Thursday 17 October 2013

when D/s turns into abuse ...

I had an email recently from a correspondent who had had a wonderful D/s relationship. Her Dom had inspired her to submit and they had many happy years together. However eventually it turned sour. The domination turned into abuse, physically and emotionally. Fortunately the sub realised things were not right, that there relationship had changed and that she was being abused. So she left.

That must have been a very hard thing to do. Such a relationship is so intense and deep needs have been created. I wonder if all would be able to be as strong?

I wonder too if there may be some who are in abusive relationships but have not yet realised. The transition from loving dominance to emotional abuse could be very gradual. It is natural for a sub to want to meet all of their Master's needs. Another sub wrote to me some years ago to say that she had just realised that her relationship was abusive rather than D/s and she too left her husband and divorced him.

Is this something all should be aware of and look out for?


mouse said...

Think maybe it call comes down to how the relationship makes the sub feel. Is she (he) worried and uncertain or do they feel empowered?

It's a hard subject for mouse, there was more than a decade of abuse. For years it felt to mouse, as though she were living in an earthquake that never ends. Years of trying to heal after the relationship ended.

Daddy says sometimes he's amazed that mouse submitted at all to him. But he forgets how amazing he is. To help mouse and ignore at times her craziness. He calms her and lifts her when she's down. He supports her. He holds mouse when she fails and cheers her successes. Yes, he controls mouse...maybe in a way some would be uncomfortable with. It's good, no great for us.

Relationships aren't ever easy.


Unknown said...

I was in an abusive D/s relationship for 6 years...from the age of 13 all the way to 19. I was emotionally and mentally abused on a daily basis and didn't even see it until one day something was done and I found it very unnecessary and very unkind to me and when I said something about it he tried to do like he always had in the past. He treated me like the same little kid from the beginning that didn't know any better than to submit and love him. Had we not become long distance when I was 15 almost 16 I probably would have never started growing and learning to see him for what he was... Well after that incident i stayed away and out of contact with him for about 6 months before one night tying to mend things with the man i so much loved.
he began to talk about how much he hated himself and thought he was a bad person. I thought maybe he meant it and had actually changed. .ubtil he made comment that completely broke me away from him and saved me.
"do you still love me? Because i don't love you at all would mean alot if you still loved me"
I guess my point here is...sonwtimes we are in too deep. We are love too much. We depend on them and we trust them so much that we are blinded to what is happening.
If you are in a D/s relationship and you are living in constant EMOTIONAL pain and dismay...thats not good. That's when it has hit a place that is no longer safe. A healthy D/s relationship should be uplifting. It should be empowering and fulfilling to BOTH parties.

Unknown said...

My first Dom was very abusive to me. He'd beat me and one time he broke my finger. I had busted lips and black eyes and I'd have to make up stories about them. I use the think he's doing this because he loves me. If he didn't then he wouldn't make time to correct me.

I became fed up and I couldn't hide anymore. My body couldn't bare the blows he was giving. And after that it was hard trusting any man.

With my current Daddy. He takes care of me. He really love me. It took me so long to submit to Him. I didn't want the cycle of bad luck to continue. In the beginning I was scared of Him. He could move in to hug me but in my mind I was being attacked. Look at us now 3 years there still a bit of fear there of course, that'll never leave but I'm more comfortable, safe and secure with Daddy.

Pygar said...

Just lost my long response! never mind I'll try again. Damn you Blogger!!!!

Thank you mostly mouse, Ali Cat and Hisprecious slave. I found each of your comments very moving.

It is heart rending to read personal stories of abuse but hear warming to read those of love and kindness.

Building good, positive relationships takes time and commitment, perhaps especially in a D/s context. As mostly mouse says "Relationships aren't ever easy. "

I think Ali Cat describes very well how to recognise when a D/s relationsuip has become abussive when she writes, "If you are in a D/s relationship and you are living in constant EMOTIONAL pain and dismay...thats not good. That's when it has hit a place that is no longer safe. A healthy D/s relationship should be uplifting. It should be empowering and fulfilling to BOTH parties."

Thank you Hisprecious slave for showing us that it is possible to find a loving D/s relationship even after having suffered serious abuse.

I will publish the full email on Uncle Agony very soon.

Thank you all again.

P xx

Betsy T said...

Most of my adult life I was married and lived the way society expected, boring, vanilla, monogomous life but with a bully. I think I was always looking for a D/S situation but since I was never exposed to it, I didn't think to pursue it. The man I was married to was just an a$%hole with a bad temper and both verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I mistook that as a strong, dominant, man. Big mistake. Fortunately, I got out of there. The man who I submit presently to is strict but fair and never lashes out in anger. I think that is the key. He is calm, cool and collected. So,now that I have experienced both an abusive vanilla marriage and a consenual D/S relationship, I know they difference. o me it comes down to being on the same emotional wavelength, trust and consent. I never consented to the way I was treated in my marriage but completely do so in my current D/S situation. It took me long enough, but I finally figured it out :)

Pygar said...

I am pleased it worked out for you in the end sexualysubmissivewoman. I wonder how many thought may put up with an abusive relationship rather than leaving to seek a consensual one where their needs are properly met.

Good luck

P xx

ignotus said...

Hi there!

This is something both submissives and Dominants need to be aware of, though I can only give you my submissive perspective from experience, any Dominant perspective is conjecture.

The relationship I had to end was absolutely and without a doubt abusive and things got to the point that they did because of my submissive nature. I allowed the small steps towards isolation and (the wrong kind of) dependence on my husband because I wanted to defer, I wanted to obey.

He was not, nor will he ever be a Dominant anything. I tried to make him fit a role that wasn't suited. He took advantage of a situation.

I think that this is the case more often than people realise. At least I hope so. I think of Dominants the way they should be. Those that aren't worthy, in my head, aren't Dominants. They are simply pretenders to the throne, so to speak.

As for the other side of the coin, I imagine it's rather easy to slip into a mindset where concern for a submissive takes a bit of a backseat to the trappings of the life. A submissive needs to be aware of their own health, needs, desires, ect. and needs to be able to communicate those things effectively. Dominants are not mind readers. But often when the rules and protocols are in place, they can be seen as roadblocks to communication. It is up to the Dominant to find those roadblocks and eliminate them.

Pygar said...

Thank you Missus Whore. You speak a lot of wise words from a position of authority through your own experience.

It is important, as you say, for a submissive to be aware of her own needs and to communicate them effectively. Clearly a Dom has a responsibility to take account of those needs but it is the abusers who use those needs to manipulate the sub. There may be too many "pretenders" out there. The difficulty is in empowering the sub to take account of her own needs and escape their clutches.

Thanks again for your thoughts

P xx