The insecurities of a Dom

When I commented on another blog recently and mentioned my occasional insecurities as a Dom the writer expressed her surprise that Doms to could feel this way.

But we are only human and at times, like anyone else, will feel unsure and even some trepidation. To assume we can automatically fulfil any sub's needs smacks of arrogance. I believe an arrogant Dom can easily become a dangerous Dom.

Uncle Agony has recently received a letter from a new Dom. It is quite a fascinating and honest piece about trying to help his wife awaken her submissive desires whilst developing his own Dom nature. I think it has great potential. He is keen though to have some views from other subs that might help him in wakening his wife's submissive tendencies.

So if any of you who can remember the awakening of your own submissive nature would like to offer advice I know he would be grateful to hear from you - or from others who have supportive comments.

same sex sex

Why is it that many of the most beautiful women on BDSM contact websites all seem to be lesbians? It's not fair!!! If there is such a thing as incarnation then next time round I think I want to be a lesbian. No worries then about whether that erection is going to fail at just the wrong moment! See - even we Doms have our moments of insecurity and self doubt.

Though of course I too would then need to be a very beautiful lesbian to hope to compete with those whose pictures I have seen on the contact websites!

Although I think of myself as being quite adventurous sexually I am though turned off by the notion of male/male encounters. I have more than once had a threesome with two females - and find two women together very arousing. I was once at a group scene where there were just two women and many men but the contact between the men was very limited. So my experience of sex with another man is almost non existent and even the thought of it makes me shudder a little!

However ...

A little while ago I had a scene with a very attractive woman. We did not have full penetrative sex but there was a lot of intimate contact as well as BDSM fun. We'd spent some time together during the day before our intimate time and had lunch, drove around together and chatted about all sorts. We'd shared lots of emails over a period of time. There must have been lots and lots of clues but I didn't pick up on any of them.

It was only later that evening at home that I came to realise that she was a post-op transsexual. It was obvious really. I don't know how I could have missed it. When I realised I felt quite queasy for a while. Some very strange sensations went through me that I feel partly ashamed of. It was my innate prejudices about having sex with a man coming through in a very physical way.

But she wasn't a man. To all intents and purposes she was a fully functional woman. A beautiful woman. But ...

Although I am happy to remain a friend I could not bring myself to be intimate with her again.

It is a failing in me perhaps - something that I should try to get over. If I could come to enjoy sex with men as well as women ... well then that's twice as much fun I suppose. But I'm afraid the thought still makes me shudder.

Another friend has said to me that the transsexual woman should have been open with me about the fact. Part of me agrees (the part that still winces slightly as I recollect my time with her) but part of me thinks that she is proud now to be a woman and should make no apologies for her past male life. I wonder what others think.

guilt and inhibitions

I recently published a letter on Uncle Agony. Christina seems eager to explore new directions but finds she has many inhibitions and hang-ups that make it difficult for her. She feels this is caused by guilt as a result of her upbringing.

I have responded there briefly. I feel that she could be helped to do this if she has a patient and understanding lover and Master. However I have no direct experience of this scenario. If any of you have ideas perhaps you might comment there.

Thanks

- P

variety ...

... is the spice of life they say!

I thought soon after I had started this blog that I had written a post about how I would refer to Doms and subs on here. However I have looked back and can't find it so I'll try to write it now.

I am a male Dom who is attracted to female subs. However I am well aware that there are many situations where the Domme is female and where the the sub is male. Sometimes these may be same sex relationships.

Yes ... I know I am stating the bleeding obvious. However I decided when starting this blog to write in the language of male Dom and female sub. It is because that is my own situation and it avoided having to always write "Dom/Domme", "He/She" and "he/she". That just seemed clumsy and unnecessary. However, I know that I have a number of readers who may be a male sub or a female Domme and who may be in a same sex relationship. My use of language is not intended to show any disrespect to them and those close to them. If any readers do find my use of language problematic I hope they will contact me. I intend that all may feel welcome in this blog.

I hope readers know that I am not making any assumptions about the gender of Doms or subs in what I write here. I am assuming that the issues raised are the same whatever the sex mix of a relationship. But that may be an incorrect assumption - I know I have much to learn. There may be huge differences. In our society it is more traditional and perhaps accepted for the male to be more dominant and the female less so. I wonder if this has implications for relationships where the female is dominant and the male submissive. Can it cause problems in the way they are perceived by others? Is this the same with same sex relationships or is the gay community more accepting of a variety of sexual and relational proclivities?

pain

"Pain is the body releasing weakness."

This statement or something similar was displayed in a training area for soldiers undergoing special training. I suppose there are areas other than D/s where pain has to be seen as positive.

A switch friend wrote in her blog,

"... pain is extreme sensation, and is not necessarily bad or best avoided."

I reminded her of this, much to her chagrin, shortly before I started to beat her! We discussed the kinds of situations in which pain might be embraced and even requested.

But pain is in reality the body's way of warning of danger - that one could become or have already become injured. People who do not experience pain are in serious danger of coming to real harm.

But somehow BDSM has reclaimed pain as a positive thing - not necessarily bad or best avoided. An extreme sensation - to be embraced as with erotic sensation. Are these sensations so different? The look on the face of a woman experiencing ecstasy though orgasm is so similar to that when she experiences pain. I wonder if that is part of why I can enjoy inflicting pain whilst being a gentle person in other contexts?

I suppose we all have our own reasons for enjoying giving or receiving pain. Some switches enjoy both! I wonder how much my readers have pondered on their reasons for enjoying giving or receiving pain?

schoolgirl role play

I wrote a post last week entitled "age play". It was pointed out, correctly I think, that what I was discussing was not really age play. I think this may not be either but is perhaps related to it.

There are many - not necessarily of the BDSM community - who enjoy schoolgirl role-play. Escort friends have told me it is a popular request from clients. Many men seem to find the schoolgirl look - or the thought of spanking a "naughty schoolgirl" erotic. I have read discussions of this on escort message board sites. Punters and escorts seem to be at pains to insist that it is nothing to do with fantasies about having sex with or spanking real schoolgirls.

But ...

... it is something I am still very uncomfortable about.

Part of the reason is that in a previous area of my professional work I had to attend case conferences occasionally to discuss and decide action in relation to suspected cases of child abuse. Yes I know that in D/s role play and other fantasy role play it is not abuse or anything related to it ... but the connection is in my mind so I cannot use it as an erotic fantasy. It is the opposite - a real turn-off for me.

Maybe I am just missing something.