The role of humiliation in BDSM

The discussion in the last post focussed on Doms using humiliation as a technique and its appropriateness. This was particularly in response to a reader who had asked why Doms seemed to slip into this approach even after the pre-play relationship had been polite and mutually respectful.

I was reminded of an online relationship I had some years ago with a submissive on the other side of the world. Ours was a polite and respectful relationship - an online friendship that turned into an online BDSM relationship. She made it clear at the start that she was not into being demeaned and gave as an example that she did not want to be called a 'slut'. I am not sure now how the line was crossed but it was not many weeks before she revelled in being a called a slut! So things can change. Although the word was not really being used as humiliation - but more as a celebration!

I have noticed though that in the seven or eight years of this blog the post that has been by far the most read is one on Humiliation. You can read it here.

I think it is still an interesting read and has seventeen comments which include some interesting perspectives from submissive who are both into humiliation or not as well as the perspectives of a couple of Doms.

I wonder why that post is so popular and the most regularly sought? On a weekly basis, of the older posts it tends to be at the top of the most viewed.

I wonder if readers have any thoughts on why the subject is so sought out.

You may also have thoughts on my final sentence in the post,
"Is submission itself a humiliation?"

playing a role...

I had a very interesting email from a reader a little while ago. She had been exploring online, discussing with Doms, enjoying a little online play and banter and discovering what she found comfortable, what was enjoyable and what turned her on.

She likes to have a mutually respectful and polite relationship with her online Dom friends. However she has discovered to her dismay that as soon as it turns into online play that their manner changes. From being polite and courteous they suddenly become quite debasing in their language and  demands. She wonders whether this harsher tone is necessary and whether all Doms resort to it to enforce their dominance. She clearly found it a turn-off.

She asked me whether it was possible for a Dom to maintain an element of his respectful views of a sub (women in particular) during role play, in spite of the power exchange. I think it is. Though I recognise many Doms may use this change in language and apparent attitude as a shorthand for exerting their dominance rather than building on the relationship they have started.

I wonder what others think. Is it necessary to use harsh and demeaning language - or can a kind Dom find more expressive ways of exerting his dominance?

loss - bdsm break ups

Breaking up in any relationship can be very hard.

Is a break-up in a BDSM relationship more intense than other relationship break-ups?

I was talking with a friend a little while ago who had recently split from her partner. She was taking it very hard and finding it very difficult to get over. This was despite it being almost on the cards from the very start as her partner had a very volatile temperament.

It was though a BDSM relationship. My friend was the sub. So she had given her love as in any vanilla relationship. However she had opened herself totally in her submission, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Her partner knew her so intimately; owned her body and soul almost. Now she was gone...

Perhaps that can be the same in a vanilla relationship but I wondered if the nature of a BDSM relationship further heightened the feelings of distress and despair.

Do readers have a view on this, perhaps from their own personal experience?

New Year Resolutions...

Happy New Year everyone. Wishing you all a delightfully happy and kinky 2018.

Have you made any New Year resolutions? No I don't mean the boring ones like do more exercise, giving up smoking again and being much tidier. I am thinking of ones more on the kinky side. Are you going to find more interesting and imaginative ways of pleasing your Master? Are you going to search for even more inventive ways of tormenting your masochistic submissive? Or perhaps you have yet more interesting - or even mundane- BDSM related New Years resolutions to share.

I keep commenting to Inès that she really needs a spanking - usually when she has teased me at a time when she knows I am too tired or too busy to do so. I tell her she will get one later but of course she always "forgets" to remind me. This year I shall remind myself and she may get a few more of those deserved spankings! In fact I want to put much more time aside for that part of our life. We have both been busy with other stresses and commitments this last year which have got in the way of us making time for ourselves and kinky pleasures. So this year my resolution is to make much more time for deviant fun - and perhaps to try to attend a few events.