competition

Is there a competitive element between subs?

Who can take the hardest spanking, the most strokes of the cane, the longest flogging, the heaviest paddle? Do Doms delight in having a sub who can take the most pain and in showing her off? Do Doms encourage it in subs with dismissive remarks such as, "Oh ... you're not a real sub if you don't/can't/won't ... "?

I have come across it in comments on some BDSM networking sites. LM talks of it eloquently in her comment here.

Surely BDSM is not a competitive sport?  I certainly believe it should not be.

Have you ever been compared in this way? Encouraged to compete? Felt under pressure as a result of it?

Or do you delight in being the BEST sub ever? But you can't be. Mine is the best. Really!

Looking for a Dom

In the discussion in comments to my previous post, No Limits, I became struck not just by the importance of the trust that must develop between Dom and sub, as I am very concious of that, but also of the difficulty that poses for couples seeking to develop a new D/s relationship.

Desireous gave an example of a prospective "Dom" who communicated totally inappropriately. However I know from bitter experience that it can be difficult as a Dom (perhaps especially a kind Dom!) trying to project an appropriately "Domly" image. It is easy to get it wrong. My woman initially rejected me during our initial online conversation. I was far too nice. She was looking for someone cruel and heartless!

LM also commented on the difficulties as a sub in starting a new D/s relationship. Clearly there may need to be strict limits and guidelines at the start of a relationship until an understanding develops.

So in particular it struck me how hard it must be for a sub to find a Dom who will be compatible and truly meet their needs. Typically a sub will be looking for a Dom who is strong, who can control and use them. They may be looking even for a frisson of anxiety of what might take place when they have given up control. So as well as someone who can impress them by their psychological as well as physical strength they will be looking for someone who is also respectful - who will respect their limits and keep them safe.

I cannot imagine how it must feel to be tied up alone, for the first time by someone who they are still getting to know and trust. There must always be a fear that the initial trust could be misplaced.

I wondered if there is advice that those more experienced at this than me can give to others who may be "looking", who want to experience being controlled and used but who naturally want to stay safe. How do you avoid the idiots, charlatans, wannabes and psychopaths?

No Limits

This is a follow up to my previous post on 'limits'. That post stirred a very interesting discussion. If you have not read it please do take time to have a look.

There was an implication from lil, if I interpret her correctly, that if we take out of the equation things that are just sick or would cause harm then the limits are held by the dominant rather than the submissive.

I wonder how many subs feel enough trust in their Doms to accept no limits. To trust in their Dom completely and submit to ANYTHING for them.

And how many Doms would be happy to accept the responsibility?

the scene ...

We're back from our trip to London. My woman and I have had a great time. It has been good just to have lots of time together to ...

... well I'm sure you don't want to know all about that!

At the weekend we went to an alternative fetish market and also to the "after-party" in the evening. We had great fun and met some very nice people. I wish I'd thought to give out some contact details to some. It is not often that we can get to such events. It has not really been part of my life in the D/s world but my woman and I are interested to explore it further. ( I may write on Beau's blog about what my woman got up to there!)

We were interested though to note the orientation of people there. It seemed as if we were just about the only male Dom / female sub (Mf) couple there. There appeared to be lots of Fm and Ff couples. Why so few Mf couples, we wondered? Adverts we had seen for other events and clubs seemed also to be oriented very much at Fm

Is this typical? Is it just London? Had we just not found the right places to go? Are places that attract Mf couples less friendly and inviting?

I wonder how much others are attracted by scene events or whether, like us until now, you tend to keep your fun between yourselves or with a small group of close friends?