polyamorous or polysexual?

I have had a look back through the archive and discover I have written six previous posts about polyamory . This is an interesting topic that is worth revisiting. However I have been stimulated to return to it following an email from a friend. She pointed me in the direction of a very interesting article by Dennis Najee. You can find it here: Poly And BDSM.

He argues that true polyamory is more prevalent outside the bdsm world than in it. I was particularly interested in his distinction between polyamory and polysexual behaviour. He believes that in the BDSM lifestyle there are a high proportion that play with multiple partners. However he would define this as polysexual rather than polyamorous. I think there may be something in what he writes.

It is much more intensive and committed to commit to a polyamorous relationship as opposed to a polysexual one. So is there an implied rebuke in his assertion - that we in the BDSM world are not as prepared to give that commitment? That would seem strange as the whole nature of a D/s relationship involves a high level of commitment. I have previously seen it argues that polyamory is more rife in the BDSM lifestyle because of our openness to different sexual practices. Though does this just support his suggestion that we are polysexual rather than polyamorous?

He also argues that bringing an additional submissive into a D/s relationship is doomed to failure as it is likely to be based on the Masters desire for a polysexual relationship with a resultant lack of commitment.

Do you have experience of this or strong views about it? I would love to know what others think and I know my friend would do too.

The vanilla perspective

I often get emails from submissive women who are frustrated that they cannot get their vanilla husband or boyfriend to dominate them. Then a few days ago I got an email from John. He is in danger of losing his kinky girlfriend and is looking for advice. You can read his email and my response on Uncle Agony here.

I would be interested to hear the thoughts of readers.

language and submission

I wonder if I am a stickler when it come to language. For instance, I am forever scolding Inès for saying "I want" rather than "please Sir may I have". (Yes, I know. I clearly don't beat her hard enough!) The use of the correct words somehow seems very tied in with the dynamic.

It came back to me recently. A good online friend who I have been emailing recently wrote that if we ever got to meet she would let me spank her if I so desired. It was a kindness. A gift to a friend. We are just friends after all. So why did I rankle at the words "let me"?

Of course she was right to give permission but the words hinted at a holding on to power. That in "letting me" she would be the one in charge.

When trust has been gained though one then moves into a situation where the power can be given over to the other, putting them in charge. That power exchange has created a new situation, the beginning of a D/s relationship.

Then it would no longer be a matter of giving permission as that had already been given.

Imagine though an alternative. That instead of saying if I desired to spank her then she would let me, she were to say "please will you spank me." Using language in that way is giving permission, yet also passing control over to the other. The power has been given through the request in a way that saying "I will let you" does not. It is also making it clear that there is a desire to be spanked. It is not the mere giving of a favour but a submissive desire that gives so much more.

To me a submissive woman asking prettily for me to give her a spanking is so much more interesting and tempting than her giving me permission to do it.

Or is it all just language ... ?

a friend from Shanghai

When we were in Shanghai, Inès and I were remarkably fortunate to meet the amazing Quest. Quest is larger than life in lots of ways - an inspirational character. Several projects ensued. For one of them I took some photographs as Beau. You can see the results on Quest's website here. Do let me know if you like them - or those by the other photographer.

Quest's website, Consensual Roughness, is "part education, part experience. At CR we explore the possibilities of a kinky lifestyle, embracing the curious, the simple, and the quirky." She has the challenging aim to "revolutionize the popular perception of sex and sexuality by creating a safe, inclusive space to discuss erotic interests. We break barriers in the bedroom, confronting taboo sexual expression head on, inviting others to share in our open-dialogue."

To this end Quest is looking for writers and artists to contribute to the site. She writes, "Hey guys! I'm looking for writers (and artists, actually) to write for my website. Shoot me an email at consensualroughness@gmail.com"

If you think you might be interested drop her a line and don't forget to say "Hi" to her from Pygar/Beau.

Happy New Year

Wishing all of my readers a very happy and peaceful New Year. I hope you have all the spanks you desire in the New Year - giving or receiving depending on your preference!

Thank you for reading and commenting throughout the year. Good luck to you all.