The difficulty of finding someone new.

At the beginning of the week I published an email and my reply on Uncle Agony here: at a loss.

The email described a loving D/s relationship that turned abusive and the difficulty then in finding someone new. There was a fascinating discussion of relationships turning abusive on my earlier post here: when D/s turns into abuse. However nobody has addressed yet the issue of finding someone new. Is it just that it is very hard? I am sure there will be others of you who have found yourself in the situation of moving on and looking for another. Any tips?

Finding someone new ...

My last post was stimulated by an email from a reader. In it she described a previous relationship that became abusive. She ended the relationship and is ready to move on. However she is discovering that finding a new Dom is very hard.

Do read her full email and my response here on Uncle Agony.

Do you have any helpful suggestions?

when D/s turns into abuse ...

I had an email recently from a correspondent who had had a wonderful D/s relationship. Her Dom had inspired her to submit and they had many happy years together. However eventually it turned sour. The domination turned into abuse, physically and emotionally. Fortunately the sub realised things were not right, that there relationship had changed and that she was being abused. So she left.

That must have been a very hard thing to do. Such a relationship is so intense and deep needs have been created. I wonder if all would be able to be as strong?

I wonder too if there may be some who are in abusive relationships but have not yet realised. The transition from loving dominance to emotional abuse could be very gradual. It is natural for a sub to want to meet all of their Master's needs. Another sub wrote to me some years ago to say that she had just realised that her relationship was abusive rather than D/s and she too left her husband and divorced him.

Is this something all should be aware of and look out for?

love

It has often been said by me and by others how essential trust is in a D/s relationship. If one is to give themselves to another, to submit completely to their wishes and desires, they need to know that they can trust the other to ensure they come to no harm. That level of trust might often be found in a totally loving relationship. There is clearly strong affection between many D/s couples where that love and affection is entwined within the roles of dominance and submission.

However I recently came across a blog post where the sub was anxious that she might be developing strong feelings for her Dom. She did not want to love her Dom. That was part of her primary relationship. Her D/s relationship was just to meet certain needs. Love or even affection had no part in it. Affection for her Dom almost seemed a contradiction given that she wanted him to use her cruelly. How could he be cruel if he loved her and how could she love him if she suffered cruelty from him?

So that got me thinking about whether love is essential in a D/s relationship or is it a contradiction? Though part of me thinks it may almost be bound to grow from a D/s relationship given the trust and commitment involved.

Is love central to your relationship, irrelevant to it or a contradiction? Is it a prerequisite of a successful D/s relationship or is it inevitable it will grow from one?