I have been thinking further about Janet's dilemma - her email is published on Uncle Agony here. She feels a need to be fulfilled through having more than one partner. She found that it enhanced her relationship with her boyfriend - until he found out about it. It is clear that this is more than a selfish desire for more partners and more sex with no consideration of her boyfriend. If it was that then surely she would have just left him and followed her urges.
She describes this need as something she has been aware of since long before she met her boyfriend. It is only though since engaging with it that she has discovered that it is truly satisfying and something she needs. Though that may destroy her relationship with someone she loves.
I have had emails from many who have found this dilemma in a D/s context. It is perhaps more unusual in the context of polyamory. Or am I just unaware?
Is it the case that some people just cannot be satisfied through only having one partner? Is it just a feeling of being trapped with one partner - whereas having more partners gives a freedom, excitement and greater fulfillment just through the experience of having more than one lover? If one has such a nature then how easy is it to create a polyamorous or polysexual relationship? To be completely fulfilled does it need to be polyamorous rather than polysexual - or does this depend on the needs of the individual? Is polysexual actually less free than having true, loving relationships with more than one person?
Sorry - so many questions here. Is this something readers have come across or have experience of? Do you have a view on any of this - or advice for Janet who is desperately trying to find a way through it?
COVID-19
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No, I am not a health expert or a scientific expert. So I will not try to
offer you any of my own advice. Instead I am going to shamelessly pinch
from Fetl...
4 years ago
3 comments:
So, I've sort of been on the recieving end of this. My last ex, would constantly hide his time with others, and then claim it was necessary for him. He would in the meantime treat me like garbage, and constantly lie to me. We consistently defined cheating as anything you feel as though you need to keep a secret, and all of that definitely qualified, as did the writer of that message. She was very blatently cheating, and disregarding the trust in her relationship, regardless of what else was going on.
As for the ability to be fulfilled while in any form of poly dynamic, I've been polysexual for a long time. I've had bouts of monosexuality due to the needs of my partner, and I've had them simply because I did feel fulfilled with who I was with. I'm at a point in my life where if I'm going to have a partner, I want them to be close, and fulfilling, and more than just someone to bone or play with. It doesn't matter if they're just a friend, or become a serious relationship. I feel fulfilled, and don't go actively hunting for more because they don't make me happy. Being unable to find happiness or fulfillment in the person you're with means you're emotionally detached from that person, but stay with them because you're afraid to be alone, or just don't want to adjust to them being there.
And, yes, I'm speaking in a lot of definites, but track records, and plenty of other people would agree that it's true.
Thanks Loki.
Yes she did go with others without her boyfriend's knowledge and also was not open with him about it straight away. So as you say she clearly was cheating on him at the start. Naturally when anyone has been cheated in this way they are going to feel upset and hurt. Trust within the relationship is going to be hard to rebuild following such occurrences.
I suppose though from her perspective the events did trigger the realisation in her that she needed more than her boyfriend could give her and indeed that one relationship, however fulfilling in itself, was not enough for her. She has then been trying to come to terms with where to go from there.
Thanks for sharing your own experience and perspective as someone who has been involved in polysexual and monosexual relationships. You can see the dynamic from both sides. However you do make it clear that for you a mono relationship can be fulfilling in a way that gives you no need to find another. If I understand you correctly you go on to argue that being unable to find fulfillment with a single partner implies an emotional detachment and a fear of being alone.
I wonder if others agree with you on that point. It would be interesting to hear.
I suppose it gets to the heart of the question I am asking - whether there are some who need more than one lover to be completely fulfilled. You seem to be arguing that should not be the case. It also perhaps raises the issue of polyamory as opposed to polysexuality. I wonder if you feel there is an issue in general with polyamorous relationships?
Thanks for your interesting thoughts on this complex subject.
P xx
Another interesting analysis of Janet's situation has been added to the Uncle Agony blog here.
P
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