Festive Greetings

I'm planning to spend the next few days with family enjoying Christmas together. I hope it works out like that!

I hope too that it is good for all of you who are celebrating Christmas. I trust all of you female submissives have been a "good girl" or Santa may not come. Alternatively you may get a spanking instead but perhaps that is what you wrote to him to ask for... !

*sighs*

Happy Christmas

- Pygar and Inès xxxx

fantasy and reality

(Sorry, I had this post ready to go up last week but some family health issues took over. Better late than never  I hope ...)

There has recently been a considerable amount of reporting about an adult actress who on Twitter accused her porn star boyfriend of raping her. If you missed it there is an article here.

There is an interesting discussion following from it by Aurora Snow here. Aurora was herself an adult actress. In the article she discusses how diffficult it is for some male performers to turn off work mode when it comes to real relationships. She writes,

"Lines between porn work and home life can become blurry, especially when you’re dating a fellow performer. I know. What’s approved of and/or normalized at work isn’t necessarily OK to do at home, too—a fact I’ve had to remind former boyfriends of far too many times. It’s part of the reason I stopped dating fellow performers altogether. What I convincingly “enjoyed” for work is not what I wanted at home.

I wonder how many men have difficulty in distinguishing between fantasy and reality when it comes to relationships and sexual activity. To what extent might the same problems that the male actors are having be replicated in those who watch violent porn or bdsm movies. What looks sexy and exciting on screen could well have a very different outcome if attempted to act out in real life. Is this particularly an issue for young men who may have more online experience than in real life?

Do any readers have experience of this? I don't mean in an acting context (though actors are welcome to join in!) but where inappropriate fantasy is attempted to be played out with problematic results.

doubting ...

I wrote a short post on doubts a couple of weeks ago. I expressed the fact that I occasionally had doubts about my role as a dominant and I suppose about the whole dynamic. It isn't an ongoing doubt. Perhaps it had just passed through my mind again which was why I posted about it. Maybe when our lives are taken over by the day to day stuff and whatever passes for "normal" in vanilla land a different perspective can try to take over.

So is that common? Is it a good thing to reflect? Is it more of an issue for subs than Doms? If so should it perhaps be the other way around? These were perhaps some of the questions in my mind. There was a good response with a number of answers.

The overwhelming response from subs who replied was "yes." There was just one Dom who replied and he said "no." That isn't a very large sample from Doms but the different response from all of the subs is interesting. Though to be fair Lea did say that her Sir also had doubts.

The doubts ranged from a simple unadorned "yes" to more detailed responses. For most it seemed to be occasional but for His slut and mc kitten it was "all the time". Misty and lindy thomas put a positive slant on doubting, that it was "just another way of seeing how we can better ourselves..." and "makes us think more about situations."

The thread got me wondering whether they were right and that doubting is a positive part of our personality that enables us to reflect and improve or whether there was an issue that all the subs seemed to doubt, some of them constantly. Does that become an issue if Doms are confident and subs doubting - or is that just what one would expect?

Developments on the "life change" post below

I published a post here on the Uncle Agony blog with a dilemma from Mary. There was a very supportive discussion that resulted from it and it also stimulated discussion on another post on this blog here. Those of you who followed those discussions might be interested in reading a new email from Mary which I have published here.

Thursday ...

OMG - IT'S THURSDAY!!!

I try to post on a Thursday. I had some thoughts in mind based on last week's post. Thank you by the way to all who responded last week. It was fascinating to find it hit a spot and many wanted to respond even if only with one word. I'll try to write properly about that next week.

I'm just so busy with several projects at the moment. (Sadly not kink oriented!) Though it is good to be busy. (Well, kind of!)

Sorry to neglect you - I'll be back next week.

:)

doubts

I wonder ...

Is it just me?

Or do others ...

Do you?

Sometimes...

... have doubts about all of this?

Of your submision?

Of your role as Dom?

Just sometimes ...

... have doubts?

Do you?

vulnerability and fragility

There was a very supportive response to the email from Mary published here on Uncle Agony. Thank you to all who made such insightful and helpful comments.

In the email Mary described how she was suffering from grief and depression. This got me thinking about the potential vulnerability and fragility of subs at such times.

Many say that is not good to make life changing decisions at such a time. However it is can be at these times that one feels impelled to do something different. There can be a desire for change given a belief that anything must be better than the current situation. Some supported, guided change might be just the thing.

However is this a time when someone manipulative can take advantage of such vulnerability? There may be a strong need for love, kindness and support. It could be easy to fall into the whims of a person purporting to offer such support when they might have a different more manipulative agenda.

Though perhaps the biggest difficulty is for those closest. How does a Dom respond when his sub is going through such a difficult time? Is a time-out from D/s and bdsm appropriate - or is it just the thing that can take the sub away from her cares and help improve her mood through distraction and with the creation of endorphins. This is something a Dom can easily get wrong with the best of intentions. When a sub is in a fragile state perhaps such mistakes could be emotionally or psychologically harmful.

I wonder if you have been there as Dom or sub?

life change

Is a time of major personal distress and crisis the time to make major life changing decisions - including one to newly embrace ones submission?

Mary has written to Pygar asking for advice via the Uncle Agony blog. You can read her full email and my response here.

I know she is eager for advice from readers. If you have any suggestions as to her best way forward please do comment on that post.

Thanks

sensual domination

I recognised myself straight away! In this blog post from the website Deviance and Desire. The website looks to be a very well thought-out and useful resource from what I have seen of it so far.

The blog post asked the question, "What is Sensual Domination?" What it described as a sensual Dom very much reflected how I see myself. I have just checked, and yes "A sensual Dom ..." is the text at the start of my Fetlife profile!

It wasn't just that they identified the same concept. it was that what they described certainly chimed with what I think of as sensual domination and perhaps my approach to a certain extent.

The only part that I had slight disagreement with was, "Sensual Domination tends to be much less about physical restraint and more about mental captivation." For me restraint can be such a sensual act in itself and lead to all sorts of sensual possibilities that I do often like to restrain my subs.

So what do readers like? Are you a sensual Dom - or are you more what they describe as a Domly Dom, a Responsive Top or a Service Top? And what do submissives prefer? Do you like the sensuality of domination in this way or do you get off on more physically masochistic submission or perhaps humiliation?

Do tell all!!!

further reading

I have found the discussion on my previous post emotional sadism very stimulating. I am moving towards the feeling that one of the key issues is the lack of comprehension of society at large that sadism and masochism of any kind could be a key part of a loving and caring relationship. So perhaps the issue relates as much to physical sadism as it does to emotional sadism. mouse wrote in the discussion that some commenters to her own blog found it difficult to recognise that punishment could be accompanied by consent.

There have been lots of discussions on here in the past about the relationships and distinctions between punishment and consent and also bdsm and abuse. The most recent one was only a couple of weeks ago here - it may be worth contrasting it with a very early one from 2008 here. So rather than going over the same ground again I thought it might be worth linking to some of the previous posts for any who are interested in discussing these issues further. These are a some I discovered quickly:

when D/s turns into abuse

abuse and bdsm

punishment and domestic discipline

domination, pain and sadism

avoiding abusive Doms

domestic abuse

punishment

I am sure there are lots more but these are a few I have found for a start. If you have any more thoughts please do post them in a comment below.

emotional sadism

We have discussed emotional sadism here once before though a very long time ago. You can read the previous discussion here. I have started thinking about it again since I noticed that "emotional sadism" is a search term used often to find this blog. In particular a recent search found this blog from the Google entry "healthy emotional sadism and bdsm".

I feel that emotional sadism is not part of bdsm. Rather it is a kind of abuse. What would emotional masochism be and how could that be healthy? What would count as "healthy emotional sadism" and how would that fit in with bdsm practice?

On Googling "emotional sadism" I find most of the entries seem very negative. However I suppose that would be the case if I just Googled "sadism". So can there be a positive way of experiencing emotional sadism within a bdsm context?

blood and gore

I'm afraid I am not into blood and gore. In fact I have an aversion to it. I turn my eyes away from movie scenes where there is bloody violence. I have a fear of cutting and piercing the skin. I can literally go feint at the sight of blood and once many years ago nearly passed out during a first aid lecture on the circulation of the blood.

I know though that there are many who really get off on  knife play, piercing and severe beatings that break the skin. Inès and I went to a local event last weekend which we enjoyed very much. However there were at least three events of play that we saw that included the spilling of blood. Early on we met a woman wrapped in a towel, coming from the shower area. The towel was stained in blood and she still had blood seeping from wounds on her back. Later we watched a couple involved in some very sensual play but which introduced knife play as it got close to the end. The final part of this was a thin cut drawing blood down the sub's back. Close to the time we planned to leave we were playing ourselves in a room where we could see through an observation window into a corridor with a view through to the next room. There a sub was being beaten severely and her bottom was covered in blood - so much so that I drew the curtain, not to prevent others watching us but so as not to have to see the other scene myself!

Discussing the day together later I did wonder about the amount of blood spillage and how safe this was at a public event. I know other events where cutting and needles are not allowed or sometimes only allowed in a specified area. Many events have 'dungeon Masters' present in all the play rooms who are empowered to stop any play if it is felt too severe or outside the rules for the event. There was no monitoring of the rooms at the event last weekend.

I am interested in the views of others who may frequent events more regularly than me. Was this event typical? Alternatively was it unusual in allowing blood spillage in a fairly uncontrolled way without monitoring from any of the organisers? This event was not billed as an extreme one - in fact there is a similar event at the same venue by invitation only which seems to concentrate on this more extreme play.

Am I right to be cautious or am I just being a wimp?

bdsm and depression

In my last post I gave an example of someone who had problems of depression as part of her bipolar disorder. She found bdsm activity helpful not least in channeling her desire for self harm in more positive directions. This was a fictional example but I wrote it as I have known and known of  real people who have found bdsm activity could help them divert their needs to self harm.

I have also known a number of submissive women who have experienced depression in various degrees who found bdsm activity and D/s helpful in significant and different ways. I have written about it on the blog before several times - most recently (I think, though exactly fiver years ago!) here. On an even older post I also raised possible connections with low self-esteem.

I was reminded of the issue not just from last weeks post but also because a reader found an earlier post through Googling "can bdsm help with depression"

So what do readers think? Can bdsm help with depression?

consent

In the BDSM 101 examination paper I mentioned in my last post I wrote a question about consent. It proposed an imaginary scenario in which consent was given but later withdrawn. The submissive in the example suffered from bi-polar disorder, though I could have equally have used other depressive mental conditions.

I will copy the question here:

Sarah and James were in a close BDSM relationship for 5 years. Sarah suffered from bipolar disorder which was mostly controlled through medication. Before meeting James, Sarah used to self-harm, often through cutting herself. Whilst in the BDSM relationship with James she no longer felt a need to do this. Their BDSM play was somewhat extreme. It involved needle play, stress bondage positions and heavy beatings including use of a whip. Eventually the relationship broke down. Some months later Sarah went to a police station with her lawyer. She claimed she had been restrained, whipped and beaten by James and although she acquiesced at the time, that because of her mental condition she was unable to give informed consent. She showed photographs of scars on her back and breasts. How should the police respond?

I suppose the question was ultimately about the ability to give consent in such cases and the responsibilities of a Dom in understanding the needs of a sub and not taking advantage.

Lea wrote,
The police should look for evidence of consent and her mental state at the time. With any case kink-related or not, it should be determined if the person truly was in a sane state of mind. I don't think James should arrested immediately, but that a discreet investigation should take place. It would be my hope that if Sarah was receiving medication, she also had a psychiatrist that she spoke of her issues openly to - this professional could be consulted as to her state of mind and her ability to consent to James.

Sofia Hisservant wrote,
Fascinating question! Legally, I have no idea what they “should” do, but I don’t think they should arrest and charge him. If she’s admitting, at the time she goes to them, that she consented at the time, but that the consent is not valid because of her mental illness, I don’t think she has a case. In order for her to not be able to consent, she would have to have already been found incompetent and be under the care of a guardian. Even if she’s on disability and has a payee, that’s not the same as being found incompetent in a court of law to make personal decisions. If she were stating that he had coerced her into consenting, that might be reason to charge him, but even then it’s going to be a super weak case. As much as I like the idea of RACK, I don’t think there’s a legal obligation for informed consent for beatings. I think the police might have to arrest him or notify him that charges have been filed, but I don’t think she has a leg to stand on.

There were a few comments in response to sofia's answer.
mckitten pointed out that the law in the UK and the US states that you cannot consent to abuse so any BDSM contract would not be enforceable.
Soume Stalked (Fury) noted that this was also the case in Canada.

little monkey wrote,
I am bipolar. This is deep water here. There have been times in my life when I probably shouldn't have had the keys to my own life. The compulsions to behave in certain ways can be impossible to resist, literally impossible, without medication, support, and training. But while I was unable to stop myself sometimes, I always knew when behavior was a bad idea, I just didn't care. So, consent, hmm, that's a tough one. I think in today's world , if she admits to consent, then he shouldn't be prosecuted. Ultimately it comes down to the character of the person you interact with. A person can have a mental illness and still take responsibility for their actions. If you were not coerced or manipulated into consent, then it is less than honorable to accuse someone else of wrongdoing because you regret something you did.

Thank you again to each of them for their thoughts on this tricky issue. I think the legal position is clear that in many countries consent might not be a defense to an accusation of assault following bdsm activities. Whether it should be is another question and the answer to it perhaps partly depends on answers to my main theme. That is all about the complex issues of consent in relation to BDSM activities, the responsibilities of a Dom - and in particular where a sub may be seen to be vulnerable, perhaps especially if she is having psychological problems at the time.

Many of us have suffered from periods of depression and have not always been fully stable. We have perhaps all made decisions we later regretted. What has to be the criteria for someone NOT to be held responsible for their decisions? Are there perhaps occasions where a sub may consent to certain extreme activities - in fact may invite them - but where the Dom should take responsibility for refusing to undertake the activity or perhaps tone it down? How is a Dom expected to be fully aware of all necessary issues?

In the example I concocted, I deliberately chose an example where the BDSM activities might be argued to have been beneficial for the sub - where self harm activities had been diverted into controlled and comparatively safe BDSM activities where another person was taking responsibility for safety issues.

Although it is a "made up" story - a fiction, I believe it highlights some very real issues for submissives and for dominants.

I would be pleased to hear further views about this.

bdsm 101 - the results

On New Years Eve I posted an examination paper (BDSM 101) for readers to try out if they were getting bored with the festive season.

I received three fully completed papers, all of excellent quality. To engage in such a way with the exam will have taken a lot of time and effort. To have done it so well is truly amazing. Thank you very, very much to those who tried it and sent their work to me. I read and marked it all with comments back to each contributor. They all received very good grades - which is a shame in a way as it would have been fun to hand out some punishments!!!!

Lea published her paper here.

Sofia Hisservant published her result here.

Little Monkey's response is no longer available on her blog. I have written to her to check if she is happy for me to post it here. (UPDATE: She has now kindly allowed me to publish her excellent contribution here.)

They are really worth reading so do visit their pages and read the completed papers.

A couple of other readers wrote on their blogs or on Fetlife that they might have a go but I do not think I have heard back from them. If you did complete the exam and I have not found your response on dredging my memory and checking so long after the event please accept my apologies and write to me. I will then add a link.

If their efforts inspire any more of you to have a go please send me the results and I will publish them here.

Once again - many thanks to those who took part.

a fresh start ...

If you read Graham's query to Uncle Agony here about whether an online relationship can work ... well, there have been developments!

You can read all about it here.

self-image

I have been thinking about self-image in the context of bdsm and D/s.

It relates perhaps to strength. I have written often before that I believe a submissive needs to be strong rather than weak. Submissiveness in a bdsm context is not the sign of weakness it may appear to be in other contexts.

I wonder how moving into the world of bdsm may affect people's self-image. If my thoughts are correct then it should have a positive effect. To be able to control another person and have them submit to your will surely helps give a feeling of self confidence which then enhances the ability to be controlling. Similarly the ability to submit and accept difficult challenges presented by one's partner should also enhance ones self confidence. The praise that may often accompany this - "good girl", for instance - will also enhance this feeling.

So if being part of the bdsm world can enhance one's self-image then may people delve into bdsm with this in mind? Are there those will low self esteem who seek out bdsm experience with the aim of improving their self-esteem? Would you advise someone with low self-esteem to try out bdsm or might that be dangerous advice?

unfaithful - 3. Is polyamory a solution?

In the comments to the first post in this series, Unfaithful, His slut wrote,
I read something that has always stuck with me. One person cannot fulfill all the needs of their mate. How true it is? I'm not sure. I think in order to understand it does take a lot of communication.

If His slut is right and one person cannot fulfill all those needs then perhaps polyamory is what is needed. As Anonymous says in a comment to the same post,
I also think that partners may seek out other relationships for a variety of reasons. It may not always be sexual but often times, our roles in society are so defined that we find ourselves gravitating towards the old standby, when in actuality it could be the connection, joy, release or energy we enjoy from another.
In which case the needs His slut describes are not just about sex or bdsm issues but are much more wide ranging.

So can it be made to work? Does it need to be made to work? Is it even more the case in a fetish or bdsm or D/s context where the desires and needs might be broader or more specialist or just more unusual. Might some of them be much more difficult to be met by one person?

So do you have one person who can meet all your needs or do you hanker for another to help fulfill them or perhaps you already make a poly situation work well for you?

unfaithful - 2

While I was back in the UK during December I started corresponding with a submissive American woman who lived in Shanghai. She was happily married with two kids, except ...

Well, you probably know the story, she was submissive but her husband wasn't dominant. He was unable to meet her submissive and possibly masochistic needs. She'd had a relationship with a European, dominant, married man who was also working in Shanghai. It had worked well and met both their needs, apparently without any strong feelings of guilt. However, he had been sent elsewhere by his business. A meet up with another Dom had not gone well.

On my return to Shanghai Inès encouraged me to meet her. I hoped it might be possible to develop a friendship and possible relationship involving the three of us. So we met and it went great. There was an obvious attraction and eagerness to take it further. Some online play ensued while we tried to set up further meetings. Then she had a major family crisis that involved her returning to the US and I have heard little from her since.

I tell this story though as an example of something I have heard from many online submissive female friends. I am sure it will also have been covered in Uncle Agony. I know of many submissive women whose husbands have been unable to meet their needs. This has often been after they have discussed the issues and the husbands have sometimes tried to be the dominant their wives crave but have found themselves unable to carry it off successfully. Some of those subs have gained some solace in online play and others through real meet ups or relationships - through being unfaithful.

I wonder what readers think of this. Is it better for a woman to have a secret relationship to keep their marriage going? Alternatively should they break up with all the additional hurt and damage if they have children? Or should they just put up with it? Perhaps some of you are in this situation and have found your own solution? Do share your thoughts and experiences.

Unfaithful

I had a very friendly comment recently from Ruby Little and followed the links to her blog Bound by Him. There I found a very moving post titled Unfaithful. I do hope some of the issues are resolving themselves for Ruby.

Reading it stimulated a number of thoughts. Firstly I was struck by the fact that Ruby felt guilty that her husband had been cheating on her. It was as if in some way she felt it was her fault, that she had not given him enough so he had to look elsewhere. Though clearly she is also hurt and angry because the trust and mutual respect so essential in a D/s relationship have been destroyed. I wondered if this was a common response in such circumstances - to reflect the guilt back on oneself?

I started to wonder again about the nature of monogamous relationships and wondered if in the pressures of today's society that such exclusivity is almost bound to give rise to such problems. I know it did for me in a previous relationship when I was the guilty party. My current relationship with Inès is an open relationship though we have not pushed this aspect hard. I hope that as long as we each know when the other has desires and needs that they want to be met elsewhere then if we are open about it then such encounters can be accommodated by our relationship. As long as we are open and honest then the trust and respect is maintained. Moving towards this in a conventional marriage is very hard. I wonder though in starting new relationships whether that is something that could be discussed and agreed from the start and whether that would allow un all to be happier with fewer break ups.

I think also that when a partner does go elsewhere for sex it is not necessarily because sex with the current partner is unsatisfactory. It can be that perhaps we are led into looking for variety and change. Perhaps if that is accepted it can help sustain a relationship.

Or then again I may just be talking nonsense! What do others think?

Can online ever be a substitute for a face to face relationship?

I am sure I have written about online D/s and bdsm relationships before. I have had some very intense, real and lasting online relationships that have been very powerful and have stirred strong emotions.

So I was interested in an email while I was away from a reader who had fallen in love and wanted a real D/s relationship. However his girl was married and was only prepared to accept an online relationship. Could it be made to work?

I have reprinted his email (with permission) onto the Uncle Agony blog. You can read it here.

You can also read my very unsatisfactory response. It was written very hurriedly. If you can come up with further thoughts that would be great.

Home from Shaghai

Hello!

 Yes, I'm back home. However I am up to my neck with moving into a new apartment, having relatives staying from abroad, helping Inès sorting out her apartment, getting used to being back in the UK, catching up on lots of creative and business ventures, getting in touch with old friends and ...

 well you know.

 So I am sorry if you are feeling neglected. There are a couple of people who I have promised to write about on here an Uncle Agony so a special apology to them. I do plan to be writing regularly here again soon so please watch this space and let everyone know that I am back!