circumstances...but it is what caused conflict for me.

Pygar said...

Yes tori - I agree from my knowledge of online friends that this is perhaps a very common issue.

I understand very well your problem with trusting a Dom who you know is deceiving another. I have been in exactly that situation from the other side. It is a very real dilemma. Thank you for sharing your feelings about this with us.

P xx

Pygar said...

little has also published a very interesting comment on Uncle Agony here.

She writes of the real difficulty of having a separate husband and Dom.

Pygar said...

There is a very interesting new comment on this by Lyoness here. She and her Dom both have other spouses.

Desireous said...

All in all its a very individual decision. This can work or it can have a great deal of draw backs. It can also cause a great deal of devastation if its hidden. I really wouldn't advocate dishonesty. If all people are on board and everyone is open then there is no reason why this shouldn't be done if all parties agree and it suits them.
Ideally for me I'd really like to have everything I want all in one person but that isn't that easy to find and sometimes you just have to settle or work with what life throws you I guess. Lately I've stumbled into the other side of D/s which opens up a whole new can of worms in regards to this subject. What of people who like to be dominated by one and submissive to another? As I feel that's kind of where I'm headed these days.

little said...

tori's comment about trust is interesting. I note that tori was perhaps unmarried / single when she was seeing a married Dom. Having a like experience with both myself and my Dom each committed to a vanilla partner, the concept of trust with Sir is not the same for me as it is in my life partnership with non-Dom.

I have not sought a life partner in Sir and I would do anything to protect the integrity of his relationship to his committed partner. I believe he is the same with regard to me.

The trust I have built with Sir has little to do with fidelity.My trust in Sir is founded on the trust that he will keep me safe, do what is right for me, and never cause me to be harmed physically or psychologically. He trusts me in the same way. His understanding with his life partner is his own and i do not interfere nor do i know what it is.

Sir and i have a relationship negotiated between partners in mutual need. If this were a relationship where we were also life partners, then I could see that trust issues around fidelity in the relationship may come into play. Having said that there are expectations involving trust in not engaging in D/s play with another - a trust in D/s fidelity.

Oh what a tangled web we weave... :)

julie said...

I wonder if it depends on the circumstances in which you enter the relationship. Does the non-com know about the Dom and vice versa. If not then, whatever the nature of the relationship it is about trust and fidelity as much as it is about the kind of sex etc. This is not said in a critical way, since this is the way I did things. I knew my hubby was not a Dom and never could be and I sought a relationship outside of that marriage. What the experience has taught me is that trust and telling the truth is important but so is being with the right person and ultimately if he is the wrong person it won't matter how well you get on in other ways, it probably won't work in the long term.

Pygar said...

Thanks for the fantastic comments. I'll try to respond tomorrow.

Meanwhile readers might also be interested in the parallel discussion on little's blog. You can read it here.

Pygar said...

Thanks again Desirous, little and Joolz. I'm very sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Real life is a big nuisance at times!

Desirous - you appear to believe that polyamory can be made to work successfully. However you clearly prefer the ideal of one partner. I think some like the idea of polyamory for its own sake - yet you seem to see it almost as a necessary evil in enabling you to have your needs met - or have I got that wrong?

Thanks little for your thoughts on trust and the different nature of that with each partner. I feel that like Desirous you seem to have found that polyamory is a way to have your needs met rather than an ideal in itself.

Thanks too Joolz. It is interesting that you also develop the notion of trust in each relationship and again believe it can be made to work in such circumstances.

So it seems there is a consensus that is supportive of C and her question on Uncle Agony. While not ideal there are several commenters who find it works for them to have a Dom as well as a vanilla partner. Thank you all for your interesting, knowledgeable and informative comments.

Good luck to you all and good luck C.

P xx