Thursday, 10 July 2014

trust, intensity and safety

I had a number of interesting conversations at a recent munch. In one I was chatting with two guys. I agreed with one who said that the nature of trust in D/s relations made for a high level of intimacy and commitment. However the other disagreed.

I had described the trust necessary to allow someone to tie you and place yourself totally in their power. However he argued that was no more trusting than inviting a stranger in for a coffee after a few drinks in a bar having met for the first time. He felt this was possibly even more trusting. After all - are not those in the D/s scene actually more trustworthy people?

So would you trust a Dom more than any other passing psychopath? Is trusting a Dom no more dangerous than the trust needed to be alone with someone after one or two meetings? So is the level of trust in D/s no greater than in other relationships and therefore the intensity of the relationship no greater?

9 comments:

lil said...

Lol, No, I would not trust a Dom more than any passing psychopath. Except the one I belong to.

I can't speak to anyone else's relationship, but I do know that mine is far more intense and has a much greater level of trust since our transition to D/s. Though I'm not sure that actually addresses the question...

His slut said...

Our level of intensity, to me, has increased since D/s. The level of trust too. No, I would not give any Dom trust right of the bat, as I would not a passing psychopath.

Desireous said...

One may be relying more on one's own intuition when inviting a stranger home and not so much trust other than trusting their own gut. It's apples and oranges. There is a huge level of trust involved in a D/s relationship. It's the foundation of the relationship, though I suppose it is in any relationship its just more obvious and glaring in a D/s relationship.

Pygar said...

Thanks lil and His slut.

I think you are both expounding a similar view to the one I was in the original discussion that I was having. I was arguing too that there was something special and intense about a bdsm relationship as you each describe.

I think though I was trying to address the point he was making that it can be very trusting to go home with a stranger for sex or to invite him to your home. He was arguing that this level of trust might be as great as that in a bdsm setting - where one knew the partner and where there was a built in code of behaviour in relation to consent, possibly including safe words, etc.

Thanks also Des for your thoughts. I think your distinction between using your intuition and trust is interesting. Though isn't the use of intuition just explaining the decision one makes to take a leap of trust? Whereas the trust in a D/s relationship may be built up over a longer period. Might not the use of such an intuition to take a leap of trust be in some ways more dangerous that that in an existing D/s one? Might it also then be more intense?

Thank you all for your interesting thoughts on this.

- P xx

little said...

Nope..trust has to grow and trust allows the rope to be applied, with out fear. Trust allows vulnerability to be exposed. With respect, having a coffee or drink with someone in a public place does not expose vulnerability. It is by and large a 'safe' situation. Rope without trust and knowledge of the other person, from which trust grows, is not 'safe', it is a gamble.

I don't think I've expressed this as well as I should have. I got the distinct feeling that the man you were speaking with was being too flippant. He has a man's understanding of safety. He has never had to feel the vulnerability that women feel. This is something that most men have never had to feel. Walking down the street at the wrong time of day, or in the wrong, aka lonely, area is a vulnerable situation for a woman. Giving a man, a Dom, control over that vulnerability is not something that can be taken for granted. A Dom, a good one, will take time to prove he is worthy of that trust. A good Dom understands that vulnerability and does not expect that he should be trusted because he claims himself a Dom.

Pygar said...

Thank you very much little for this very strong and stimulating reply.

Yes - I think there is a lot of power and truth in your response that men perhaps cannot fully understand some of these safety issues from a woman's perspective.

You explain the kind of fear that a woman might experience in a vulnerable situation. Is that not though partly what the man I was talking too was alluding to - that a woman going alone at night with a stranger was putting herself in a vulnerable situation. Of course it is very different from the vulnerability of someone being tied by her Dom.

Perhaps with a good and well trusted Dom that enables one to expose ones vulnerability in a safe situation and experience some of the thrill of vulnerability without the risk.

Thanks for your great contribution.

Good luck

P xx

Anonymous said...

I agree with little that in general a man's understanding of trust is different than a woman's.

For me, I would initially trust the Dom less vs the random person. I've met too many pretenders to agree that the D/s community is more trustworthy. But then again, the idea of letting a stranger - Dom or not - into my home after just meeting them is not something I would consider.

However, I would agree that the trust and intensity in a D/s relationship can be much greater once the relationship has deepened and both parties have known each other for some time. Like the others say, I would trust MY Sir with anything. In my vanilla relationships, that was never the case.

- Lyoness

Pygar said...

Thank you Lyoness for your balanced personal perspective. It is interesting that you would initially trust the Dom less. I wonder if others have had the same negative experiences as you with "pretenders". That is rather worrying.

However you trust your Sir more than you have trusted in any vanilla relationship. I think others may share your feelings.

There are some really interesting and different contributions to this thread. Thanks

- P xx

Desireous said...

I think in one instance you are trusting your own gut. However in the BDSM relationship the trust is gradually earned. Most of us don't jump right in, we dabble and allow the trust to build. What's more at least from the sub's point we are slowly allowing the dom to penetrate our souls not just our bodies. This is a trust that extends far beyond just the physical.