neriche wrote this in her very interesting comment to the post Are men just wimps?
"...when might a submissive's written contract detailing limits as well as 'kinks to try' cross over into topping from the bottom? I just completed a 6-page kink preferences checklist someone shared with me at a munch. What Dom is going to want to read that? Being a newly minted fan of the idea of a contract as well makes me wonder at what point a Dom might just say, 'enough!'?"
I and many commenters on this blog constantly emphasise the importance of communication. So the logical response is to get it all written down; limits and desires; rules and consequences; what, where, when, how...
I am not one for contracts but I know some do have them. In fact that can often be instigated by the Dom. I have often thought it was part of the control aspect, a formal process of submission, part of the ritual that some enjoy. Perhaps though it could be a defensive act for the Dom. If it is written and signed that use of a single tail whip is acceptable then there can be no complaints!
I must admit that I am not one for such contracts though I can accept that they work well for others.
So, as neriche writes, "We've touched on sufficient and clear communication. Is it possible to overdo it?"
COVID-19
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No, I am not a health expert or a scientific expert. So I will not try to
offer you any of my own advice. Instead I am going to shamelessly pinch
from Fetl...
4 years ago
13 comments:
I had forgotten that there is a contract in Fifty Shades of Grey:
https://youtu.be/HOrCBUADkMM
You can read an example of a contract here:
https://www.evilmonk.org/a/contract01.cfm
I don't think a contract would work for us because it would feel too clinical - and some things just cant be planned / worked out in advance.
Say, in the contract - face slapping got a [YES] but on the day in question the sub just wasn't in the right headspace (for that particular activity) or the dom was doing so with a different energy; sometimes the act or implement isn't the thing that comes into question, but the "mood" or energy (sorry, that's the only word I could think of to describe what I mean) is "off".
If I were to sign a contract it would have to include caveats like "provided you did so with a loving demeaonour, or if in an assertive / dominant tone / way it would have to be while I was clearly in the correct frame of mind to not have said activity cause or inflict any short or long term negative impact on my physical or mental state."
Unless of course, I could add a blanket clause such as "however everything shall stop without prejudice when I call my safeword or you see that I have been negatively affected (even if I don't use my safeword) even tho i had previously agreed to said activities or using said implements as indicated on this contract." Which kind of defeats having one in the first place IMO. For us. Again, I state, for us.
Thanks Fondles. I think you have explained some of the dilemmas very clearly.
One would assume that whatever the contract said the Dominant would have exactly the same responsibilities of care as in any relationship without a contract.
I wonder if the contract, rather than being something that is referred to often, is something that gives a particular frisson at the start or turning point of a relationship. I can imagine it being a very powerful experience going through the drawing up of a contract and signing a commitment giving power over oneself to another person. Similarly it may be a powerful experience for a Dominant to have someone commit themselves to them in such a way.
If one ever got as far as having to refer back to section 2, subsection 3, paragraph 1 then I rather think the dynamic of the relationship may already have been lost!
:)
P xx
I'm all for a contract that clearly and excruciatingly details how the dominant will care for the submissive.After all, he is going to running the shows, switching back and forth between implements, gauging responses, tailoring the action, etc etc.
Does a pilot fly a plane without his rules in head or does he just wing it? Hmmm?
It seems the dom needs a rulebook and chart, just as much as the sub.
Bring on the ink pens, pencils, erasers and the big bottle of whichever libation of choice. Will take a while to hammer it all out. ;-)
This sounds like a very different kind of contract Princesse. Perhaps though, as you imply, it is the more important one.
Why would one submit totally to another without the assurances that you demand. Yes - how is the dom to care for the submissive? Without that knowledge that the dom is going to provide that level of care how could one possibly submit? That takes us back to the central point that arises again and again in so many of these issues and questions that we discuss here - trust.
I sense that you may have had that trust betrayed at some time. I am sure many others will have had similar experiences. However contracts are just pieces of paper. I am not sure I would trust a Dom who signed the contract containing all the details that you describe any more than one who felt trust needed to be obtained in different ways.
Thank you for your thoughts - I can feel another post coming on!
P xx
oh yes, well, I hadn't thought of the contract or the writing or submitting of it as an event in and of itself, but I can see how that could be a very important moment in the relationship.
I await your next post.
Thanks Fondles.
:)
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From a legal standpoint, written consent would negate any legal action against either parties. Consent can be verbal, however if things go south in the relationship, it would be up to the judges discretion of who was more credible. When dealing with the subject of Dominance and submission in a sexual relationship, a signed contract would be beneficial under those circumstances. IMO
Thanks for your thoughts DM.
P
"If it is written and signed that use of a single tail whip is acceptable then there can be no complaints!"
Ok, no complaints...but surely vociferous protesting is allowed!? *winks*
I think neriche that "vociferous protesting" would be almost expected!!!
;)
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Agreed! I also think a “roadmap” might empower the giver who may feel just a little lost when first embarking on this dynamic. Just realizing this myself as I type this, so I’m going to suggest we sit down together and develop one together.
Good luck anonymous. I hope it works out well.
P xx
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