Thursday 3 September 2015

unfaithful - 3. Is polyamory a solution?

In the comments to the first post in this series, Unfaithful, His slut wrote,
I read something that has always stuck with me. One person cannot fulfill all the needs of their mate. How true it is? I'm not sure. I think in order to understand it does take a lot of communication.

If His slut is right and one person cannot fulfill all those needs then perhaps polyamory is what is needed. As Anonymous says in a comment to the same post,
I also think that partners may seek out other relationships for a variety of reasons. It may not always be sexual but often times, our roles in society are so defined that we find ourselves gravitating towards the old standby, when in actuality it could be the connection, joy, release or energy we enjoy from another.
In which case the needs His slut describes are not just about sex or bdsm issues but are much more wide ranging.

So can it be made to work? Does it need to be made to work? Is it even more the case in a fetish or bdsm or D/s context where the desires and needs might be broader or more specialist or just more unusual. Might some of them be much more difficult to be met by one person?

So do you have one person who can meet all your needs or do you hanker for another to help fulfill them or perhaps you already make a poly situation work well for you?


Misty said...

Hummmm...well...I think we are all different and thus we will vary in opinions.

For myself, I wasn't fulfilled until he found me fourteen years ago. Before him, I cheated and didn't stay with one person for very long (yeah, I had issues...still do. Lol). I don't long to be with anyone else, but the idea of having someone else join us is very exciting. Also, if he wanted someone else (as long as he wasn't replacing me!!!) I *think* we could make that work--keeping in mind, if this became a reality I might change my mind. Lol.

So, I guess, it just depends on who you are, what kind of relationship you're in, and where you are at within that relationship...

Pygar said...

Thanks very much Misty

As always - "... it just depends ..."!

Yes, and on what ones needs are - and desires also. The thought of it can be very exciting but when it develops into real other relationships I guess that is where the serious stuff starts.

P xx

tori said...

I think poly is a soloution if all are on board, I don't believe that we will get everything we want from one person, but it's recognising what is important, and that one cannot do without, and if that person is not compatible with that need/want then is it worth pursuing a relationship with that person.

I was in a marriage (vanilla) that did not provide me with what I needed, that being M/s and kink, so I chose to leave the marriage (amongst other reasons) cheating was not an option, it's not something I think imo can be justified.

My first dom was married, his wife not having any knowledge of what he was up to, and I couldn't handle that, how could I trust someone that was being unfaithful to his wife? so it came to an end.

However if the situation was such that his wife knew and was ok with it, I would have been ok with it, and for many situations that works for people.

But however it is done, their needs to be honesty, without it the relationship is based on deceit and I cannot see that as being healthy.

Pygar said...

Thanks tori. I do agree and the point of poly surely is to avoid the "cheating". It is asking the question of whether if one is honest about having other needs or desires or just wanting a broader set of experiences then having open relationships with others may be a possible solution.

Part of my question I suppose is how well this can be made to work. I wonder too if in the bdsm world there may be a greater desire for it - or perhaps the honesty and trust necessary in bdsm makes it more of a possibility rather than less.

As you say, "however it is done, their needs to be honesty, without it the relationship is based on deceit and I cannot see that as being healthy." Trust and honesty is so essential to a bdsm relationship. If that is also built into the poly aspect then does that make it more likely to be a successful prospect?

P xx

Pygar said...

I have been thinking of this in my own situation. My sub Inès is very into other women. I feel she needs a female partner as well as me to be completely fulfilled. I also think that it would be good for her to explore her dominant characteristics in a bdsm context which would need another partner as I do not switch. Perhaps we should be looking more seriously!

I wonder if this is more common in the bdsm world - to seek out further partners to extend one's range of experience that may not be possible with one partner?

P xx

Pygar said...

Readers who want to read further on the subject of polyamory may find this article interesting.

P xx

Misty said...

I have no answers for you, but it is a very interesting topic! Thanks for sharing the article.

Lea said...

I think, like some other commenters, that it can only work if both people are on board. If one person is already cheating, and the other is faithful, I don't believe polyamoury will work; it's more an excuse. Both parties must agree to that and want it wholeheartedly. It really depends on the couple though; I suppose there are those that would be okay being monogamous while the partner is polyamorous. Its hard for me to wrap my brain around personally though.

Pygar said...

Thanks Lea.

Yes I do agree that both parties have to be fully on board.

I guess it works best when both partners feel fully involved - indeed when it stops being "both" but a group perhaps. Like you I wonder if it would work where one partner was polyamorous but the other monogamous. That sounds like a whole different kind of relationship.

P xx