I came across an interesting post on Fetlife recently. The writer was discussing the act of caring for someone as an act of submission. She was asking if there were male or female submissives who got off on just being caring and kind through looking out for anything their dominant might desire or need in their daily lives. The discussion was about this in a non-sexual or BDSM contact. It was purely about offering service and gaining enjoyment through this care and support. There was no search for punishment or reward. The only reward would be the fact that the dominant had been made happy and that they were appreciative of the care. The fulfilment was coming from the fact that the submissive knew they had done the best they could to do everything as perfectly as possible for their dominant and made them happy.
I think this may well be part of many D/s relationships. However for it to be the sole context of the D/s relationship would, I think, be unusual.
I wonder if it is part of your own D/s relationship?
I am slightly conflicted by this notion. I think of myself as dominant rather than submissive and I don't switch. However I like to give pleasure. I offer care and support to my submissives and gain pleasure from this. After all I am a Kind Dom. Does that mean I have submissive tendencies or am I merely manipulative!
;)
"But why?"
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Recently a couple of very long comments were posted by Anonymous to A Kind
Dom in response to the post punishment and domestic discipline. The
questions sh...
6 years ago
9 comments:
It wouldn’t be the way I’d want my BDSM served up, but if that’s how 2 people want to structure theirs, I can see it being pretty gratifying to both sides. It’s definitely a type of power exchange, after all - and there is certainly a lot of satisfaction to be found in caring for someone and making them happy, no matter which side of the slash you’re on. I grant you that it’s not traditional, but I wonder if that may not be due more to the fact that we’re not used to people leaving the “SM” out of their BDSM?
The dominant is still receiving pure submission, in that his/her every whim is being met. The fact that no punishment or rewards are needed means less flexing of the domly muscle, to be sure, but if it’s not required, why bother flexing? (If the answer is “because it’s fun” then I would suggest you cannot claim not to have sadist tendencies.)
(That is the world-at-large “you”, not the specifically-Pygar “you”.)
As to your somewhat leading question… being kind and wanting to make someone smile is simply the sign of someone who cares - and most dominants I know do indeed have a fairly deep-seated need to care for their submissive. To the extent, in fact, that they often seem to have White Knight syndrome - that instinctive need to ride to the rescue of anyone they think they can help. So you go ahead and twirl your mustache as much as you like - I don’t think anyone is going to buy that your random acts of kindness are the least bit devious! ;-p
While I'd love to actively contribute to this conversation, there is very little I could add that Jz didn't say already.
It would appear it is a D/s relationship, ( though I'd say probably not BDSM unless there is play). But really who cares about letters? And to contradict my last statement...lol... I often say " You can have D/s without Dd but you can't have Dd without Ds". I'm sure you could twist that around to apply here and change Dd to BDSM?
As for your last statement concerning yourself, we have a power exchange relationship, B and I. When he does things for me I don't feel he is serving me or he is submissive. D/s is the thread that weaves through our marriage, but it isn't the entire blanket. On the flip side, when I am doing things for him I don't always feel I am being submissive. Sometimes I feel it is my job or sometimes I am just being his wife, ( based on mentality at the time).
willie
Thank you Jz and willie for your interesting thoughts. As you both have similar views I will reply to both of your comments together or I would be at risk of repeating myself.
There seems to be agreement that it is a form of D/s though if there is no play then not BDSM. Also willie discusses it as a form of power exchange. Part of me wonders if it is necessarily D/s or power exchange if the Dominant is not directing it or insisting on it. Where it is just being provided as a service by the submissive can it just be submission without there being a dominant? Or perhaps submission implies the existence of dominance?
In regards to myself there was an interesting example when Inès and I were abroad for a year. Inès had got a job there and invited me to accompany her. So she was working each day while I was working on my own creative projects. So I did most of the shopping and cooking and looking after the apartment. (I tend to do most of the cooking anyway. I enjoy cooking and that way I can decide what we get to eat!) We went to a local munch. Getting to know people there I described what we were up to. Inès was concerned that it looked as if I was making it look as if I was the submissive in the relationship!
Thanks again for your thoughtful comments.
P xxxx
I linked to this post on twitter and wrote,
In a relationship where a submissive offers service to her partner is it still D/s if her partner does not take a dominant role?
EisleyXO replied,
Depends on what you define as a dominant role. Creating a safe environment, pushing limits, ensuring proper after care, and giving a sub the attention they crave could be considered the bare minimum of a d/s dynamic... I feel like it’s more of a bdsm spectrum now more than ever.
Thank you EisleyXO.
P xx
I don't think this is unusual. Its the core for a lot of service subs I've known.
Thanks Bleue D'âme.
I’ve developed some thoughts on this in a new post above.
P xx
My relationship has components of this... in that I gain fulfillment from making my Sir happy, in a sexual sense, and in a vanilla sense. I don't think I could be completely happy if that was the only component to my submission, however.
Thank you for sharing this Lea.
P xx
Well I don't think that it matters, I for one am a Caregiver/Dom.
There is a lot I do for my sub, not because I must but because I want.
It's small things, brushing her hair, opening doors, setup rituals to make life easier for her. It's me taking care of her.
She does the same for me and goes beyond that.
And she takes care of my every need be it normal or sexual.
Does that make me less Dominant, I don't think so.
It's just who we are, we don't play or flip a switch it's natural.
The big difference is that I have a choice, she doesn't with the set boundaries.
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