Thursday, 8 May 2014

is dominance a rarity?

Is true dominance a rarity? I often get emails or comments from subs asking how they can turn their partner into a dominant or how they go about finding a Dom. In the past I have put this down to just the problem of meeting up with the right person in the same way that a Dom may be looking for a sub. Is it perhaps the case though that "true dominance" in reality is a rare quality? In a recent comment to an earlier post Lauren wrote, "but I haven't yet spoke to a true Dominant Person, all the so called 'Dominants' I've had, I've had to teach them how to be dominant."

I have had times where I have found it hard finding a submissive partner. Is it harder finding a Dom? Are they really so rare?

12 comments:

tori said...

I wander if the real issue is that some subs may have this set in stone idea of what a dominant should be, and are quick to dismiss those that dont fit their image.

Not all dominants fit one mould, likewise the same with being submissive, and i really think its a lot to do with compatibility rather than a dom not being a 'true' dominant.....how does one define what a 'true' dominant is?

My Master's style (for want of a better phrase)of dominating would not suit all submissives, for example.

Its hard looking for sure, i remember when i was and it was frustrating, there were dominants i spoke to that i dismissed, not because they were not dominant, but they simply were not the dominant for me.

mc kitten said...

tori's pretty much said what I was thinking too!

I really dislike the 'true Dominant' idea just as much as I dislike the 'real submissive' or 'twue slave' idea.

In my opinion, there's 'no sech person' as various Dicken's characters have said. I think, as Tori says, that people have detailed and sometimes rigid expectations of what a Dom/sub/whatever is and how they behave. The truth, I think, is much more fluid because people are complex and varied, have different degrees of dominance and submission in their character, are comfortable with different degrees of dominance and submission, and express their dominance and submission in different ways.

Many times, when one half of a couple - typically but not always the woman in a man/woman pairing - is seeking to move the dynamic to D/s (typically but not necessarily with female as the sub and the male as the dominant) you'll read blog posts along the lines of 'He's not doing it right!' 'he can't do it!' 'He's just not dominant!'

Often, it seems to me, the case is that the woman has brought the dynamic to the man, told him she wants him to be in charge and do things his way and then his way turns out to be very different from what they'd imagined and wanted. I often wonder, why they therefore just weren't more specific - I'd like you pull my hair, I'd like some tasks to do for you, that kind of thing.

Anyway, I digress a bit.

What needs to be remembered I think is whatever branch or type of BDSM or TTWD or whatever you fall under, these are consensual relationships and supposed to be for pleasure and happiness and growth to mutual benifit, like all healthy relationships. Therefore there needs to be communication and compromise. Maybe he's not prepared to micromanage her day, but he's happy to have a weekly meeting to discuss her week's timetable, for instance. He's going to have to put himself out a bit, and she's going to have accept it's less than she imagined.

I don't think you're ever going to meet someone who's instantly and completely kink compatible with you. Certainly there's no point barking up completely the wrong tree, but any relationship is going to have ups and downs and ins and outs, i'm not sure there's a perfect dynamic destination as it were, you just get better at journeying together.

Pygar said...

Wow! Thank you tori and mc kitten. What fascinating and thoughtful responses.

I am just getting ready to go out - an art gallery preview of tattoo designs then on to a local munch for a few drinks. So it may be tomorrow before I respond.

Thanks again

- P xx

Anna May said...

I think maybe some submissive are looking for something that does not exist, and that is perfection...though I could be wrong.

As tori and mc kitten pointed out there is no such thing as "true Dominant" or a "true submissive".

Also for both parties involved it takes time to adjust to each other. I personally am wary of a man who comes out of the box full on Dom, there needs to be an adjustment period, a time to learn about each other; for me to do that I need to be an equal before I give my submission. I would like to think that for a Dom to give up his dominance that he would need that adjustment period as well.

I think it is a shame for the people who are looking for the "true" because they end up missing out on the best part....and that is in the journey, and the discovery.

Pygar said...

Yes tori - I think you may be right that some have an unrealistic or stereotyped expectation of what a Dom should be. But as you say - it can be hard looking.

Thanks - P xx

Pygar said...

Your suggestion mc kitten that there may be an issue where the impetus or the dynamic comes from the sub - they have an expectation of how the Dom should be which may not always be realistic. Communication of course is often the key.

As you say though complete compatibility may be a difficult thing to find and each will have to make compromises.

Thanks for your thoughts

P xx

Pygar said...

Ah yes, Anna May. I love your idea that it is the journey that is the best part.

Thanks for contributing it.

- P xx

nbs said...

The preceding replies are so right. There are so many different types out there.. and ways of being dominant and submissive.
It may take ages but don't stop looking or growing!
I thought I was only submissive..after finding a "sadistic and nurturing" Dominant, I've found myself much less submissive and more masochistic. Who knew?! Grow and learn!

Anonymous said...

Interesting..I just left a similar post on another blog...I have found that I make my husband more dominant/powerful when I respond to the times when he exerts less...it gives him confidence...so when those times happen that I push...:)..well..I get more.lol

touriste chinois said...

I also really dislike the 'true Dominant' idea just as much as I dislike the 'real submissive' or 'true slave' idea.

In my opinion, there's 'no sech person' as various Dicken's characters have said. I think, as Tori says, that people have detailed and sometimes rigid expectations of what a Dom/sub/whatever is and how they behave. The truth, I think, is much more fluid because people are complex and varied, have different degrees of dominance and submission in their character, are comfortable with different degrees of dominance and submission, and express their dominance and submission in different ways

Pygar said...

Thank you Anonymous and touriste chinois. It is interesting that this topic continues to provoke discussion.

Thanks anonymous for your description of how your response helps support and increase your partner's dominance. The interactive nature of this can be so complex.

Thanks too touriste chinois. Your description of the differences inherent in such relationships is very well put.

I shall be a "touriste chinois" later this year so perhaps I will be coming to you for advice. Though first I need to find out if I can get a visa!

P xx

Pygar said...

Oooops! My French has let me down again. I will not be a "touriste chinoise" but rather a "tourise anglais" travelling to Chine.

I hope I've got that right this time!