Thursday, 2 August 2018

Are men just wimps?

I came across a profile on Fetlife today when I clicked on an email link. It raised an issue that I have come across a number of times on Fetlife and also in emails to Uncle Agony. I have paraphrased it here:
"I've always found myself fantasising but when I've ever approached it with a partner the idea has been shut down straight away. I'm looking for hints and tips to getting a partner involved in my naughty fantasies."

At one level it can be someone who has been aroused by reading (I first wrote "coming across" but wanted to avoid the double entendre!) Fifty Shades of Grey. At another level it can be someone with a deeply submissive or masochistic personality who cannot find a partner to satisfy their needs in a safe situation. Both are inherently frustrating and where it is something deep in a person's psyche that they cannot fulfil it can be agonisingly distressing.

All the examples I have are from women in this situation. Given that men tend to be viewed as more assertive and perhaps aggressive, it is surprising that women find it so hard to find a man to dominate them or even get involved in some kinky D/s play.

An online friend had tried to get her husband to spank her as part of an attempt to develop a more D/s scenario. Despite several attempts by him to meet her needs he just could not do it. He had been brought up to be kind and considerate to women and had a deeply ingrained feeling that striking a woman was wrong.

I can understand that in a way. I believe the same in a vanilla setting. However if a submissive woman desired me to meet her needs through tying her up and spanking her - then find me the ropes and the crop! Just why do I never meet these women?

Though even I have my limits as a Dom. I would find it impossible to deliver the kinds of beating that some masochistic women crave.

Perhaps after all we men are just wimps.

16 comments:

Vanessa Chaland said...

Perhaps emotion, upbringing, cause for concern, the feeling of being abusive or a bully is not gender/sex specific. :)

Pygar said...

Exactly Vanessa. I am sure you are right.

P xx

Jz said...

Completely avoiding the dangling “wimp” bait… ;-p

I’m not downplaying the distress of someone who is experiencing “needs not met” but in truth, that question could easily be rephrased as, “How can I change my partner?” - and *that* has a pretty simple answer, doesn’t it?
You can’t.

If you change course mid-journey, you cannot expect that your companion will simply nod and go along with it. You might get lucky and he’ll go along with you (or at least give it a try) but he might not. And you cannot fault him for resistance when what you are requesting amounts to a fundamental change in your relationship. This is not what he signed up for.

Because your request is not just one of “please do this to me.” — What you are asking will require him to change the way he sees himself, to question his beliefs, and potentially, to inhabit a place he considers morally ambiguous, if not downright wrong. That is a profoundly uncomfortable thing to do to someone.

So certainly, ask. You need to speak your need.
But if he can’t or won’t go there, don’t harp on how you can make him.
Instead, figure out your alternatives.

Pygar said...

Thank you Jz, as always a very thoughtful reply. Where someone is well into a long term relationship then I agree that there is no reason why one should expect a partner to magically turn into someone else. Though I imagine the sub hasn’t magically changed either and this has been a longer term change. It might be just one among many examples of couples in long term relationships who can sometimes just grow apart as each of them gains new experiences and moves in new directions.

However I felt that the woman in the first example I gave was talking of shorter term relationships where she was surprised not to be able to find a man who might be interested in the same things or at least prepared to give it a go.

It does go against the stereotype of men being the strong, assertive and even aggressive sex. Perhaps it is evidence that as Vanessa implies, most men may be just as mild, caring and non-abusive as women are often stereotypically described as being.

Which was why I laid the bait of “wimp”!

;)

P xx

Jz said...

Ah, ok.
The way it was expressed as "how do I get my partner to..." led me to believe we were talking of someone who already had a partner and was hoping to make changes.

I can't quite bring myself to go along with "mild, caring and non-abusive" as the default for ANY human. We are really a fairly opportunistic species - it's more a question of how any individual expresses their innate nature. Assertive and even aggressive will show up in all sorts of ways other than just the physical. (I'm no more impressed with the female of the species than I am with the male, I'm afraid - even if it does get me kicked out of the club.) ;-D

Fondles said...

I'm so late to this party. I apologise. Things have been crazy in my world.

Some things were easier than others for BIKSS to approach. The cane, though, that took some coaxing. I don't think it's about wimpiness per se, but self-preservation on the fella's part, in some cases.

It's easy to say, hey, sure, I'll spank / whip / hit you. But women (or so I'm told) are fickle creatures, and it's not difficult to imagine how an argument could escalate into finger pointing and police reports being filed. Anything taken out of context could sound like a crime.

So perhaps it's a journey that needs to be embarked on SLOWLY and maybe, just maybe, after a couple of years (this is an arbitrary time frame, of course) when both parties know they're in it for the long haul a love tap could make an appearance. And then watch that flower bloom.

neriche said...

"...if a submissive woman desired me to meet her needs through tying her up and spanking her - then find me the ropes and the crop! Just why do I never meet these women?"

Hmmm... Do we hear the faint patter of a service Dom in the making? Teeheehee.

Pygar said...

Thank you for joining the party, Fondles, however late!

That is a really insightful post which I think really helps explain the dilemma from a Dom's point of view.

As a submissive, giving yourself into the power and control of another, you need to know they are thoughtful, respectful and trustworthy. Such a person might well have strong reservations about severe or extreme play. You point out the need to embark slowly and the fact that time plays a big part.

Another part of your comment may have inspired a new post. Watch this space!

P xx

Pygar said...

A "service Dom in the making"!

Well there is a thought. I can see a whole new career in front of me. Perhaps you could be my manager???

Because I think I would have to charge for my work. There is almost a contradiction in a Dom providing a service so I may need to be very expensive to enhance my dominance of the situation.

:)

Thanks neriche. I think we could work together on this idea.

;)

P xx

Pygar said...

Thanks again Fondles. You can see the new post following from some of your thoughts here.

neriche said...

*Blush* Well I have heard of a service top, so I extrapolated and figured there must be such a thing as a service Dom...no? I think this is an untapped market among vanilla housewives. A gentle, Kind Dom may be just what they need, Pygar. ;)

Pygar said...

I suppose if one takes the analogy with a "service top" then a service Dom would effectively be working with a submissive who was "topping from the bottom" . There is always an element of that where the Dom is taking fully into account the needs of their sub. However, I do like to be in control and handing that control to a sub might not be something I would be good at!

Perhaps this conversation is getting more involved and serious than we had planned!

:)

P xx

neriche said...

Lol. I can see the unpleasant idea of it taking shape into a not-so-happy-Dom sandwich by way of me as manager and a client sub topping from the bottom. Perhaps no fee is worth that!

In spite of my giggles, it has actually raised a good question that I've come across several times today in my reading (I'm home convalescing...I have time): when might a submissive's written contract detailing limits as well as "kinks to try" cross over into topping from the bottom? I just completed a 6-page kink preferences checklist someone shared with me at a munch. What Dom is going to want to read that? Being a newly minted fan of the idea of a contract as well makes me wonder at what point a Dom might just say, "enough!"?

We've touched on sufficient and clear communication. Is it possible to overdo it?

Pygar said...

Thanks neriche. Though if I have managed to cause blushes and giggles I am pleased!

I'm sorry if you have been poorly and hope you are on the road to recovery.

Personally, I am not a checklist/contract kind of person though I can understand that some are and that it could have a place in BDSM. Your thoughts are very interesting. I may feel a new post coming on...

;)

P xx

Princess said...

Long term partners might open to *some* play/slap&tickle but they have a baseline. Expecting them to morph into different people ever few weeks in the bedroom isn't feasible. There is a difference between a blindfold and eating chocolates n the candlelight versus a driving beat playing n the stereo as the paddle strikes down in time with the rhythm.

Women have scenario in their heads over just what sort of men is the ideal spanker. Or any other category ending in the -er suffix. men are often nonplussed because there aren't enough women around who are truly DTF (down to fuck) as they wish.

Just because there is some kink involved doesn't mean a woman halts the movie in her head. Her hero jut has on chaps and is riding her, instead of a horse across the waving tall grasses. Giddy-up!

Pygar said...

Thank you Princess. I love your analogy in the last paragraph...

Just because there is some kink involved doesn't mean a woman halts the movie in her head. Her hero just has on chaps and is riding her, instead of a horse across the waving tall grasses. Giddy-up!

Giddy up indeed!

:)

P xx