Thursday, 13 March 2014

BDSM and Sex

In an interesting email to Uncle Agony (which can be read here) Sh raised a lot of interesting points. You can read two very thoughtful replies by Petals MJ here and by Lyoness here. It got me thinking about a number of issues.

One of them is whether sex in a BDSM context is more intense, more satisfying, more exciting, more fulfilling - just better, I suppose! Betsy T wrote in a comment here that she thought women in BDSM relationships had higher sex drives - and that BDSM had certainly had that effect on her.

So does BDSM increase your sex drive? Has it improved desire and satisfaction? Is sex in a BDSM context just better?

12 comments:

Domandhissub said...

As a dom I think sex in the BDSM world has to be better. I say has to be because it's more intense deeper connection.
As a kid any kind of sex would be the best stuff on earth but as people mature I think people in general start looking for deeper connections and start needing to push their limits just out of human nature. At one time a bj was taboo then anal now as a society BDSM is the new IT thing.
As far as sex drive goes. When you achieve that deeper connection you feel more sexy and need more. I feel it just brings the SEXY out. So yes.
I've just discovered your blog. Great job Pygar.

Missus Whore said...

I think society and societal expectations affect us all more than most are willing to acknowledge.

I don't know if people, on a day to day basis, realise just how saturated in all of it they are.

We can't help it. It's all around us, in everything we consume and do. The expectations of the majority. Change is slower in this century than the last because the individual groups are becoming more and more interconnected through the advent of telephone, radio waves, and the internet. The larger the group is, the longer it takes changes to have an effect on the whole of perception. If that makes sense.

Anyway.

I don't think individuals who have a preference for things like BDSM are any different than people who don't have that preference. I think by the nature of the activities and being outside what is socially acceptable, those actually engaging in them have a bit more of an open mind than those that don't. Only because it's out of societal expectation though. If spanking your wife was the normal thing to do, I couldn't make the same claim.

I think the nature of sado-masochistic and bondage require a significant amount of trust. There are people who do these things and engage in these acts without the trust, of course, but I don't think they are the average practitioner, you know? As to that trust, in order to achieve it, communication is required. In order for safety to be ensured, communication is required. To that end I think practitioners of this sort have a higher level of communication than the average Joe and Jane Jones down the street. Their communication tends, I believe, to be more precise as well. It's the nature of the beast. In order for safety concerns to be met, both parties need to know what's going on and so forth. And further, because these activities are outside the social norm, and because we are inundated with the social norm, we require more reassurances that this is okay, on all sides. That I am okay with Daddy striking my face, bruising me, restraining me. That Daddy has those reassurances makes him feel better. He doesn't feel like a monster for doing so. He's not harming me. He needs to know that and I need to know he believes that.

This is getting a bit jumbled.

Basically, we're no different from any vanilla couple out there, except our communication is at a higher level out of necessity for our safety. Both physical and emotional.

That being said, the sex I have now is mindblowing. Absolutely mindblowing. I have never had sex this good, or good sex this consistantly in my life.

I don't think it's because he hits me, or chokes me, or makes me tell him I'm his whore.

I think it is because in the act of engaging in the desires I have, that I was raised to believe were deviant (and technically they are) I am free. I am not worrying about hiding something or thinking 'Oh I wish he would...' or any of that. My mind is able to focus soley on the pleasure at hand and that is why it's so much more satisfying.

I don't know if my point is getting across.

Sex is more than a physical act. There is a lot of mental and emotional going on there too, even when you don't believe that to be the case. I think the mental and emotional things can (and often do) detract from the ability to concentrate on and enjoy the physical sensations.

Why else do so many woman have trouble reaching orgasm during penetrative intercourse? Our bodies are built for that. Our nervous systems developed in such a way as to encourage it as often as possible to increase the chances of reproduction. Sex is supposed to feel good. Orgasms are a biological lure to breeding, and as such shouldn't be elusive.

But it's possible I'm completely full of it too. I'm the woman that can get off crossing and uncrossing her legs under her desk at work when she's left her mind wandering too long.

Domandhissub said...

Missus Whore
Heres to hopping you must cross and uncross your legs often.

Pygar said...

I'm pleased you have discovered the blog Domandhissub. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Yes - perhaps it is that BDSM creates deeper more intense connections which in turn makes the sex better.

Good luck

P

Pygar said...

Thank you very much Missus Whore for your very thoughtful comment.

Yes - I think you are right to emphasise the psychological and emotional aspects of sex that are perhaps better awakened within BDSM.

So I hope that not too many readers are getting aroused by the image of you getting off on crossing and uncrossing your legs ...

P xx

petalsMaster said...

For Missus Whore, I read your comment and found myself nodding my head... a lot. While we (petals and I) were vanilla we communicated a lot. We are in an LDR and have a 5 hour time difference but manage to communicate for hours and hours each week. Everyday by email and skype too. When we moved to TTWD we found ourselves engaged in long and detailed discussions about sex and sexuality. We trust each other implicitly too. We were always highly sexed whenever we got together but since introducing kink into our lives sex drive seems to have gone through the roof. "sessions" can last for hours and it didn't drop off even when we got an opportunity to spend almost 2 months together. The giving and taking, the trust, the total engagement of one with the other make sex within the M/s dynamic so much more intense and exciting.

pM

Anonymous said...

Lyoness here,

For me I think BDSM has increased my drive for partnered sex. I had a pretty high sex drive before, but would often find solo pursuits less frustrating than partnered sex. It's also increased desire and satisfaction a lot as I described in my comment on the prior post. I find myself needing a lot less foreplay to enjoy myself, and yet, still usually getting a lot more....sometimes because Sir likes to tease me. For me, I find that sex in a BDSM context is almost an entirely different thing vs a vanilla context. Even when Sir and I have what might look like vanilla sex, it's much deeper and more satisfying, because there's still a power dynamic for us. Also, the pleasure is as much about the mental and emotional side as the physical side. I never really had much trouble achieving an orgasm or two with certain vanilla sex acts, but I'd never really be satisfied. With BDSM, I have more orgasms than I can count, and Sir is always finding new ways to make that happen, and it's more satisfying than I ever imagined.

I think that it's possible that BDSM isn't the only path to this type of connection, but it's the right path for me.

Pygar said...

Thank you petalsMaster for your contribution. It is good to hear of the intensity that persists in your relationship through the BDSM dynamic.

- P

Pygar said...

Thanks Lyoness. It is interesting that you have found that BDSM increases your desire as well as making sex more satisfying.

I know that the BDSM context certainly has an affect on my own desire.

P xx

Master49 said...

Without. A. Doubt.

My pet and I had a good sex life prior to entering a D/s relationship, but it does not hold a candle to what we have now. What we have now takes what we do in the bedroom, and the feelings we get in the bedroom, to a whole new level. It's like the amplifier in "This is Spinal Tap." It goes to 11. And it does not stop. Two years into it, and a couple in our mid 40's, we are still astonished by our sex drive and our animalistic desire for each other. Astounded, at times, when the D/s desires fully kick in and how that affects thing...how wet she gets the more and more submissive she becomes, how much harder I become as my Dominance roars its masculine head.

This is a long way to respond with the simple answer.

YES

Pygar said...

"YES" is a very good answer as well as a simple one Master49! Though the long answer was also fascinating. I'm pleased it is working out so well for you both.

Have fun!

P xx

BDSM said...

Thank you for sharing, phyre, and I’d love to see you whenever you’re ready! My offerings do extend quite a bit into directions most people would never guess. Ultimately.