change...

The other day I found myself thinking about a blogging friend from many years ago. She and I used to exchange comments on each others blogs, we wrote bits of erotica for each other and created online games. She had a new Dom and was revelling in the adventure. She wrote about it with excitement. She asked readers to write in with suggested scenarios they would act out and she promised to try out the most imaginative and write up what happened.

He was married from a different part of the country and his wife was unaware. My blogging friend delighted in being his plaything. He visited her city regularly for work so they had plenty of time to play.

As the relationship developed it became more serious. Her commitment was total and he took advantage of that. Things that had previously been hard limits were crossed time and time again. She recorded it all, her humiliations, her beatings and her suffering.

The beatings got more severe and with a growing variety of cruel implements. She drank his urine each morning. She carried out his email commands without question, exposing herself in public places at his command. She played with other women. They played together with other couples where she was shared with the other man and as was the other woman for sex and for pain. He made her dye her blond hair black. Later she was commanded to shave it all off. She was given a very ugly tattoo. She was lent out to other men for sex. She was lent out to many men for group sex and humiliation.

All of this was documented regularly on her blog.

She was an intelligent woman who worked in a professional job. Part of her job was to support abused woman so she was not aware of the issues.

And then he left her.

She was no longer the relatively innocent, fun loving sub who had entered the relationship. I exchanged a couple of emails with her afterwards and she had clearly learned a lot and was trying to rebuild her life in positive ways.

That was long ago. I wonder how she is now and whether she has left the world of submission and BDSM or whether she has discovered someone else more worthy of her devotion. Perhaps I should seek out her email address and write to her again in friendship.

We all change. Experiences change us. Sometimes that is for good, though not perhaps always. It is good to always try to learn from experience.

I suppose he was changed as well as her.

I have changed over the years a lot. Not from an experience like this but certainly through relationships with close and special friends. I wonder when you reflect on change in your own life what were the positive factors and can you find growth too in the negative factors.

on breaking trust...

"i've learned that trust is like glass. once broken, no matter how you put it back together, you can still see the cracks"

I came across this quote by chance on Twitter. It had been retweeted by someone who had liked one of my tweets. She seemed to be going through a relationship break up and no doubt these words had a resonance for her.

It made me reflect on the fact that I and others often reflect in discussions here on how important trust is in a BDSM relationship. It is central to all BDSM relationships. It is perhaps essential in certain play situations and in giving someone complete control.

We are though all human. Sometimes things go wrong. We make mistakes. Sometimes we can do things we later regret. Sometimes this could have an impact on trust. If one begins to have even a doubt in relation to trust what impact might this have on a BDSM or D/s relationship?

If you have ever had your trust shaken in someone have you been able to rescue the relationship?

In a BDSM or D/s relationship if trust is once broken will the cracks always be visible or can it be completely repaired. Is it possible to continue a D/s or BDSM relationship when the cracks are still visible? Is there always doubt after trust has been shaken? Is that always the end... ?

I wonder if any readers would be prepared to share their personal experiences of this and how it was resolved?

on receiving pleasure...

In the last post here I pondered on whether it was the role of a sub to seek out ways of pleasing their Dom or rather focus on making themselves available for the Dom to take their pleasure. A sub friend wrote to say she had found the answers in her head bouncing from one side to the other. She ended with wondering how I would have answered - from the Dom's perspective.

So here is my own view on this. However this is clearly only what I would like. Each Dom will have their own preferences - which may even be different with different submissives depending on their nature and their special skills! I may also not be at all typical.

I do like a sub to be active in seeking to please me. I hesitate to use the word "just" after Jz's great comment to the previous post. However just being available, without any active intent, I find too passive. I like strong women. Strong women don't wait to be told what to do. They seek out ways of pleasing. Their strength may occasionally need subduing. I don't seek that, as perhaps some Dom's do, but I recognise it as part of the package. And perhaps that subduing can also be made into fun for both.

Yes, as Jz implied, a sub's efforts to please a Dom may be influenced by what gives them pleasure. However I have no problem with that. I have no fear of "topping from the bottom". If that becomes an issue it soon becomes apparent and can be addressed. I want my submissive to gain pleasure. If she can gain pleasure in pleasing me then the more she will want to continue giving me pleasure. Surely that is a win-win scenario. I think any caring Dom wants their sub to be happy and fulfilled and yes, that will surely include ensuring that she gains pleasure too - though in some contexts that may be through pain!

I found Dani's comment very special when she wrote "If I have a choice, I'd rather give pleasure than receive it any day but whatever my Dom wants I'm open to explore."

I am sure any Dom would welcome that attitude and approach in their submissive. What more could one want? Though I do like my subs to be open to receiving pleasure and not feel guilty about it. If I want to give them pleasure then I will give them pleasure. I gain pleasure from that too - especially in determining the amount and intensity of that pleasure.

I think too that Dani's final sentence should apply equally to dominants and submissives,

"If you care about someone and are intimate with them their happiness and pleasure should be a focus I'd think."

on giving pleasure...

If you are a submissive, do you like to please? Is that not what you are for?

Do you go out of your way to please? Do you constantly think of ways to please your dominant? Are you imaginative in seeking out new ways to give pleasure?

Or are you just there, available, for your  dominant to take their pleasure whenever, however, they want?