submission, pain and masochism

I have written about pain before here. However a conversation with an online friend has got me thinking about it again.

There is a big difference between a submissive and a masochist. There is no reason why a submissive should enjoy pain whereas a masochist revels in it.

Few of us will seek out pain except under special circumstances. However the masochist - and also the sub who begins to learn the pleasure of pain - know of the endorphins that are released that can take one to a special place.

That can be rare for many. It is also different from submission. I think though that the acceptance of pain can be enjoyed by a submissive without the endorphine rush as part of the submissive act. The fact that one would normally avoid pain (after all it is a natural sensation to warn us of danger and potential damage) makes it a very submissive act to accept pain from one's Dom. It can become a measure of the submission - a proof of the depth of it - an acceptance of control and the will of their Master.

So the pleasure in pain can be just a delight in one's own acceptance of control and the will of one's Master. If it were pleasureable in itself then perhaps it would not show and illustrate that acceptance of control and domination - the will to please one's Master despite the pain.

So the pain for a sub who is not naturally a masochist may be very different. However I wonder if this pleasure in accepting pain for a Master turns eventually into accepting pain as a pleasure in its own right. The fact that one is pleasing one's Master though accepting pain gives pleasure and satisfaction that leads one to seek it out ...

... does one then become a masochist?

For a sub in domestic discipline perhaps it is different again. In such cases a spanking or other beating is to control - to punish inappropriate behaviour. If one began to enjoy the spankings ... then surely it would no longer be a punishment and the discipline has gone?

Forgive these initial fumblings. It is a complex subject and I am eager to hear from readers. I have tried to write this from the perspective of the sub - and I have no experience of this. I will try to write later from the perspective of the Dom.

But for now - the sub's perspective. Am I wide of the mark?

struggle

I am struggling with a new post at the moment. I started writing a new post about pain - but am having difficulty with it. While I whip it into shape you might be interested in the following.

I wrote a little while ago about "topping from the bottom".

I have just discovered that someone has used it as the basis for a discussion on Fetlife. If you are a member you can read the fascinating discussion here.

I may try to publish a brief synopsis of it in a comment - unless anyone else feels the urge to do so!

Thank you HisSoleProperty for using my thoughts to engender further discussion of this topic. It is interesting to see how a different group of people have responded to it.

More about 'pain' soon!

lonely heart

Searching for that special sub ...

face slapping

I read a story by an online friend. In it, early on a first meeting the Dom slapped the sub across the face. He later repeated it. My friend confided that it was actually a true story.

I wrote to her that I was not sure I would have been so courageous as a Dom on a first meeting. There is something so very powerful and dramatic and potentially humiliating in a face slap - apart also from the pain and potential damage! Unless of course it had been agreed before the meeting as appropriate play. She told me that before the meeting she would have considered it a hard limit but at the time it moved her and created a passionate arousal.

It is not always like this though. I have seen two bdsm video clips where face slapping had clearly not been discussed beforehand. In each the actress - despite being involved in other very intense play - was upset and shaken by the face slapping to the extent that the scene had to be adapted.

I wonder what it is about this particular act that is somehow so personal and powerful? Any ideas? Do you enjoy/accept/endure face slapping as donor or recipient?

protection

I mentioned in my earlier post about mentoring that I was also thinking about "protection". I had been discussing this with blossom. She has written a post about it here.

There has been some discussion about it in the comments. I tend to agree with Dauntless Vitality in his comment here that it is most often seen on social networking sites. Sometimes a sub will even describe herself as "under Protection" as a way of avoiding too much unwanted and unsolicited mail from Doms.

Alice in her comment speculated on whether another sub could be a protector. I can imagine some scenarios where this would work but blossom was more dubious. I wonder what other readers feel about that?

By coincidence I had an email the other day from a sub who had recently been 'placed "Under Protection" '. With her agreement I have published it on Uncle Agony here. I feel her protector was overstepping the mark - I would be interested to know there whether others agree. However his description of the role of a protector seems very good.

So - what does protection in this sense mean to you? Is it something completely different? Is there a place for this in D/s?

mentoring

Sometimes on BDSM social networking and contact sites one sees subs describing themselves as being mentored by or under the protection of a Dom friend. I was discussing this recently with blossom. She posted about it here.

I have tended to assume just common sense interpretations of these words and corresponding roles. But is there more that comes with it from the D/s dynamic? blossom suggests there may be different levels that could even lead into a training role. For me though a training role would lie outside a mentoring role and be distinct from it. But where the line lies between them I am not sure. For mentoring is a kind of support which is close to teaching ... which in turn can come close to training.

Have any readers felt themselves officially or unofficially mentoring a sub or being mentored by a Dom? Is it more structured than I have described and should it be? Should training form any part of mentorship?

I was going to develop this further into the area of "protection". But that will perhaps be better as a separate post.

100

Thank you Marc_oo - or perhaps I should say "merci".

Mark_oo is the 100th follower of this blog. Thank you also to the 99 others. Please forgive me if I don't mention you all by name!

Some time ago David told me here that I also had 100 readers on Google Reader.

So thank you to those readers too.

All I need to do now is to think of something worth writing for all of you!

No pressure there then ...

PS - Anyone care to accept 100 spanks to celebrate? No? Oh well - it was worth a try! :)

woman

As well as her being a "good girl" I want her to be a woman.

A real woman - with a woman's strength, a woman's sensitivity, a woman's body, a woman's sensuality, a woman's sexuality, a woman's desires and a woman's needs.

Give me a real woman to love, care for, play with and use.

"good girl" - again

I was writing a comment in response to the lovely comments I had to my "good girl" post below. However the responses were all so personal and interesting that I decided to write a follow up post instead.

Thank you all! How wonderful to get so many responses. I suppose it shows how powerful those words were as I had suggested.

Forgive me if I don't thank you all by name - please consider yourselves thanked. "Good girls"!

(And hyvä tyttö to one who hasn't commented yet but also to any others who may understand it - including one who I think might!)

I understand how many of you have found it a term of praise and recognition and thus gives you great pleasure. But wouldn't "well done" do the same? Part of me thinks not.

There is something about "good girl" that seems more powerful Indeed is it not to do with power? The ability for a man to say to a grown woman "good girl" and for her to delight in it? For a strong woman in other circumstances - running a home, a job, taking on so many responsibilities ...

To be described as a "girl" - it might seem demeaning.

But as a "good girl" - then the contrast of the praise with that.

Can that be part of it?

thesubmissivebf mentioned the recollections of its use in our youth. Perhaps that is part of it too.

Mindset talks of the "inner child". Is there not an inner child in all of us that longs to be cherished?

nancy also mentioned the childhood associations.

So is there an element of feeling small and cared for that is part of this that fits in with the D/s dynamic?

NewToThisLife07 values the fact that a Dom also takes pleasure in these words.

Perhaps that completes the circle of domination and submission formed by those two simple words:

"Good girl"

But thank you all for the expressive way in which you wrote of those words moving you ... it was moving also to read of them.

P xxxx

"good girl"

Why are these two words so powerful?

I have used them twice recently with online friends - but not in a serious way. I am not the Dom of either of them. Indeed one has a Dom of her own. I intended no disrespect to him.

With each of them it was kind of an in-joke. It recognised their alignment as sub and mine as a Dom. It was intended as a kind and light hearted remark in the context of a friendly conversation. I was concerned each time in case I had overstepped the mark. It can be a very special comment between a Dom and their sub.

On each occasion the sub took it in the way intended - but also commented on the pleasure they had gained from me using those two words.

What is it about those two words that makes them so powerful?

So to all subs reading - thank you for visiting the blog. You are a "good girl". (Or "good boy"!)

tenderness

I have just published an email from George on Uncle Agony. Here is a small part of it.

"I am afraid "converting" to a D/s-type relationship will ... I don't know, ruin things? How do I balance dominating this girl who I love very much, and by whom I am so perfectly loved, with a D/s sexual relationship? I think that she truly needs to be dominated to be sexually fulfilled. She had a very difficult upbringing in that she was forced to grow up early. Giving up her control and surrendering to the world gives her the relief from her responsibility she needs. I am more than happy to do this for her. But I don't want to lose the hand-holding, kissing, laughing sweetness of a traditional relationship which I take so much pleasure in."

It got me thinking about tenderness, D/s relationships and BDSM.

There are some Doms who are stern and subs who want them to be like that. They appear strict all the time and may enjoy humiliating as well as beating their sub. From the outside there seems little tenderness and the love may appear to take a harsher form. However it may seem very different from the inside.

To me love, care and tenderness are an important constituent part of D/s and BDSM. I remember loving walking hand in hand with the sub who I have been closest to in real life. I enjoyed smiles, snatched kisses and looks - all the things that lovers enjoy. There seemed no contradiction between this and our D/s relationship. It was part of the glue that helped make it work.

Is tenderness not also a constituent part of BDSM? What else is the caress before or after the stroke of an instrument? Without such caresses, contrasts between gentle and fierce, would it not just be a punishment? Just the S without the BD and M.

At then end too of a demanding, intense, painful or emotional scene the helping to bring the sub back to the real world. The holding, hugging, caressing, kissing ...

Perhaps there is more need for true caring and comforting in such a relationship than in other relationships.

Surely tenderness is an essential part of BDSM?

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone.

I hope you all find happiness and fulfilment - as well as a host of sensual delights - in 2011. I hope I do too!

And who knows - we may even find some interesting topics to discuss!

I can hear fireworks going off around me as I write - so once again Happy New Year!!!!

A submissive's say ...

"We do have a say in what happens to us."

Yes Jz you do and should have. Subs understand this I think better than many Doms. Subs who don't understand this are putting themselves in danger.

Do read Jz's recent post. She has written much of what I have been stumbling to say over recent months and years. You can find it here.

I think a good summary is contained in her words here:

"Genuine, sustainable submission comes from deep within and is based on faith and trust."

I hope that is what I have been trying to argue here.

Learning to become a Dom

Uncle Agony has recently had an email from a man whose wife is a sub with some D/s experience - yet he has problems with acting as a Dom but wants to meet his wife's needs. His email and my response are published on Uncle Agony here.

Many of you may have been in such relationships yourselves either as sub or Dom - I know personally of a few. If any of you have thoughts or advice to offer then please do read his interesting email and add a comment.

Am I experienced?

One occasionally sees on contact sites people describing themselves as "experienced Doms" or seeking them. I began to wonder what this meant. Am I experienced?

I get emails from readers asking for advice - which suggests they assume I have a level of experience to be able to help them.

Where though does one gain such experience? How and when does one become experienced?

I do not have experience and expertise of using a single tail whip - but have enough life experience to know not to use it on another human being without appropriate knowledge and experience. Before a planned wax play session with a special friend - I first arranged a wax play session with an "experienced" sub friend. It was my first time and I could discuss it with her as we went along - so as a Dom I learned and gained experience from a sub. One should not be too proud about such things. It worked well - I learned enough to make the special session I had planned work very well because I had gained enough confidence and used appropriate caution.

Experience is very comparative and is not just about expertise in BDSM skills whether they be in use of a whip, wax play or anything else. There is much information available now also on many web sites for those eager to increase their knowledge.

In the end though perhaps more important is experience of life and relationships. In addition a true consideration for the needs of others and humility at ones own lack of knowledge and experience.

A Dom may claim expertise with a particular item of equipment - but if he has not the empathy to understand how and when to use it with a sub friend then that experience is worth nothing.

We are none of us too old or too experienced to learn.

So dear readers - are you experienced?