sadism, masochism and sensuality

Uncle Agony recently received an email asking for advice. The question is published here so please do comment there if you have any thoughts.

It got me thinking though about sadism, masochism and sensuality. I read a post on a message board recently that was arguing strongly that if you were into BDSM activity it should not matter whether your partner was male or female whether you were top or bottom. It argued that BDSM was about control, D/s and the administration of pain; that sex or sensuality was something completely different to be kept apart.

S, who has written to Uncle Agony would have some sympathy with this in their own case. S is not interested in sex, sensuality or fetish in this context - but finds that it seems to be inextricably linked in most places, perhaps especially the fetish aspect. I have tried to reassure S that there are many who share these feelings. It got me to wondering whether that was the definition of a sadist or masochist. It could be just the pleasure in administering or receiving pain with no regard for relationship, feelings, sensuality or sex. In such cases if it was just the administration or receipt of pain that was important. It would not matter much who the partner was as long as issues of safety had been taken into account.

I confess for myself I find that difficult but am struggling to accept it. I know someone who I care about was beaten recently by someone who describes himself as a sadist. She enjoyed it very much. If it had been me I would have beaten her with love and consideration for how the scene was going for her. But perhaps she and others wish to remove such activity from the realm of affection and personal relationships.

For me sensuality is inextricably linked with BDSM play. It is what makes it so delicious. But it would be a boring world if we all had the same needs and desires.

Links

I am very aware that my links list is out of date - there are many that are no longer active. Whereas there are other people who comment regularly on here and yet more who link to me who I have not linked to. I would like to link back to friends.

I will try to rectify this soon. So do let me know if you would like a link from me. To help does anyone know of a simple Blogger gadget I can use which will identify blogs that link here? Or any other suggestions?!?!

absent ...

I'm away for a few weeks but will be back here on my return. In the meantime do feel free to look at earlier posts and comment. I love reading all you have to say.

subdrop

Ok - I don't understand it properly. I'm a man and a Dom. I've not experienced it.

Trying to intellectualise it I guess there are different components. One may be almost chemical. The endorphins flooding the body during a session suddenly taken away at the end of it - perhaps causing a withdrawal affect like coming off drugs. Another perhaps emotional. That closeness, trust, use, care, physical contact also withdrawn. A physical reaction too. The body responding to punishment - trying to shut down unessential functions to concentrate on recovery and also to cope with pain. Perhaps also a psychological response. The contradiction between loving care and the administration of pain. How does the mind respond to such contradictions in trying to come to terms with them?

But I've never experienced it. I've never seen it as it happens. I've had it described to me - as if I do understand it.

But I don't.

So ...

... okay subs. Have I got it right? How is it for you?

force

brooke wrote an interesting blog post recently that discussed submission and force.

It got me thinking about Dom's "forcing" their subs into activities. brooke found it exciting at first with her previous owner. She thought of submission as submitting to his will and liked being made to do things that she felt uncomfortable with.

Now though she has a new Master who does not "force" her. She is still doing the same kind of things but no longer "forced".

(I do hope I have got that right brooke?)

It seems to me as if her new relationship is on a different level and that she has a relationship with her Master where she may end up doing things even more extreme - without having to be "forced" because the relationship is right and the trust is there.

I wonder if a sub should ever be "forced", especially if it is crossing a limit. With a Master who one trusts perhaps one can be led gently over a limit without even realising it has happened.

I can remember once in a session with a sub friend I was fingering her. She had on her profile that fisting was a hard limit. That was because a master had tried to do it with her but failed. He told her that she just had to accept the pain. She couldn't so it became a hard limit.

I had four fingers and a thumb inside her. I had been gentle. We were very close to fisting. She was surprised afterwards when I told her how close we were to her hard limit.

So surely domination is not about force but about leadership and supportive control, understanding the needs and fears of ones sub - taking responsibility oneself rather than putting it onto them.

Surely one should never "force" a sub to cross a limit. But to lead them gently across it before they have even noticed ...

... what a delight.

decisions

"What do you want to do today?"

It is a reasonable question is it not?

"Whatever you wish to do Sir," I suppose is a reasonable answer for some. It is showing dereference to the Master for him to decide. Many subs also do not want to decide. That is why they have taken the submissive role - so that they do not have to make decisions. It releases them from the stress of the decision making process. They value the strength of their Master in being the one to take decisions for them.

"What do you want to do today?"

I think it is a reasonable question and demands a proper answer. It may be that in all truth the sub has no particular view on it and can say so.

It may genuinely be that she desires the pleasure of her Master and wants to do whatever will give him pleasure. But he did ask what she wanted to do. It may be that it will give him pleasure to know they are doing something that his sub will enjoy and not doing something that is boring her or is distasteful to her. He may need the information to enable him to make the final decision about what they do today.

"What do you want to do today?"

So I think the question deserves a truthful answer after which the Master can decide what they will do.

But it has got me wondering in general about decision making and whether it is always in a sub's best interests to be let off the hook as it were in decision making. One of the delights for a Dom in such a relationship is often the level of control - that he makes the decisions. Subs do delight in the reverse, in being controlled and having decisions made for them. But are there not times in the real world - and in the D/s part of it too - where it is right for a Dom to expect his sub to make decisions?

mutual masturbation

A friend on a bdsm contact site recently removed "mutual masturbation" from her list of fetishes.

When I was talking with a different sub friend recently she talked of how personal it could be. She was talking not of masturbating each other but for each alongside to masturbate together. She described it as such a private act that for each to do it together, sharing it - it became a very personal and intense activity.

I'm not sure I want to masturbate alongside her ... but it made me think what fun it would be to have her masturbate constantly while I played with her. To have her perform that very special, personal act just for me. Of course done insensitively it could be a disaster. But if the dynamic was right ... ?

We may never meet again - but having thought of this then perhaps I should try to ensure we do meet again!

pleading prettily

I was reminded about this today through an online conversation with a sub friend. It is a phrase I have used occasionally with subs in an almost a joking way. Though I have had some difficulty I must admit in getting previous subs of mine to plead as prettily as I would wish. Either I have far too high standards or have had subs of an inferior quality! (That is intended as a joke. I am still fond of all of the women who have submitted to me and they have my genuine respect.)

I can imagine some Doms not liking pleas from their subs. Perhaps it could seem to some like whining. (I certainly do not like that.) Others may see it as topping from the bottom. However I want to know the needs and desires of my sub. If she has in mind something she would enjoy and wants to try to persuade me then it could be that I may find I enjoy it too.

Also if the pleading becomes very persuasive in delightfully sensual and erotic ways then why should I complain? I have always said that submission should be active rather than passive.

So my dear subs ... you now know how to get round me - as long as you plead prettily enough!

love and affection

I have just posted a new query on Uncle Agony. If you have any thoughts please do add a comment there.

It got me thinking about the emotional intensity of D/s relationships. In my own experience even online relationships can become very intense very quickly.

Rather than Doms having no feelings for their subs and an inability to love as has been suggested there, I find the opposite. There is something so very special about the act of submission. There is a great power in that precious gift such that I then feel a need to nurture and care for the sub who has given herself to me so fully. It is a huge responsibility and surely cannot be carried out properly without affection, care, trust, respect ... and yes, love.

I cannot imagine not feeling some love for a woman who gave herself to me so totally.

sixty

Thank you to all those who commented on the post below and to those who wrote to me. I will add a response very soon.

But hay!!! I'm sixty!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

Lets look forward positively.

So I guess for now I am not retiring and not making any major life changing decisions just yet. Though I guess if not "retired" I am at least "resting" - having no close sub friend to play with just at the moment. Though when I do perhaps I will reverse the normal birthday etiquette and give her sixty birthday spanks rather than the other way around. I am imagining the delightful eroticism of the occasion as I speak just in case there were any volunteers ...

No?

Oh well!

Lots more here soon.

changes

I hope I am not upsetting too many of my readers when I own up to the picture of Pygar at the head of this blog not being me. The Picture is of John Phillip Law in the film Barbarella.

I am much older than he was in that photograph. Though with age one gathers experience and expertise. Together with a little kindness and sense of perspective it has helped me be fortunate on a few occasions to have received similar kindness from some wonderful female friends.

I was faithful to my wife for over 27 years. For reasons I still do not fully understand I decided soon after turning fifty to have my mid-life crisis before it got too late. Since then I have had some wonderful experiences and relationships that have enriched my life. The gifts of submission I have received have been dauntingly humbling. There have been sensual pleasures and delights I had hardly dreamed of. One relationship in particular is burned on my heart and soul forever.

At the start of this I imagined that ten years on it might be time to stop. That when I reached sixty it might be time to return to the quieter, more insular existence I had before.

I will be sixty in a few weeks.

But I am still reasonably fit and active and kind friends say I still look much younger. There are a surprising number of young (to me!) women who like older men. So ...

Part of me wonders if I should just let my new and secret life continue to develop or should I "retire" from my salacious activities or ...

... or should I go for a more major change in my life? A completely new direction throwing the whole of myself into it rather than it being at the fringes of my existence?

As a beautiful female friend used to say to me often:

life is for living

Uncle Agony

The Uncle Agony blog still continues. It is a space where readers can share questions and offer solutions.

Recently a commenter to this blog asked "... as a newbie sub, I would appreciate any advice you could give as to how to avoid the abusers...especially when the starting point is meeting online?"

I have published it as a question on Uncle Agony. Do please feel to offer your own perspectives and advice.

caned

She had not been caned for two years. Her previous parter had turned out to be a sadistic abuser and had caused her harm. But she wanted to experience being caned again.

I felt honoured that she trusted me as a "real Dom" to administer it. They were her words rather than mine! I would not presume to describe myself in such a way.

I sent her to fetch the cane and started counting slowly. I got to twenty three before she returned with the cane. We spent a couple of hours in a variety of play activities before we came back to the cane. She was a little concerned. She had lost weight over the last couple of years. Less "padding" on her bottom! We played a little with the cane - tapping her playfully as she gave me oral before I laid her on her front on the bed and started again just administering gentle taps with an occasional firmer stroke. Then I told her I would administer 23 strokes to match the count of the time for her to find the cane. After each stroke she would count and ask for a harder stroke or a softer stroke or for me to stop. She asked if she could ask for a stroke that was the same strength and I agreed.

I started with a light stroke. I expected her to ask for a harder stroke to please me. She asked for another the same. Each time she asked for another the same. They were gentle strokes but enough to mark her sensitive bottom. I perhaps increased the strength of the blows a little but not much.

When we got to 23 she did not ask for more. I asked if she would take two more to make it 25 strokes. She was unsure at first then agreed.

I asked if she wanted them quickly together to get them over with or one at a time. She asked me to decide. I gave her two quickly then stroked her bottom, took her into my arms and held her.

But she was eager to get up, to see the marks, to have them photographed!

She seemed thrilled with her achievement. It was a delight to see.

But if there is a next time I will suggest harder strokes or more strokes ...

... or both!

avoiding abusive Doms

An online friend left her husband because she came to realise that she was not in a D/s relationship but in an abusive relationship. She said that reading this blog had helped her come to realise the truth. That gave me some concerns about the power of words written here over a glass of wine.

But things seemed to work out well. There were of course teething troubles but she had found her life again and relished it.

It was not long before she found another Dom and fell in love. It all seemed to be going fine until ...

Well - until it became apparent that her new Dom friend was not all he seemed. He was telling lies, had a number of subs who were all the "special one".

There were further complications from both these men of psychological control and abuse. It saens and angers me that there are men out there who pretend to be Doms but who are just manipulative abusers. A true Dom would recognise the precious gift of submission, cherish it and love and care for his sub.

But how does a sub distinguish the true Dom from the abuser? I know many who have struggled with this problem and been hurt. The trouble is that many "Doms" are not aware of the distinction between domination and abuse.

fakes ...

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