unfaithful - 2

While I was back in the UK during December I started corresponding with a submissive American woman who lived in Shanghai. She was happily married with two kids, except ...

Well, you probably know the story, she was submissive but her husband wasn't dominant. He was unable to meet her submissive and possibly masochistic needs. She'd had a relationship with a European, dominant, married man who was also working in Shanghai. It had worked well and met both their needs, apparently without any strong feelings of guilt. However, he had been sent elsewhere by his business. A meet up with another Dom had not gone well.

On my return to Shanghai Inès encouraged me to meet her. I hoped it might be possible to develop a friendship and possible relationship involving the three of us. So we met and it went great. There was an obvious attraction and eagerness to take it further. Some online play ensued while we tried to set up further meetings. Then she had a major family crisis that involved her returning to the US and I have heard little from her since.

I tell this story though as an example of something I have heard from many online submissive female friends. I am sure it will also have been covered in Uncle Agony. I know of many submissive women whose husbands have been unable to meet their needs. This has often been after they have discussed the issues and the husbands have sometimes tried to be the dominant their wives crave but have found themselves unable to carry it off successfully. Some of those subs have gained some solace in online play and others through real meet ups or relationships - through being unfaithful.

I wonder what readers think of this. Is it better for a woman to have a secret relationship to keep their marriage going? Alternatively should they break up with all the additional hurt and damage if they have children? Or should they just put up with it? Perhaps some of you are in this situation and have found your own solution? Do share your thoughts and experiences.

Unfaithful

I had a very friendly comment recently from Ruby Little and followed the links to her blog Bound by Him. There I found a very moving post titled Unfaithful. I do hope some of the issues are resolving themselves for Ruby.

Reading it stimulated a number of thoughts. Firstly I was struck by the fact that Ruby felt guilty that her husband had been cheating on her. It was as if in some way she felt it was her fault, that she had not given him enough so he had to look elsewhere. Though clearly she is also hurt and angry because the trust and mutual respect so essential in a D/s relationship have been destroyed. I wondered if this was a common response in such circumstances - to reflect the guilt back on oneself?

I started to wonder again about the nature of monogamous relationships and wondered if in the pressures of today's society that such exclusivity is almost bound to give rise to such problems. I know it did for me in a previous relationship when I was the guilty party. My current relationship with Inès is an open relationship though we have not pushed this aspect hard. I hope that as long as we each know when the other has desires and needs that they want to be met elsewhere then if we are open about it then such encounters can be accommodated by our relationship. As long as we are open and honest then the trust and respect is maintained. Moving towards this in a conventional marriage is very hard. I wonder though in starting new relationships whether that is something that could be discussed and agreed from the start and whether that would allow un all to be happier with fewer break ups.

I think also that when a partner does go elsewhere for sex it is not necessarily because sex with the current partner is unsatisfactory. It can be that perhaps we are led into looking for variety and change. Perhaps if that is accepted it can help sustain a relationship.

Or then again I may just be talking nonsense! What do others think?

Can online ever be a substitute for a face to face relationship?

I am sure I have written about online D/s and bdsm relationships before. I have had some very intense, real and lasting online relationships that have been very powerful and have stirred strong emotions.

So I was interested in an email while I was away from a reader who had fallen in love and wanted a real D/s relationship. However his girl was married and was only prepared to accept an online relationship. Could it be made to work?

I have reprinted his email (with permission) onto the Uncle Agony blog. You can read it here.

You can also read my very unsatisfactory response. It was written very hurriedly. If you can come up with further thoughts that would be great.