Pause

I shall be away all of next week. However I will be thinking of something to post on my return!

Back soon.

P xx

submision and sex

I have written before that for me BDSM is intimately connected with sensuality. But what about sex?

There is no direct connection between D/s and sex or BDSM and sex. For many, D/s is separate from sex and a BDSM scene may have no sexual content. Indeed many professional Dominatrices and submissives specifically exclude sexual contact from their services.

I do not have to have sexual contact as part of a scene - however I do like it. The submission of a woman to me has a erotic charge. It has often happened when I have read an email from a woman submitting to me where they have written nothing salacious - yet I have found myself become physically aroused. So yes, for me there is a direct connection between D/s and sex.

How is it for you? Do other Doms become aroused by someone submitting to them? And what about subs? Do you become aroused by another dominating you?

love

There is a great discussion taking place on Uncle Agony about love in the lifestyle. I am almost afraid to join in - in case I will put people off! Thank you to all who have contributed. If you haven't joined in yet or even read it then do get over there quickly!

love and the lifestyle

I have just published an interesting email about this on Uncle Agony. Do add your comments.

the importance of control

The last two posts have been to do with who has control in a relationship. Daneswood told me of an example of her own,

"I had someone offer to pay me £23k a year to be his Mistress. All I had to do is torture him and work him hard as a slave 24/7 and attend the odd business meeting on his behalf. He’d tailored his business to work online 99% of the time. I turned him down because I didn’t feel I’d have all the control, it would be him."

Daneswood felt that despite some of the things he wanted to experience being quite extreme - it was his list of activities not hers. She wouldn't be using her imagination and getting her pleasure from using him. In the end he still had the control as she was carrying out his instructions. Perhaps the financial aspect also gave him some control.

I suppose it was an extreme case of topping from the bottom. I think she was very virtuous to turn down the money though!

leading and being led

This is related to my previous post about who is in control and whether if is okay for a sub to sometimes take the lead and even control in order to give pleasure to her Dom. In this case though it is whether it is okay for a sub to take the lead in order to improve - or even create the necessary dynamic to make the relationship work. The idea came from little one in a comment on Uncle Agony. There was an interesting discussion about whether a sub should perhaps take the lead in emphasising her submission in the hope that it might awaken her husbands dominant side. little one felt this might create a dilemma when ultimately she wanted to be led rather than to lead.

(You can read the full discussion here.)

What do readers think? Is it sometimes good for a sub to take the lead or ultimately might that result in an unfulfilling relationship?

Domination, service and submission

I wrote some time ago about active and passive submission. I explained there how I prefer a sub to actively seek out ways of ensuring my pleasure rather than waiting passively to be used or commanded.

I was reminded of this recently by a post on a message board. The writer who was a Dom said that he sometimes felt submissive if he was passive while his sub was actively pleasing him. I think if a Dom is confident in his dominance then there should be no reason for him to feel submissive. Surely it is the role of a sub to serve and that is what she was doing. However I did get part of his point.

I can remember some years ago receiving a relaxing massage from a platonic friend. It was delightful but I somehow felt almost guilty lying there placidly and receiving pleasure when I felt I should be returning it in some way.

In a sense being serviced by a sub, allowing her to give pleasure, is giving up control and giving the control over to the sub. It is she who is in control of the pleasure giving. Isn't control a key part of the D/s dynamic? Should it not be the Dom who remains in control?

I see no problem with allowing my sub to take control of pleasuring me. However I wonder if other Doms feel it is not appropriate to give up control in this way and whether any subs feel uncomfortable about taking such control?