Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers.

Diana Laurence has written on her blog of erotic stuff to be thankful for.

In this context ...

- I am thankful for having met several good online friends with whom I have had some special erotic fun.

- I am thankful for having been able share as a contributor (under several names) and a reader to the erotic Dragonfly Geisha blog.

If any readers would like to share their erotic stuff to be thankful for then please feel free to do so as a comment.

pushing limits

I talked here a little while ago about "no limits". In the discussion there seemed to be a consensus that there were always some limits - even if these were implicit and understood.

For many there are explicit limits. They can be very hard limits. Ones that it would be a serious breach of trust to try to breach or stretch. I have said a little about this in earlier posts on safewords and mistakes.

But there are other relationships where the very act of submission and of giving oneself to another gives permission for limits to be tested, stretched and broken. I was discussing this with a sub recently where it was clearly almost the purpose of her journey. She wanted to be led further and further into degradation - to be made to do things that she found almost impossible. She then got great pride and satisfaction in having had her limits stretched.

Clearly this will be different in each relationship and a Dom holds great power and responsibility. The sub I mentioned above wrote in her journal recently of being in tears whilst carrying out a task. She also sounded almost in despair over where it was all leading - though another part of her desperately craved that slavery.

How much I wonder is her Dom doing this to meet her needs and how much to meet his desires? How would he know if he had gone too far? How would she? Could there be times when stretching her limits is not psychologically and emotionally safe for her even if part of her craves it?

Talking

I have another blog where I write about some different aspects of my life that ...

... well take a lot of my emotional energy.

Sometimes there are big gaps but at other times I write every day. At the moment the posts are stacked up. So forgive me if my posts here tend to be infrequent. I am grateful for the time people have put into the comments and I promise I will continue posting.

My other blog is intended as a therapeutic tool for me - to help me deal with some difficult situations - to get out that depth of emotion. I know there are many who do this too in the D/s and BDSM field. Talking - or writing - can be a great catharsis - getting out into the open so many worries or concerns - or anger and delight - that just need sharing.

So my writing here is partly a diversion from that other part of my life - but also a way of investigating and sharing some other special thoughts about this interesting and complex world.

Talking and writing can be very special and very rewarding.

Especially when people are listening.

So thank you for listening - and for writing.

Listening

If you are a sub how well does your Dom listen to you? Does he see that as part of his purpose or is that just to instruct you?

If you are a Dom do you listen to your sub? No, I don't mean just take notice that she has dared to talk and that you have not shut her up. I don't even mean hearing the words and understanding them and attempting to reassure her.

No.

I mean do you try to listen to all she has to say - to understand her feelings - to understand what it is that drives her soul. Do you listen to understand the effect her submission to you has on her? The ecstasy and the agony of accepting your instructions and punishments?

Do you listen to her to understand her deeply?

He is telling me "yes" dear sub ... does he really?

Reading this blog

A friend said to me recently in an email that I must be pleased by the success of the Pygar blog. I hadn't thought about it in that way. Its success I suppose is that it has attracted a readership - and an active readership that joins in discussion in a thoughtful, caring and supportive way. It is what I would have hoped for I suppose.

When I started it I was worried that I might get flamed for my views so from the very beginning I have been pleased with all the supportive comments. I hope that because I write honestly and, I hope, non-judgementally in the main then others feel safe to express their views too. I hope it can remain a place where people with an interest in the discussions can express themselves honestly and know that any responses will continue to be supportive. That is not to say that we will not have disagreements. Healthy debate is useful and can help us all develop our ideas and views and knowledge. I know I am still learning and am happy to acknowledge that I can learn from many of the readers of this blog. It has been heartening to have other Doms comment in similar vein.

If this blog has quality and merit - it is because of the quality of comments from readers. Another friend wrote to me that she only read the blog from a feed so had missed most of the comments. If you too are reading in such a way I recommend you visit and read the comments. There is so much of value and interest there. They are the heart of this blog.

So thank you to all who have commented on this blog and helped make it worth reading.

Players

Following an email exchange this evening with a reader of this blog I began to wonder if rather than men masquerading as Doms it might be that some might just lack competence at it and are too inexperienced and lacking the knowledge to realise the commitment needed.

This post however is a follow-up to the previous post "masquerading?" which looked at how to recognise "Doms" who might be wanting to misuse subs. I had already written this new post but had held it back for personal reasons. I think it follows on well though from the discussion on the previous post ...

Despite the fine words we shared in my post about domestic abuse praising Dom/sub relationships. Doms are not always kind, gentle and caring souls thinking only about the fulfilment and happiness of their subs. We are all human.

A very good friend of mine has had some very unfortunate experiences with men who describe themselves as Doms. I believe she has been abused mentally and physically. She is eager to build a successful relationship with a Dom and she has much to offer. It is not ideal but because of her personal circumstances she has had to try to get to know Doms through internet contact sites. She has been misled, lied to, cheated, upset and badly hurt. They promised so much but gave so little. In fact they gave virtually nothing but took so much. There is a giving of trust in such relationships. Because this trust has been broken so often my friend now feels she can trust nobody. That in itself is a great sadness and is real psychological damage she has received from these men.

She is such a beautiful, kind, genuine, caring and submissive woman - she could have given these men so much. I am bemused at how they can toss her aside so thoughtlessly and cruelly.

Finding the right partner to try to build the quality of relationship we were talking about earlier can be so very difficult.

masquerading?

In a comment to my post on "no limits" emdie wrote:
"The so called dominants who leave their subs in psychological damage and just move on to the next victim, in my opinion are not real Dominant Master's. Some people out there are just tops masquerading as such to get what they want."

I agree with emdie's comment in principle - but how is a sub to recognise a true Dom? How long might it take to discover he is only masquerading? What damage might be done in the meantime?