Can we teach the vanilla world about consent?

I was listening to a programme on BBC radio about "The New Age of Consent". It was called 'Re-writing the Rules' and introduced by Jameela Jamil.

I have saved a couple of clips from the programme. The first shows how something can so easily go wrong. You can listen to it here.

However Bitsy also discusses how the BDSM scene avoids this and does it so much better through taking communication, prior discussion and agreement for granted - and can also make it sexy!

You can listen to what she has to say here.

Whoever thought making lists could be such fun? However if you look at most fetlife.com profiles for instance - they are full of lists of what members like and what they do not like. So perhaps we have something that we can usefully teach the vanilla world.

How sexy is your list?

;)

A rulebook for Doms?

There was a thought provoking comment by Princesse to the last post about BDSM Contracts. Her comments may have been influenced perhaps by previous unhappy experiences where Doms proved not to be as experienced as they should have been or proved not to be trusted. However, whatever the stimulus, I think it does raise some important points.

A sub gives control and power to the Dom. Surely as Princesse suggests, they should be able to expect that as part of the agreement the Dom at least knows what he is doing and is going to stick to sane, safe and consensual and would only move to elements of risk when both parties were fully committed to that. It should also be expected that the Dom is fully aware of level or risks and has the appropriate knowledge and experience to engage in the proposed activities.

"Does a pilot fly a plane without his rules in head or does he just wing it?" she writes. I would no more expect someone to submit to a Dom who had no idea of sensible rules in relation to BDSM than I would to fly with such a pilot. The rules aren't just about appropriate knowledge and experience but are also about attitude. Is this someone who you can trust to take care of your emotional needs as well as your physical ones. There is as much danger of potential psychological and emotional harm as there is of physical harm. However much a Dom knows how to use rope safely or to manipulate certain implements, he needs to understand the psychological and emotional impact of such activities just as much as the physical and to regard it as his duty to supply the appropriate after-care.

This may also seem just a matter of common sense. However I am guessing the fact that Princess raised it shows that she may have had experiences where that was not the case.

So how can a sub ensure that all of this is clear? Should they really sit down with their Dom and write out a detailed list of responsibilities of the Dom as part of a joint contract?

"I'm all for a contract that clearly and excruciatingly details how the dominant will care for the submissive. ... It seems the dom needs a rulebook and chart, just as much as the sub. Bring on the ink pens, pencils, erasers and the big bottle of whichever libation of choice. Will take a while to hammer it all out. ;-)"

I think that Princesse may be right to insist that these issues are discussed in some detail. Partly it is a matter of trust. I am not sure that writing it down ensures the Dom is any more trustworthy. So are we just back to good communications, using ones instinct and taking time to build trust and respect? Can one then ever be sure that trust will never be abused or betrayed?

a BDSM contract...

neriche wrote this in her very interesting comment to the post Are men just wimps?

"...when might a submissive's written contract detailing limits as well as 'kinks to try' cross over into topping from the bottom? I just completed a 6-page kink preferences checklist someone shared with me at a munch. What Dom is going to want to read that? Being a newly minted fan of the idea of a contract as well makes me wonder at what point a Dom might just say, 'enough!'?"

I and many commenters on this blog constantly emphasise the importance of communication. So the logical response is to get it all written down; limits and desires; rules and consequences; what, where, when, how...

I am not one for contracts but I know some do have them. In fact that can often be instigated by the Dom. I have often thought it was part of the control aspect, a formal process of submission, part of the ritual that some enjoy. Perhaps though it could be a defensive act for the Dom. If it is written and signed that use of a single tail whip is acceptable then there can be no complaints!

I must admit that I am not one for such contracts though I can accept that they work well for others.

So, as neriche writes, "We've touched on sufficient and clear communication. Is it possible to overdo it?"

Back from Berlin...

In a comment to my previous post below, neriche said...
"Inquiring minds are curious...how'd it go? ;) What's been your favorite kinky holiday, and was it the place or the people that made it so?"

Well...
It went very well thank you. Though not particularly kinky on this occasion. There was an event we had been invited to the day I arrived and also an international munch which we fancied going to. However...

I met Inès in a square just down the road from the apartment we booked and we went there together. Once we had been shown round the very nice place I decided as we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks that we should check out the bedroom.

After that we decided it was perhaps a bit late for the other events and we fancied a quieter evening. So we had a walk and a nice meal and then went back to the bedroom...

Inès was working during the week and I wanted to stroll and relax so we didn't seek out much else. Though I did arrange a photographic shoot with a friend from this blog while I was there which I thought worked very well.

To answer the main question though...

What was my favourite kinky holiday?

I thought first of all of a previous Berlin visit that had a number of interesting kinky events that were quite memorable. However there is another visit, a long time ago now, that stands out. I had a holiday planned staying at the house of a friend in a very scenic area. Near by lived an online friend with whom I had struck up a very close D/s relationship. I spent several days at the beginning of my stay and again at the end of my stay with her. There we explored a whole variety of BDSM and Kink in ways that helped each of us develop. Although I think most of the posts about that have now been taken down any readers of my old Beau blog may remember us writing of it. Sadly, as is often the way with these things, for various reasons it came to an end. I still remember her and that time though very fondly.

So what about my readers...

Will you share a favourite kinky holiday with us?