Friday, 25 October 2013

The difficulty of finding someone new.

At the beginning of the week I published an email and my reply on Uncle Agony here: at a loss.

The email described a loving D/s relationship that turned abusive and the difficulty then in finding someone new. There was a fascinating discussion of relationships turning abusive on my earlier post here: when D/s turns into abuse. However nobody has addressed yet the issue of finding someone new. Is it just that it is very hard? I am sure there will be others of you who have found yourself in the situation of moving on and looking for another. Any tips?

7 comments:

tori said...

I wander if what makes it appear harder is when people are looking for someone new, they have this 'fantasy' image in their head...and nobody ever seems to live up to that ideal?

For sure yes everyone has their preferences, things they wont budge on and shouldnt if its important to them.

Its going to take time, as that saying goes "your going to kiss many a frog before you get your prince"

Go to munches, online sites, clubs, be honest with yourself and others.

Pygar said...

Yes tori - I think there is a lot in what you say. I wonder if after having had a relationship that at one time was very good then one is setting very high standards - not wanting second best as it were. Perhaps if one has already lived the fantasy it is hard to settle for less.

In her email (readers can find it here) C does say she has tried munches and events but has found them shady at best. Perhaps that may be the case in her area as I know there are others that are genuinely friendly and welcoming. You are right though that one has to find a way of going out there and meeting people.

Thanks for contributing.

P xx

Wolf said...

Patience and caution.

Be very slow to commit, but be quick to look for red flags and/or signs of fundamental incompatibility.

Which is really hard when you feel desperate!

Sue said...

And I think it is that "desperate" thing that Wolf alludes to that is the problem... It is inherent in the sense that we are "looking." Perhaps it would go better if we began from a place of comfort and security in being "with" ourselves. Then meeting others would be free of the burdens of desperation. Then the danger of leaping too soon into an ill-considered attachment would diminish. Then we would walk out into the world with heads held high, valuing our own gifts, open to what might be.

swan

Pygar said...

Yes it is interesting isn't it Wolf and Sue that in just the act of "looking" there can begin to rise a hint of desperation. Perhaps all the more the longer one looks without success.

It is good if one can enhance ones self esteem - and then perhaps one will also come across as more interesting and attractive to others.

Good advice from you both - thank you very much.

P xx

slavemala said...

Desperation, yes, ... but also the fear that you will never find anyone more suitable than the one you've left... even if they were less than suitable themselves.

Pygar said...

Yes, that is an interesting and different perspective slavemala - the fear that the next Dom may be no better than the one you left. Though I would not recommend that to anyone as a reason not to leave if they were being abused. I think though it illustrates the worries and fears of starting again and the confidence needed to believe there is something (and someone) better out there.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

P xx