non-consensual sex

A new survey in the UK has reported that one in ten women say that they have been forced into having sex against their will. Few will have reported this as rape and many may not even have considered it rape. The figure is double the number of women who say they have been raped. The legal difference in the UK is that the woman not only does not consent but also requires the pepetrator to not reasonably believe that the victim consents. The effect on the victim though is likely to be much the same.

D/s and BDSM is built on consent yet is often misunderstood and criticised in the vanilla world. Yet out in the vanilla world it seems more and more the case that consent of the woman is assumed rather than sought. Perhaps the very nature of the D/s world where there is an emphasis on consent makes it a safer place to play than in the vanilla world.

However we should not be too self satisfied. I am sure there is manipulaton and abuse in the D/s world also and cases where things go horribly wrong. It is worrying too that if the notion that consent is not sought becomes a reality then there are even greater dangers if this were to spread into the world of BDSM.

porn - the performers

In my previous post 'porn' I discussed the influence of porn on those who viewed it. It is also relevant though to look at its effects on performers. Some BDSM porn can be somewhat extreme. However there are those who are into extreme BDSM acts so perhaps the performers in such videos genuinely enjoy them. Some sites always include a brief snip at the end of the performers saying how much they have enjoyed themselves and how they can't wait to be invited back.

I think one would be naive though to assume all was as they wish it to seem. It is being done for money to make money. If the money is enough then no doubt there will be those who will engage in extreme acts. In some cases it may be that addiction or serious debt forms another impetus.

There is the particularly well documented case of Insex. After a few years of great financial success, it  was eventually forced to shut down after being pursued by US federal prosecutors. It has been alleged that safe words were sometimes ignored and that if they were used the performer was not invited back. They paid well so to lose work with them was an issue for some of the performers. I wonder though what the effect might have been on them. The issues of consent, self exploitation, control, coercion, desperation and lots more is explored in a documentary about Insex called Graphic Sexual Horror. There is a very interesting article about it here with a download link.

If there is the possibility of abuse having occurred in a porn shoot then is one colluding in that abuse by watching the porn?

porn

Do you view porn? Pictures, video or text? Go on, you can tell me. I won't let anyone else know. Maybe you only view erotica. I wonder what the difference is?

I know there are readers of this blog who write erotica. And on websites like Fetlife members often post erotic or sexy (pornographic?) photographs of themselves or their partners. On my own Fetlife profile there are photographs of Inès, other friends and models. So perhaps we should no longer have any shame in saying we view such things - though there still seems to be some opprobrium from others for admitting one views porn.

Many find that erotica or porn can help their relationship, can stimulate play and enhance their imagination. I wonder though if it can also have dangers. Some porn can be quite extreme and some quite unrealistic. There are perhaps few subs who enjoy pain as much as some actresses appear to do. Does this give viewers unreal expectations? Might subs feel inadequate because they cannot submit to the extremes they see or read about? Might some Doms think they can treat their subs in the way they see on screen or read about without consequence?

So tell me. Do you view porn? Has it enhanced or damaged your relationships?

on writing things down

I have always found that writing something down can help clarify one's thoughts immensely. I was reminded of that again recently after receiving a couple of emails from A. She was writing for advice from Uncle Agony. She wrote,

I have always been a very submissive woman in almost every aspect of my life. I need help, more accurately advice, on how to approach the subject of trying a D/s relationship with my husband. He knows of my enjoying D/s erotica, books and blogs but I'm very nervous in out right asking for it. In the beginning of our relationship a few years ago I brought it up, even as far as asking him to come up with some scenes to play out. Still hasn't happened. Any advice Sir would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you Sir

I was thinking through possible advice and formulating an appropriate response. As I knew from other contacts it was a situation that many women find themselves in. However, before I managed to type a word I received another email from A. You can read it here,

I know I just emailed you for advice but I did it. Just thinking it through and contacting you for advice gave me the courage and words to speak with my husband about adding a D/s aspect to our relationship. He was open minded and willing to try. This style of life/relationship is completely new to him and he is going to do research and even attend a local munch to find some mentors. I know our small personal struggles and victories have no impact on your life Sir but you've helped so much with just giving myself an outlet.
Thank you, A

It was wonderful to receive such thanks when I had not done anything. I am pleased though that writing to me helped her to conceptualise the issues and make her course of action clearer.

So if you have a problem then perhaps just write an email about it. You may not need to send it - the answer may become clear and spur you into doing something about it.