Thursday, 1 May 2014

scared

A new comment was added recently to an old post here. In it Lauren wrote,
"I purposely try to be bad in order to get punished... my ultimate goal in this is that I'm so scared to disobey him that I obey him.... I want to be scared, it turns me on... Is that submissive or weird?
I also am masochistic..
."
I wonder if others like to be scared? Does it turn you on? Do you have to provoke your Master to get him to scare you or do you have someone sadistic enough?

As a Dom I don't really want to scare my sub. I would not want her to be frightened of me. A little nervous anticipation though ... !

Is fear part of the dynamic for some couple? But if there is trust - is it real fear or just nervousness in anticipation of what may be to come?

17 comments:

His slut said...

So you want fear of your Dom or fear of what He is doing to you, so edge play?

My advice. Be honest with your Dom. Tell Him what you fantasize about.

I want fear from my Dom. I want the play to make me terrified and when it's over the adrenaline from it has me on a high. I don't want to fear Him. Huge difference.

I often find pics on tumblr, send to my Dom and share what I see. The fear I want too feel, why, etc. It really helps for me to convey what I envision.

Disobeying may bring that depth of fear you seek, yet may also cause anguish because you defied Him. The connection will not be as powerful.

Communicate!

nbs said...

For me, it is nervousness about what might come from Sir. I've never had to provoke him; he is certainly sadistic enough!

He does not want me to be scared. We've talked about fear play and he does that sometimes.. but because we've talked about it, I know at the end of the day, I'm safe with him. I trust him completely. But nervous.. oh my yes.. I get nervous!

tori said...

I love to be scared, to fear him, but its an irrational fear because as much as i know he enjoys hurting me, i know im safe..but in moments the fear appears very real...but its not fear of him per se its the fear of what he is going to do.

If i were to intentionally play up or disobey in order to get s/m, or to provoke him into scaring me, he would consider that topping from the bottom, and rather than give me what i was seeking, he would withdraw it, and thus i fear his disappointment more so its not something im inclined to do.

He is more than enough for me sadistic wise, so provoking him would just result in me biting off more than i can chew lol

Pygar said...

Three great very speedy responses. Thanks to each of you.

I think tori you make the distinction that it may not be fear of him but rather of what he is going to do. You make a good point also about topping from the bottom. So be careful you do not provoke him! Thanks and good luck.

Thanks nbs. I think we are on the same page! Perhaps nervousness is just a different point on the same continuum as terror - with scared somewhere in the middle! As long as one knows one is safe then it is down to the wishes and needs of each couple. Enjoy your nervous anticipation ... !

Thank you too, His slut. It is always good advice to encourage communication as you do. Certainly from a Dom's point of view if my sub had explained to me that she sought out that feeling of fear and terror then we could perhaps agree such scenarios together. Thanks for explaining so well how it works for you.

P xx

mc kitten said...

omg, that adrenaline surge! It's addictive, I'm definitely an adrenaline junkie. I used to so a lot of full contact martial arts and weight training to get my 'hit' as it were, of both adrenaline and fear. I'm getting a bit old and creaky for all that so our exploration of TTWD has been a god send.

Fear is a huge high, but like pain is divided up for me into good and bad types... Fear of truly disappointing him and of him withdrawing from me is huge and awful and unbearable and I'll do almost anything to avoid it.

Fear from play, from mind fucks and edge play, from participation of pain, from nervousness of not knowing and whatever else you want to call it, I find to be wonderful, amazing - like riding a great, dangerous runaway horse or surfing a tsunami. Playing the mental games that causes it seems to really tap into and satisfy his sadistic urges, so it's win win all round.

I've never felt the urge to play up to get a fear fix - it wouldn't work and it would too close to the bad fear anyway, I think. Either I pluck the courage to tell him, or more often than not he just seems to know and feeds me what I crave.

mc kitten said...

participation of pain?! anticipation I mean! Sorry!

Pygar said...

No need for apologies mc kitten. Participation/anticipation - what's in a word? Perhaps you were anticipating your participation!

I wonder though if your "fear" is more what I would think of as "nervous anticipation". Something positive that gives you that adrenaline rush. I still have a feeling that true fear, a real dread, is something more negative that would dampen rather than heighten one's desires. Or is it all positive for you?

It is great though that he can sense your urges and cravings and is able to satisfy them.

Thanks for the comment. Good luck.

P xx

little said...

Absolutely agree with everthing written. I have recently had a day where I was a real brat. My most recent post in fact tells it fro his point of view. I needed Him to be strict, mean, even more sadistic though he is not by definition a 'sadist', more multifaceted I think. I had experienced a void where His arm was not long enough and I received little attention from him.

I wanted to fear the day we came together, the play, the action. But the trust built means I never fear Him. I had not previously made that distinction (the fear of Him vs the fear of the play).

I need the nervous anticipation. It's harder to get with the deepening of trust, but boy we gave it the old college try the other day.

I guess my brattish behaviour, my demand that he 'step up' and control His girl could be seen as topping from the bottom. It never felt that way. As I am fond of saying, this journey is a relationship and its about negotiation between the two (or maybe more) active participants. If He did not like my behaviour he would correct it or say good bye. If I did not like correction then I would say good bye as we would not be compatible in our needs. Whats good for this goosey loosey, is not always good for other gander's and vice versa.

L xx

mc kitten said...

Pygar, I'd say nervous anticipation is further down on the fear scale, a nice little warm up like a hand spanking over jeans.

I can actually sometimes get in that zone where I can feel proper, stomach churning dread, but it be as part of play, of sex, of D/s, and not because of real life issues, like the financial worries we're having at the mo - now money worries, that is NOT good/fun fear!

It's like the distinction between pain from a spanking, beating, whipping, whatever - that really hurts and leaves bruises, and bashing your thigh on a corner of a cupboard or stubbing your toe - which also really hurts and leaves bruises but is NOT FUN!

Or, say, the fear and rush you get from a rollercoaster, which can be extreme if you're really quite scared of speed and heights, and the fear and rush you get if you spin out of control on a wet road.

So what i'm trying to say is, I mean real fear - but the context (TTWD, sex, trust within the relationship, whatever) is safe.

Does that make sense? It's all about the context!

Pygar said...

Thank you little. That is fascinating. Although you are now distinguishing between fear of the activity and fear of him it strikes me that you still need a little fear of him - as you say that the trust reduces the fearfulness of the anticipation. Though I guess that where there is trust it is possible to accept levels of fear that one could not do without it. It is a fine balancing act I suppose.

I think you are right that the brattishness is a strategy for trying to get your own way. However if it works for each of you then why not? Each must find their own successful dynamic and it is not for others to criticise.

Thanks for commenting

P xx

Pygar said...

"proper, stomach churning dread"

You like your play intense mc kitten! You are right. That certainly seems a long way down the scale from nervous anticipation!

Thank you for taking the time to explain. Yes, it does make sense.

Wishing you lots of fearful fun

- P xx

mc kitten said...

i do like it intense! but not all the time, I couldn't, I don't think, do that kind of thing and feel that kind of way all the time.

But fairly regularly, nothing else will do, and I'll climb the walls till I get it.

nilla said...

I like to push the envelope with Master, but to the point of full on fear? no. He makes me *nervous*, mind you, and filled with that strange mix of nerves and fear of what is coming next...but not the fear of "omg He's really going to mess me up"...

Sometimes I want to push the envelope a wee bit further just to see what will happen...but in the end I'm a chicken (and an obedient girl--I have a very hard time being willfully disobedient of a direct command).

nilla

Pygar said...

Thanks for commenting nilla. There's nothing wrong with being a chicken. Self preservation is a wonderful thing.

It's interesting though that you do want to push things a "wee bit further". Perhaps you crave just a little more of that sensation of fear ...

Good luck

P xx

Anonymous said...

You can call me Bitch. :) I long to remain submissive, but sometimes I can't seen to keep my mouth shut when Master says to. I'm terrified of disappointing him, but I'm so strong willed. I've always had this part of me that longed to be dominated, but I'm also a person who is in control of my life. Balancing what I want in the bedroom and who I am outside the bedroom is difficult. I need advice on how to "let go" and be a good little Bitch. Thank you.

Pygar said...

Thank you Bitch.

I may use your comment for a post on A Kind Dom and possibly on Uncle Agony.

The tension between being strong and being submissive is so sensually delightful.

P xx

Pygar said...

There are now posts in response to Bitch here and here.