Tuesday 9 July 2013

polyamory 2 - what women want

I think it is often thought - and sometimes by myself - that it is men who are more interested in polyamory than women. There is a stereotype of women being the faithful home makers while men are predatory and looking for fun with other women. yes, I know it is a stereotype but there are elements of it which I have felt may have some truth in them and I think it is a stereotype that many believe.

So I was interested to read this article recently, Women and sex: the myth-buster. It suggests that the opposite is the case, that women are not suited to monogamy. It also implies that this is because it is they who are often not satisfied sexually by their partners so have frustrated desires which they look to meet elsewhere. Is it not the case that it is the opposite that is often presupposed?

Fascinating article - I will be interested to hear how much readers agree with the discussion in it.


sinister_ali said...

I was fine with monogomy but master pushed swinging until I caved. I haven't died yet so I keep allowing it. I have final say in anyone we play with, the power is all mine. We can stop at anytime if I choose too. It was all the male in my case though.

Mistress Mari said...

That, was an incredibly interesting (and pretty hilarious at parts, too) article! You do find the neatest things to read, Pygar.

There is so much I could comment on but I don't want to turn this into a rambling comment or yet another blog post. Suffice it to say, I thoroughly agree, although not all women (or men) are the same and oftentimes it truly is the opposite way around. I also think there are a lot more cultural and social things that tie in with our perception of men being predators instead of women.

I will say this - for me it wasn't as much sexual dissatisfaction, but the continual loss of friends who wanted me to choose between them or someone else I loved, that pushed me towards polyamory.

That being said, I have instigated a poly situation in every relationship that has gone that direction. And the past three years, I have been very open with any potential partner - I am poly, and I will not give up my other loved ones, so if you think you want something with me then either accept that, content yourself with just being a friend, or quietly exit my life.

It may seem cruel but in the end it saves heartache, keeps lies and dishonesty from my relationships, and I have been saved the pain of losing friends because they won't accept anything less than romance with them alone when I cannot give them that.

However I think it is very difficult for any one person to fulfil the sexual and emotional needs of any other one person - the question is whether they can fulfil most of their partner's sexual/emotional desires and needs and fantasies. If they can, then there is the basis for a successful monogamous relationship.

If not then things are generally bound to fail, even if both people love each other deeply and are well suited to monogamy.

Desireous said...

I'm fine with monogamy when I have a partner who can satisfy my needs. However, that's typically not the case.

Pygar said...

It sounds sinister_ali as if you are not too bothered about polyamory - that you could take it or leave it. So you would be happy with just the one play partner?

P xx

Pygar said...

I am pleased you found the article amusing Mistress Mari. In contrast to ali you appear very committed to polyamory. It seems part of who you are that those close to you need to accept.

You say that it is difficult for one person to fulfil the sexual and emotional needs of another. Is this the same for men and women do you think?

P xx

Pygar said...

I'm sorry Desirous that you have trouble in finding someone who can satisfy your needs. Do you agree then with Mistress Mari that it is difficult for one person to meet the sexual and emotional needs of another?

P xx

G.E. said...

Pygar you always find the most interesting articles, I shall borrow this one lol.

I think it's interesting that we're still thinking that gender defines a person's sexuality preferences when most often it's society and religious influences. If our churches pushed poly, gay/bi relationships it'd be more widely accepted.

I like Mistress Mari enjoy poly relationships and have had a primary partner for a decade...yes a decade. We enjoy loving, having sex with and spending time with other people as well as each other.

I'm a sexual being, that just decided to be honest with my partners and most of all myself.

It's not easy, but we've only got one life to live, why not live it limitless?

saffy said...

i have to say that i am monogamous, and i can't see this ever changing..
In a past relationship i had tried polyamory, because this was what my One at this time wanted, but it was a ruse for other things and ended in a disaster for me , which caused a loss of trust, and would leave me never wanting to be in that type of relationship again just to please a person.

Pygar said...

Thanks G.E. I'm pleased you found the article interesting.

Yes - I am sure you are right that many of our "norms" are actually conditioned by upbringing and society.

It is great that you have been able to develop such fulfilling relationships where you can be open about the need for more than one partner.

We talks about limits in BDSM - but you have a limitless life. What fun!

Good luck

- Pygar

Pygar said...

Thanks saffy. sinister_ali also seemed only to try polyamory because of the wishes of a partner. It seems to have worked for her so I am sorry it was such a disaster for you.

Good luck and have fun in your relationship.

P xx

Anonymous said...

I think it is hard for women to know what we want, to separate the impact of years of conditioning from our biological urges, etc. I speak from experience here. It wasn't until my late forties that I came out of the closet and acknowledged having an interest in and affinity for polyamory.

The fact is I have always wanted to be part of a larger family group of adults. It took me years to come to this realization. At the moment I live with three others. The nature of my relationship with each of these people is different in terms of emotional and physical involvement, but it works for us.

For me, polyamory isn't primarily about sex, but rather the ability to share intimacy with more than one person. The intimacy has to happen first before I have any interest in anything sexual.

Halloween Princess said...

I think the idea of women being better suited to polyamory is interesting. But particularly when taking to women about polyamorous relationships I've found among my friends and myself that friends with benefits (FWBs) do not count in most of our minds as polyamorous behavior. (This reasoning among my friends seems to stem from the lack of romantic involvement with FWBs) Most of my female friends see no problem with having multiple FWBs at a time (not like in the same bed at the same time, but like men we could call), however there is a line in the sand for most of them at having multiple boyfriends at a time.
Long winded point but I think it would be interesting to note that some women define FWBs in such a way in their minds that they do not see it as polyamorous. But they aren't exactly being sexually monogamous or practicing serial sexual monogamy either.

Pygar said...

It is interesting SubRosaNoMore that you too feel that it may be difficult to separate biological urges and years of conditioning. I wonder if that is in fact the same for all of us in different ways.

It is great that you have managed to recognise your needs and find ways of fulfilling them. Thanks for explaining too how polyamory does not need to be about sex.

It is interesting that you refer instead to intimacy. There was an interesting discussion on that topic earlier on this blog here.

Pygar said...

Thanks Halloween Princess. I think you make a very interesting point that having casual sex with multiple partners is very different from polyamory where perhaps a deeper relationship - or intimacy! - is implied. But as you say - it clearly also isn't monogamous.

Desireous said...

It's hard to answer your question. I think that it's just difficult to meet the right person. I truly want to be monogamous and I would have with Sir, for example, but he pushed me to pursue others. I like the feelings that monogamy can provide and I definitely want my guy to be monogamous but it's really hard to find someone who can fulfill my needs and who will feel fulfilled by what I give him as well without adding others to the mix. It sure would be nice though....