The power of pleasure and pain ...

I struck her quite gently at first with each of the four implements. She said the crop hurt the most. To continue she requested the crop. She asked for it harder. At last she gasped, flinched, her leg moving briefly from position. That happened just once more. A sub who had been trained to take a beating in silence, immobile - a test of her obedience.

Later as she was restrained open-legged before me I pleasured her with my fingers, my tongue, her vibrator. Many Doms would not have considered using their tongues on a sub. She moaned and writhed and eventually came with a cry that could equally have been agony rather than ecstasy.

So which had more power over her body and its reactions? The crop or my fingers and tongue?

I felt a great sense of power - and always do with a woman, in having that control over her pleasure, making her writhe and call out, that can be done better through giving pleasure than through giving pain.

the girl with glasses who carries her own books

In earlier posts about the geek and the girl - one of my correspondents suggested that the geek might be much better of with the brainy girl in glasses. She followed up that email with another containing this beautiful piece of writing. Reproduced here with her permission:

I am a great campaigner for the girl with the glasses who carried her own books.

She was a favourite of the boys not because of her looks but because she talked about music and guitars and sport. She felt comfortable in their company and intimidated them a little with her mind. While the other girls crammed their school bags with make up and trashy magazines, she had copies of the NME hiding the Marquis de Sade’s ‘Justine’ in her school locker ...

While the other girls wore their Duran Duran t shirts, she spent her time trying to look like Bettie Page.

She shared a science bench with a boy she hardly knew. During long, dull chemistry classes they talked music and his penchant for all things dark. He was wildly intelligent and intelligently quiet. They spent many hours loafing around in each others bedrooms listening to music and reading books in complete innocence. She read Justine and he, Venus in Furs … in the interest of fairness! They went to gigs in dark rooms in every corner of the city. It was after one such evening, in a cab, when he told her to slide her skirt up … he wanted to see where her stockings met her thighs. After only a little hesitation she did as she was told …

She was 18, a virgin and in possession of a sexuality that frightened her.

To this day, she still carries her own books …

Thank you T.

A growing confidence

I met with a submissive woman last week for a few hours of salacious fun. She was much more experienced than me. I was worried that when it came to it that the "kind Dom" approach would just not cut it compared with the much more experienced Doms I knew she had met very recently for similar appointments.

We played online a little for a few days first. I think that helped as we were real people when we met and had begun to build a relationship.

Before we started I took her into my arms and gave her a long hug. I explained that she was safe and would come to no harm. I knew if she felt secure, if she could trust me, then we would both have more fun.

Then I became "Sir" and we started ...

It was fun. Great fun. For both of us.

She wrote of it later in her journal and started with this ...

A beautifully sensual day, with a very different style of Domination and care. a Dom who very much valued her submission to Him, albeit for just a short while.

Both have memories stored away, of pleasure, of happiness.

she is still smiling here... and thinks He will be too :)

She then described some of the detail of what happened and finished like this ...

and thanks, from both Dom & sub, for the other, for the Domination & submission. Without either one, there is none.

Thankyou Sir, very much, for Your time, Your thoughtfulness, Your usage of cunt. she very much enjoyed her usage by her "sensual Dom"

So perhaps I have decided that rather than my style being just a "kind Dom" - it is actually a sensual approach and I am the "sensual Dom".

I think that will give me confidence again both online and in real time encounters.

The geeky "kind Dom" again

Thank you again for all of you who commented on the original post. It was heartening to hear that the geeky guy was so highly regarded - and that perhaps the beautiful girl wasn't the best one for him anyway.

I had a couple of emails about this too that turned it on its head a bit. One correspondent wrote "the boys always look right past the brainy chick in the glasses to the buxom blond in the bikini...".

Another suggested that the geek should look round at the other girls and notice they carried their own books, were self assured with a quiet confidence. The kind who would be charmed by the quiet geek when they got to know each other.

She wrote me a separate beautiful piece of writing about being the brainy chick in glasses - and how much she has to offer. I would like to publish it if I can get her permission.

Sadism or Selfishness?

A very good sub friend of mine has been using a contact site in the hope of finding a loving partner who can meet her submissive needs.

She has talked to me of a number of men on there who she got to know. At different times several of them started Domming her online. They seemed special. They seemed to want to commit to her. She threw herself in enthusiastically each time. Each of the relationships grew quite intense.

But when it came to the crunch they were all players. None really wanted to commit to her and were happy to drop her - but then to pop up out of nowhere when they got bored again. The emotional toll on her was just so destructive.

Were these "Doms" into emotional sadism or were they merely selfish with no thought or care for the hurt and harm they were causing?

The last one has left her feeling cold rather than angry. She has decided that is it. She cannot do that any more.

They have lost a beautiful, submissive and sensual woman. She could have given each of them so much. It is their loss not hers.

The geeky "kind Dom"

Thank you to all who commented on my previous post so supportively. I have had a few emails too.

The post was not inspired by any current circumstance. It was more about whether women really do go for the sensible choice but are ultimately seduced by the more dangerous man. I guess this is even more so in D/s and the notion of a "Kind Dom" might seem to be a contradiction in terms.

However as well as the comments and emails I also had a personal experience yesterday that made me realise there is a real demand for a "Kind Dom".

I will write some more inspired by the comments and emails very soon - and about the recent experience too.

The trouble with being a "kind Dom"

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the films - you know the scenario - there's a geeky guy, best friends with the beautiful girl - he carries her books for her and they love each other dearly - then the bad guy turns up on his motorbike dressed in black leather and with a snarl on his lip.

You all know what happens next. She jumps on the back of the bike with barely a backward glance, her skirt up around her thighs and her arms wrapped tightly around the strong body of the biker as he drives of to a deserted car park round the back of the diner where she gives him a blow job. Okay - they never show the last bit!

Meanwhile the geek stands forlorn, looking at his girl disappearing into the distance, wondering what to do with her stupid books.

Well sometimes the kind Dom feels like the geek.

Anger

I suppose we all get angry at times - about the injustices we see around us, the actions or inactions of those with power in the world or just the latest memo from our boss. Like everyone else I get angry about these things. I even have an ongoing anger about the way a member of my family is being treated currently.

But I don't feel this anger in my heart. I might get mildly cross at times. Sometimes, very rarely, I may snap - and it is only then that I realise I was angry.

In another context a colleague was talking to me about anger recently. He is a very mild mannered man but he says that he gets angry. He sees it as a positive emotion that can spur one to action about injustices. I wasn't sure I recognised my anger enough for it to influence my behaviour in this way. Until recently.

I became so angry. I was in a rage. I didn't recognise it at first. Where had it come from? What did it mean? Why did I feel like that?

It came at the time of the parting of myself and my sub. I wasn't angry at her. How could I be? I loved her. She'd done nothing wrong. It just hadn't worked out. But I was so angry. I wanted to beat someone. If she had been there would I have beaten her?

I don't think I've ever hit anyone in anger even though I have been hit in that way. I know that a Dom should never, ever hit his sub in anger. It would be a betrayal of their whole relationship.

In trying to work it out I wrote a kind of poem. It implied that if I had a sub near by I would beat her, that any future sub would need to be strong as I would be very hard in future.

Where had all that come from? That wasn't me. I didn't recognise this person I had become. Where had this rage appeared from? How could I control it? I had never ever felt like this.

I didn't know where the emotion was directed. At my sub? At myself? At the whole situation? Or just at my own failure?

In the end I think that was it. I was angry at how it had turned out. It was probably nobody's fault but I was angry with myself for failing. Within that anger the whole world - including my sub - got caught up.

I wondered if I really would have beaten a sub or my sub if they had been to hand. I don't think I would because it is so far from my nature. It frightened me though that I could even feel like that.

Anger felt a very destructive emotion at that time - not the positive one my friend had talked of.

I wondered too of those in close D/s relationships - collared, owned, 24/7, tpe, etc. When the Dom gets mad what happens? There are many Doms much more prone to anger than me I think. What happens to their subs then I wondered. That I suppose is where D/s can turn into domestic abuse.

I wasn't ready at first to write this post. It has taken me a long time to be able to do so. As the poem was so awful I later tried it out as a story. Sometimes creativity can be a great way of expressing and investigating our feelings.

You can read that story here.

Do you get angry? How do you release that emotion?

Confidence

A sub has to have confidence in her Master.

She needs to be confident in his abilities, his knowledge, his care, his wisdom, his determination. She needs that confidence to know that she will come to no harm with him - emotionally, psychologically or physically.

A Master needs to have confidence in himself - without that how can his sub give herself completely to him without reservation? How can she be confident in him if he no longer shares that confidence?

Recent events have shaken me a bit. They have certainly shaken my confidence. My confidence in being a good Master.

They say it takes confidence to ride a bike. Otherwise it just doesn't work. Maybe I've just fallen off my bike. I guess I need to climb back on quickly to prove to myself that I can still do it.

To regain my confidence that I can once again be a good Dom.

Parting

Juliet said,

"Parting is such sweet sorrow"

A relationship has recently changed in ways I would not have wished. I find no sweetness in the sorrow.

Though the phrase evokes the emotional equivalent of many a bdsm encounter inextricably linking pleasure with pain.

The notes linked above say it better:
"Depending on how gripping you find the first balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet, Juliet's parting may or may not be "such sweet sorrow." In any case, her phrase is an oxymoron, combining contradictory ideas of pleasure and pain. Parting is sorrowful because Juliet would prefer, like a mischievous youth ("wan-ton"), to snare her lover in twisted "gyves" (chains or fetters). Parting is pleasurable, presumably, because doing anything with Romeo is pleasurable. Note the latent sadomasochism of this exchange, and the almost wistful prophecy that Romeo will be killed with too much cherishing."

safewords and trust

lili wrote a post on her blog recently about "safewords".

Safe words are often used in a bdsm context for safety. It means an intense scene can take place which might involve some pleading from the sub which does not result in the Dom relenting. However she knows that if she uses her safe word then the scene will stop immediately. It can help some subs feel safe, knowing they can trust their Dom to stop if they use that word. Just the giving of such a word can help establish a level of trust.

Many established D/s couples do not use safe words as their trust goes further than that.

I think that is what lili was describing. She wants to be part of a relationship where the trust level is so strong that she can be so submissive as to give the whole of the responsibility of the scene to her Dom. In that way she feels she could be taken even closer to the "edge of beyond" and undergo even more intense experiences than might be possible if she was tempted to use her safe-word when things became difficult.

She is prepared to accept things might go wrong as in the example I gave below - Mistakes. But as long as she was truly loved and cared for then she feels she would be able to get through it.

Perhaps it is just a dream ...

but we can all have our dreams. I hope lili's come true for her one day.

John Phillip Law

John Phillip Law, actor, born September 7 1937; died May 13 2008

John Phillip Law was the actor who played the part of Pygar in the film Barbarella. It is his photograph used at the head of this blog and as my profile picture. He died on Tuesday aged 70.

You can read an obituary here.

More about trust

A sub friend of mine met up with a new Dom recently. He seemed to understand her, things went well, he was respectful of her and seemed not to make assumptions or press too hard at first . . .

But on their first morning after the night before a little thing got in the way. It was so small. It was only a display of affection rejected hurtfully. Both were stubborn and did not back down.

He knew that subs are supposed to back down I suppose.

But she didn't.

There was an email exchange to try to resolve it. In it he demanded her trust.

He instructed her to trust him.

Otherwise how could he be her Master?

He was right that he could not be her Master without there being trust. Trust is central to such relationships. Where I believe he was wrong was in believing that he could just demand it.

Real trust has to be earned over a long period. You cannot just demand that someone trust you and for that trust to be real rather than a pretence.

She could no longer trust him.

So she is sensibly now getting to know a different Master.

Trust

Trust me ...

... I'm a Dom!

I always thought trust had to be earned not demanded.

More soon . . .

Mistakes

We all make mistakes. Well I know I do anyway.

Some Doms seem to find such admissions difficult. I think they feel it undermines their position of dominance - as if this has to include some kind of invincibility or omnipotence. Such arrogance can be dangerous though I understand that some subs find it enticing.

I've recently come across a post from a Dom admitting to his mistake and what he can learn from it.

I have been following trinity-pup's blog since it started. I think it was Beau who encouraged her to start blogging. She is very happy with her new Dom and has been writing about it. However recently something went wrong. A hard limit was crossed that led to distress.

trinity-pup writes of what happened here.

Her Master, Singleglove, writes his version of it here.

As Singleglove said, "Lesson learned."

I am pleased that trinity-pup is in such good hands.

I'm also pleased that there are other "kind Doms" out there.