Inès

I seem to have acquired a new sub.

:)

She is strong, demanding, bossy, controlling, self assured, devouring, selfish, insatiable, manipulative, sluttish, talented, greedy, self centred, bad, grasping, needy, dominating ...

... but eager to learn.

I like a challenge!

Wish me luck.

brats

On D/s contact sites I have often seen subs describe themselves as 'brats' or their behaviour as 'brattish'. I think it is more of an American term but certainly seems to have found its way to the UK in this context.

They tend to do this with some pride and conviction as if it is a positive characteristic. Perhaps making it clear that they are not a push-over. Or rather that their submission is not to be presumed or guaranteed.

To me though it seems in contrast with their submission. Not something to brag about. It is an admission that they cannot submit completely - or at least like to top from the bottom. They seem to be looking for conflict with their Master. A battle for control where he has to prove himself.

I am afraid I could not be doing with it. For me a D/s relationship is based on respect for my control and a real desire to submit. "Brattishness" does not fit in with such a true desire.

I am currently meeting with a friend who is controlling. She knows it and wants to change. She wants a Dom to take control of her instead. I am trying to be that Dom.

It is not easy and there is a long way to go. However she is not being a 'brat' as she genuinely wants to learn to give up control - though she may not find it easy (and neither may I in training her! Though more of that soon.)

abuse and bdsm

I know I have discussed the difference between abuse and bdsm often before. However I recently saw a discussion on a UK bdsm contact site that had been stimulated by an article that I think refers to the writers experiences in the US scene. The original article can be read here.

The writer claimed that she had been subject to abuse - safe word ignored and limits crossed - on numerous occasions while playing with Doms in the scene. It is clear from my reading of the article that there were times when she may have put herself unnecessarily in vulnerable situations. However it may be that for some inexperienced young women who want to be part of the scene that they feel this is necessary to be accepted.

The thread on the UK site in the main said that people did not recognise that as something that would happen over here. I have little experience of the "scene" in the UK, never mind the US. However from friends I have heard that the UK scene is fairly safe and friendly if one uses sensible caution. Two female sub friends found a New York spanking club similarly friendly and safe - and one of them enjoyed a nice spanking!

I wonder if any readers have experience of "the scene" either in the UK or elsewhere to know how safe it is for female subs - or male subs for that matter. In any situation there can be manipulative Doms. However, I would have thought that members of "the scene" would look after others and ensure safety - otherwise it would get a bad name and eventually disintegrate.

bondage and hugs

I like hugs.

Both receiving and giving.

A hug isn't sensual or sexual. That perhaps is a cuddle. Though hugs can turn into cuddles which in turn can ...

But a hug is there to be reassuring, to offer comfort and friendship. It offers physical and emotional warmth. The fact it is non-sexual can help bring trust. The ability to hold someone close for comfort without ulterior motives.

A correspondent some time ago wrote to me comparing bondage with a hug in a delightfully sensual way,

“It’s like a hug that you can’t get out of, an insistent embrace that won’t fail and won’t be denied.”

I know bondage, particularly predicament bondage, can be uncomfortable, painful even, and challenging. It can also emphasise vulnerability and acceptance of control.

However I liked this comforting description of bondage as being in an embrace. I wonder if others ever find it so?

developing trust

It is always said - well by me anyway! - how important trust is in a D/s relationship. Clearly it is important in any relationship. However there can be special concerns about safety - physical, emotional and psychological - that are even more apposite in a D/s relationship and especially where that also involves BDSM.

However I have been surprised in relationships of my own and those of friends how quickly D/s relationships develop and how intense they can become very quickly.

It is as if the length of time it takes to build trust in a vanilla relationship does not apply in a D/s relationship. That trust seems to be accepted so quickly. Perhaps it is because some of the activities demand such trust that it is established so quickly. However shouldn't it be the other way round? That trust is established first before a sub puts herself in risk of potential danger.

Perhaps there are many who are prepared to take the risk. It could even be part of the thrill of the developing relationship.

I worry though that there are unscrupulous or inept Doms out there who need to be identified before they can cause harm. There are also manipulative men who are merely pretending to be Doms to gain power over vulnerable women.

Am I being over-cautious? How do you establish trust at the start of a relationship?

*** Happy New Year ***

I just wanted to say it

to all of you ...

... and to one who will not hear it.

Happy New Year

I'm sure we all deserve one. Very best wishes for 2012 to you all.

P xxxxxxxxxxxxxx