Domestic abuse

A number of commentators to this blog (and thank you to all of you) are involved in "Domestic Discipline" relationships. Each of these will be different and all such relationships have their own dynamic. I know that the commentators to this blog in such relationships are self confident women who are clear about their relationships, what they want from them and what they are prepared to give. Some may even be feminists.

I am just wanting to emphasise that my following comments are not directed at a particular approach to D/s but are intended to raise some issues that I think are worthy of discussion.

I want to ask a question. It is not intended as critical but I am aware some may take it as such - in which case I apologise.

The question is this.

What is the difference between a 24/7 domestic discipline relationship and domestic abuse?

I can sense you all rushing to answer. Yes - of course - consent.

But there are those who are genuinely victims of domestic abuse who appear to consent. They love their partner and need his attention. They accept the violence that goes with it as part of that. It might be that they were abused as a child and associate violence with love. There are many vulnerable women trapped in such relationships.

There is the matter of love and trust. But these are so hard to define. Is a domestic discipline relationship only acceptable amongst those who are articulate enough to analyse and justify their situation? From the outside how do we understand the level of love and trust?

Perhaps there is also the issue of harm. Is that a damaged organ, a broken bone, a bruise? How does one define physical harm? There will be many reading this who have been happy to suffer bruising - but others may not like to be marked and damaged in such a way.

Psychological and emotional harm is even more difficult to recognise and define.

There are clear extremes at either end that are easy to define. However there is a middle grey area that is more difficult to define. Are there no "Doms" taking advantage of vulnerable women as "subs" who are really enjoying a relationship that without the D/s trappings might well be considered as abusive? What is the role of power in this and when does the transfer of power in this lead to abuse?

I would also like to add that I am aware that this is as much an issue in M/m, F/m and F/f relationships as in M/f. The issues I raise could apply equally to many bdsm relationships not just DD.

I know there is no easy answer to this. I feel I know the difference but can't put words to it. Perhaps others can help me.

recently

In case you have missed them there have been a few more interesting comments on the feminism and punishment posts recently.

Thank you to all who have commented. I am learning from your honest and thoughtful responses.

links

I'm aware that I have had a few more bloggers link to me recently. Thank you very much if you are one of them. I am very happy to link back to blogging friends and I am going to try to update my links this evening. If I miss you and you would like a link back then please let me know.

an email

"I miss you Pygar"

those four words
made me hard
with desire again
the power of love
and submission

secretary

For UK readers - Secretary is on Channel 4 tonight.

If you haven't seen it then do watch.

rape

As I got to know subs well enough to discuss their sexual history in explicit detail I discovered almost all of them had been raped. Many of them more than once. Rather than wondering if this was a common characteristic of subs - I began to fear that this might be a common characteristic of women.

One they do not like to share with the rest of the world.

What an indictment on us men - where force is used without consent.

punishment

In the comments to a post by Maryann the issue of punishment came up.

"Punishment" often seems wrong to me in a normal context. Except in the context of a consensual D/s relationship.

Rewards actually work better than punishment in training. I don't punish my children. In particular I think any violence towards children is wrong. I think violence towards women is wrong in any setting - let alone a domestic one. Except ...

... in a consensual D/s setting where each is getting pleasure, satisfaction or fulfillment from bdsm play.

So I too have a little problem that I am trying to resolve with "punishment spankings" as opposed to "erotic spankings". In the end though - I think they may be the same but at a different level.

When the consent is withdrawn then it becomes domestic abuse.

However reading the above again I seem confused even to me!

From her blog Maryann's relationship seems to be breaking at the moment. I send her my very best wishes.

"Is this all?"

Thank you to everyone who commented on my feminism post below. I was loath to publish another post at the moment as I didn't wish to draw attention away from it. I had thought of publishing all the comments as a new post but decided that might be a bit indulgent. If you've missed it though - do have a read through the comments and feel free to add to the discussion.

In those comments the delightful Livvy - the English Courtesan - promised I could spank her while she read "The Feminine Mystique" to me. Sadly I think she is teasing me again - or at least would charge me far more than I could afford! However it did get me to look at the book again. The opening words struck a chord with me - they sounded so much like how many subs had described their awakening to me.

'The problem lay buried, unspoken, for many years in the minds of American women. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning that women suffered in the middle of the twentieth century in the United States. Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night--she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question--"Is this all?" '

feminism

I have read many subs write critically of feminism. Indeed some of them find that hard to reconcile with other beliefs they may hold.

However I know many other subs who are feminists. I recollect one who once wrote that there was only one way she wanted to be chained to the kitchen sink!

I am a Dom.

I am also a feminist.

How do I reconcile those stances ... ?

Home

I'm back home ...

but with so little time to write at the moment.

There have been some very interesting comments to old posts from new readers while I have been away that have got me thinking. Thank you to you all and I promise I will try to respond soon.

And then there is my post about feminism to come ...

thank you and ...

Thank you to my readers for the really interesting and thoughtful comments to my posts. I feel quite privileged to have stimulated such responses. They are fascinating to read. It is great to have a small community developing who are interested in discussing these issues together and prepared to be so open about their own feelings and desires.

Again - thank you.

Forgive me though if I desert you again briefly. I am taking a break for a couple of weeks and will not be able to post or comment. I promise I will be back soon.

In fact I have in mind a post about feminism - so get your thinking caps on.

Best wishes to you all

xPx

desire

I don't want a sub to consent to being flogged.

I want her to desire it.

I want her to desire it from me.

consent

In discussions of bdsm the point is always made strongly that it is fine as long as the activities are between "consenting adults".

I am coming to the view though that "consent" is not enough - it should be "desire".

communication

I have talked before about communication. I now believe that it can be harder than I had thought.

I have had difficulties in this area. What I think I failed to realise was that to communicate to her Master a difficulty with his instructions was to the sub tantamount to admitting failure - in effect to admit she was a bad sub who could not submit fully to her Master's desires.

I think this is all the more difficult with long distance relationships - most especially in their early stages. Face to face a Master has some chance of recognising a sub's difficulties and responding appropriately. From afar it can be so hard.

If I'm not here ...

... it isn't that I am ignoring you dear reader. I have only occasional internet access at the moment.

If my posting is very sparse then do have a look at some of the discussions in comments to posts below and feel free to join in. I promise I will at least be reading them.