bdsm helping resolve previous abuse

I have written on here many times before about various issues to do with BDSM and abuse. An online friend who has enjoyed reading this blog wrote to me recently. She shared an experience about that topic. I found it very interesting and powerful and have asked her permission to share it with you. She wrote,

"Also about abuse in BDSM relationships and use of BDSM. I used a BDSM scene to recreate a situation from my childhood where I was abused. I requested someone to beat me in a similar way as I was beaten then and found it very healing."

I think this is something that many might regard as emotionally or psychologically risky with potential dangers. I certainly wouldn't recommend it and I am sure there are many who would with good reason advise strongly against it. However it worked for her. She found it healing. And that surely is great and to be celebrated.

I tried to imagine how it had worked for her and felt it must have been to do with her taking power and control. She wrote to me again clarifying this,

"But to expand on this. I found it healing because I was in control and set it up and asked the person. I also knew it could stop at any time I wanted it to stop . Then I could examine my own feelings that were related to this experience that were still unprocessed until this scene happened. While it was happening I connected to the event and could really allow myself to feel a shock related to this -as I did not expect this to happened when I was a pre-teen. Also could connect to my helplessness and feeling of betrayal. Feeling of not being loved and accepted. Also feeling the pain and receiving it. I was able to process it all so now this incident from my childhood doesn't cause me to experience many emotions . I am neutral about it now."


It is good she is able to articulate this so well which helps to explain it clearly.

However, as I started off, I am certainly not recommending this as a therapeutic tool!

I wonder if any readers have had similar experiences. (Please feel free to comment as Anonymous.) Have you ever had the desire to act out a previously abusive experience? If you have been abused in the past can you imagine this might be helpful or is this anathema to you?

Whatever your responses I am still so very pleased that my online friend found the experience "healing". Good luck to her.

cunnilingus - dominant or submissive?

I was sure I had written about this previously. I was looking for the post to send to a friend. She had written online about how she made her husband go down on her to pleasure her as a submissive act for him. It was her exerting control over him. She even published some selfies of her face, showing her pleasure while she had him working hard! However I have searched for my previous post and can't find it so perhaps I haven't written about this before. If you recollect it and can find it do let me know!

I responded to her about the fact she seemed to associate cunnilingus as a submissive task for a man. I don't see it as such. I enjoy going down on a woman and enjoy the power and control of it. I responded to her with the following comment:

It has got me thinking about dominance and submission in relation to cunnilingus. Who is top and who is bottom? Who is the one in control?

I think there are many Dominants, and submissives too, who think of that activity as submissive. So many Doms do not engage in it. For them it is the role of the sub to give them pleasure.

However as a Dom I see it differently. There is great feeling of power in bringing a woman to orgasm - often several orgasms. Also in that activity the pleasure giver is the one in control...

Whether to do it quickly or slowly, whether to draw it out a little longer, whether to tease a little by slowing and changing what one does as one gets closer, how one uses the tongue and on what area, whether to create a long slow arousal or to go for a very quick urgent one.

Personally I love that feeling of power and control that to me is greater than of the one receiving it. They are the passive ones.

And to have caused such a lovely smile (shown in her photo)!
;)
what power!!!
:)

What do readers think? Is a man going down on a woman dominant or submissive? How do you think of it in your own relationship? I am eager to hear...

Another "good girl" post.

I have noticed that an old post of mine with the title 'good girl' consistently gets lots of hits. You can read it here. I wondered about it's popularity. There must be lots of people Googling 'good girl' and may of them have found their way here.

I looked again at the post. It had received lots of interesting responses from readers. Because of that I had written a follow up post to reply to what had been written in the previous comments. You can read that here. That post received lots of further comments.

It is clear there is still some power in those simple words.

So, dear reader, good girl - or even good boy.

I am sure you must be if you are still reading.

:)

Thank you.

still here?

Well I am - just!

Are you?

Still lots of ongoing family issues to detain me. However that has got in the way of much of my day to day creative work so I have diverted myself here briefly and started a few posts. I hope I may be able to publish them soon.

So...
...watch this space!