Festive Greetings

I'm planning to spend the next few days with family enjoying Christmas together. I hope it works out like that!

I hope too that it is good for all of you who are celebrating Christmas. I trust all of you female submissives have been a "good girl" or Santa may not come. Alternatively you may get a spanking instead but perhaps that is what you wrote to him to ask for... !

*sighs*

Happy Christmas

- Pygar and Inès xxxx

fantasy and reality

(Sorry, I had this post ready to go up last week but some family health issues took over. Better late than never  I hope ...)

There has recently been a considerable amount of reporting about an adult actress who on Twitter accused her porn star boyfriend of raping her. If you missed it there is an article here.

There is an interesting discussion following from it by Aurora Snow here. Aurora was herself an adult actress. In the article she discusses how diffficult it is for some male performers to turn off work mode when it comes to real relationships. She writes,

"Lines between porn work and home life can become blurry, especially when you’re dating a fellow performer. I know. What’s approved of and/or normalized at work isn’t necessarily OK to do at home, too—a fact I’ve had to remind former boyfriends of far too many times. It’s part of the reason I stopped dating fellow performers altogether. What I convincingly “enjoyed” for work is not what I wanted at home.

I wonder how many men have difficulty in distinguishing between fantasy and reality when it comes to relationships and sexual activity. To what extent might the same problems that the male actors are having be replicated in those who watch violent porn or bdsm movies. What looks sexy and exciting on screen could well have a very different outcome if attempted to act out in real life. Is this particularly an issue for young men who may have more online experience than in real life?

Do any readers have experience of this? I don't mean in an acting context (though actors are welcome to join in!) but where inappropriate fantasy is attempted to be played out with problematic results.

doubting ...

I wrote a short post on doubts a couple of weeks ago. I expressed the fact that I occasionally had doubts about my role as a dominant and I suppose about the whole dynamic. It isn't an ongoing doubt. Perhaps it had just passed through my mind again which was why I posted about it. Maybe when our lives are taken over by the day to day stuff and whatever passes for "normal" in vanilla land a different perspective can try to take over.

So is that common? Is it a good thing to reflect? Is it more of an issue for subs than Doms? If so should it perhaps be the other way around? These were perhaps some of the questions in my mind. There was a good response with a number of answers.

The overwhelming response from subs who replied was "yes." There was just one Dom who replied and he said "no." That isn't a very large sample from Doms but the different response from all of the subs is interesting. Though to be fair Lea did say that her Sir also had doubts.

The doubts ranged from a simple unadorned "yes" to more detailed responses. For most it seemed to be occasional but for His slut and mc kitten it was "all the time". Misty and lindy thomas put a positive slant on doubting, that it was "just another way of seeing how we can better ourselves..." and "makes us think more about situations."

The thread got me wondering whether they were right and that doubting is a positive part of our personality that enables us to reflect and improve or whether there was an issue that all the subs seemed to doubt, some of them constantly. Does that become an issue if Doms are confident and subs doubting - or is that just what one would expect?

Developments on the "life change" post below

I published a post here on the Uncle Agony blog with a dilemma from Mary. There was a very supportive discussion that resulted from it and it also stimulated discussion on another post on this blog here. Those of you who followed those discussions might be interested in reading a new email from Mary which I have published here.

Thursday ...

OMG - IT'S THURSDAY!!!

I try to post on a Thursday. I had some thoughts in mind based on last week's post. Thank you by the way to all who responded last week. It was fascinating to find it hit a spot and many wanted to respond even if only with one word. I'll try to write properly about that next week.

I'm just so busy with several projects at the moment. (Sadly not kink oriented!) Though it is good to be busy. (Well, kind of!)

Sorry to neglect you - I'll be back next week.

:)

doubts

I wonder ...

Is it just me?

Or do others ...

Do you?

Sometimes...

... have doubts about all of this?

Of your submision?

Of your role as Dom?

Just sometimes ...

... have doubts?

Do you?

vulnerability and fragility

There was a very supportive response to the email from Mary published here on Uncle Agony. Thank you to all who made such insightful and helpful comments.

In the email Mary described how she was suffering from grief and depression. This got me thinking about the potential vulnerability and fragility of subs at such times.

Many say that is not good to make life changing decisions at such a time. However it is can be at these times that one feels impelled to do something different. There can be a desire for change given a belief that anything must be better than the current situation. Some supported, guided change might be just the thing.

However is this a time when someone manipulative can take advantage of such vulnerability? There may be a strong need for love, kindness and support. It could be easy to fall into the whims of a person purporting to offer such support when they might have a different more manipulative agenda.

Though perhaps the biggest difficulty is for those closest. How does a Dom respond when his sub is going through such a difficult time? Is a time-out from D/s and bdsm appropriate - or is it just the thing that can take the sub away from her cares and help improve her mood through distraction and with the creation of endorphins. This is something a Dom can easily get wrong with the best of intentions. When a sub is in a fragile state perhaps such mistakes could be emotionally or psychologically harmful.

I wonder if you have been there as Dom or sub?

life change

Is a time of major personal distress and crisis the time to make major life changing decisions - including one to newly embrace ones submission?

Mary has written to Pygar asking for advice via the Uncle Agony blog. You can read her full email and my response here.

I know she is eager for advice from readers. If you have any suggestions as to her best way forward please do comment on that post.

Thanks

sensual domination

I recognised myself straight away! In this blog post from the website Deviance and Desire. The website looks to be a very well thought-out and useful resource from what I have seen of it so far.

The blog post asked the question, "What is Sensual Domination?" What it described as a sensual Dom very much reflected how I see myself. I have just checked, and yes "A sensual Dom ..." is the text at the start of my Fetlife profile!

It wasn't just that they identified the same concept. it was that what they described certainly chimed with what I think of as sensual domination and perhaps my approach to a certain extent.

The only part that I had slight disagreement with was, "Sensual Domination tends to be much less about physical restraint and more about mental captivation." For me restraint can be such a sensual act in itself and lead to all sorts of sensual possibilities that I do often like to restrain my subs.

So what do readers like? Are you a sensual Dom - or are you more what they describe as a Domly Dom, a Responsive Top or a Service Top? And what do submissives prefer? Do you like the sensuality of domination in this way or do you get off on more physically masochistic submission or perhaps humiliation?

Do tell all!!!

further reading

I have found the discussion on my previous post emotional sadism very stimulating. I am moving towards the feeling that one of the key issues is the lack of comprehension of society at large that sadism and masochism of any kind could be a key part of a loving and caring relationship. So perhaps the issue relates as much to physical sadism as it does to emotional sadism. mouse wrote in the discussion that some commenters to her own blog found it difficult to recognise that punishment could be accompanied by consent.

There have been lots of discussions on here in the past about the relationships and distinctions between punishment and consent and also bdsm and abuse. The most recent one was only a couple of weeks ago here - it may be worth contrasting it with a very early one from 2008 here. So rather than going over the same ground again I thought it might be worth linking to some of the previous posts for any who are interested in discussing these issues further. These are a some I discovered quickly:

when D/s turns into abuse

abuse and bdsm

punishment and domestic discipline

domination, pain and sadism

avoiding abusive Doms

domestic abuse

punishment

I am sure there are lots more but these are a few I have found for a start. If you have any more thoughts please do post them in a comment below.

emotional sadism

We have discussed emotional sadism here once before though a very long time ago. You can read the previous discussion here. I have started thinking about it again since I noticed that "emotional sadism" is a search term used often to find this blog. In particular a recent search found this blog from the Google entry "healthy emotional sadism and bdsm".

I feel that emotional sadism is not part of bdsm. Rather it is a kind of abuse. What would emotional masochism be and how could that be healthy? What would count as "healthy emotional sadism" and how would that fit in with bdsm practice?

On Googling "emotional sadism" I find most of the entries seem very negative. However I suppose that would be the case if I just Googled "sadism". So can there be a positive way of experiencing emotional sadism within a bdsm context?

blood and gore

I'm afraid I am not into blood and gore. In fact I have an aversion to it. I turn my eyes away from movie scenes where there is bloody violence. I have a fear of cutting and piercing the skin. I can literally go feint at the sight of blood and once many years ago nearly passed out during a first aid lecture on the circulation of the blood.

I know though that there are many who really get off on  knife play, piercing and severe beatings that break the skin. Inès and I went to a local event last weekend which we enjoyed very much. However there were at least three events of play that we saw that included the spilling of blood. Early on we met a woman wrapped in a towel, coming from the shower area. The towel was stained in blood and she still had blood seeping from wounds on her back. Later we watched a couple involved in some very sensual play but which introduced knife play as it got close to the end. The final part of this was a thin cut drawing blood down the sub's back. Close to the time we planned to leave we were playing ourselves in a room where we could see through an observation window into a corridor with a view through to the next room. There a sub was being beaten severely and her bottom was covered in blood - so much so that I drew the curtain, not to prevent others watching us but so as not to have to see the other scene myself!

Discussing the day together later I did wonder about the amount of blood spillage and how safe this was at a public event. I know other events where cutting and needles are not allowed or sometimes only allowed in a specified area. Many events have 'dungeon Masters' present in all the play rooms who are empowered to stop any play if it is felt too severe or outside the rules for the event. There was no monitoring of the rooms at the event last weekend.

I am interested in the views of others who may frequent events more regularly than me. Was this event typical? Alternatively was it unusual in allowing blood spillage in a fairly uncontrolled way without monitoring from any of the organisers? This event was not billed as an extreme one - in fact there is a similar event at the same venue by invitation only which seems to concentrate on this more extreme play.

Am I right to be cautious or am I just being a wimp?

bdsm and depression

In my last post I gave an example of someone who had problems of depression as part of her bipolar disorder. She found bdsm activity helpful not least in channeling her desire for self harm in more positive directions. This was a fictional example but I wrote it as I have known and known of  real people who have found bdsm activity could help them divert their needs to self harm.

I have also known a number of submissive women who have experienced depression in various degrees who found bdsm activity and D/s helpful in significant and different ways. I have written about it on the blog before several times - most recently (I think, though exactly fiver years ago!) here. On an even older post I also raised possible connections with low self-esteem.

I was reminded of the issue not just from last weeks post but also because a reader found an earlier post through Googling "can bdsm help with depression"

So what do readers think? Can bdsm help with depression?

consent

In the BDSM 101 examination paper I mentioned in my last post I wrote a question about consent. It proposed an imaginary scenario in which consent was given but later withdrawn. The submissive in the example suffered from bi-polar disorder, though I could have equally have used other depressive mental conditions.

I will copy the question here:

Sarah and James were in a close BDSM relationship for 5 years. Sarah suffered from bipolar disorder which was mostly controlled through medication. Before meeting James, Sarah used to self-harm, often through cutting herself. Whilst in the BDSM relationship with James she no longer felt a need to do this. Their BDSM play was somewhat extreme. It involved needle play, stress bondage positions and heavy beatings including use of a whip. Eventually the relationship broke down. Some months later Sarah went to a police station with her lawyer. She claimed she had been restrained, whipped and beaten by James and although she acquiesced at the time, that because of her mental condition she was unable to give informed consent. She showed photographs of scars on her back and breasts. How should the police respond?

I suppose the question was ultimately about the ability to give consent in such cases and the responsibilities of a Dom in understanding the needs of a sub and not taking advantage.

Lea wrote,
The police should look for evidence of consent and her mental state at the time. With any case kink-related or not, it should be determined if the person truly was in a sane state of mind. I don't think James should arrested immediately, but that a discreet investigation should take place. It would be my hope that if Sarah was receiving medication, she also had a psychiatrist that she spoke of her issues openly to - this professional could be consulted as to her state of mind and her ability to consent to James.

Sofia Hisservant wrote,
Fascinating question! Legally, I have no idea what they “should” do, but I don’t think they should arrest and charge him. If she’s admitting, at the time she goes to them, that she consented at the time, but that the consent is not valid because of her mental illness, I don’t think she has a case. In order for her to not be able to consent, she would have to have already been found incompetent and be under the care of a guardian. Even if she’s on disability and has a payee, that’s not the same as being found incompetent in a court of law to make personal decisions. If she were stating that he had coerced her into consenting, that might be reason to charge him, but even then it’s going to be a super weak case. As much as I like the idea of RACK, I don’t think there’s a legal obligation for informed consent for beatings. I think the police might have to arrest him or notify him that charges have been filed, but I don’t think she has a leg to stand on.

There were a few comments in response to sofia's answer.
mckitten pointed out that the law in the UK and the US states that you cannot consent to abuse so any BDSM contract would not be enforceable.
Soume Stalked (Fury) noted that this was also the case in Canada.

little monkey wrote,
I am bipolar. This is deep water here. There have been times in my life when I probably shouldn't have had the keys to my own life. The compulsions to behave in certain ways can be impossible to resist, literally impossible, without medication, support, and training. But while I was unable to stop myself sometimes, I always knew when behavior was a bad idea, I just didn't care. So, consent, hmm, that's a tough one. I think in today's world , if she admits to consent, then he shouldn't be prosecuted. Ultimately it comes down to the character of the person you interact with. A person can have a mental illness and still take responsibility for their actions. If you were not coerced or manipulated into consent, then it is less than honorable to accuse someone else of wrongdoing because you regret something you did.

Thank you again to each of them for their thoughts on this tricky issue. I think the legal position is clear that in many countries consent might not be a defense to an accusation of assault following bdsm activities. Whether it should be is another question and the answer to it perhaps partly depends on answers to my main theme. That is all about the complex issues of consent in relation to BDSM activities, the responsibilities of a Dom - and in particular where a sub may be seen to be vulnerable, perhaps especially if she is having psychological problems at the time.

Many of us have suffered from periods of depression and have not always been fully stable. We have perhaps all made decisions we later regretted. What has to be the criteria for someone NOT to be held responsible for their decisions? Are there perhaps occasions where a sub may consent to certain extreme activities - in fact may invite them - but where the Dom should take responsibility for refusing to undertake the activity or perhaps tone it down? How is a Dom expected to be fully aware of all necessary issues?

In the example I concocted, I deliberately chose an example where the BDSM activities might be argued to have been beneficial for the sub - where self harm activities had been diverted into controlled and comparatively safe BDSM activities where another person was taking responsibility for safety issues.

Although it is a "made up" story - a fiction, I believe it highlights some very real issues for submissives and for dominants.

I would be pleased to hear further views about this.

bdsm 101 - the results

On New Years Eve I posted an examination paper (BDSM 101) for readers to try out if they were getting bored with the festive season.

I received three fully completed papers, all of excellent quality. To engage in such a way with the exam will have taken a lot of time and effort. To have done it so well is truly amazing. Thank you very, very much to those who tried it and sent their work to me. I read and marked it all with comments back to each contributor. They all received very good grades - which is a shame in a way as it would have been fun to hand out some punishments!!!!

Lea published her paper here.

Sofia Hisservant published her result here.

Little Monkey's response is no longer available on her blog. I have written to her to check if she is happy for me to post it here. (UPDATE: She has now kindly allowed me to publish her excellent contribution here.)

They are really worth reading so do visit their pages and read the completed papers.

A couple of other readers wrote on their blogs or on Fetlife that they might have a go but I do not think I have heard back from them. If you did complete the exam and I have not found your response on dredging my memory and checking so long after the event please accept my apologies and write to me. I will then add a link.

If their efforts inspire any more of you to have a go please send me the results and I will publish them here.

Once again - many thanks to those who took part.